Ed: Clean cup, move down!
Eddy: Shut up, Ed; we're not doing Alice in Wonderland!
Double-D: Don't tempt the fates, Eddy.
Eddy: Put a sock in it, Sockhead.
The sun was shining. Somewhere else. Dark clouds were gathered around the rural area of Peach Creek; the rain poured down with ferocious might, shattering the local flora with its heavy drops, thunder crashing over the head of:
"That's me alright!" The Little Yellow-Riding-Hood.
Just walk, Lumpy; I can hear my hair grow here! I, Eddward Double-D, and Eddy serve as narrators for this unfortunate tale cleverly renamed: The Moron Who Couldn't Find His Own Di- Eddy! What? The Little Yellow-Riding Hood. Yeah, woah, jikes, this oughta be good.
"I'mma walking!" The little Yellow-Riding-Hood, who was the older brother of the Little Red-Riding-Witch- *cough*Bitch!*cough*- and while she received her name from the clothing she wore, our protagonist here received his name by the color of his skin. That's racist. The young boy's skin had been turned an unhealthy yellow shade due to his chronic liver failure thanks to untreated Wilson's disease. What the- In the end, it was a miracle that he was still walking. What kind of a story you aiming for here? Drama, with a light touch of comedy. You're failing miserably with the light touching then.
"Not even Marc Chon walked this much in Memphis!" Sockhead, the story? Oh, yes! On this very special day, the Little Yellow- Okay, we gotta talk about that name. It's Ed we're talking about, right? That is the intention, yes. What the hell is so little about Ed? The guy's 5'9, weighs over 130 and can make takeout menus out of a forest with only an uncut toenail! I stand by the name, Eddy. It's stupid. It's a children's story, Eddy; it's not like we're associating with the likes of Dickens and Austen here. *snicker* What are you laughing about? ... You said Dickens. Oh, for heaven's sake...
If I can continue, on this special day, the Little- Pfft, please. – Yellow-Riding-Hood was on his merry way to visit his sickly grandmother. Ah, how he wandered through the fields of corn, strolling over the babbling creeks, skipping under the majestic rainbow that arched across the- Hey, I thought it was raining like hell? Who's telling the story here?
"I'm just skipping to my Lou then!" You're obviously not telling it; you can't even remember the damn weather! Let's take a short recess.
There we are; much better! Hey, untie me! We have now democratically agreed that I will read you the first part, Eddy the second part and Ed will just continue to be the colorful character that he is. Just get on with it! Right, right.
"Skip on, Skipper!" What did he say? Oh, hush! The Little Yellow-Riding-Hood skipped on; under the rainbow, through the corn fields, over the babbling creek, under the rainbow again before he realized that he had skipped in a perfect circle.
"I am a lump!" The Little Yellow-Riding-Hood changed direction and promptly continued to his grandmother's house, skipping right into a tree! "Look at the stars!" Indeed he did, the young boy had skipped right into a enormous Dutch Elm, marking the beginning of the deep, dark forest; thus proving that he was finally on the correct path. You thought I would be thrown off by that, didn't you Eddy? Story's not getting any shorter if you keep jabbering on like this! I, jabber? Oh, the irony. What was that? Nothing, let's continue.
"Over the rainbow, I will find Lemon Drops!" Wrong story again, Ed. "My mistake, Mister Double-Narrator!" Over sticks and stones, the young fellow skipped. Skip after skip after skip. Even I don't skip this much when it comes to school. When suddenly!
"That had to hurt!" The Little Yellow-Riding-Hood flew forward, unintentionally crushing several small, unfortunate insects as he made contact with the earth. Behind him stood the cause of the fall; it was the-
- Biggest!- Shortest-
- Flyest!- Foul smelling-
- Generous!- Greediest-
- Handsomest!- Most selfish wolf in the entire woods, Eddy McWolf! McWolf, seriously? Why don't we just call this 'Back to the Future IV, The Curse of the Teen Wolf' and be done with it? Way to show your '80s, Eddy.
"My brain stopped the fall!" The Little Yellow-Riding-Hood raised his head displaying a goofy smile plastered on his bruised face. "Or my fall stopped the brain!"
"Good one…" The wolf stopped a sarcastic laugh. "So, where you off to, Lumpy?"
"Uhm…" The cogs in the poor boy's brain started to grind as he pulled out some cards that his father had written to him in case of a situation like this. "'Nid wyf yn gallu aros a siarad am yr wyf yn ymweld â'm-" Upside-down, Ed; upside-down! "What?"
"Oh, for heaven's sake!" Suddenly, a thin boy wearing a beanie rushed in from stage left, grabbed the cards in the Little Yellow-Riding-Hood's hands the other side up and promptly hurried out again.
"Thank you, Narrat-Edd!" He laughed before resuming reading the card. "'I cannot stay and talk for I am visiting my diabolic-'" Diabetic, Ed. "'-grandmother in the forest with this basket-'" He extended his arm that did indeed have a basket dangling on it. "'- of Jawbreakers so that she will not suffocate.'" Suffer Ed, suffer!
"JAWBREAKERS?" The wolf exclaimed, his eyes growing to inhuman proportions out of sheer greed.
"I am nice to make your acquaintance!" The Little Yellow-Riding-Hood turned around, inadvertently whipping the basket into the wolf's head who was catapulted straight into a tree. With that, the merry boy skipped onward.
"Double-D?" The wolf groaned, his back cracking sickeningly as he stood. Yes, Eddy? "What the heck do I do now?" Haven't you ever read this story? "… Do I look like the kinda guy who reads fairy tales?" No, of course not; you read magazines... "Enough with the lip, Hemingway; what's next?" Well, it's rather simple; you are to take a shorter route through the forest to the grandmother's house before our protagonist gets the and… eat her. "Hey, what kind of kid's story is this?!" ... No, you eat her as in 'swallow her whole'. "Oh... I thought-" We don't need to know that. "Aight then, that oughta be easy enough. Your turn then, Sockhead!" M-My turn?
"I will get you for this." Oh, I'm counting on it. Now hush, senile folks don't get to narrate. Ahem!
In a little red house smack down in the middle of the forest lived an old lady; the lump's grandmother! Let me tell you, it was a sad sight to see. Figure like a stick insect. Models made out of toothpicks everywhere. Gray hair stuck out from underneath the knitted cap that she'd made for herself all those lonely years ago. Now all she had left in this world was her ants. Apart from the lump, of course, but you couldn't trust that guy to find her house for shit. "Eddy, leave out expletives and get on with this accursed tale."
"Already on it, Granny!" The old woman leaped high into the air when the door slammed open to reveal the most handsome wolf anybody had ever seen, entered the house with more swagga' than anybody in the entire forest!
"'Swagga', Eddy? First the '80s, now this?" Stick to the story, Liver spot! "Stick to the story, I'll stick you to the- Well, hello, young man! Would you like to have a warm cup of tea?" The withered husk of a woman asked the charming fella.
"Tea? Hell naw, I'm here to eat you, hag!"
"You have to speak up; my hearing is not what it used to be!" She replied in a frail voice. Hey, hey, who's telling the story here? Oh, I wish it was I.
"I said: I'm here to eat you, hag!"
"You're here to feed the cat? I haven't had a cat for years!"
"What? I'm here to eat you, hag!"
"You're here to beat two dads? I think you have the wrong house, young fellow."
"I'M HERE TO EAT YOU, HAG!"
"You're here to meet the fag? Now, I don't mind what you do in your spare time, but you won't be meeting them in here!"
"I SAID: I'M- Fuck this." So the wolf took the senile old witch and swallowed her whole. "Just like chicken." Then!
"I am Ed, your grandson, and I am her to feed you lots and lots of food!" The wolf panicked when the lump banged on the door, but then thought of a cunning plan to trick the guy.
"Just a minute, dear!" He responded in a… What'd you call it? Frail Eddy, frail. He responded in a frail voice before rushing into the old woman's closet and throwing on another hideous knitted cap and a nightshirt. Sliding in between the sheets of the deaf hag's bed, he cried out. "Come in, dear!"
"Knock knock!" The entire door flew right across the room and into the wall! The wolf looked at the moron- That's quite enough out of you, Mister!
As said, when the Little-Yellow-Riding-Hood knocked on the door, the hinges collapsed under the massive weight of the knock and the door traveled a short distance to end up being lodged in the wall across the room.
"I am Ed and you are hungry!" The wolf was now strategically placed under the covers, only the bright yellow eyes were visible under the huge nightcap.
"Hand over the basket, moro- My child!" The wolf smiled at the thought of the majestic sugar coated orbs.
"But, Grandma! What big eyes you have! Are you taking your medicine?" The young man dropped the basket to walk over to the bed and grab his grandmother's head, stretch out the wolf's eyes to an abnormal size to inspect them further.
"It's because-" Tears welled up in the conniving creature's eyes. "I can't do the daily jumble; the basket!"
"What big nose you have! Just like Dad!" The young man released his 'grandmother's eyes just to embrace the latter in a wholehearted, bone-crushing hug.
"It's-" The wolf gasped for breath, but came to regret it quickly when he found that his 'big nose' was pressed against the Little-Yellow-Riding-Hood's armpit. "Because I'll be able to… Smell the… Roses better…"
"You really-"
"Hold up there, Monobrow." The wolf raised a hand in front of the young man's face and released himself from the powerful embrace. "Yo, Double-D; is this the part where I just eat the guy?" It is indeed, Eddy. "Good." The wolf slipped back into the embrace and nodded. "Continue, Lumpy."
"You really are short!"
"That's…" The wolf sighed heavily."So I can… See your nostrils better."
"Someone sure has gone bald!" Enormous fangs began to grind against one another in agitation.
"That's… So I can swim... Faster…"
"Not to talk about his flat head of yours!" Uhm, Ed; I don't think you should-
"THAT'S IT! FUCK THIS STORY!"
"Come here, Lumpy! You'll be the one with the flat head when I'm done with ya!" Eddy shot up from the armchair and chased after the laughing Ed, furniture flying every which way and crashing into both walls and floor..
"Come back here, you two! Pardon me, Jimmy; I will stop their rampage of destruction." With that, Double-D placed the book of tales on the nightstand and hurried out, running after his friends panicky . "Gentlemen, please; we are guests here!"
"A quarter for a bedtime story, my vanilla colored bottom." Jimmy grumbled and turned around, trying his hardest to fall asleep whilst the destruction of his house continued in the wake of Ed, Edd and Eddy.