I guess I can't resist writing, even though I should do more important stuff. Oh well… but rather than starting the next chapter of Men-i-Naugrim and once again not being a able to stop until way past midnight, a – hopefully – funny One-Shot!
It's basically Kíli and Fíli being little shits and poor Bilbo starring as the victim. Enjoy!
Sighing deeply, the hobbit slumped down on a large root, his backpack by his feet. Everyone around him was merrily bristling about, lighting fires, preparing the camp, searching for firewood, taking care of the ponies or simply overlooking the work and Bilbo sat there, feeling utterly useless.
Ever since they started on this adventure a few days ago, the hobbit had felt pretty much excluded from everything. Some dwarves didn't even bother talking to him and Thorin glanced at him like he would at a particularly ugly insect. No matter how many times Gandalf tried to cheer the Halfling up, it was to no avail. Bilbo craved his home, his armchair, his books and a good glass of sherry at that. He missed a good conversation, a laugh maybe or at least some words of sympathy.
"Oi! Mister Boggins! Why the long face?"
Bilbo looked up and he blinked surprised when two dwarves approached. The two youngsters that had demolished his mother's glory box and thrown his plates across the house. He whimpered quietly.
"It's Baggins", he muttered. "Baggins."
"Sorry", Kíli grinned, sitting down next to the hobbit, Fíli planting himself to Bilbos other side.
"We couldn't help but notice that you looked kinda down", the elder brother explained, a sympathetic smile on his lips. "What's the matter?"
Bilbo remained unsure for a moment, for the two had never spoken to him before. They hadn't entirely ignored him like others but still, he was a little weary of the sudden attention.
"Well", he began. "Well I- I do feel a little out of place I must admit."
"How come?", Kíli asked, curiously glimpsing at the hobbit.
"Well uhm- you see, all of you have things to do around here and I erm", he laughed a little. "I believe you think I'm useless."
"Useless?!", Kíli exclaimed, making Bilbo flinch a little. "Now why would you say that?"
"You're our trusted burglar. Why would you think so little of us?", Fíli added, looking so offended that Bilbo immediately regretted saying anything.
"I don't, I just-", he stammered, clearing his throat. "And I'm not even a real burglar. So no use on that field either"
Bilbo shrugged and missed the short glance that the brothers exchanged and the barely visible smirks growing on their faces.
"You know how we became such great warriors, Mister Boggins?", Kíli asked, placing an arm around Bilbos shoulder.
"Baggins."
"Whatever."
"How?"
"Practice", the younger explained with a great deal of pride in his voice. "Every single day since we were thirty."
Which left Bilbo wondering how old the two of them actually were but before he could ask, Fíli nudged him gently, a very dignified look on his face.
"Can't be done any other way, you know?", he said. "Maybe you should practice too."
"Practice what?", Bilbo asked puzzled, looking from one dwarf to the other.
"Nicking stuff of course!", Kíli exclaimed. "Here's plenty to folk to practice on."
It took Bilbo a little while to figure out what the two youngsters were actually asking of him, but when he did, he immediately grew a little pale.
"Oh no. No no no no", he shook his head. "I can't go around stealing things from my own company!"
"It's just for practice. You would of course return everything to them", Fíli soothed him. "It's not really stealing, it's just enhancing your skills. And they will want a very skilled burglar, right brother?"
"Definitely. The best burglar. You could be the best burglar, you know?", Kíli nodded reassuringly.
"Me? Oh- well", Bilbo watched the scurrying dwarves, his forehead wrinkled. "But I- I've never done anything remotely like stealing before."
"It's easy", Kíli began. "You just sneak up on your victim and carefully snatch something from their pocket. The most important bit is that you remain quiet but that shouldn't be a problem for a fine hobbit such as yourself."
"You sound like you have a lot of experience in nicking things", Bilbo remarked dryly, causing Fíli to cough violently.
"We're angels", Kíli lied, smiling without the slightest sign of remorse. "So how about it? Maybe they won't think of you as useless anymore, when they see how good of a burglar you really are. We'll help you!"
The first 'practice partner', as Fíli had begun calling their companions, was poor Ori who sat on a tree trunk, busy scribbling notes into his leather-bound book. On his belt hung a little pouch, filled to the brim with useless bells and whistles, as Kíli put it. Allegedly those were precious memories of Oris home that he carried around with him. Small framed paintings, toys that his brothers had given him and another pair of knitted mittens from his mother.
"Snatching that pouch will be a piece of cake, Ori's too gentle to notice!", Kíli explained and gently pushed Bilbo towards the chronicler of their company.
The hobbit swallowed hard and, looking back every now and then to find the brothers nodding and giving him a thumbs up, he snuck up on the drawing dwarf. The pouch hung from his belt and a little pull on the string sufficed for it to come loose and drop straight into Bilbos hands. Surprised, the hobbit stared at his loot and when he turned around to the brothers, he found them quietly cheering him on.
A smile spread on his lips, the feeling of success dashing through his innards. He had made it! He had stolen something!
He quickly made his way back to the boys, handing the pouch over to Fíli who quickly hid it in a hollow in the root.
"Good job!", Kíli said, patting the proud hobbit on the back. "Now next one. How about uhm- how about Glóin over there?"
They informed Bilbo of a very precious locket that Glóin carried around but nobody knew what was in it. It was stuffed in the pocket of his coat, attached on a slim golden chain to his collar. All that Bilbo had to do, was to detach the locket from the chain and off he went again. The hobbit took a deep breath and scurried off.
What the brothers hadn't told Bilbo however, was that Glóin was a treasurer and very keen on keeping his belongings. Born with the natural distrust in anybody, that somehow rooted deep in the line of Durin, Glóin was far more alert than poor Ori, who had just noticed his pouch missing.
Bilbo again snuck up on him, reached out for the golden chain dangling from his collar and just when his fingertips touched the metal, Glóin glanced down.
"And what de yer think yer doin?!", he grumbled, causing the poor hobbit to flinch and topple over.
Kíli and Fíli pulled faces, shaking their heads.
"N-Nothing!", Bilbo stumbled. "You just- uh- I- you had a pretty nasty spider there and I- erm-"
"Spider?", Glóin glanced at his coat. "If spiders bother ye, maybe ye should consider going back home!"
Bilbo crept back to the youngsters, slouching his shoulders.
"Well, that didn't go too well", Fíli sighed.
"This was a stupid idea to begin with", Bilbo muttered, not only discouraged by his failure but also by Glóins words that had just confirmed what he believed all along. He didn't belong here.
"Hey now, don't give up so easily", Kíli said, trying to cheer the hobbit up. "Here. Have a mouthful!"
A flask was held before Bilbos nose and the hobbit took it carefully.
"What is that?", he asked, looking at Fíli.
"Something good", the blonde dwarf smirked. "It makes burgling easier, you'll see."
Bilbo took a good gulp from the steaming drink and immediately began to cough and spit.
"What on earth- that's grog!"
"The best grog. Go on, have another, we'll find a new practice partner for you!", Kíli exclaimed happily and while Bilbo dared to take another sip, the brothers quickly figured out that Balin might be a good victim.
Stealing Balins sword from its sheath wasn't exactly difficult and Bilbo came back quickly, grinning like a little idiot.
"Very good!", Kíli bellowed and Fíli hid the sword with Oris pouch. "Have another drink!"
Bilbo took another gulp from the grog, slowly feeling light-hearted and also a little light-headed. For he didn't know what the grog of the dwarves of the Ered Luin was known for being the strongest grog ever made. Possibly too strong for a small hobbit.
The next practice partner was Nori but again the brothers failed to inform Bilbo properly about his victim. For Nori was a skilled thief and mischief-maker himself and he knew pretty much every trick there was. Of course the hobbit didn't stand a chance and before he could even dig his hand into Noris pocket, he already had a small dagger at his throat.
"Wouldn't do that if I were you, tiddler", the dwarf snarled and Bilbo quickly rushed back to Fíli and Kíli, who had hidden behind a tree.
"Wow! Close shave, have another drink to soothe your nerves!"
Next one to be robbed was Bofur, who, though more cordial than the others, wasn't stupid either and noticed the hobbit fumbling with his pockets.
"You searchin' for something?", he inquired curiously.
"A erm- it's a toy. You make toys, right?"
"Aye", Bofur nodded. "Here, have one."
When Bilbo returned to the brothers, he held a small wooden dwarf lady in his hands, not quite sure if this booty counted since it had been given to him. Just like that. Kíli looked at Fíli and shrugged. "Fair enough I suppose."
The hobbit took another gulp of grog and scurried off again, becoming more and more enthusiastic about this. Fíli and Kíli however remained well hidden, quietly laughing up their sleeves.
Soon Fílis little treasury was filled with Oins ear trumpet, Doris handkerchief, Bomburs ladle and Bifurs carving knife and the hobbit beamed happily at the sight, his cheeks already very much rosy from the grog and his mind a little blurred.
"I'm good!", he happily yelled.
"You are!", Kíli approved, mimicking Bilbos delighted face. "See, you're on your way to become the best burglar there ever was!"
"Indeed I am", Bilbo nodded. "Who's next?"
Kíli glimpsed at Fíli, who just raised an eyebrow and nodded in approval. He gently took the hobbit by the shoulders and turned him around towards his next practice partner. Bilbo swallowed hard when his sight fell on Dwalin.
"Good luck, brave Master Burglar", Fíli piped and gently pushed Bilbo forward.
Slowly Bilbo made his way over to the large dwarf, pretending to be as innocent as he could, considering that he had just nicked quite a noticeable amount of goods and was also pretty ratted on grog.
Not sure of what to steal, he reached out for one of the large battle axes on Dwalins back and even managed to push it from its clamp. He hadn't considered the sheer weight of the weapon however and soon had to learn that he couldn't lift it properly. The axe came down with a clangour, the edgeless side falling on poor Bilbos toes and if that wasn't bad enough already, Dwalin furiously spun around, grabbed the overstrained hobbit by the collar and yanked him off his feet, holding him high above the ground.
"Oh bollocks!", Kíli whispered and quickly disappeared into the thick brushwood, his brother right behind him.
"And what is this now?!", Dwalin thundered. "A burglar doin' what he does best?!"
"Misunderstanding!", Bilbo blipped quickly. "I- I didn't mean to burgle anything! From you! Nothing! I got nothing!"
"Are you drunk?", Dwalin demanded, furrowing his thick eyebrows.
"Terribly", the hobbit shook his head, then nodded.
Dwalin rolled his eyes and dropped Bilbo, picking his axe up again as the hobbit hurried off. He only found the brothers by chance and when he did, he didn't look particularly happy.
"I thought he would kill me!"
"Aw, come on now. He's a bit grumpy but he's not a bad guy", Kíli calmed Bilbo, handing him the flask again.
"I won't steal anything anymore today!", the hobbit exclaimed, taking another good gulp.
"But there's still one dwarf left", Fíli innocently reminded him, looking over to where Thorin sat.
"Oh no. No no. No. He surely will kill me!"
"Nah, don't be such a drama hobbit. Have another drink, maybe even empty the thing, we have lots more! And then you'll try it one more time."
Bilbo looked from one dwarf to the other and both smiled reassuringly at him. So he simply took another mouthful. And another. And another.
Thorin looked up, raising his eyebrows as he saw a very, very drunk hobbit staggering towards him. It surely was a peculiar sight and nothing that the king of Thorin's Halls had expected.
"What's wrong with you?"
"I", Bilbo began, burping quietly. "I must now unfortunately rob you of somethin' preciousss-"
"Do you?"
"Yes. Yes indeed. For I am a bu-", he burped again. "A burglar! And I burgle- stuff."
"Indeed. And on whose account might you burgle stuff?"
"Those two!", Bilbo happily explained, pointing back to Fíli and Kíli, who missed their chance to duck behind a bush in time.
"I might have known", Thorin sighed.
Only a few minutes later, the two youngsters stood surrounded by the remaining company, Bilbo next to them, clinging to Fílis jerkin, not to topple over. He seemed very happy overall, occasionally hiccupping.
"We just wanted to help him practise his burgling skills", Kíli explained sheepishly.
"We didn't mean anything by it", Fíli added.
"You never mean anything by it", Thorin growled. "Made the poor fella drunk."
"Mister Boggins just liked grog", Kíli shrugged.
"Baggins", Bofur corrected him.
"Whatever."
"How about this Master Baggins", Thorin turned to Bilbo, who blinked at him. "We forget about the whole ordeal and you sit down by the fire with us tonight? It might be nice to get to know each other a little better."
The other dwarves nodded approvingly and immediately Kílis face lit up.
"All forgiven and forgotten?", he asked.
"Of course", Thorin nodded. "For Mister Baggins. You two will return the items you stole and then-"
"We come and sit by the fire as well!", Kíli grinned.
"Then you will look after the ponies", Thorin bluntly stated, watching bemused as the enthusiastic faces of his nephews quickly fell to sheer disappointment.
Bilbo was given salted pork crust to soak up the alcohol and everyone complimented him on his good thieving skills, making the hobbit beam with pride. Not only had he kind of proven that he was indeed a good burglar, he also felt welcomed to the company for the first time. He sat between Thorin and Balin, chatting merrily, listening to stories and songs and didn't miss Bag End as badly anymore.
A few yards away, the two youngsters sat on a fallen trunk, sulking in the dark.
"That's rubbish", Kíli grouched. "Why do we get punished for something he did?"
"Because we egged him to do it", Fíli mumbled, picking leaves from a small branch.
"We just wanted to help!", Kíli protested.
Fíli watched Bilbo from afar, seeing him chatter and laugh and flinched a little, as one of the ponies rested its head on his shoulder. He reached up, caressing its nostrils and smiled.
"Well, maybe we did after all."