"Hey, Bokuto. Why don't you play volleyball anymore?" Bokuto had turned to look at his friend in alarm when he asked the question aloud. Komi was gnawing on his Popsicle, testing its coldness before sinking his teeth into it. If it weren't for them being placed in the same class during their first year of middle school and realizing they were neighbors, they wouldn't have been friends at all.
The whistle blew and the opposing side threw the ball up for the serve. He swung with all of his force, sending the ball over the net in the blink of an eye. Komi reacted and received it perfectly, losing his balance but picking himself up a second later. "All right!" he shouted with a fist pump.
"Nice receive!" their setter raised his hands and sent it to the left. "Bokuto!"
"Got it!" Bokuto jumped, left arm straight in front of him, right arm pulled back for the swing. Two blockers jumped to thwart him but two was usually not enough to stop him. He swung and lightly tapped the ball so it would fall over the block. The libero and setter dove for it but couldn't catch it in time, resulting in the end of the rally.
"I can't play anymore," Bokuto had mumbled in response. He sank his teeth into his Popsicle and pulled it away when he realized it was still too cold for his teeth to handle.
"Nice job!" Komi bounced toward him with his hands in the air. Bokuto gave him a double high-five and to the rest of their teammates who raised their hands for him. He grinned, eyes bright, as he glanced over at the score. They were tied now! Just four more points and then the set will be over and it'll be their win. They could maybe, just maybe, advance to the final tournament if they won this set.
"Nice! Nice, Bokuto. Just remember not to do that again next time so they won't catch on, all right?" the captain smiled at him. Bokuto nodded and gave him a reassuring thumbs-up before taking his spot at the front of the net. He leaned forward to rest his hands on his knees, closing his eyes briefly to listen to his heartbeat and his breath.
"What? Why not? Of course you can! When we played volleyball last week, you practically killed everyone, including Sensei!" Komi had protested. "You looked so into it. You even did a jump serve! There's no way you can't play. You just don't want to." Bokuto had made a fist with his left hand and turned away without saying anything. Of course he wanted to. He loved volleyball. It wasn't as simple as wanting but being able to. He never would've quit if he could've helped it.
The serve went up and the libero received it cleanly. A spiker on the left started his approach for a quick, the middle blocker on the right started running a moment after. The spiker in the back row was watching the toss as well. Was it going to be a quick from the left or an attack from the right? Could it be a back attack instead?
He jumped with the middle blocker when the toss went to the left. It touched Bokuto's hand and he called out "One touch!" as he landed. He backed up and started running for the counterattack as Komi sent it to the setter.
"Go, Bokuto!" the setter tossed to him again. Bokuto aimed for a cross, the sound of it hitting the court echoing satisfyingly in his ears. The whistle blew. That was two consecutive points!
"I love volleyball. I just…can't play anymore." A dragonfly had landed on the concrete beneath him and flew away promptly when his shadow moved. "It's…really hard to explain, but…in elementary school, there was a really important match and…I…"
"Hey! You okay?" Komi cried out when Bokuto stumbled. Bokuto looked at him, recognizing concern gleaming in his eyes. "Do you need a break?"
Bokuto shook his head, cursing when his vision started to spin a bit. "I'm fine," he insisted. "I can keep playing."
"If…you say so…" Komi glanced at their setter, who was watching from the distance. "Don't toss to him so much, okay? Let him take a break."
The setter adjusted his glasses and gave Bokuto a long look. "We're almost done with this set," he said. "He's the only one who can score so easily. If he does his job right then we'll be done before we know it." He jogged back to his position. Komi gave Bokuto a small pat on the shoulder before turning to go back to his. Bokuto drew in a breath and placed a hand on his chest. He could feel his heart pounding wildly. Just a little longer, he willed himself. Three more points and then we'll be done.
"Did you lose?" Komi had asked quietly. Bokuto didn't react, didn't look up. He kept looking down. "I think I know which match you're talking about. I was there, watching the whole thing. It looked like they made you do all of the work."
The opposing team scored with a dump shot. The ball was tossed up and served toward the front of the net. The setter received it awkwardly and shouted for Komi. "Cover, Komi! Send it to Bokuto!"
"I've got it!" Komi held his arms out and sent it to the captain on the left. "Captain! Go for it!"
He wasn't expecting the toss to go to him so he jumped and swung, his spike getting caught by the opponent's. Just like that, they were tied again. The setter turned to glare at Komi. "I told you to send it to Bokuto! We could be at the match point by now!"
"He isn't the only spiker on the team!" Komi retorted. "There are six of us on the court for a reason!"
It was Bokuto's serve now. He bounced the ball against the floor a few times and exhaled, hoping to be able to concentrate enough to aim his serve to the setter. The whistle blew and he tossed the ball up, took a few steps for the approach, and jumped. Crap! Bokuto's vision blurred once again from the rushed transition. I can't see the ball! He counted to two and swung, managing to tap the ball so it would land just over the net. The libero dove for it and saved it. A hasty toss was sent to their ace and he broke through the block easily. Match point.
"My dad was the team's coach. He trained us really hard. He said our school has never won the tournament before and he wanted us to win. Even after practice, he'd make me practice with him outside. He kept saying to them over and over that they could toss to me if there's no one else to send it to." Bokuto could hear his father's shouts and yells echoing in his mind. "We didn't even feel like a team…more like they were helping me instead of everyone working together."
"What kind of serve was that? If it's a jump serve then make it a good one!" the setter snapped at him. Komi took a step forward but Bokuto pulled him back. He was in the back row now. He could catch a break, if only a quick one. This was a good chance to prove they could play without him.
The serve went up and Bokuto received it. The setter went for the dump shot and it managed to get through. Komi rotated out with the middle blocker and he glanced at his friend as he walked off of the court. His eyes were narrowed in a way that said, don't push yourself. Bokuto gave him a small nod.
"The last set was a really close game…we'd score and they'd score…the toss went to me a lot and I got really tired and out of breath really fast…I didn't know what was wrong. No one knew. I didn't tell my dad because I thought he'd switch me out and then he'd call me weak or something. So I kept playing."
Bokuto saved a cross that was aimed at him. It went long and the two middle blockers fought to push the ball over the net. He dove for it when it was pushed onto his side and a toss was sent to their captain on the right. His spike was barely in but it counted.
He pushed himself up, losing his balance as he did so, careening into the setter, who gave him a look and shoved him upward. Spots blinked in and out of his field of vision. His heart felt like it was going to burst any time and he felt uncomfortably hot and sweaty. He didn't have enough time to calm his heart and with both of their timeouts used up, there was no way he could recover. A little longer more…
"That last rally…I was in the back row…it hit the blocker's hand and it was going long…I started running for it. I saved it and my teammates connected, but…" Bokuto had trailed off. He felt embarrassed to admit what happened next.
They had been deucing for a while now. Bokuto was in the front again, Komi at his reliable back. The serve went up and Komi received it. Bokuto started running for a first tempo attack and the toss was sent to him. He blinked and blinked but nothing could clear the spots in his vision. He gritted his teeth and aimed for a cross. It was saved and sent back to the setter cleanly. An attack was coming.
"One touch!" the middle blocker shouted. Komi received it, sending it to their setter. His eyes met Bokuto's and he nodded. One point here. Another point there. Two more was all they needed to win.
He jumped as two blockers threatened to shut him down. There was no room for a straight and someone was waiting for his cross. He tapped it for a feint and the setter received it. Their libero sent it to the ace and another one touch was called out. This time, the setter got it so Komi went in for the cover.
"Send it here!" Bokuto shouted. He started running toward the net and Komi, with no other choice left, sent the ball to him. He spiked a straight before the blockers could get into position. The whistle blew and the score was added to the total. It was their match point.
All of his strength left him. He was breathing hard, unable to catch his breath, his heart beating erratically, his vision spinning. Before he knew it, he collapsed, crumpled in a heap, his vision white, and a ringing in his ears that blocked the noises of the gymnasium out.
"You passed out." Komi's voice had been quiet.
"I passed out." Bokuto had confirmed it just as quietly.
"Bokuto! What happened?" a frenzy of voices swirled around him. They all sounded the same and he couldn't tell who was saying what. "Bokuto! Can you hear me? Are you awake? Open your eyes!"
"What happened?" another voice joined the chorus. This one he could recognize – their coach's. "Is he hurt? Where did he get hurt?"
"We need to sub him out!" someone shouted. Komi! His friend's voice sent a jolt through him and his vision started clearing up. He could only see their shoes and the gymnasium wall beyond them. He recognized Komi's yellow court shoes anywhere. "We need to take him to the medical office. Coach, please, sub him out. He can't keep playing like this."
"Can't? What do you mean? We need him! We need to win this!" the setter's voice was loud, too loud for Bokuto to bear. He squeezed his eyes shut, the movement alerting his team that he had regained consciousness. "See? He's fine! Get up, Bokuto! We need you!"
There was a brief pause as the coach contemplated what to do. "Komi, you're being switched out this rotation. Take him to the medical office and come straight back. Ryoma, you're taking Bokuto's place. Shido, help Komi."
Bokuto opened his eyes as the two boys slipped underneath him and supported him off the court. He regained enough strength to walk on his own and his vision began to clear up. The last thing he heard was the whistle as the match resumed.
The nurse helped him lie onto the cot before sending the boys back. She turned to look him, a sad smile shaping her lips. "Koutaro, you're very brave to be playing like this with your condition," she said in a gentle voice. "You have to be more careful in the future. Try not to get too involved in the game and remember you're allowed to stop when you feel too dizzy or lightheaded. Okay?"
He nodded weakly and closed his eyes. He could feel his heart slowing down by the minute. If he could just recover in time he could go back and win the game for his team…
"I don't remember much but I remember waking up in the medical office. My parents were arguing and my mom took me to the hospital. The doctors ran tests on me…" Bokuto had paused to take a bite of his Popsicle. A shiver ran down his spine. "They said…there was something wrong with my heart and that they have to put something inside me so it could work properly."
When he woke up next, he realized his team was gathered around him. All of them were still dressed in their jerseys and shorts, their team jackets thrown on over them. Komi was closest to him, the rest of them a step behind him. Bokuto could hear the coach and manager talking outside and he caught a glimpse of his mom. "Hey," Komi said softly. "Good to see you're still with us."
"It's called a pacemaker." Bokuto had placed a hand on his chest when Komi asked him for more details. "It helps my heart beat. I guess…since I didn't have it before…it went crazy and I passed out…"
"Did your team find out?" Komi had asked. "You passed out and got taken off of the court. Did they know why?"
Bokuto sat up slowly and flinched back when the setter stalked toward him and grabbed his collar. "We lost the game because of you," he snarled. "If you didn't pass out at the most crucial part of the match then we could've won. If you passed out later then it would've been fine but no, you just had to do that right there and then. This is all your fault."
"No." Bokuto's answer had been blunt. "They didn't know. I never told them and we graduated a few weeks later anyway so there was no point."
"Hey, hold up!" Komi pulled him back and stepped in between them. "You can't say stuff like that! Bokuto isn't even the ace so why are you blaming him? If you want to blame someone then blame yourself for tossing to him all the time! We have three spikers on the court all the time, you know!"
"Obviously I'd toss to him," the setter scoffed. "He's the son of Bokuto Takeshi for a reason, right? The best volleyball player in Japan? So his son has to be some super insane spiker too, right? Wrong. Turns out he drops like a fly just because he's tired." He sneered. "You're weak. No one would want to play with you ever."
Komi glared daggers at him. He turned his attention to the other players on the team. "He can't be right, you know! Help me out!" there was some shuffling and mumbling but no one spoke up to defend Bokuto. "You guys don't know anything…!"
"Is that why you don't play anymore?" Bokuto had looked up when Komi spoke aloud. The shorter boy had finished his Popsicle and was licking his stick. "Things are different now. You've got your pacemaker and medicine. I know about it so if something bad happens, I'd know why. Don't you miss it? The sound of a spike…"
"I knew you'd never taken us seriously," the setter continued. "You come to practice whenever you want and you don't even stay for the whole thing."
"Completely shutting a spike out all on your own…"
"And when we have practice matches, you don't even play. You just sit there and watch. And then when we have official games, you get to play. Obviously I'll toss to you then because you need the practice."
"Winning with your whole team or losing with your whole team…it's not just you alone. It's everyone together."
"We had a chance this year and we lost it because of you. You should never play volleyball again."
"A lot of sports are for tall guys but volleyball has a libero position and it's usually for short people. I love being a libero because I get to protect everyone from the back. Just knowing my receive or cover is enough to let you guys fight and win is enough for me." Komi had given him the brightest smile Bokuto had ever seen. It made him tear up and he quickly looked away so Komi wouldn't notice.
Komi shouted, "That's enough! You guys should just leave. There's no team out there that should ever talk like that to a teammate." He stood defensively in front of his friend's cot as his team shuffled out, their coach and manager remaining outside. Bokuto's mother lingered by the door, waiting for the right time to enter.
"If you want to join us, let me know. I'm the team's libero and the third-years are leaving after the Inter-High. We'll need a spiker afterwards. With you, we'll definitely go to Nationals for the first time." Komi's voice was excited. "It'll be so fun. Let's do it!"
"Okay." Bokuto couldn't stop himself. Komi blinked at him in surprise. "I'll do it. I'll join."
"All right! Thanks, Bokuto!" Komi's smile had been infectious last night. Bokuto smiled for the first time in what felt like a long time. The next day, he had followed Komi to the gym where they practiced and he was able to play in a proper court and a proper toss for the first time in months.
That smile seemed like it belonged in a different timeline. Tears pooled Komi's eyes and he didn't raise his arm to wipe them. "I'm sorry," he mumbled. "I guess I got too wound up over going to Nationals and so did the other guys. It was my fault."
Bokuto shook his head. "It's not. It's not theirs either. It's mine." He glanced at the ceiling. "Maybe I'll just quit volleyball for real. No one's going to want to play with me after all this." He gave a sheepish look at his friend. "Thanks, Komi. I'm fine. You go ahead. I'll go home with my mom."
His mother took that as her cue to enter the room. Komi took a step back and turned around to leave, never glancing back at his friend. Once Bokuto was sure no one else was around, he bowed his head and started to cry, feeling his mother's arms wrapping around him a moment later.
He was never going to play volleyball again.
A/N: I'm back at it with the angst. This time it's Bokuto because of how complex his character is and I want to try an illness AU. I hope you enjoyed it!
I have a lot of other small writing projects to write up but this practically flew into my mind and begged to be typed up. I hadn't forgotten about Seijoh vs. Dateko or anything else. I'm going to write with the flow for a while. You can also check out my writing side blog iwritehaikyuu-things on Tumblr for more drabbles and headcannons.
Thank you for reading!
Haikyuu! does not belong to me.