Title: Get Back in the Trash, Trashykawa!
Because I' had no other ideas for a title
Rating: M because of language and chapter 2 which I plan on posting inn 80 years.
Characters: Oikawa Tooru and Iwaizumi Hajime
DISCLAIMER: Haikyuu! Does not belong to me and all that fun shit. This story does though? If you could even call it a story?
A/N: Basically this starts off as crack, then gets angsty, then it's just PWP
What has Haikyuu done to me?
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Click went the little button and the red dot appeared, signaling that the camera was indeed recording. "Ah, is it on. Is it on?" The brunet owner of the camera said as he tried to position himself perfectly in front of the device while styling his hair. It took him exactly eight seconds to realize that it was on, and as soon as this realization came to him, he jumped with a little "Oh" escaping his lips. Immediately, he straightened his back and sat up in the spinny chair, clearing his throat in preparation for the video. "Hello, my name is Trashykawa Tofu…I MEAN Oikawa Tooru, I am seventeen years old, and I am currently in my husband's house, waiting to surprise him for our eighth year anniversary." The brunet began. In the distance, the sound of a shower could be heard, and with a click, the water stopped rushing. Oikawa paused for a moment, then smiled his signature smile at the camera.
"Ah, it's almost time~" He said and winked to the lens. Within a matter of seconds, the door clicked open, and Iwaizumi emerged from the bathroom wearing nothing at all, unless you count the towel he was currently drying his hair off with. As soon as he saw Oikawa spinning around in his desk chair, however, he stopped. It took him exactly 0.8 seconds to flush bright red and immediately drag the towel down to his private parts, covering them up and away from view. "My my, Iwa-chan. Aren't we shy? It's not like I haven't seen you naked before" Oikawa commented, making Iwaizumi blush an even deeper shade of red.
"Oi don't say stupid shit like that! You're going to give the readers the wrong idea!" He immediately retorted, and Oikawa gave him a scolding face. "Tut tut, breaking the fourth wall is against the rules". To that, Iwaizumi merely rolled his eyes. "What the fuck are you even doing here in the first place, Trashykawa?" He asked, trying to discreetly walk over to his closet where he could at least get some pants on his ass or something. Now, Oikawa mock swooned in shock. "Iwa-chan, did you forget? Today is our eighth wedding anniversary. I came to surprise you!" Oikawa continued, going round and around in the chair until he got dizzy and had to stop.
"How the fuck did you even get in my house in the first place? I don't remember giving you a key?" Iwaizumi inquired, eyebrow raised, although he wasn't as freaked out as he should be. Well, this was Oikawa after all, he was pretty much harmless, like a little piece of trash, a plastic bag, just drifting through the wind…of course, until he smashed into someone's face and suffocated them. "Umm definitely not the window, I can tell you that for sure" Oikawa replied, although it was obviously a huge ass lie. Iwaizumi looked at the window. The glass was gone, and only little shattered bits rimming the edges remained. In that moment, Iwaizumi paused for a moment, just thinking about the situation. By now, he had at least put on a pair of pants, so he walked up to the brunet, got real close, and attempted to sniff his breath or something.
"You're drunk, aren't you? Tell me you are drunk" He said as he tried to study Oikawa's face for any substance abuse clues. Immediately, Oikawa grabbed Iwaizumi's face and smashed his cheeks together making his lips into a puckered fish face before he gave him a little kiss. "Nonono Iwa-chan, I am perfectly drug free! And we are perfectly married!" He chided. At this notion, Iwaizumi immediately stumbled back, his face once again red as he tried to wipe his lips. "What the fuck are you even on about? We are not even dating!" Iwaizumi said in complete confusion.
Oikawa looked legitimately offended for a second. "Oh yea Iwa-chan? Then what's this?" He said as he pulled out a piece of paper. Iwaizumi raised his eyebrows and snatched the paper out of Oikawa's hands before reading it over. A few seconds of silence, then he burst into a laughing fit. The paper had a few words scrawled on it in pink crayon: "Merig Leisens, Tutelly Legit. Seigned bi: Treshykawa Tofu end Iowa-Chan" It was almost as if Oikawa had tried to write it in English for the sole reason that gay marriage was legal in America, yet not in Japan, but the whole thing just failed and blew up in his face.
"See, we're totally married and now I'm going to surprise you!" Oikawa proclaimed cheerfully as he stood up from the chair and completely took off the trench coat he was wearing. Yes, he was actually wearing a trench coat, and no, he was not naked underneath at all, but that didn't stop Iwaizumi's mouth from falling open into a huge O. Silence filled the room as Iwaizumi just stood there and stared. Finally, he spoke. "Are you wearing my mother's wedding dress?" He asked, very monotone. Oikawa acted as if he's never even heard of such a thing. "Pftt whaaat? Nooooo?, Where do you get these silly ideas from, Iowa-chan?"
"Then why do you say it like it's a question? And did you just fucking call me Iowa-chan?" Iwaizumi questioned.
Tooru just twirled around in the dress, watching it spin in a perfect circle. "This is a rental, a rental, I tell you. And yes, I did. It's a state in the U S of A. The state we got married in, in fact. Which you totally remember, because you were there, right?" he sang as he went on over to Iwaizumi and practically threw himself at the dark haired male in a very dramatic way.
More silence. "Oikawa, take that off" Iwaizumi stated flatly. By now, he was so fucking done with all this bull shit. Oikawa only gave him a wink. "That's what you're here for ~" he said almost too seductively. Sigh sigh sigh. Iwaizumi took a hold of the setter's shoulders and kind of forced him to sit down next to him on the bed behind them. "Ohh kinky, Iwa-chan. Getting to the bed already?" Oikawa asked, but was immediately silenced as Iwaizumi slammed his palm against the brunet's lips. "I don't know what the fuck you're on, but you need to get the fuck off it and chill the fuck out." his voice was low and almost too stern.
Oikawa only giggled underneath his hand in a relatively girlish manner, before he pushed the palm away. "Silly Iwa-chan, its only crack" He replied casually, shrugging his shoulders. Iwaizumi's eyes seemed to bug out of his skull and his body stiffened. "What the fuck? Where did you even get that? Who the fuck gave it to you? Why did you even take it in the first place? Were you forced into it or something? Tell me now!" All the words spilled out of his mouth and Oikawa had to press a finger against his lips In order for him to stop talking. "Not that kind of crack, the good kind of crack" Oikawa replied rather too casually.
"What the hell is that even supposed to mean!?"
Oikawa paused for a moment, thinking of what to say. Then, in a very serious voice, he just said: "I have been reading a lot of fan fictions…" What was this aura around him? It was rather creepy, so creepy. And it only got creepier. "About us." He finished. "Now who's breaking the fourth wall and wait what? WHAT DO YOU MEAN ABOUT US?" Iwaizumi immediately shot back and actually flinched back, inching away from the clearly crazy guy like wtf? Oikawa did that thing where he took his index fingers and began squishing them together, then pulling them apart, then repeat and repeat and shit. It was supposed to look cute, but it just looked kind of weird, since it was not done by a kawaii girl.
"Well there was this one where we decided to role play, and you put a dog collar on me and tied me to the bed and then wouldn't let me come, but all that thrusting got me really hot so I masturbated to you later that night…like, I masturbated in real life" He said really innocently, and in an embarrassed manner, in like…a way that you would say "I kissed someone yesterday". This was definitely not something Oikawa should have shared, and Iwaizumi made it quite clear that this was making him uncomfortable. "What the fuck is wrong with you? Seriously, were you dropped on the head as a baby? Multiple times? On to a side walk? From the eight floor of a building?"
Ok, maybe this was pushing it a little bit…or a lot…Hearing Iwaizumi's disappointed voice, Oikawa slumped forward, resting his head on his childhood friend's shoulder. "Gomen, Iwa-chan" He said rather sadly. Ah, why was unrequited love so hard to bear with? Oikawa wanted a lot of things, and often he got what he wanted, yet when it came to the things that mattered the most, the things that he desperately needed, those were the things he could never get. And he acted like an idiot, sure, but there was only so much a person could take. He tried to confess his love several times, but with each time, the attempt was more and more ridiculous, especially considering the fact that the recipient was too oblivious to note it as an actual attempt, and often brushed it off like it was no big deal.
Before he knew it, he could feel his eyes start to prickle. What was this? Why now? Did he even have a reason to cry? He didn't, so why was he? Things like that were unpredictable, completely unpredictable, and uncontrollable. He could feel each tear trickle down his cheeks, know that they fell straight onto Iwaizumi's shoulder, yet he made no sound, no sobs or anything, just very silent, uncontrollable crying. "Are you…crying?" Iwaizumi asked, brows furrowed in slight concern. Oikawa shut his eyes in an attempt to stop the tears from flowing, to lock them up like he tried to lock up all of his feelings. "No" he protested, although it came out a lot weaker than he had intended.
Yet before he knew it, he could feel a hand in his hair, trying to comfort him as Iwaizumi's graceful touch brushed through his brown locks. "Come on Trashykawa, take the ridiculous get up off and I'll let you stay the night." Iwaizumi said relatively softly. Oh, Oikawa could totally rejoice now! "I-Iwa-can" He cried and flung his arms around the shorter male's neck, bringing him into an awkward hug. That's kind of how they stayed for a while… FOR A WHILE.