"Connor…"
"Connor, come back to me."
The condiment kept calling for him to return. Connor was sweating, yet unable to run, unable to even take a single step. He was powerless.
"You said you loved me! You were like a king to me!" Its yellowness kept shouting and crying, "What happened to us…?"
What happened to them?
He woke up in tears. The young teenager pushed all of his covers off and ran out of his bedroom without even putting his super cool shades on; "Dirk! Bro!" he ran faster. He ran until he reached the kitchen, and he stopped to stare at the massive refrigerator that contained his two lovers. He didn't know who his one true love was, and he couldn't take it.
Upset, Connor flung the fridge door open and began to obnoxiously sob. At this point, Bro ran in, "What's up, Dave-ity-do slash Connorito?"
"NOW'S NOT THE TIME." Was it hormones or emotional pain? Dave-ity-do sobbed louder and threw a gallon of apple juice at his bro, "I… I can't."
"Lil dude, you gotta fix this. Is it school? Is it Rose?" He honestly didn't care. He just wanted the kid to be ironic again.
"IT'S THE MUSTARD. I FRICKING LOVE KETCHUP, BUT LAST NIGHT—" Connorito stopped. His shoulders fell and he reached into the cold fridge to grab the ketchup, "Mustard visited me in a dream. No, a nightmare… Mustard wants me back."
He was cradling the red condiment now, this was going too far. "Listen—"
"NO YOU LISTEN."
"Okay, I'm the guardian here. You're gonna listen to me." Dirk took an ironically deep breath, "You can't get this emotional about what you eat your food with. I don't even know if this is healthy." Bro leaned down to help the little one off the kitchen tile, "I mean, does John get this way about fake arms and fruit gushers? Is Rose like this with wizards and vampires? Does Jade get this way about dogs and plants? …Don't answer that last one, actually."
Dave sniffled, his snot was even more disgusting than relish. Frick that darn topping. He loved mustard, no he loved ketchup. Ketchup loved him in the way that he wanted to be loved, and he loved it in the same way. Mutual feelings were nice, even unironically. "None of them know how I'm feeling right now."
"We should talk things over…"
"I'm gonna fricking talk to Eridan." Connor began to walk away, "He's the only one who understands the pain that love is giving me."