A/N: Yay my first One Piece Fanfic! I'm pretty sure this is gonna end up being a Oneshot story but who knows maybe one day I will get a sudden urge to add another chapter to this story but with a different scenario...or maybe not, who knows. Anyway I want to let you guys know the characters may be a bit ooc, also I'm pretty damn sure this is what people call a crack fic and if I'm wrong then please correct me. Story pairing I guess could be labeled as a Luffy x Hancock so yeah now you know all you need to and now prepare yourselves for my craziest story yet along with a crap load of stupid references! Yay, Enjoy!
Luffy: Sanji I'm hungry I want meat!
Sanji: Stupid rubber man you just ate five minutes ago!
Luffy: But Sanji-
Sanji: No buts Luffy you're just gonna have to wait until dinner, besides I'm still pissed you got to spend your two years of training on the island every man dreams. Maidens Island a dream island filled with fragrant beautiful ladies! Stupid Kuma sending the rubber brain to the island of dreams and sending me to that island of nightmares! The things I saw there I swear I will never be the same. *Cries inside*
Luffy: But Sanji I wasn't I was on a separate island training with Rayleigh.
Sanji: Doesn't matter either way you got to meet the worlds most beautiful woman awahhh*nosebleed*
Still don't know how he survived, I thought maiden Island was forbidden to men...lucky bastard.
Nami: Hey guys I think we might have a problem there's a ship in the distance to the east and it looks like its heading right toward us.
Sanji: Nami-Swann you're so beautiful when you are warning us of a potential enemy ship especially with those bell bottom jeans and boots with the fur! *more nose bleeding* (...what boots?)
Random voice: ~She's got the whole club (sea) looking at her, she hit the floor (deck), next thing you know shawty got low low low low low~
Sanji: Ah ha~ ah hah~ ah hahhh~ Nami-Saaaan! *dirty minded Sanji activate*
Chopper: AHH OH NO SANJI STOP YOUR LOSING TO MUCH BLOOD! SOMEONE GET A DOCTOR!
Strawhats Synchronized Shout: THAT'S YOU!
Chopper: Oh right. SANJI HOLD ON!
Zoro: *Wakes up very suddenly* Monkey ate the banana! *looks around* Huh what!?... oh never mind its just the stupid love cook bleeding to death again.
Sanji: *Suddenly got better* Stupid Moss head what was that you just said!
Nami: Anyway Luffy what do you want to do about the ship?
Usopp: Lets just keep moving maybe the boat is harmless. "Please let it be harmless!"
Chopper: I'm with Usopp, lets leave it alone and wait till it goes away by itself.
Franky: No no no I disagree I say we fight so I can show you guys my Suuper new weapons. *Shows off some new feature*
Chopper, Usopp, and Luffy: UWAHHH! SO COOL!
Robin: *looks up from book* I don't mind either way, though it has been a while since I've gotten the chance to break a few backs.
Sanji and Zoro: *Still two busy fighting to comment* (on standby will respond later.)
Brook: Whoever they are I wonder if they would let me see their panties. Only if they are woman though. My eyes have seen enough of mens underwear for a lifetime. Ah although a lifetime has already passed because I'm already dead so it would be a second lifetime wouldn't it, not that it matters because I now have no eyes to begin with! Yohohoho! Skull joke!
Luffy: Shi shi shi shi lets wait and see who they are *drools* maybe they have some yummy meat on their ship. *Gets smacked on the head by Nami*
~Not too long later~
Guess who: LUFFY MY DEAREST!
Luffy: Huh? Oh hey guys look its Hamhock I mean Hancock. HIII!
Strawhat Crew: *Jaws drop open*
Hancock: LUFFY MY LOVE WILL YOU-
Luffy: I'm not marrying you.
Hancock: *dramatic pose* Oh so cold but I still love you.
Strawhat Crew (in unison): …...*GASP* ITS BOA HANCOCK THE FEMALE SHICHIBUKAI!
Random Dog 1: *Gasp* Jinkies I never would have guessed! Hi its me Scooby dooby doo!
Random Dog 2: And me Scrappy I'm here too!
Everyone: GET OUT OF HERE YOU AREN'T EVEN IN THIS SHOW!
Hancock: *Kicks both dogs back to where the came from*
Luffy: Shi shi shi shi those were some strange talking dogs weren't they, but boy you guys are kinda slow aren't you. Shi shi shi!
Various members of the Strawhat Crew: LIKE YOU'VE ANY RIGHT TO SAY THAT! * Bonks Luffy on the head*
Hancock: INSOLENT FOOLS HOW DARE YOU HURT MY FUTURE HUSBAND, YOU MUST PAY! *Is suddenly engulfed by a intense passionate anime-like fire of love/protectiveness/fury/etc, pshh you get what I mean*
Some Random Voice from Nowhere: THAT GIRL IS ON FIRRREEE!~
Everyone: SHUT THE HELL UP!
Hancock: You dare interrupt me! "Mero Mero Mellow"!
That Random Voice from Nowhere: *Gets turned to stone (don't ask how), then gets kicked and shatters into dust *
The Faint Sound of That Random Voice from Nowhere: ~Duust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind~
*cough cough*... I'm sorry I'll shut up now.
Brook: I hope we meet that voice again, I would love to sing a duet with it.
The next day the news coo comes and the straw hats find out that voice has started its own show... its called The Voice... and Buggy, Ivankov, Smoker, and Bon Kurei are this seasons judges (But that is a story for another time). Anyway back to where we were.
Luffy: Oi Hancock did you bring any food with you?!
Hancock: Of course Luffy my love, like I could ever forget such a thing. Here you go. *brings out ridiculous amounts of meat*
Luffy: Oh Hancock your the best!
Hancock: *Blushes*
Zoro: Heh well someones being treated well. Its about time, I was wondering when Luffy was gonna find himself a lady. Jealous much love cook?
Sanji: No I don't believe it, its not possible how could such a beautiful woman fall for someone like him of all people! Why not me! Senpai notice me, notice me! *cries in the corner biting on a handkerchief like a drama queen*
Nami: …Well that just happened. But that aside I have to agree I mean there's no way the pirate empress could fall for our idiot of a captain. This has got to be some kind of ruse.
Usopp: Yeah? Then what do you call that! *Points to Luffy and Hancock* She even called him her beloved!
Nami: I don't know m-maybe she means it in a motherly loving way?
Chopper: Or, or maybe shes like his sister separated at birth.
Usopp: Yeah yeah I mean I guess its possible... isn't it?
Zoro: In a fanfiction maybe. ...?...Wait whats a fan fiction?
Chopper: *Sigh* Yeah your right, that would be as likely as you and Sanji actually getting along.
Usopp: Its close to impossible.
Usopp: Wait a sec, just what IS a fanfiction?
Chopper: I don't know but it sounds scary.
Usopp: Yeah it kind of does, how does Zoro even know this stuff.
Chopper: Hmm I don't know though there is the possibility that this fanfiction thing is just a figment of his imagination.
Usopp: Yeah that would make more sense.
Chopper: Hey Usopp I've been wondering this for a while, why isn't your mouth moving when you talk?
Usopp: I don't know but yours isn't either so why should mine have to, though this is weird...heh its like we're in each others minds.
Chopper: Yeah it is isn't it hahahaha!
Usopp: Hahahaha!
Usopp and Chopper: ...AAAAHHHHHH!
Franky: Anyway Luffy Bro sure has found himself a suuper pretty lady. And by the looks of how far those two dogs flew I would guess strong as well.
Chopper: Don't forget scary.
Usopp: Chopper shhh she might hear you and kick you to who knows where like she did with those two random talking dogs. Rumor has it kicking small animals is a hobby of hers.
Chopper: Eeepp!
Another random voice (female this time): ~Rumor has it- Rumor has it- Rumor has it- Rumor has it shes the one hes leaving her for~ *gets smacked by Nami (again don't ask how)
Brook: Say do you think she would let me see her panti- *two hands smack against his mouth*
Nami: If you value your afterlife don't finish that sentence believe me no good will come of it.
That random female voice again: ~What is it good for. Absolutely nothing say it again!~
Nami and Zoro: WHAT IS WITH YOU STUPID VOICES! SHUT UP ALREADY!
Zoro: That's it! Santoryu Onigiri!
That random female voice: *gets slashed (again don't ask how) and flung away by Zoro's three sword style into infinity and beyond...yeah*
Zoro: Stupid voice was annoying me.
Sanji: You! How dare you hit a lady!
Zoro: What? Psh stupid cook getting all worked up over a voice.
Sanji: It was a female voice!
Zoro: Oh and so that makes it a lady?! That's a whole new level of retard you're reaching there failure cook!
Sanji: What was that! Why you...grrr! Who are you calling a retard you directionless idiot, it doesn't matter if the voice doesn't have a body it was still a female voice therefore its a lady!
Zoro: IT WAS A FUCKING VOICE!
Sanji: NO ONE ASKED YOUR OPINION SHITTY SWORDSMAN!
Zoro: YOU WANT TO GO ! *gets into fighting pose*
Sanji: IF YOUR NOT TOO SCARED MR. DIRECTIONALLY CHALLENGED! *also gets into fighting pose*
Zoro and Sanji: GRRR!
Random announcers voice: ~Fight Start~
Robin: *giggle* Well those two sure look like they're having fun.
Nami: Seriously Robin?!
Robin: *small giggle* Sorry ah-hem you were saying?
Nami: We were trying to determine what the relationship between Luffy and the Snake Empress is.
Robin: Mmm. Well from what I see it looks like they are not quite friends but also not quite lovers.
Franky: ...I'm super confused.
Usopp and Chopper: *nods head in agreement*
Robin: Haha. Well to be more precise how each sees their relationship is a bit different, reason for that being that one hasn't awakened to their natural instincts and may not understand, the other one of them seems to be head over heels and seems to be aiming for something more than what they currently have. *looks over and sees Hancock trying to seduce Luffy...and failing*
Nami: Well obviously.
Robin: Surprisingly a part of me does actually think a potential relationship between these two is possible. Although needless to say a relationship like that would take a good amount of time and patience especially on the side of the snake empress. Either way it is possible.
Franky: Okay yeah that's nice and all but that still doesn't answer the question of what their relationship is now. We still suuper don't get what you're saying.
Usopp and Chopper: *nods head in agreement*
Nami: I think what Robin is trying to say is that maybe Luffy and Hancock are kinda in one of those strange awkward in between stages where they are friends but both want something slightly different?
Most of the Strawhats: …...
Nami: *frustrated sigh* Honestly I don't know but it seems they are currently just friends with the exception of Hancock who seems to want to be in a dating relationship as her current actions are suggesting. *looks over to see Hancock attempting to lay on Luffys lap... and failing once again.* As for Luffy he seems to be satisfied with just being friends.
Usopp: Oh okay now I get it, why didn't you two just say so from the beginning?
Nami: Because Robin enjoys messing with you guys and making things a bit more than they actually need to be.
Chopper: Is that true Robin! *Has tears in corner of eyes.*
Robin: Sorry Chopper, I admit it is. But its just so entertaining and cute seeing your all's reactions.
Chopper: *Laughs and sways happily* Shut up you bastard it doesn't make me happy if you say my reactions are entertaining and cute!
Nami: You know she wasn't aiming that comment at you in particular right?.
Chopper: Whaaat!
Usopp: Nami don't be mean let Chopper have his moment!
Nami: Hey it wasn't my intention to be mean, I was just stating a fact! Anyway the conclusion we seemed to have come by is once again that Luffy wants to be friends and Hancock is in love with Luffy (unbelievable right), but Luffy has yet to awaken to his male hormones and does not notice her painfully obvious displays of affection, either that or he notices but he doesn't want to outright reject her in fear of hurting her.
Announcers Voice: C-C-Combo! ~Sudden Death~
Nami: GRRR THATS IT! I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU MOTHER F-ING VOICES ON THIS MOTHER F-ING BOAT! SHUT UP AND GO AWAY, WE'RE TRYING TO HAVE A SERIOUS CONVERSATION HERE THAT IF MY FEARS COME TRUE MIGHT HAVE A HUGE AFFECT ON THE CREW, AND YOU TWO NO KILLING EACH OTHER!
Sanji: Ah yes Nami-swaan! *noodle dances over to her*
Zoro: About the conversation you guys were having, you guys ever stop to think that maybe Luffy does notice how she feels but is simply in denial?
The Strawhat Gossip Circle: …...*eyes widen*
Brook: Oh wait I forgot I have no eyes to widen with yohohoho!
Zoro: Really guys try to as least give him some credit he is our captain after all.
Chopper: *Gasp* I just realized if Luffy did fall in love and date the scary snake lady then wouldn't they eventually be labeled as Pirate Empress and (Future) Pirate King?! ….For some reason that title sounds so cool!
Robin: Pirate Empress and Pirate King I admit that labeling of the two names does sound impressive, it almost sounds like the title of a fairytale storybook.
In Robins mind: I don't know why but a part of me can't help but question would such a relationship as that even work out she is after all a Shichibukai. Hey what do you know it almost sounds like that one book I read, what was it called...i think maybe Romeo and Juliet or was it Twilight? Anyway if they did somehow find a way to make it work out then that might actually make for some good story material, hmm I wonder should I be recording this down somewhere? You know I should start thinking about which book I want to read next, should it be "Treasure Island" or perhaps "A Midsummer Nights Dream". Maybe I should just read that old book I got a while back, if I remember correctly I think it was titled "My Immortal" …hmm why not after all the the shop keeper did say it was a jaw dropping book, he practically gave it away to me for free that means he thinks its so good that everyone should read it and just had to share it with me...right?
(That evening a high pitched scream was heard in the library and a old book was seen being thrown out the window into the sea.) Anyway back to the original topic at hand.
Nami: Somehow I don't even want to imagine her becoming a member of Luffy's family. Seriously the people in his family are crazy enough as it is, they don't need an overprotective, man hating, drama queen with a seemingly huge ego in addition to what they already have.
Usopp: Agreed. *Gulp* I don't even want to imagine what a family reunion for them would look like.
In Usopps mind:
Luffy: We've arrived! Wheres the food!
Hancock: Oh Luffy dearest you look wonderful in that tie!
Luffy: Really? Shi shi thanks Hancock!
Hancock: Luffy thanked me! *Has hand over forehead leaning back dramaticlly* Oh Luffy there is truly no one else like you, I love you so much!
Dragon: *Walks over* Luffy my son you've done well.
Luffy: Who are you?
Garp: *Door slams open* Hahaha so Luffy where are my grandchildren!
Hancock: Ch-ch-children?! *Faints then gets back up* Grandfather fear not we will get you those grandchildren how many do you want Four, Ten, Fifty!? We'll get on it immediately don't worry grandfather we'll make you proud, come Luffy we mustn't disappoint your family!
Marine Soldier: *Cough cough* Um Vice Admiral Garp.
Garp: Oh yes sorry I meant to say "Surrender yourselves we the Marines have got you surrounded now all three of you feel my fists of love and give yourselves up.
Dragon: Father don't you mean to say "all three of you give yourselves up OR feel my fists of love?"
Garp: Haha nope. Charge! Hyaaaa!
Marine Soldiers: Hyaaa!
Random Marine Soldier: Hyaaa! Straw Hat!
Hancock: You worthless fool how dare you try to attack my Husband! Mero Mero Mellow!
Dragon: *Talks into transponder snail* Ivankov you and the others are now free to come in and join the reunion if you wish.
Revolutionaries: *Bursts through the back door* Attack!
Marine Soldier: Attack the revolutionaries as well! Hyaaaa! *Marines charge toward revolutionaries and knock and trample over buffet table Luffy was stuffing his face from*
Luffy: No my food! *Marine tramples over the meat* No, not my meat! You bastard I'll make you pay for that Hyaaaa! Gear Second! Gomu Gomu no Gatling!
Random Marine: We need backup! Someone call headquarters and tell them to send an admiral!
Marines, Revolutionaries, Luffy and Hancock: HYYYAAAA!
*BOOM!* *Building explodes*
*End of what Usopp thinks Luffys family reunion would look like*
Nami: Okay Luffy's family put aside have we all come to an agreement on Luffy and Hancock are to each other?
Strawhat gossip circle: Yeah*mumble* I guess *mumbles* more or less.
Robin: There is one question that has yet to be answered. The question being "why did Luffy yell out he wasn't going to marry her"?
Zoro: What does it matter Luffys business is Luffys business. We've already butted in enough. *Looks over to Sanji who is still busy noodle dancing around Nami and Robin* Hehehe. *Smirks evilly and speaks loud enough so a certain cook can hear* Ah-hem but then again who know maybe they are already dating, as for what Luffy yelled out he probably was yelling that out because there was no need for her to marry him after all the crazy woman is already acting like his wife at least when it comes to food. It make me wonder though since its obvious shes met his food needs I'm curious to know if shes met his *cough cough* Other needs.
Sanji: *The noodle dance ends suddenly and cigarette is almost choked on* O-other needs you mean like T-t-those kinds of needs?
Zoro: *Smirk* of course what else did you think I meant.
Sanji: *Mind burning images race through his head* No-No-No-Noo go away image go away! Why Hancock-chan whyyy's it got to be that rubber bastard!? Wait this is your fault isn't it you stupid sword brain your shitting with me aren't you!
Zoro: Hehehe mission successful.
Computerized voice: *Bing* ~Achievment Unlocked!~ You won the traumatized cook medal.
Luffy: Hey guys whats with you, you've been sitting around in a circle for a while now and whats up with Sanji and why is he in the corner shivering and rocking himself back and forth? Meh Whatever hey guys I'm bored lets do something fun.
Strawhat Crew: *Panics* Luffy we swear we weren't gossiping about you and Hancock, we totally weren't butting into your personal life we swear... *cough cough* We mean uh yeah.
Luffy: ….? Shi shi shi you guys are so weird. Oh hey we should do that thing Hancock and I did in our room on our way to Impel Down, it was fun though also really tiring, but shes really good at it!
Hancock: NO LUFFY THAT IS NOT THE KIND OF ACTIVITY I WILL ALLOW YOU TO DO WITH JUST ANYONE! I REFUSE TO LET SOMEONE ELSE DO THAT WITH YOU, IT IS OUR SPECIAL MEMORY AND NO ONE ELSE IS ALLOWED TO EXPERIENCE IT! *Hancocks look down on them to the point of looking up pose*
Luffy: Aww fine I guess if its so important to you then I wont do it with anyone else.
Usopp: A-An activity they did in a room alone... no it can't be.
Nami: But Luffy doesn't get tired easily... besides a big battle the only thing I could ever imagine doing that would be... Eww no I don't want to imagine that! Bad thoughts, bad images, eek make them go away this is so wrong!
Sanji: Did he just say "Our room"? There's only one thing a man and a woman do in a room that you wouldn't do with just anyone and that is.. *gulp* that lucky rubbery shitty bastard!... S-so that means him and her... *on the verge of tears*...*Cue fainting and intense nosebleed* Shitty rubber captain better have been gentle with her...I wonder what her cup size is. *Completely blacks out*
Franky: Yow! So that means Luffy Bro has finally grown up and become a man! I'm so proud of you! *starts crying tears of joy* I swear I'm not crying I just got something in my eye whaaa!
Brook: Ah the joys of being young and alive, I feel I must play a song to celebrate this momentous occasion yohoho! *For some reason starts playing the song "Milkshake" "~My milkshake bring all the boys to they yard~"*
Robin: *Giggle* I figured Luffy-san would have to awaken to his male hormones some day. Hmm I wonder if I should count this as a historical moment.
Chopper: ….I don't get it guys.
Zoro: *Brain Processing information... Processing...Processing...Click* WAIT SO YOU TWO MEAN YOU ACTUALLY DID DO IT!
Luffy: Shi shi yeah of course we did it, it was really enjoyable too and get this the game included doing lots of positions and through that I found out shes almost as flexible as me hahaha.
Strawhat Crew: …..Positions...Flexible?
Luffy: Hey Hancock that reminds me we should play that twister game again sometime. I had lots of fun playing it with you. *Shows trademark smile*
Strawhat Crew : *Silence and then...Thump*
Luffy: Huh?! Hey guys why'd you all suddenly fall asleep?! Geez and you guys call me horrible at listening. Oh hey Hancock is something wrong you look all red...and there's blood coming from your nose.
Hancock: *Dramatically Faints*
Luffy: ….Seriously what is with everyone and falling asleep today...Oh well time to go raid the fridge, Yosh prepare to be eaten meat, I'm on my way!
The End!
Authors note: Good god what the hell did I just write!? Honestly I don't even know how I come up with this stuff but I will say, I don't hate it. I will admit like I mentioned at the beginning I'm pretty sure I made the character a bit OOC, I am aware that I may have dumbed the characters down a bit but hey it was for the sake of whatever craziness came into my brain to progress and complete this crazy ridiculous story.
Any how I hope this story wasn't one of those "so horrible why did I read this crap" stories and unfortunately if it is well then shit, but its too late now just gots to hope it doesn't turn into a famous(in a bad way) cringe worthy story like "My Immortal" (Heh, yeah you saw me make that reference earlier.). Three cheers for references galore!
Anyway I guess that's all then so leave a review and maybe a favorite to let me know it didn't completely suck, also please don't hire Fire Fist Ace to throw his flames at me cause that would make me really sad especially since I'm being flamed at by one of my favorite characters... Whaaaa Ace I miss you! Whaaa! Yeah even now I'm still butt hurt about the whole getting rid of Ace thing. (And if you haven't read or watched till the Marineford Arc well then Fu**... Hehe...surprise...spoilers.)