It was a day like any other- around 70 degrees fahrenheit with a breeze cool and crisp. Sonic the Hedgehog was headed to his shack in Green Hill after a brisk 500K run, which to him is just a part of his daily routine. Upon making his commute though, he had spotted something a bit peculiar. Sonic heard something coming from a bush next to one of Green Hill's imfamous purple rocks. With the gentle, yet revealing rustle of the leaves and the occasional shifting of the rock, it had seemed as if something had been resting against it. This thing, however was no ordinary 'thing'. Whatever it was was alive, and there was only one thing for it.
Being extra careful to ensure that he didn't provoke it, Sonic slowed his pace to a tip-toe whilst also examining the rock itself. "Am I crazy or something?" Sonic though to himself. He reached the corner of the rock and cautiously peaked around it. What he found had him unsure how to feel. A mixture of underwhelmment, sheer rage and very minor hints of depression welled up within Sonic. After seeing all the discarded banana peels, he knew what he'd found.
The creature turned to Sonic and returned his melancholy gaze with its own. It stared at him with its great beady eye, seemingly enlarged by its comically large goggles. Sonic turned away soon after seeing its skin, a garish bright yellow color. Staring much longer likely would've blinded him. The creature got up to stand with its stubby legs, supporting the weight of it's head and body which were seemingly one unit on its surprisingly beefy noodle arms. When it was upright, strands of miscellaneous banana peel inards fell from it's denim dungarees with a strange 'G' marking encapsulated in a black diamond on the front pocket. The creature, not much shorter than Sonic, looked up at him and uttered a phrase that sounded either foreign or made up. Perhaps even both..?
"Oh, bello!" said the creature, its eye wide. "Uh, hey. You look sorta familiar..." Sonic said as he tried to place exactly where he'd seen this thing before. "You look like those weird tic-tac esque guys on all those weird pictures that 40 year-old single mothers share on Facebook with a totally unrelated quote or some stupid shit like that." said Sonic. "You're a minion, aren't you?" he proceded, maintaining eye contact with the creature somehow. "Si!" replied the minion, oblivious to the fact that Sonic pretty much called it out for being a walking and barely talking source of cancer. "To bida pigfou mac, pelo Ka takan lugo pik." it continued. Sonic didn't know what exactly it said, but he did pick up some "Minionese" from a websile that he'd found a while back. "You say I look familiar too, huh?" as the minion nodded yes to confirm. Sonic followed up "Yeah, I'm pretty famous around here. But I have to know now why and how exactly you wound up here. The stage lights dimmed away and a spotlight shined on the minion. "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST DO TO THE SUN YOU LITTLE SHIT EATING SIMPSONS REJECT?" said Sonic in almost no time flat. The minion continued. "Ka kaylay po da a briko een a globo kafar da aca. To verlo, Ka kaylay po ehsop nunu torutepak Ka wry oda aca een spades." Sonic vaguely understood and repeated the gist for the sake of the reader's convenience. "You say you're searching for something that's common here? Like what?" The minion continued. "Dos to unami, migo."
The minion went on a long schpeel about its travels and other boring ass shit and eventually got to the point. The world's regular lighting returned, and seemingly no time had passed. "The fuck..." muttered Sonic under his hot, chili dog scented breath. "Yee tikami Ka fonjag aca, een cat de budgan tem de fop lab lay furry asshole." Conveniently enough, his point had no translation so Sonic didn't need to repeat it in English. "So, you're just here for gay furry sex." "SI!" the minion exclaimed. Sonic paused, slowly developing an idea. "You know what, wait here. I think I know just the guy." In almost no time, Sonic returned with Knuckles the Echidna. Sonic then breifly explained the situation to Knuckles. When he concluded however, Sonic turned to Knuckles and gave him a wink. Knuckles caught on and picked up the minion. He acted seductively as the minion prepared his gaping butthole, ripped and scarred up from overuse. But just then Knuckles tossed the minion up in the air and drop kicked him. The kick was swift and executed with great force. So much so in fact that the minion was on a crash course for the sun.
The minion reached speeds unimaginable even for Sonic, yet it stayed totaly intact. It was seconds before anyone could react and the minion had actually hit the sun. The impact was mighty, and it was even visible from Mobius, the planet that Sonic and co. live on. However, something seemed off about the impact. Regardless of the circumstances, anything hurdling toward the sun at that great of a speed would have caused an explosion on the star's surface. But this... this was unusual. Not just the fact that it was visible, but it seemed that the impact didn't just stop at an explosion. The sun's shape was actually changing. Not just an amorphous blob, no. It was meticulous. It was beginning to take the shape of the minion. Not even seconds later, the sky turned a deep, sexy yellow and banana shaped clouds started forming. From the cloud, more minions rained down onto Mobius, each about the size of a golf ball at first.
This brought about the apocolypse of Mobius, and from that point on Sonic was never heard from again. They probably ate him or some shit, honestly I'm at a loss right now. Well, that's that. Hope you busted at least three nuts while reading this, Davey. Actually, there may not have been enough flex tape or flex seal for your tastes. But I'll make sure that Phil Swift is heard from in the next one. But for now, just what the fuck ever. I'm done.