A/N: This has no pairings, maybe VERY slight Louie/Brittany, and if that would be the case by the end, it's NOT the main focus. The main focus is me fooling around writing random crap to the readers, which I usually do...in other words, it's my usual poor attempts at being funny.
This wont have many chapters, maybe just a few. Depends. On things.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything except for my OCs. I hope I will someday though. No, this fanfic wont have any of that "Cannon/OC" shit. That's silly and dumb IMO.
Enjoy! Cow goes moo.
The young female Koppaite aka Brittany giggled evilly to herself as she opened the refridgerator door.
"Ohh, this is just too exciting! Stealing their juices while they're asleep, and then sneak back to our own ship. I'm a genius, ohohoo! It serves that fatso right!" She whispered excitedly to herself, but decided to stop in fear she was becoming schizophrenic. To her disappointment, she didn't find much juice, but much vegetables. She hated vegetables with a passion. Oh well...
Though they did have a little juice, and from that, an idea started to form...
'Maybe...' Brittany took the pikpik carrots bound together by a string and put them on the counter. She dug through some drawers and found a knife, or she guessed it was; it was dark in the room and she didn't have the guts to turn on the main light in risk to wake the Hocotatians up. When she found a small light on the kitchen counter, she thought it couldn't hurt to have a little and turned on the light enough for her to see.
After finding a decent cutting board, she started mincing the carrots. They each came out in different sizes due to her bad sight in the dark but it was good enough. Then she poured some juice into a bowl...
Meanwhile...
Louie woke up, feeling his tummy churn and whine at him from hunger. The stomach had a mind of it's own and he rather followed it's commands than any other parts of the body. Thus he woke up now.
"Alright, alright, Jackie, I will get you some food." Yes, he had named his tummy Jackie. He was so affectionate to it- SHE that it deserved a name in his eyes. Sweet little lullabelly...
"A sandwich will do me good." He jumped off his bed to set his plan into action. As good as he could manage walking with his plump stomach, he drowsily ascended the stairs.
On account of being drowsy as he was, he failed to acknowledge a light in the kitchen until he got close enough. When he saw that someone stood there, he got shocked, her cooking in full view, which included her starting up a pot with boiling water. He yelled loudly, startling the thief since she hadn't noticed him until now.
"What are you doing?!" Brittany made a cross turn to face Louie, beginning to sweat. Dang it, she was busted!
"Uhhh...uhmm...I...uh..." She stammered, wanting to melt away, go to bed and pretend this never happened.
Louie bolted over to where she stood and took the carrots from her hold. He furiously took a potato peeler out of a drawer and with quick wit, he peeled the carrots.
"You're NOT supposed to mince the carrots and THEN put it in the pot, you stinking amateur! You're supposed to peel them", he peeled the carrots on record time, Brittany looking on with mixed awe and humiliation, "THEN mince them, then put it in the pot! Also, by the juice in bowl, I assume you were going to dip them in it?!" Brittany nodded slowly, puzzled at his uncommon reaction. Each insult delivered to her sent her angry bit by bit.
"Well, you don't! They don't go well together! It would be much smarter to take ladybug eye juice instead, and some Kakanuo spice would go great with that." Louie critisized, knowing it was crucial what he said and his cooking senses kicking in. He refused to let bad cooking be made in HIS rocket (A/N: It was Olimar's), and he would do anything in his power to prevent such a thing to ever happen!
"What makes you think you know better than me in cooking?!" The girl finally blurted out, hands on her hips in an offended manner.
"Well, first off, tootsie pop, is that you're holding the ladle upside down!" He pointed to said tool, in which she looked at and then blushed in embarrassment.
"Oh, come ON! It was dark in here! I couldn't see a thing!" She blurted out, heavily offended that he accused HER of ill cooking! How dared he! Stupid Hocotatians and their stupid manners!
"What's all the commotion?" Olimar came down and rubbed his eyes. He wore a cute pink-beige pajamas with pikmin patterns on it, a pajamas Louie would often make fun of, but as he was too grossed up right now in Brittany's ill cooking which was a bigger issue to him, he didn't care.
"This girl can't cook! She just came in here while we were sleeping and SHE CAN'T FREAKING COOK!" Louie screamed. "She even had the BALLS to mix the carrots with our juice provisions!" At this moment, he was so mad he couldn't even hold it in. Brittany was just as furious at him, but more tranquil.
Olimar shifted his eyes from the first to the other, fearing that Louie had gone insane, sending him a cynical look.
"Really?" He said, "You're not wondering why she's here in the first place?" The Koppaite had an 'Oh crap' look at this.
"...Uhh...Oh yeah, that too." Louie mused and then turned to face her. "What ARE you doing here, exactly?" His priority had took him over so instantly that the most common question hadn't popped up in his mind. Oh well, shmits happens. (To him).
Suddenly, Brittany got angry, entering tsundere-mode.
"Y'know what? I don't have to explain anything to you! You can't call my cooking bug excrements, you have no right!"
"Hey! I didn't call it bug excrements, that stuff tastes good!" Louie retorted.
"It doesn't matter! I'm gonna prove to you that I'm much better than you'll ever be! You'll see! How about a show off?!"
Olimar was facepalming at this whole ordeal.
"FINE! We will cook something on each front, (although I will be up front *cough*) bring it here, and Olimar and your inferior race companions will be judges!"
"DEAL!"
"DEAL!"
"DEAL!"
"DEAL!"
"Uhmmmm...you're supposed to say 'Fine' here?" Olimar pointed out.
"SHUT UP!" THEY BOTH YELLED IN UNISON! Wait, why am I screaming?
Once they finished the bickering (for a millisecond, mind you), Brittany shot towards him and punched him right in the kisser. With her rage played out physically, she stormed out.
Louie sat there on the floor on his behind. Then he clutched his hands into fists and shook them towards the sky, screaming skyward.
"TOOOOOTSIE POOOOOP!"
Title card for the fanfic read 'LOUIE VS. TOOTSIE POP'
"Louie," said Olimar, "Her name isn't Tootsie Pop. Her name is-"
"TOOTSIE POP. I KNOW. TELL ME SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW." The big eater said in a loud tone, okay, it was more idiotic than loud. Or both. You choose.
Olimar sighed, fearing that the world still went on despite this brain's existence.
"I want biscuits! Buy me biscuits! Bake me biscuits! Kill me biscuits!" Louie chanted, laying down on the floor and flailing his limbs dumbly.
"Make them yourself, fatass!" Olimar screamed and walked away, to get further from this idiot, to his bed, to dream land.
Oh, he was already drooling for wanting to marry his bed. Louie sat up and looked over to his partner expressionless,
"Hey, Olimar?"
"WHAAAAAT?" Ollie yawned, stroking a hand down his face.
Louie grinned. "Nice pajamas, does it come from Retardia?"
Olimar's response? A growl and a slam from his bedroom door. The best response to tauntings like that, which youtuber commenters should be doing as well (but they will never).
The next day
Louie was sitting by the TV in his XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL boxers while eating buttered popcorn 6:00 AM sharp. What was he doing, you ask? He was preparing for his competition, of course (slow heads)! He scrolled through the TV channels for a decent cooking show that he could digest (almost none, that actually had GOOD food) but then he found one. It was Master Chef Hocotate and it had just begun.
He sat on the edge of the couch to get a better look, a growing, childish curiosity upon him.
"And welcome to Master Chef Hocotate, where everything cookin' is cookin'! *Crickets chirp* You're so stunned by my humor you don't bother to laugh. Anyway, I'm your dearest host Crystal Clearing, it's semi-final and you know what that means; the first round! The first round will be; desserts! Welcome our contestants! Lindsay!"
The audience cheered and whistled when a girl walked up; she had black hair in a ponytail with green round glasses looking like an owl and she seemed uncomfortable being there.
"So, Lindsay, what you gonna cook for the first round?"
"Uhmm...uhhhh...uuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh..."
"Lindsay?"
"Umm...What was the question again?"
"What you gonna cook?" Crystal fake smiled too blatantly.
"Uhhhmmmmmmmm..." She fidgeted her fingers.
"Okay, this is getting us nowhere. Horace!" Crystal yelled to someone off stage.
"Right, here, sir- ma'am. Sir ma'am!" Someone resembling a butler said on duty.
"Translator device. Now. On my wrist. Now. Are you deaf. Put. It. On. My. Wrist." Crystal said sternly, giving him a look of stone.
"Right away, witch -ma'am!" Horace followed the host's order and put some sort of technological mumbo-jumbo arm wrist. Once finished, Crystal kicked him away, telling herself silently he would get demotion later for no other reason than being a jerkass. Or that Horace was just ugly.
"What you gonna cook, Lindsay?" The host asked again, grin extended (and more fake than ever).
"Uuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...Uh..."
"Uhmm, uhmm? Uhmm?"
"Uhmm."
"Alright." The host understood now, "She said she's going to cook Créme Brûlée with strawberries and whipped lemon cream on the side."
"Booooo, who invited that chick!" Louie made the thumbs down and threw popcorn at the TV screen.
"No, she didn't! She said she was gonna cook Créme Caramel with raspberries and lime cream on the side! Jeez!" Said a random guy in the audience.
"Ok, and what makes you think that?" Crystal smiled strenously.
"Uhmm-nese! You don't speak Uhmm-nese, do you?!"
"Uhmm...no."
"Ha! You don't speak Uhmm-nese?! Freak! Loser!" The guy mooned her tauntingly.
...cut to an ambulance and siren sounds. Crystal stared into the camera blankly.
"...You didn't see that. Anywho, let's welcome our second contestant who calls himself the War Conduct Peddler; Jeremy!" The audience cheered again (their cue in the show script). A guy in his late 50's came out. He was pretty tall, 2 feet in the rough, seeming of Scottish ancestry with his ginger mustache and ginger bald head. Why his name was Jeremy? ...I don't know. Ask the auth- oh, shit.
"So, Jeremy, whatcha gonna cook for us tonight?" Crystal leaned down to his height, which he wasn't put out by. Useless info: It pissed Crystal off for some reason. Sadistic host tendencies, maybe?
"Ah, 'at line reminds me ay mah auld flam Natalie. Sic' an attractife force tae be reckoned wi'." Jeremy said dreamily.
"Huh?" For once, the host was candid with her puzzlement. He gave her a hard look, annoyed at having to explain such deep soul feelings to a "youngster".
"She said th' exact sam 'hin efter makin' loove." He explained further, which only lead to more irresolution upon the female Hocotatian. Neglecting the shorter man, she spoke to the producer standing behind the camera with the cameraman.
"Ok, why do everyone speak like retards around here? Seriously, as soon as I get the paycheck, I'm freaking out of here!"
"Just try!" The producer scream-whispered.
"Fine." Crystal rubbed her forehead, forworn. "What are you going to cook?"
"Eh?"
"What are you going to cook?"
"Eh?" He picked up a hearing device.
"What. Are. You. Going. To. Cook?"
"A lemme' tell ya, lass. Ah hud mah first cookin' experience as a bairn. Mah will increased ance the' gran Macau Kujaza War in 342012 was ower..."
"Veryniceverynice! Now, tell me what you are going to cook!"
"Yeh huvnae heard mah life story yit."
"I will let Horace listen to it later." Far away, Horace was sticking needles on a doll resembling her appearance. "Tell me what you are going to cook? I'm sick of saying the word, and if I do it again I will explode, so please just tell us?"
"Jobby, hen! Ah will be makin' sandwiches!" Jeremy finally said.
"What kind?"
"Ye ken, th' usual. Some ham, some turkey, some tomatae, some turkey, some cheese, some turkey, some long-spin lamb intestines oan th' side, some turkey."
Crystal was puking in a bag some guy on the camera staff gave her, and once finished, she was not happy at all. "Turkey? You serious? GROSS!"
"Gie in th' scullery an' make me a piece."
"What?" Crystal stared at him.
"Feminist activist! Ye disgoost me! Aam it ay haur." Jeremy walked out of the studio without another word. He knocked down a guy in the crowd and stole his money on his way out so he could get the bus home.
The crickets enjoyed this very much, because they sounded louder than anything else in the room!
Louie lay on his stomach on the couch writing a fan letter to Jeremy. He would find out the address later; just like he did with every other letter after he sent them!
"Okay...now for out last contestant!" Crystal disregarded the angry Scotsman and moved on. "Give it in for the college student with the classic cliché school life name; Brad!"
Fewer people cheered since they have lost motivation since seeing the show gradually flopping.
"So, Brad what are you gonna...I can't say the word since I'm gonna explode so...what dessert dish you gonna...clook? Hmm?"
"Well, my dear Ms. Clearing, I'll be making some honeydew ice-cream along with Scrapple, a combination of pork scraps, cornmeal and wheat flour, and then some Angel Cake to even out the sweetness!"
"Wow, you stun me. You answered in less than a 10 second ratio and it took ten times more for those other losers to answer."
"Well, what can I say? I'm a real motor mouth!...and enchanting!" He stroked his cowlick hair earning a squeal from the female audience. The elder female audience.
Crystal decided she liked this person so she attempted to light up the mood a little (her previous pent-up wrath begone).
"Then I guess you have worked down in the soup kitchen too, huh?" She joked, but it got Brad staring into nothingness in shock. Flashbacks returned to him...
Flahback 1: "We are threatened by the Soup Kitchen Chefs for eating a spoon to much!" his father yelled in panic.
Flashback 2: "I'm sorry but...your little sister couldn't make it. She is dead. Killed by those damn commie- chefs! Soup kitchen chefs. I'm sorry." Said a doctor to Brad, cue her family sobbing in sorrow, except Brad who fainted.
Flashback 3: A cupcake hand grenade exploding his house, blowing up his family in the process as he was out buying groceries. When coming back, he saw the whole scene, and outside, he saw soup kicthen soldiers holding a flag of a chef in a soup bowl...
Flashback 4: Brad sponging about in the streets. A soup kitchen chef walking buy and beating him up.
Soup kitchen chefs...
Soup kitchen chefs...
FREAKING SOUP KITCHEN CHEFS!
Brad suddenly got an axe from nowhere and proceeded to chase Crystal around, who screamed like a piglet. "Death to SKC! PAY THE DEBT OF NATURE!" He terrorized the studio and all of the people in the audience rAN for their lives, but few managed to escape . Brad charged at Crystal, pinning her down and about ready to strike, holding a choking grip on her throat. Crystal grabbed a nearby chair prop with all her adrenaline and hit him over the head with it, falling out cold the result. Breathing deeply and holding her chest, she calmed down.
The cameramen left their positions to put a straitjacket on the now unconscious Brad.
"..." Crystal sat down in grievous trance as she sat down. "...I guess we only have Lindsay, left then. Declare her winner!" She pronounced.
"Uh Ms. Clearing, Lindsay was scared to death. She's dead." The director said.
"...I guess there wont be a winner this year then. Good morning viewers, you just wasted 30 useless minutes of your life!" Crystal smiled broadely. The theme music played and shifted into commercials. The last message text on the screen before the commercials read: "THIS IS ALL HORACE'S FAULT."
Aww, man! This is the third year in a row this happened!" Louie whined, sad that he didn't get anything useful out of the show. "Bah, who needs the- oh, shit!" He checked his watch and it was 6:30...his eyes grew to an amazing size...no, how could he forget...? He had to get out of here, now!
Louie dashed for the entrance door of the rocket, wanting to get out for fearing for his life. But since he was a fat, plump fatness fatass he only reached 2 feet until...dun-dun-duun...he saw a cookie on the floor right in front of the door.
"Oh, joy!" Louie yelled in delight and licked his lips. He bent down to pick up the cookie (nearly splitting the seams of his boxers...I know, terrifying, right?), but then something sudden happened...it...it...ran away! Infuriated, Louie chased after the creamy, delicious-looking, sugary, tasty...ok he wasn't really helping himself. His drool formed a water stream and flooded the rocket.
Louie heard Olimar scream, and he got curious. He stopped drooling and saw Ollie hiding behind a door, soaked wet in drool on the floor, trying to catch his breath. Olimar was holding a string. He followed the string's lead, and then the jigsaws fell in place...Olimar was trying to lurk him into the gym room with a booby- erm, cookie trap. Louie got preachy up his own ass at this.
"Aha! You tried to trick me! But I wont fall for it! You'll never make me do your gym training from hell! You will never take me alive! You will never downgrade my face value by compelling me into a submissive position directing into abyss! We gotta learn to respect the way we are, accept people's choices in life and if you're not happy with it, then go shit yourself, because you're worth more than all the platinum in the wo-"
"I will give you a new ladybug recipe after you lose 20 pounds." Olimar convinced, draping himself with a towel.
"Deal."
In the Koppaite's Ship
Alph woke up in a groggy state, stretching in bed and yawning deeply. He put on his clothes (a dark blue sweater and some jeans), made his bed and made his way down to the small kitchen in their fairly small rocket. "Ugghhh..." He was so tired he felt like he could fall asleep again any minute.
He walked upon Charlie just as tired, sitting with a cup of coffee in his hand by the table.
"Uggh..." Alph said.
"Ughh..." Charlie responded.
Uggh.
Alph joined his role model and poured some of his own coffee in a new cup. Just as he sat down Brittany barged into the room, the most alert worker of the three.
"Guys! Stop moping around like zombies and help me here! I got a real problem!" Funny thing was, Brittany was tired, but her determined personality refrained her from listening to her physical commands.
"For the love of PNF-404, Brittany." Alph gave her a stern look with his baggy eyes, "Did you pick a fight with someone again?"
"Uhhhh...no?"
"Was it a non-Koppaite?"
"..."
"Was it a Hocotatian?"
"..."
"Was it that Louie fellow?"
"..."
"It was, wasn't it?"
"ALRIGHT, SHUT UP! FINE, IT WAS HIM, JUST SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU! I NEED YOUR HELP NOW!"
"Ho-"
"SHUT UP!"
"...how do you expect us to help you, then?" Alph asked, glaring at her tiredly, not wanting to deal with this, but he knew all to well about her tendencies to throw them out the window when she wasn't in the mood. Yes, while in space. You read it. She's a murderer.
"...YOU WILL BE MY COOKING JUDGES, SHUT UP!"
"...judges?" Charlie asked, "Are you having a cooking duel or something?"
"INDEED, SHUT UP!" She barked, "AND THE OTHER HOCOTATIAN TOO, SHUT UP!"
"Oh, you mean Captain Olimar?! That super awesome guy!? Okay, I'm totally in!" Alph squealed, stars glimmering in his eyes. For some reason, Charlie felt a little put down by Alph's reaction. "Hmm..." He was so much in thought that when he reached the cup up to his mouth, he swallowed the cup whole. The others didn't notice, and he didn't choke because logic.
"SO LET'S GET OUT AND FIND SOME INGREDIENTS AND SHOW THAT GUY WHAT WE'RE MADE OF, SHUT UP!" Brittany continued.
"Why?" Charlie grinned slyly, "Can't we just squeeze out some hotness from your aggressive temper and use some of that?"
"...SHUT UP!" Brittany went up to him, took Alph's coffee and dumped it on his head, breaking the porcelain and Charlie's spirit in the process.
"...This is the only time I support you saying that." Alph said to Brittany with no emotion.
Then the phone ringed. Brittany and Charlie went to prepare their MAGICAL JOURNEY and procceeded to pack for their MAGICAL JOURNEY that consisted of MAGICALLY MAGIC. Ok I will be quiet.
Alph picked up the phone, wondering who was calling at this hour.
"Hello?"
"Hi, it's me Olimar from Hocotate. Listen-"
"OMG! THE REAL OLIMAR?! THE REAL REAL REAL Olimar?! ZOMGOMGOMG! Can you sign your autograph on my thorax later?!"
"...Sure. But anyway, this is important. Or, eh, not really."
"What can I do? I can cross the world if you want?"
"Thanks but no thanks."
"'kay..." Alph sighed.
"I take it Brittany told you, or did she not?"
"Oh, the whole cooking duel thing? Sure...a twisted side of it." Alph shivered at her previous behaviour. It hadn't been that scary but it was no when he thought about it deeper.
"Yeah...anyway, I have a plan to make this ordeal shorter than needed so we can CONTINUE BUILDING COLONIES AND TAKE OVER THE WORLD AS DICTATORS...! Sorry, got a little carried away there. Long story short...-"
"Ollie, what are you doing on the phone? Oh is there someone on the other line?! HELP ME! HELP! THIS GUY IS A MANIAC, HE'S A TORTURER, HELP CALL THE POL-"
"Shut up, Louie! How did you survive the electrocution system when stopping the training machine anyhow?!"
"...my secret."
"Gah, you yutz! Just get back in there! Put on the iPod and start bicycling or I'll beat you til you drop!" Olimar screamed and to Alph's horror, he heard a a chair crush against something soft.
"OH LORD, PLEASE, I BEG FOR MERCY! SEE, I'M PUTTING ON MY IPOD! 'I WONT BE WAITING FOR THIS LALALALALALALALA LOVE!'"
Olimar went back to talking to the now traumatized Alph.
"Sorry 'bout that. Anyway, I sent some people to this planet to come fix this mumbo jumbo, and I wanted you to bring Brittany and Charlie for the event, so yeah..." The silence was a little too long.
"Alph...was your name right?"
"Uh-huh, yes!" He tried to sound like a fanboy but he was a little shocked as well. It was a weird combo.
"You heard what I said right?"
"Uh-huh!"
What Alph had heard
Olimar: "I want you to be my personal sidekick, but I will be needing to use your heart as fuel in emergencies. Also, you'll have promotion and the highest status below mine, but only if you let me use the guillotine on you and sew back your head after my anger tantrums are over. Ok, I'm proud of ya, son. Anymore questions? No? Alright. Now, keep on counting the kidneys."
Back to the conversation
Olimar repeated the whole story and this time he heard it, and hung up after exchanging see-ya's. He called for Brittany and Charlie who were just about done with packing for the exploration day and went outside with him at the meeting area. There Olimar was outside doing something with a magnifying glass, and they could have sworn he had one aimed at a pikmin before he put it away quickly upon noticing their presence. Louie was there too; he was just so worn out and incredibly fatigued that he was not worth noting.
They went up and greeted them. They began to greet their pikmin too which they shouldn't have since it consumed too much time, but they continued not wanting to embarrass themselves.
"Hi there, Becky!"
"Jerry!"
"Mortimer?"
"Jason, new haircut?"
"Ok, you don't have to greet them all, just stop it." Olimar said firmly and the Koppaites stopped. Just at that moment, an icy-blue spaceship landed with perfect accuracy, right next to the Hocotatian's ship (nearly crushing it). The Koppaites exchanged looks of disbelief and amazement as they saw the huge thing made of iron or whatever land before them. Louie was curious too, Olimar hadn't told him who they were.
The rocket door opened and smoked appear out of it in the traditional spacy way and out stepped a female Hocotatian, who had a smaller type of afro with bangs past her ears and ice-blue color, golden earrings, and a light blue spacesuit with a little skirt (like Brittany's), she was relatively pretty, and all males fell in love with her...no you dumbasses, of course they didn't. This is not one of those shitty Cannon/OC fanfics, like I said. Jeez, I'm not that hormonal.
Behind her were three other Hocotatians, and Brittany was breathing through a bag in panic, being a racist and all.
"HOLY CRAP, IT'S THEM!" Louie shouted, his hand on his muzzle in shock. He went up and poked and prodded on their suits. "What does this button do, what does this thing do?" He was knocked away by the leader, earning his umpteenth bruise of the day.
"You ruined our introduction scene, you fool!" She yelled at him. When she noticed everyone's stares, she cleared her throat and reached a hand out to Olimar, who smiled.
"You were calling, captain Olimar. I'm Crystal Clearing."
A/N: El gasp! Cliffhanger! Well, not much, but a bit!
EDIT: I changed the whip part to make it say 'chair' instead, because I don't want the readers to think I had any dirty implications in the joke.
Louie is singing 'La La Love' by Ivi Adamou. For you oblivious Americans and Canadians out there, she participated for Cyprus with that song in Eurovision Song Contest 2012. (My country gave her 12 points...)
For those who didn't get why Charlie is flirting with Brittany, he does that in the European translation of the game, instead of boasting as he does in the American translation.
If you didn't understand Jeremy's heavy accent, search up a Scottish translator on the web. It exists :)
Please, give me reviews and tell me what you think? I really want to know, because I thought it turned out good. Is it just me? If it's just me, then I need to get a life, seriously...hee :D No, I don't, on second thought.