Shepard woke up breathing heavily. Another nightmare... about the boy that got killed on Earth again. A boy he could have saved. The nightmares had only intensified since then. They weren't only about earth, but also about Akuze, Palaven, the Collector base and the destruction of the old Normandy. The war had taken a heavy toll on him and he knew it would only become worse. But he had no choice. He needed to continue fighting, or everything he cared about would be destroyed.
He walked to the small bathroom in his cabin and started washing his face with cold water to wake himself up. The scars his fingers rubbed across reminded him of all he'd been through: being reconstructed by Cerberus, the daily firefights, sparring with Garrus … He smiled at the last thought but it didn't make him feel any better.
Shepard went to sit at his desk and started to write his report about the events on the Citadel. He was given some extra time to make it because of the Quarian's urgent message. They needed to talk to him immediately and because of that, the Normandy left Citadel space as soon as possible. It pained him to relive the memories of what happened that day. Garrus almost shot Ashley and Shepard needed to kill Udina. While Udina was never his best friend, Shepard couldn't help but feel sorry for him. The war made him reach his breaking point and Cerberus seemed to offer a solution, Shepard thought. And it won't be long before I reach mine if things keep going this way. He started staring at a picture of Tali, which stood next to his terminal. It was a simple picture, just showing her masked face and shoulders. It reminded him of who he was fighting for. If only you were here. You'd know how to make me feel better.
He continued writing his report. Almost everything that could've gone wrong did go wrong that day, and Thane was the one who faced the consequences. Thane I…I'm sorry, I failed you, he thought. I couldn't stop Kai Leng in time and you died because of that. He will pay, I promise. By the time he finished writing his report, he had gotten another small headache.
Shepard decided to lay down on his bed and watch the stars through the window. It always made him feel calm, looking at the vast universe which seemed incredibly peaceful despite all of its dangers. The first time he did that was when they were still fighting the Collectors. After the trap at the disabled Collector ship and seeing how many humans were harvested, he needed some peace of mind. He walked up to the observation deck were Samara was always meditating and asked her if he could join her. After silently watching the stars with her for what must been an hour, he felt at peace. But that didn't last long, because he needed to defend Tali at her trial afterwards. He remembered that day very well. The day before we finally told each other how we felt, he thought. But it was also a day with much sorrow. The day she was accused of treason. And the day she lost her father.
Tali. When thinking of her name, he spontaneously turned his head to their picture on his night stand. It was made on the Normandy right after taking down the Collectors. Tali stood behind him, laying her masked head on his shoulder and hugging him. Tali practically jumped on him from behind when it was clear everyone had survived the suicide mission. Kasumi saw it and instantly took a picture to remember the moment. He was still wearing his combat armor and helmet, but he liked it. It reminded him of happier times, times when he was still together with the woman he loved. He had been separated from her since the Alliance threw him into prison for working with Cerberus. The thought possessed him whenever he was back on the Normandy. It always made him stare at that picture. I'll find you Tali, he kept thinking. The Normandy wasn't the same without her, but the thought of them being back together was the only thing that seemed to keep him from breaking.
Suddenly, the bleeping of his omni-tool snapped him out of his thoughts. "ETA: 1 hour," it read. He sighed while jumping off his bed. I better get ready.
He walked to the war room on the Normandy for the meeting with the admirals, thinking about what they would need his help with. It was uncommon for the Quarians to ask for outside help and Shepard didn't expect them to come begging to him after their previous meeting. He humiliated them before the crew of the Rayya when they wanted to abuse Tali for their own political games. Only Tali's aunt, Admiral Raan, seemed to care; but she needed to refrain herself from voting. Although the pacifist Zaal'Korris seemed reasonable afterwards, Han'Gerrel and Daro'Xen were clearly furious and would take any chance for revenge. Xen wasn't even ashamed of the abuse. She just called Tali's trial "a farce born of fear". This is going to be a hard diplomatic talk, he thought as he took a seat to wait for the admiralty board.
His thoughts drifted back to Tali. Perhaps I could ask the admirals how she's doing: they shouldn't be suspicious if I'd like to know if my old crew is alright. Admiral Raan seemed to like me, perhaps I could ask her. She and Tali are also practically family, so asking her doesn't seem like a bad idea.
A few minutes later, he stood up upon hearing the door open. The four admirals walked into the dark war room. It seems that they haven't replaced Rael'Zorah yet, he noted.
"Commander Shepard. A pleasure to see you again, though I wish it were under better circumstances," Raan said.
Shepard couldn't help but look at them with suspicion, although he liked Raan. He wanted to get his question out of the way as soon as possible. "I'd hoped for your support in the fight against the Reapers. What's going on?"
Gerrel decided to answer: "Fourteen days ago with precision strikes on four Geth systems, the Quarians initiated the war to retake our homeworld." Damn, another war. That's exactly what we need right now. I told them not to do this after the trial.
"Which was a clear violation of our agreement with the council to avoid provoking the Geth!" Korris said. At least he didn't change.
"A treaty violation is nothing compared to recovering our homeworld and advanced AI technology," Xen shouted. Machiavellian, as always.
"Your homeworld, you mean Rannoch?" Shepard asked.
"Correct Commander." Raan answered, "Tree hundred years ago, we lost our world to our own AI creations, the Geth."
"After we tried to kill them," Korris added.
"We didn't try to kill them, Korris." Xen interjected, "we tried to deactivate them. It wasn't murder." She'd kill her own child for progress and not call it murder, Shepard thought. Before he could reply, Korris started voicing his dislike of Xen's methods.
"You even used the entire civilian fleet, including the liveships in the invasion! It's not only another violation, if the invasion fails we won't have any chance of survival!" Korris said. Shepard couldn't blame him. He's right: if those ships are lost and they can't capture Rannoch, they'll all die.
Xen clearly had enough of it and Shepard wasn't prepared for the little argument she and Korris started. "Which is why cowards like you need to step aside! The war would be much easier if you could stop counteracting me!"
"And let lunatics like you control the fleet? Over my dead body!"
Raan tried to calm them down while Gerrel sighed and leaned on the holoscreen as this probably wasn't the first argument they had. How do they even manage to control the fleet like this?
Tali stood in the small conference room, which was located before the entrance to the war room. She was staring at the stars through the window. The other admirals had asked her to stay outside until further notice. Probably so I can't try to convince Shepard to seek a peaceful solution, she thought. Gerrel and Xen had continuously opposed her since she was made an admiral, because she believed in peace with the Geth rather than destroying them. Legion convinced her that the real Geth fraction – not the heretics – wanted peace as well, but convincing the other Quarians proved a lot harder than she suspected. Korris was happy to hear the possibility of peace, but Xen and Gerrel thought it was a trick of the Geth. Raan seemed quite doubtful about the whole situation and was more concerned about whether a war was even possible without destroying the Quarian race. When Xen came up with the jamming device, Raan took her side and the resulting vote started the war to retake Rannoch. A war that was going in the wrong direction.
The last few months had been hard on her. She had to deal with the extra stress and responsibilities that come from being an admiral and after the loss of her father, Auntie Raan was the only family she had left in the flotilla. Most of her friends were on the Normandy, and her Shepard was thrown into prison because of some political games. They should've been listening to you, not prosecuting you, she thought. You saved the human race for a second time and again no-one is listening. And even now when the Reapers are attacking our planets, everyone is blaming each other for not believing you. The admirals aren't any different than the rest of the politicians: first they are angry at you for defending me at my trial, but now they're requesting your help in a war you asked them not to start. Idiots. Perhaps you can make them see reason.
She started to walk around the small room while playing with her hands. The talk was going on for longer than she expected it to be. Why do I need to wait so long? She thought. I've missed you so much. It's unfair I need to wait even longer. I spent so many nights thinking about you and about how you'd handle all this if you were me… I still love you as much as I did before, would you… Suddenly her omni-tool light up with a message from Admiral Raan: "You may enter, Tali."
When they finally calmed down, Gerrel explained why they needed him. The Quarians were winning the war until a Reaper command signal started transmitting, which made all the Geth stronger. The Quarian fleet was now pinned around Rannoch and losing the fight.
Xen had turned on the holoscreen, showing both fleets around Rannoch. The Geth ships were pulsing to indicate they were receiving the signal.
"Where's the signal coming from?" Shepard asked.
"Here," Gerrel said while zooming in on a massive ship, "a Geth dreadnaught. It can outgun anything we've got and it's heavily defended."
Shepard had a plan. "The Normandy's stealth drive can get us in undetected. I could get a team aboard and disable the command signal."
"Yes, cutting off the signal should throw the Geth into complete disarray," Xen said.
"And while they're confused, you get to a mass relay and retreat."
"Good," Korris said while being clearly relieved, "our civilian ships have seen too much fighting already. Are you certain you can disable the signal?"
"We'll get you out of there safely, Admiral." Shepard answered.
Raan suddenly turned herself towards the door. "Our newest admiral has also volunteered to offer technical expertise."
The door opened with its usual hiss and revealed a very familiar Quarian.
"Can't be," Shepard whispered to himself when seeing who was entering. Those hips, the pattern on her suit, that special way of walking… but an admiral?
Her posture loosened a bit when saying his name. "Shepard."
"Tali." It's really her. "Admirals, I'll ready a team to hit that dreadnaught," he said to end the meeting. The admirals nodded and returned to their ship, except for Raan who decided to stay aboard the Normandy to help coordinating the operation. Shepard and Tali left, walking towards the CIC.
They stopped at the small conference room before the security checkpoint. Shepard had a hard time resisting the urge to hug Tali after being separated more than half a year. It's probably a good idea to hide our relationship from the admirals, he thought. And maybe… she lost interest in me. It's been a long time. Shepard decided to break the silence before his thoughts started consuming him. "Admiral?"
"It's mostly a formality," Tali answered, "I'm an expert on the Geth." She started looking out the window while Shepard leaned against the wall.
"That you are," he said.
She let out a small laugh. "I'm glad you're here."
"Why didn't you tell me sooner? I would have helped."
She sighed. "Thanks but… I knew you had your own problems, I'm sorry about Earth." She paused and looked down at the thought of how many people were lost there. Shepard couldn't help but do the same. They were painful memories. "We've got the largest fleet in the galaxy. If you can help us, we'll hit the Reapers with everything we've got. Or however much will be left of it after this stupid war."
He raised an eyebrow after hearing that. "I thought you would support the invasion."
"No, after speaking to Legion I thought, maybe there's a chance for peace." Shepard understood her. That single unit did change my entire view of the Geth.
"So why help them?" Shepard asked.
"I'm an admiral," she replied. "People look to me for guidance. Public disagreement would divide the fleet." She seemed incredibly sad because of the burden she needed to carry with her new position.
"And what about us? Would us being together divide the fleet?" he decided to ask.
She started playing with her hands like she always does when stressed. "No! Well… possibly. I don't know… But right now, I've got civilian ships taking fire. Can we keep this quiet? At least in front of the admirals?"
"Sure thing, Miss vas Normandy," he answered in a happier tone.
"Thank you, if you want to talk in private, maybe you could invite me up to your cabin?" she said with a more playful accent, which made Shepard smile. Seems like she missed me too.
"Maybe I could."
Tali nodded and walked towards the CIC. She turned around before she reached the door. "And for the record… still totally worth it," she said before leaving.
Shepard smiled. Let's see when I have time for that talk, he thought.
Tali sat in the armory, checking her equipment for the infiltration of the dreadnought. She was anxious: infiltrating a massive Geth ship isn't exactly a day-to-day mission, and the fate of the Flotilla was in their hands. We'll be fine, she kept thinking, we've been through worse. Her omni-tool notified her of an incoming call from Shepard. She opened the channel. "Tali, I'm free if you'd like to come up," he said.
"I'll just be a moment," she answered with a cheerful voice before closing down the channel. She quickly stowed her gear and ran towards the elevator. We'll finally have some private time, she thought.
A couple of minutes later, she entered Shepard's cabin. Although she had been looking forward to this meeting for months, she felt incredibly stressed. Not only because of the war, but also because of how this talk would turn out. I want him at my side, she thought, but does he still feel the same? "Thanks for inviting me up, I couldn't talk freely in front of Raan."
"You okay?" Shepard asked with his concern clearly on his face. He probably noticed how bad she felt.
"No. No, I'm really not," she answered while moving her hand to her face. "Seventeen million lives are riding on me… and I don't know if I can save them."
Shepard moved closer to her and put a hand on her arm to comfort her. "Hey, you're not alone."
"This was supposed to be my father's fight, but he left me with all of this," she said while walking towards the fish tank. She had her head bent down. "If they die because of me… if… if I don't…"
"We'll get them out of there safely Tali. We'll even get the Quarians the home they deserve." Shepard said.
She sighed. "I couldn't do this without you Shepard, I feel like I'm bluffing. Trying to convince them that the admiral's daughter knows what she's doing." Why did I even accept this position?
"Not the admiral's daughter. The admiral."
"I know, but you know how the last times went when I needed to lead people… I lost half my team on Freedom's Progress, followed by losing everyone except Kal'Reegar on Haestrom. He and I would have died if you didn't come to save us, by the way."
She felt Shepard putting a hand on her shoulder. She could tell it hurt him seeing her like this. "Tali, don't be so hard on yourself," he said. "You're a fine leader. Freedom's Progress went wrong because some stubborn fools in your team didn't follow your orders, and you couldn't have planned the Geth attack on Haestrom. When I look at you, I see the best the Quarian people has to offer. You would have made your father proud, Tali. And you've made me a proud captain."
After hearing him, she turned around and instantly grabbed him in a tight hug. She started sobbing while saying "Thank you," with a soft and silent voice.
"It's okay Tali, everything will be alright."
"Thank you," she said again when she started crying. Shepard couldn't help but cry as well, not letting go of their hug.
They both calmed down after a few minutes, not moving from their position in the blue glow of the fish tanks. They still had tears in their eyes, but they'd stopped crying.
"I've missed you, John," Tali said.
"I've missed you too, Tali," he replied. "Those months without you have been the hardest of my life. I'm glad you're with me. I…I don't know how I can go through this without you."
She noticed her picture on his desk and another one of both of them together on his nightstand. She wore her suit on both of them. Keelah, she thought. Perhaps I need to give him something he can remember me from without needing to look at this damn suit all the time. But when looking at them, she also realized how much he loved her. Even without seeing her face once, he told her he loved her. When she tried to point him to someone else, he said he didn't want to. And even when they were separated for months, he stared at pictures of her to think of happier times. This is the man I love, and nothing is going to take him away from me. Not even an army of Reapers.
He took both her hands and stared into the bright points in her purple visor he knew were her beautiful eyes. "I promise I'll never leave you again Tali. I love you."
"I love you too John." They were both relieved that they heard those words again.
They sat down on his couch in embrace, happy they were finally back together. For the first time in months, they both felt happiness and peace. No matter how this was going to end, they just felt like everything was going to be alright.
Shepard smiled with Tali in his arms on his lap. Although she had her mask on and they both had their eyes closed, he knew she was doing the same. For once in a long time, he felt he could take on the whole galaxy and there wouldn't be a Reaper left standing at the end of this war. With this girl at my side, the woman I love with all my heart, there's no one who can stop us, he thought. Her presence alone had transformed the ship. He was home again.
Note: The picture on Shepard's nightstand was based on "Tali x Shepard (54)" by spaceMAXmarine on DeviantART, it's also the cover pic of this story. The one on his desk was based on the picture Shepard gets in ME2 if he/she romanced Ashley, Kaidan, or Liara in the first Mass Effect.
Secondly, I'd like to thank Machinist's Guardian Archangel for all the help and advice he gave me when writing this. This story wouldn't be what it became without his help and I'm very thankful for that. His great stories have also been a source of inspiration to me and I'd definitely recommend reading them if you haven't already.
Finally, I'd like to thank you for reading my first fanfic, I hope you've enjoyed it. Tips and reviews are always welcome, as is some inspiration for future stories.