Author's notes:

Written in Mike's POV.

Key:

N: Name

LN: Last name

NN: Nickname

HC: Hair colour

SK: Skin colour

EC: Eye colour

The story takes place in the third book, Eclipse, after Mike has given up on trying to get together with Bella. He and N have been best friends since he moved to Forks eight years ago. N has been living in Forks for all her life and she likes the rain and dark weather. She's a goth girl who isn't very popular, since her peers are afraid of her. She's the only one in the school who has debated the possibility that the Cullens are vampires, but no-one believes her speculations, so the Cullen family isn't too worried about her.

The rain is smashing against the windows while we sit in silence on N's bed. I asked to come over, since I was bored. As per usual, N agreed and I came over. I glanced outside, a little disappointed. I was right on time: The rain started pouring the second I came in. Still, the dark, wet, cold weather had a visible effect on my mood, even if I had eight years to get used to the weather. Even though I only went back to California to visit my family during the vacations, I always miss the sun and the heat. N noticed my melancholy. ''Is something wrong?'' She asks, clearly worried. I shake my head. ''The rain makes me kinda sad,'' I chuckle. ''The rain?,'' She repeats, seemingly confused, ''I actually find it kind of cozy.'' I debate this for a moment. We're quiet, and I listen to the soft pitter-patter on the roof and windows. She's right. It's kind of cozy. I smile.

''Are you going to ask Jessica to prom?'' She suddenly asks me. She's turned away from me: I need to try hard to see her face. Like she doesn't want to show me her expression. She does this a lot, for some reason, especially when it comes to Jessica. I always figured it was because Jessica seemed to hate her with a passion, not holding back any snide remark that she thought of. After a while, I told N she could sit with Jeanette instead of me. At least then she'd spend time with the people she liked. I chuckle. ''That's... going to be difficult. I broke up with her a few weeks ago. She'll need some time to cool down.'' There is a silence. ''Oh.'' It sounded hurt, sad. ''Well, you'll find someone else to ask, won't you? There are lots of girls who'd like to go to prom with you.'' She chuckles. I gulp. Something about the way she said it makes me feel guilty, as if I'm the one who hurt her. As if it's my fault she's sad. ''I'm... not sure about that,'' I mumble, ''Angela has Ben... and I don't really know other girls.'' The rain has slowed, only a small pitter-patter could be heard now. ''I mean, I could always ask Tyler,'' I joke to make the mood lighter, but it doesn't seem to be working. N chuckles and gets up. ''I'm sure you'll find someone.'' Then, she walks up to her CD cabinet. ''Mind if I put something on?'' She asks and I nod. Her finger moves over the different CD's, reading the title of every one of them, trying to figure out what she wants to put in her CD player. I wonder what she'll choose? I've never actually heard the music she listens to before. I've never actually paid attention to the books she reads before. She's never really told me anything about her before.

The guilt hits me like a truck. Why? Why have I never asked her what kind of music she likes? What kind of food she likes? What her favourite animal is? Why don't I know anything about her? Aren't I supposed to be her best friend? I look back on all the time we spent together, and to my shock, I discover I haven't really asked her anything about herself. Next, I realise that her sadness towards Jessica was a bit too much to just be the desire to fit in. If she really wanted to be Jessica's and Angela's friend, she would never have started wearing black clothes and make-up. It had to be something more, something she couldn't do anything about. What was it? What was bothering her? Whenever I told her about prom, or the spring dance, about going with Jessica, she seemed... sad. Every time. I just never noticed. I give myself a mental punishment for not noticing sooner, for not being there for her when she was there for me. For not noticing her feelings. Did she... love me? She's always very cuddly with me, but then again, we've known each other for quite some time. Still, she isn't nearly as cuddly with Jeanette. Is she just more comfortable around boys? That could hardly be right. She's so stiff and awkward when she's talking to Ben or Tyler, it's almost painful. She looks at me a lot. I never noticed. I never minded. Still, this possibility is actually more likely than I thought. Am I overthinking this? Surely, I am. There's no way she's in love with me, right? Still, the pieces fit together quite easily, too easily. Was it really that simple, and did I just not see it? Am I really that dense?

She looks back at me, a blush of embarrassment on her cheeks. Suddenly, it all makes sense to me. She's the one. She's always been the one, I just didn't know it yet. When she let me take Jessica to the spring dance and to prom, even though she knew damn well Jessica had feelings for me, she didn't protest. She only asked me if that was a good idea- I broke her heart, and she worried about my well-being. She's always listened to me, patiently soaking up my stories and remembered them, even if they were about Jessica. Even if they hurt her. How could I've been so blind? It's like in a moment of enlightenment, I suddenly see more clearly. Her room is black, pitchblack, her furniture the darkest colour of wood available. I've never really noticed the CD cabinet right next to her bed, not really, anyway. The CD's are arranged on colour, making a rainbow in the cabinet. On her desk not a few feet away are her books for school: Perfectly covered with black covering paper, neatly arranged on size. Her notebooks are inside the books, as I already knew, but never really noticed. I envisioned the messy, curly, almost unreadable handwriting inside, and it sent a wave of excitement through me. But, the main thing I noticed was the smell. It was a casual smell, not one of perfume or scented candles, but just the smell of skin, faintly mixed with shampoo and deodorant. I've always smelled that smell, but now it really occurs to me. Now it makes me want to come closer to her, touch her warm skin. I gulp and stop myself there. I know what this feeling is. I had it for Bella, heck, I've had it for multiple girls. Just... never this strong. I've had the desire to come closer to a girl, to touch her, to hold her, but it's never been this burning in my chest. This much of a must that it almost feels wrong not to do it. I want to do so many things to her, all at once, but I know I can't. I have to keep myself under control. ''I think you might like this.'' I want to object. Not because I think I won't like it, but because I want her to put on something she likes. I want to hear her favourite song. Still, my body doesn't move when she puts the disk in the black CD-player and soon enough, a harmony of electric guitar fills the room. She calmly sits down next to me. My mind shouts two different things at the same time: Too close, and come closer. If she keeps enchanting me like this, my muscles might move without my permission to touch her...

I clench my fists. No, I won't let that happen. I won't hurt her. ''Is- is something wrong?'' She asks, eyes on my balled fists, ''Don't you like the music?'' I shake my head. I hadn't even noticed the music until now. N is all I can think about. ''Nothing's... wrong,'' I manage, trying to sound genuine. N frowns. She doesn't believe me. I gulp. ''It's just that... I'm a little cold,'' I lie. Lying to her feels so aweful. I'm hurting her. There is a stabbing pain in my chest as N gets up and throws a blanket around me. ''Th- thank you.'' She just smiles and sits back down again. The blanket around me smells like her. Shit. I should've known: everything here smells like her. My face heats up as I pull the blanket tighter around myself. It's to make my lie look convincing, I tell myself, yeah, that's it. N seems suspicious of my reaction, but doesn't mention it. She's very mannered as well, I notice. She's perfect! ''What... do you think?'' She askes instead, ''...Of the music, I mean?'' I listen intently to the riff and the lyrics for a few seconds. Not that I need time to make my decision: I like everything she likes. I want to steal all her CD's and listen to them at home, learn the lyrics by heart, but that would mean that N wouldn't have her CD's for some time. That'd make her sad. ''I like it,'' I say enthousiastically. ''You're just saying that, aren't you?'' She askes, clearly embarrassed. The fact that she takes me for someone who isn't honest makes me cringe. Then again, I've been being a horrible friend to her all this time, and I just lied to her. I mentally punish myself again. I really have a lot to make up to her. ''No, I'm not. I really like it. Honestly.'' I sound sure of myself, and she seems convinced. ''Sorry, I just... can't see you listening to this.'' I chuckle. ''What can I say? I'm a music lover.'' And I know she is, too. That makes me smile. We have something in common.

I know what I feel might be a bit too much. I know it might be unhealthy, but I'm sure it'll pass. I'm sure, in a few months, it'll all be over, and I can sleep in peace again. When I'm awake, I think about N. When I'm sleeping, I dream about her. There seems to be a bright flame in my chest that burns brightly whenever I see her. It makes me feel warm inside. It makes me want to see her more. Then, when she leaves, when I can't see her or hear her or feel her, the flame seems to scorch me. I miss her so much to the point of hurting. The more I see her, the more dependent on her I become. I know I need to do something before this escalates, but I just can't keep myself away from her. It hurts too much. It's become so severe that functioning normally when she's not around is almost impossible. The people around me haven't noticed my behaviour yet, so I must be overestimating my struggles, right? As long as I don't do anything strange or stupid, I should be fine. Yeah. I'll be fine. I'll find a balance.

''Mike, are you all right?'' Jessica asks me during lunch. I'm staring at N, watching her every movement, as usual. Nothing to get upset about. I look at her questioningly. ''Yeah, of course. I'm fine.'' ''You've been acting strange lately. We're worried.'' I look around at the others around the table: Ben, Angela, Tyler, Bella, Alice and Edward. They all have dark looks on their faces. Angela seems like she'd rather be anywhere else than in this conversation. ''I've... been acting strange?'' I ask quietly. It's better they don't know about my feelings for N. They'd be freaked out. Besides, it'll wash over. I bet, in a few months time, I'll have forgotten her... ''Yeah, very strange,'' Ben says, his voice a mix of fear and disgust, ''You've been staring at something, not making conversation like you usually do.'' I gulp. They already know this much? I take a quick glance at Edward, who seems to be knowing something that I don't. I always have a feeling that he knows more than he lets on. It's like he can read thoughts or something. A smug half-smile appears on his face. ''Is... something bothering you?'' Angela asks kindly. She sounds genuinely worried. Though nothing is inheritly wrong, I do appreciate the concern. ''No... there's just a lot on my mind right now.'' ''If you ever need someone to talk to, you know who to call,'' She says while she glances around the table. I smile and nod. ''Thanks.'' Then, I look back at N. Every little movement she makes, every breath she takes, I observe it. She never gets boring. Never.

What... am I doing? I'm standing outside N's house, looking over the front side of it. She said she already had an appointment with Jeanette. She said I couldn't come over. Why am I here? What am I doing here? I look around. The street is empty. Quickly, I make my way over to the front window and look through it. No-one's home. Her parents are probably at work. I check under the doormat in front of the door. There's a spare key. This... feels so odd. Being here, without her with me. All alone. I walk through the living room, taking in the brown furniture. The only one in the family who loved black was N. I sigh. I shouldn't be here, but it feels so right. This is the way it's supposed to be. I'm supposed to live here, together with her. I calm down a bit. Yeah, this is right. Slowly, I walk up the spiralling stairs to her bedroom. I don't care about the other rooms. This is really the one that matters. I quietly open the door, though I don't know why. I can be as loud as I want. No-one will hear it, anyway. The smell is the first thing I notice this time. It's been a while since I've been in her room, and the smell has gotten better. As if I ate after having been hungry for days. It's so... exciting. So arousing. I take a sniff and walk further into the room. Is there something I haven't noticed yet? Something N could be hiding from me, something beautiful about her personality that I missed? I look around the room, and see a little black notebook on her desk. It doesn't say anything on the front page, like all her other notebooks have something on the front. Carefully, I pick it up and read through the pages one by one. There are poems, so many different poems in N's scratchy handwriting. I read them all, analyzing them, amazed by her talents. These feelings, are they really hers? Love is the main theme in most poems: Heartbreak, forbidden love, unspoken love, platonic love, romantic love... About not being able to love. I sigh again. She's in love with me, but she doesn't want to say it because I'm her best friend. Because she's afraid she'll lose our friendship. I turn the page to the next poem, but I'm stopped by the sound of a car parking in the driveway. Crud, they're here! I quickly put the notebook back where I found in and close the bedroom door.

A key turns in the lock. A low hum. It's her father. He must've noticed the lock was already opened. I hear him walking downstairs, slowly. Carefully. N's dad had always been a bit paranoid. Is he going to check the entire house? I'd have to find a way to get out of here, then. I look over at the window, my only way out. I quietly walk over there, careful not to make too much noise. Then, I slide it open, letting the cool air run over my face. It's almost twilight. For how long have I been in N's room? There's a drainage pipe right besides the window. It's risky, but it's my only chance. Come on, Mike, you can do this. I grab on to the pipe and carefully climb out the window. Behind the door, I hear N's dad approaching. It'd be logical for him to check his daughter's room first. When he pokes his head around the door, I'm latched onto the pipe, outside his eyesight. He calls N's name, but nothing happens. Then, he closes the door and walks to his bedroom. I sigh out of relief and let myself glide down the drainage pipe. When my feet safely touch the ground, I run all the way back home. I open the door with my key and I see my mother, fuming. ''Where the Hell have you been?!'' She asks me, almost yelling, ''I was so worried about you! What have I told you about coming back before dark?'' I apologise, out of breath. ''I lost track of time.'' It's not a complete lie. My mother tells me I'm grounded and commands me to eat dinner before I go upstairs. It's best to be compliant with mom if she's angry. Perhaps she'll let me go sooner if I'm a good boy.