The Misadventures of Tamaki Suoh

"Hikaru! Did you see this?"

He rolled over in the bed and put down the magazine he had been flipping through. "What Kaoru?"

"Here in the group chat." He brandished his cell phone. "Look at what Tamaki said."

Hikaru grabbed the phone and hurriedly scrolled through the feed. "What are you so upset about? So, he picked the theme for next week Host's Club – servants." He shrugged and tossed the phone back.

Kaoru crossed his arms. "You didn't even read it. Guess what our role is?"

"What?" Hikaru was getting bored with this conversation, sometimes his twin was soo childish.

"Slutty French maid."

"What? No? You are just adding the slutty in there because you are upset."

Kaoru shook his head. "Nope." He handed the phone back and pointed. "Look right here."

"Damn. That is a little harsh isn't it? What does he get to be?" He scrolled through the list. "What? Tamaki and Kyoya – butlers. Okay I see why you're mad now."

Kaoru looked like he might cry. "I don't want to dress in drag again and if it is a slutty French maid, you know how short those skirts are going to be! I'm going to have to shave my legs again!"

Hikaru bent down and ran his hand through his twin's hair. "I'd do it for you."

He smiled up at him. "Would you? That would make it better but still it's not fair!"

Hikaru sat back and folded his arms. "No, it's not is it?" He sat for a while staring off into the distance and then started to smile. "Kaoru, I have an idea."

He smiled back at his brother. "Do you?"

"I do. How would you feel about getting Tamaki back?"

"I would love to."

Hikaru ruffled his brother's hair. "Good. We are going to play one of our little games. You just follow my lead and we will have him exactly where we want him. Where is he right now? Flip the chat app over to the GPS."

Kaoru switched screens. "Oh, he's already at school! Looks like he is in music room three."

Hikaru clasped his hands together. "Perfect!" He glanced at the clock on their bedside table. "We've got more than an hour before anyone else should get there." He got to his feet and pulled his twin up off the floor. "Come on Kaoru, let's have some fun."

~_~_~_meanwhile in music room three_~_~_~

Tamaki sighed and threw the book back on the table. He hated accounting, math was perfectly fine. Accounting was just making the numbers into whatever the hell you wanted them to be. He picked up another ledger and tried to concentrate as he entered the recent expenses. He had no idea why he had agreed to this, Kyoya could have done it later. He rolled his eyes. Okay I'm being an asshole, Kyoya was really great and usually kept up all the books. He had only asked for this one favor because he was going to be late today. He shuffled through the receipts and grabbed the calculator. It would be fine, just get this done. Then the Host Club would start and he could have some fun and forget all about these tedious numbers.

Suddenly the door creaked as it was opened. He looked up confused. No one should be here for at least another hour. It was the twins. That was even weirder, usually they were late, never early. They both had that look, the look that they were up to something, a mischievous grin that never bode well for anyone.

Tamaki pushed the book back onto the table and sat up. "Umm hi, Hikaru and Kaoru, what are you guys doing here?"

They ignored the salutation and the question and continued to stalk across the floor like a cat after a mouse. Tamaki sat back on the sofa feeling a little apprehensive. Oh shit, what have I done? He was quickly reviewing things in his mind, searching for the reason the twins had that look on their faces and he was coming up empty handed. Not good, I can't even figure out what I'm supposed to apologize for, crap.

They glided up, the perfect vision of unity, a single figure split into two identical copies and they sat on either side of him. Very close to him. Too close. Their legs pressing on each of his legs, the pressure almost pinning him to the couch.

Tamaki looked from one of them to the other. He let out a half-hearted giggle. "So, what's up?"

One of them put an arm around his back and the other followed suit. He was quickly becoming entangled in twin. One head bent and then the other until their lips almost touched his ears, silky calculating voices purring in his ears as they did their famous 'finish each other's line' shtick.

"We were just thinking…"

"…and we came up with something very interesting."

"We figured out why…"

"…you started the host club in the first place."

Tamaki tried to move away from one, only to end up brushing up against the other. He yipped, reversed and did the same damn thing to the other twin. He pulled back until he was exactly in the middle again and froze, only his eyes moving from one to the other. Was he supposed to give an answer here? "Okay?" He rubbed his now sweaty palms on his thighs.

"We figured you out Tamaki."

"We know the real reason…"

"…is so you can be closer to us."

"All of us."

As if on queue their other hands shot out, each resting on one of his knees. Tamaki yipped and tried to stand up. "Okay guys, this is just getting a little weird. I think I'll sit over there in that chair." He gestured to the large arm chair on the other side of the table. Immediately their hands tightened on his knees and the arms across his back gripped him. "All right, I guess I'll just stay here and hear you out." Okay he could play their little game. He tipped his head to the side and smiled. "Okay carry on."

"As we were saying…"

"…you like watching the hosts…"

"…not the girls."

Tamaki laughed. "That's just ridiculous. Everyone knows I love the ladies. I only have you idiots here for a little variety."

"Really boss."

"Is that just what you tell yourself?"

"To quiet that little voice in your mind?"

"The one you hear late at night?"

Tamaki rolled his eyes. "You know, you two are getting to be a real bore. I have to update the books before the club opens." He tried to lean forward but again the hands on his knees tightened and this time they slid up, slowly, seductively, thin fingers suggestively kneading the muscles as they continued to creep higher and higher. He squeaked and slammed his hands on top of theirs halting that dangerous upward motion.

"What about Haruhi boss?"

Tamaki seized upon this point. "Yes, what about Haruhi, both of you know I like her."

"Exactly! You liked her before you knew she was a girl."

"Actually, it's probably the safest relationship for you to pursue…"

"…because, she looks like a boy…"

"…dresses like a boy…"

"…but she is really a girl…"

"…so you can safely…"

"…live out your little fantasy."

No, no, no, that wasn't why he liked her. Was it? The twins weren't supposed to make sense. Wait, no, they weren't making sense. This was all just extremely silly and he was starting to get a headache just thinking about it.

They moved incredibly fast as if they had scripted this out like an elaborate dance move. The twin to his left hooked his arm and pulled and twisted while the one to his right pushed and pounced. Before Tamaki even knew it had happened, he was now laid out flat on the sofa, between one twin's legs his back pushed against this same twin's chest with his arms securely held at his sides. The other twin was now on top of both of them, sitting on his lap, legs straddling him. His hands on Tamaki's shoulders pushing him down.

Not how he had pictured the night playing out. He tried to laugh but it came out very weak and very scared. "You know your whole brotherly love thing doesn't work on me, honestly this is pretty messy. It's like being attacked by a horny octopus."

The twin behind him leaned down, the lips now pressed directly against his ear. "Are you sure?" The words a delicate purr. Then the lips parted, tongue darting out stroking upward before teeth caught his earlobe biting down gently. Mouth closing down around his ear, sucking and nibbling.

Tamaki's mouth fell open and he gasped. The flight or fight instinct came and went and instead he panicked and simply froze, breathing heavy, wide eyes staring up at the triumph twin above him.

He smiled and wiggled his eyebrows at him. "Just as I thought boss." He leaned down resting his elbows on Tamaki's shoulders, threading his fingers together and settling his chin in his hands, only inches away from Tamaki's face. "No one can resist both of us, at once. That tortured look on your face is beautiful. You want to deny it, you want to run but…" He leaned closer, this time his forehead touching Tamaki's forehead. "…but you love it."

At this prompt the twin behind him bit down hard on his ear and when he opened his mouth and whimpered, the other twin took the opening and swooped down kissing him hard pushing his tongue into his mouth.

Tamaki's brain short circuited. This was wrong. He was being sexually assaulted. He was being sexually assaulted by twins. God that was hot. Wait, twin boys, this was wrong, but it felt soo good. His eyes drifted close and he opened his mouth more. He wasn't even sure which twin he was kissing. His tongue sliding over his, hot and wet, exploring the other boy's mouth. He pulled his arms up and this time they released them. Instead of pushing him away though his hands came up and tangled in the other boy's hair pulling him down, closer, deepening their kiss.

From behind him the other twin started to slowly lick and kiss down the column of his throat, until he came to his collar bone where he steadily sucked, so hard it was almost painful. There were four hands on his body, from behind fingernails scratching down his back. From the front, hands pulled at his shirt, slipping underneath and moving over his stomach and his chest, slipping slowly over sweat slick skin.

The fingers fumbled at his shirt buttons, undoing some of them, ripping the rest completely off. The twin on top of him broke the kiss and pulled back slightly while at the same time grinding on him. Tamaki's eyes flew open and he tried to pull him back down. "Don't stop."

The twin on top of him was breathing hard. "Wait! You want more?"

Tamaki was long past the point of worrying just what this encounter meant about him. Right now, he just wanted more, wanted everything. "Yes!"

"Then tell me, who is Hikaru and who is Kaoru?"

Tamaki smiled. "Kaoru is behind me. You've always been more aggressive Hikaru." He saw the satisfaction in the other boy's eyes and knew he had gotten it right. He pulled again and this time Hikaru came back down kissing him hard on the mouth before also trailing kisses down his throat, to his chest and then even lower to his stomach.

Tamaki was now making a whole string of incoherent sounds from whimpers to low moans to gasps as he threw his head back and arched his spine. Kaoru was again at his ear. "You are so loud, we're going to have to gag you next time."

Tamaki's brain seized on this, next time? There was going to be a next time? What did that mean? Then Hikaru's mouth moved lower and his hands were slowly undoing Tamaki's belt. His brain completely stopped working, unable to process this latest development.

The door of music room three slammed open, loudly rebounding off the wall. Haruhi's voice ran out. "I did the shopping."

Three heads shot up from the sofa at the other end of the room.

Haruhi was putting the bag down on a table next to the door and squinting at them. "What are the three of you doing anyway? I can't see anything, I lost a contact on my way over." She rubbed at her left eye.

The twins again moved in unison, this time disentangling themselves before shoving Tamaki off the couch and sitting up, next to each other. The perfect picture of innocence.

Tamaki hit the floor hard. "Ow!" His mind a confused jumble of fear and desire.

Hikaru smiled. "Oh, nothing Haruhi, just helping Tamaki with the accounts."

She picked the bag up off the table. "Okay, let me get this stuff put away in the kitchen and then I can help too." She disappeared around the corner.

Tamaki looked up at the smiling twins above him. Hikaru gestured to his undone shirt and messed up hair. "You better get yourself presentable before she comes back. That is unless you want us to tell her how we just molested you."

He looked down at his shirt and tried to quickly button it up, now realizing he was missing several of them.

Kaoru pointed to his neck. "Better cover that up too." Then he smiled evilly.

Tamaki put his hand up to his neck. "Ow!" Sure enough it was tender. He looked over to the large ornate mirror on the wall and saw he now had a huge hickey at the base of his neck. "What! Why would you?" He glared back at the smiling twins.

Hikaru pointed to one of the coat closets. "I think there are some scarves in the closet." Tamaki scrambled to his feet, but before he could take a step, Hikaru's hand shot out and grabbed his wrist. "One more thing boss, next week you're the French maid or I might just have to tell Haruhi what happened."

Tamaki shook his head. "No, no, no, whatever you want I'll be the maid."

Kaoru patted him on the head. "Good boy, if you behave maybe we can play again sometime soon." He looked to Hikaru. "That was fun."

Hikaru pouted. "I was just getting to the good part and then Haruhi had to show up." Tamaki swallowed hard. Oh God what had he gotten himself mixed up in? Two pairs of eyes locked on to him again. "Better get a move on boss before she gets back."

Tamaki turned and ran for the closet, praying there was a scarf and wondering what the hell his excuse would be for wearing one. It was going to be a long night.