The Thanksgiving Crash
By: Jackie Buckley 2009
It's Thanksgiving and Jerry Lawler was throwing a banquet party for his friends and co-workers. One by one, vehicles of all colors and models came from near and far to partake in the legendary annual feast. They lined up in rows in the large front lot in the front of the courtyard.
The King greeted his guests at the front door as they arrived. As his lavish castle filled up gradually, he was getting drunker and drunker. Every time the butler passed nearby, Lawler made sure his goblet was refilled to the brim.
The turkey was roasting and the chefs were working tirelessly to prepare the dinner.
"Welcome to my humble abode." Lawler greeted his latest arrivals, Shawn Michaels and HHH. The two D-X buddies looked around the high ceilings with the exquisite woodcarvings of cherubs and angelic faces in the woodwork. The 18th century furniture were antique and Victorian. "Humble indeed!" Shawn Michaels grunted.
Lawler greeted his next arrivals with care. CM Punk with his new boyfriend, Luke Gallows, walked in. "Oh my, this place is lovely." CM said. "Shut up, bitch, you're embarrassing me!" Gallows mumbled under his breath as he dragged him away from their host.
As the miles added up, Jackie was becoming more and more anxious. She felt like she'd been driving for hours. She was just as eager as her younger brother, Tony, was. He begged her to take him along the moment he found out she was invited to a banquet where there would be nothing but wrestlers.
"Are we there yet?" Tony asked for the umpteenth time. "Almost. Stop asking me! I'll tell you when we get there." Jackie said agitatedly, "Oh, and I hear Jack Swagger's gonna be there so you better not embarrass me."
Tony frowned. "Who cares? Why do you even like that dumb yellow gorilla?" Jackie didn't take her eyes off the road to glare at her brother because The King's Castle was growing in front of her eyes as she closed the distance. It was looming over their heads by the time they reached the gates. "Wow! What a place!" Tony exclaimed, looking up at the gargoyles glaring down from the eaves. "Yeah!" Jackie added, "What a place for Swagger to propose! Let's go!"
A gate keeper let them in and Jackie parked next to a shiny black Lamborghini. "Cool car! Do you know who that belongs to?" Tony asked. "I don't have a clue. Come on! The turkey'll be gone by the time we reach the front door." Jackie complained, annoyed that Tony had to exclaim at and examine every one of her co-workers' cars. She was afraid her lovely deep purple dress would be wrinkled by the time they even got to the courtyard, which had a large fountain in it's center, the statue of a dragon spurting water from it's nostrils.
"That's raw!" Tony exclaimed as they passed the fountain. "It's hideous! If I were this rich, my fountain would have a statue of Jack... naked!" Jackie declared dreamily. "Ew gross!" Tony retorted in reply, "Then don't be insulted if I never come to visit you."
Jackie grinned. "I won't. The statue will be worth the sacrifice." she teased. "I hate you." Tony grumbled. "Fine. Next time I get invited to a wrestlers-only party, guess who won't be coming along." Tony was about to protest when they finally reached the front door. Jackie cut him off by reaching up and pounding three knocks on the iron lion-headed knocker. As she tidied her skirt, Tony said, "That's old school."
Jackie flashed a warning look at Tony. "Remember what I told you. If you screw this up for me, I'll never speak to you again!"
"A-gain!" Tony repeated, poking fun at Jackie's learned Canadian accent, laughing. The laughter stopped when the door began to open because she elbowed him in the ribs.
Lawler's funny gnome-like face greeted them from inside. "Good evening, my dear Jackie. Welcome! Do come in." said the freaky old man with that stupid crown on his head. As Jackie stepped into the atrium, Tony made sure he was right behind her. "Who is this young man? He's not on the guest list." Lawler replied, squinting and sipping his wine. Tony glanced dreadfully at his sister, and she explained.
"He's my brother, Anthony and he's been watching wrestling his whole life. He wanted to come here with me. I hope that's okay. He won't be any trouble." Lawler looked over the boy again, wearing a hoodie and a Blackhawks cap turned backwards. "I don't know..." Lawler said thoughtfully. Everyone else was dressed so formally. This kid would stick out like a sore thumb. "If he can't come in, I'd have to drive him all the way back home, and we came such a long way!" Jackie cried, almost woefully. That would mean she would miss dinner with Jack Swagger!
Lawler seemed to be making up his mind. "Alright then. I wouldn't want you to miss my famous mashed potatoes and turkey stuffing. I would like you sit next to me at table. Would you like that?" he rambled.
"U...uuhh!" Jackie uttered, unsure what to say. Gratefully, Tony saved her by saying, "Thanks, King. Your crib is chillin', by the way."
The King looked at him confused. "Er, thanks?" he said.
"So, did Swagger show up yet, 'cause my sister... Ouch!" Tony was cut off by his foot being stomped on by a spiked boot.
Lawler again looked confused. "He'd better not show up! I didn't invite that trouble-maker." As Tony looked laughingly at his sister, she felt her stomach drop achingly. This whole stupid holiday had just been ruined. Lucky for her though, Lawler wanted to refill his cup. He was glaring miserly into it, seeing that the sweet, ruby liquid was running low. "Where's that lazy Mr. Cole? Would you care for a drink?" he asked Jackie.
"Uhm!" said Jackie, still too stunned to speak. Lawler hadn't noticed because he was already royally drunk. He led the new arrivals out of the atrium to the next room which was the grand hall. It was enormous. The ceiling was thirty feet high and decorated with deep arches and intricate plaster décor. The chandelier was massive and sparkling with dozens of crystals and shiny with layers of polished gold. It should have been enchanting to Jackie, but since Prince Charming wasn't invited, it seemed as gloomy as a Bastille cell.
People were scattered every which way, and Tony's eyes widened to better take it all in. He saw John Cena standing with Batista, talking and sipping from beer cans. He also spotted the Hardy Boys and Shane Helms in a cluster. Tony leaned toward Jackie to whisper, "There's only jobbers here! I guess that lame King didn't invite the cool people."
"I wish he hadn't invited me!" Jackie thought miserably. She shot imaginary darts from her eyes at the host as he held out his cup to the man with the huge ewer of wine. "Oh, what a discriminating piece of rubbish! If I'd have known Jack wasn't going to be here I never would've even bought this stupid dress, and I certainly wouldn't have traveled all this way!" she thought. She was so deep in thought, she didn't see Jerry Lawler until he was right in front of her. He was holding out a second cup and she took it. "Try this." he said, and she gulped down half of it in one swallow.
Lawler was looking at her bug-eyed and surprised until she licked off the pink wine mustache on her upper lip with the tip of her tongue. Then he was growling deep in this throat. Jackie thought he was appalling. No taller than she is, and stout and wrinkly and gross. Not Swaggerish one bit. It was sickening. She was longing for his golden-haloed presence.
"You like this wine? Wait 'til you try my famous pumpkin pie. You'll have the first bite off of my own fork, of course." the vile little man said.
"I don't want your stinkin' pie! I want Jack, wearing nothing but turkey gravy!" she wanted to shout, but gulped down the rest of the drink to stifle the outburst.
Lawler was chuckling merrily, looking like a short, fat, beardless St. Nick in his ridiculous red tunic. "I'll take that as a yes. Come. Let's sit down to dinner."
"Why couldn't he have chosen a different Diva to pick on? I want to go home!" Jackie cried in her head. She could feel Lawler's stare as men in white aprons and chef caps rolled in carts loaded with silver dishes covered with fancy lid covers. She tried to focus on that instead of her rude host. She had to think of a way to get them out of there, even if Tony would be mad at her forever. He so wanted to be here today.
In the meantime, a mysterious van had stopped in front of the gate outside, and a group of men were climbing out. The gate keeper looked nervously at the big men and asked them who they were. "We work with The King." said the one who seemed to be the leader, "We came for the turkey dinner."
The gate keeper shook at the sight of the mean-looking bunch. "I've been given strict orders not to let in anyone unless they're on the guest list." the gate keeper squeaked pitifully. "We are on the list!" said the one with the fiery-red hair and thick Irish accent, but the gate keeper shook his head. "Every name on the list has been checked in. We are not admitting any more guests." he said stubbornly.
"If you don't let us in, we'll force our way in." said the leader as the group huddled.
"You'll never breach the security of this estate." the gate keeper said bravely, but was trembling like a leaf, "We have the strongest gates in the world!"
Jason Reso stood in the middle of the huddle, obviously the brains of this outfit. "Listen, guys. This gate has half-barrel hinges. With enough leverage, we could pull the gate right off. Sheamus, you'll have to restrain half-wit over there while the rest of you guys try to lift the gate. I'll be ready to give the gate a little tap with our front bumper if all else fails."
Jason climbed back into the driver's seat while Sheamus approached the gate. "Come here, you little whippersnapper!" taunted the red-head as he stuck his big arm between the bars of the gate to grab the gate keeper by the neck. The smaller man tried to jab the wrestler with his bayonet, but Sheamus snatched it right out of his hands and pulled it through the gates to break in half across his knee. He reached his hand through the bars again and wrapped his fingers around the gate keeper's neck, holding him steadily. The little man beat at Sheamus' arm for freedom, but it was ineffectual.
As that went on, Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes, and Jack Swagger, obviously the brawn of this outfit grasped the gate at the bottom and heaved. They grunted audibly and their biceps rippled as a loud squeal came from the steel hinge. The gate keeper stared wide-eyed and amazed as he watched the heavy, large right half of the gate jostle. One final heave and it was wrenched free. Sheamus released the little man as the gate toppled down, pinning him underneath.
As the gate keeper cried for help, the three brawny men laughed, wiping the beads of sweat from their foreheads and pushed the left half of the gate wide open so Jason had plenty of room to drive through. The four jumped into the open van door as Jason pulled through the gaping gate. Boisterous laughter followed as Jason drove past the sea of vehicles and through the courtyard. The shouts for help were replaced by choking as the van kicked up gravel dust into the gate keeper's face.
The sentries posted at the front door of the castle saw the large van careening towards them, heard the whooping laughter and shouts for help in the distance. They stared in shock as the van drove straight through the courtyard, rounded the huge fountain and pulled right up in front of them. The front of the vehicle even rolled up the first few steps before the engine was killed. The van rested crookedly, halfway up the stone steps, and five men emerged.
"Halt!" one of the two sentries commanded as the five men approached. "I said halt!" the sentry repeated when the men continued to scale the last of the steps. Both sentries pointed their bayonets at them, but it didn't seem to intimidate them at all. The guards stood side by side, shivering visibly, but not from the crisp November temperature.
Randy Orton reached the guards first. He placed one hand each on each of their heads, his hands large enough to engulf their faces, and conked their noggins together. The weapons clattered to the floor as the guards fell unconscious from the trauma.
Jason pushed on the front door, but it was securely locked. He beat the knocker a few times, but after minutes of waiting he realized no one was going to answer. "They better let us in soon! I'm so hungry I could eat a whole turkey by myself!" Jack Swagger complained. "Me too!" Cody added. "Me three!" Sheamus added. "Me four!" Randy Orton added.
As growling stomachs were audible, Jack became ballistic and beat on the oak door with his large, meaty fists. "Open up, you snobs!" he shouted. "Yeah! Even the Indians shared with the Pilgrims! You can't shut us out!" Sheamus added. "Quiet! I'm thinking!" Jason scolded. Brute strength got them through the gate, but it was gray matter that was going to get them inside the castle.
Always the fast-thinker, Jason devised a plan within seconds. "There is always an open back door somewhere. Come on, let's investigate." he said, leading the group around the side of the castle.
As the men rounded the castle, a delicious aroma was wafting into the air. They followed their noses until they came to the door leading to the kitchens. It was ajar, and a sweltering heat from the stoves was emitting from it. The delicious aroma was stronger and the men could place every distinct smell. Sweet cranberries, candied yams, turkey.
The starving men rushed through the door in a large mass and saw the servants working hard to keep the kitchen clean. They raided the place as if it were their own, opening stove doors and lifting lids off the pots. "Where's the food?" Jack asked, flustered. He was so hungry by now he felt he could eat a whole bear. The servants were clustered in a corner, trembling before the frighteningly menacing group of large men. "They already ate it all!" Randy griped angrily.
"Nonsense." Jason reasoned, "It's already been served is all. We have to find the dining room."
At that moment, the butler stepped in and found the kitchen intruders. "Who, my good sirs, are you?" he asked. "We're your worst nightmare." Sheamus said, and as he moved to grab the little man, Jason held him back with a steady hand. "Wait a minute. We come in peace. We just came to enjoy a nice Thanksgiving dinner. Would you kindly lead us to the dining room?" Jason said. "And hurry up before I get hungry enough to eat you!" Sheamus growled.
The butler frowned. "You gentlemen were not invited to this banquet. There is no more room for anyone else, and how did you get in here anyhow and what are you doing in the master's kitchens?"
"Lookin' for food, dumbass! What d'ya think we're doing? Playing croquet?" Cody said smartly. The butler frowned deeper. "Remove yourselves from this castle before I summon the guards." he demanded. The large men laughed. "Go ahead. We'll just beat them up too and find the dining room ourselves." Jack said.
The butler grunted and snorted haughtily at them and said, "Well, I never!" rushing from whence he came.
"Hey, look! Pies!" Cody exclaimed when he found a dozen bubbling, orange-ish pies in one of the ovens. "You leave them be!" the head chef demanded from the shivering bunch in the far corner.
Jason came over to check it out. "They're not ready to eat yet, but they will be by the time we've finished eating dinner." he said.
"If I have to listen to that nincompoop for another minute I'll scream!" Jackie thought, wondering when those lazy servants were going to get out of the kitchen and serve this food. The butler emerged and whispered something into the King's ear. Lawler's face crumpled as he listened, then he stood up saying, "I'll take care of this. Don't serve anything 'til I get back."
"But, Master..." the butler said as Lawler stumbled to the kitchens, but was too drunk to mind him.
"What's the meaning of this?" Lawler roared as he burst into the kitchen, "Orton! Swagger! Reso! What the-" The intruders came up and surrounded the King. Jason did the talking. "We're a little insulted that you didn't invite us, but that's alright. We'll help ourselves. Get 'im, fellas." When Jason said that, Sheamus wrapped his hands around King's throat to hold him steady. The pitiful cry that escaped King's lips made the Irishman sneer and snicker. Jack grabbed the potato masher from the emptied pot that still sat atop one of the stove burners. It was still dripping with left-over potatoes. Jack clocked the King on the head with it, knocking him out cold. The utensil had been swung with such force that the crown was knocked off King's head and fell with a clatter to the floor. The masher was mangled and bent, misshapen into ruination, and Jack laughed as he tossed it carelessly away.
Sheamus tossed the lifeless King into the wine cellar as the other guys herded the rest of the kitchen staff there as well. Jason secured the door with the two-by-four, and then led his clique toward the dining room.
"I wonder what's the hold-up." Rey Mysterio wondered aloud, a thought that was on everyone's mind. They were all getting hungry and restless, and the food was smelling so good. Both the butler and the King had been gone for ten minutes or so.
Suddenly, loud voices could be heard coming from another room. The French doors to the dining room burst open with a crash, jerking the guests' attention in that direction. Lead by Jason Reso, four other known WWE menaces came into the room. Jackie gasped excitedly when she saw Jack Swagger with them. She thought he was so handsome with his golden head.
The party-crashers rushed toward the long table. Jason sat down at the head of the table where the King had vacated only moments ago. "Thanks for waiting, folks!" Jason announced. "Hi, there, Toots!" he said, winking at Jackie who sat bewildered in the seat at his right hand. "Finally, some people who know how to party." Tony whispered to Jackie as he saw some of his favorite wrestlers crashing the party, "And lucky you, your dumb Swagger showed up after all." Jackie was too mesmerized by Jack's towering form and golden boy good looks to even hear her brother next to her.
HHH shot up from his seat and outburst, "Hey, wait just a minute! You can't just come in here and sabotage our dinner!" Swiftly and wordlessly, Jack hooked a left and connected his large fist with HHH's monstrous nose, busting it into hamburger meat. HHH slumped unconscious back into his chair. Jack wiped the blood off his knuckles onto HHH's suit coat and then dumped the limp wrestler out of his seat, taking it as his own. Jackie stared breathless at the ruggedly handsome golden boy now sitting across the table from her.
"Anyone else wanna be made an example of?" Jason asked, and a few people actually gave up their own seat for the other three wrestlers still standing.
Jack reached out and lifted the cover off the largest dish on the table, revealing a huge roasted turkey. The aroma set off the wrestlers, and Jack ripped off a leg with his bare hand and took a monstrous bite. Jackie thought he was hot, even with his cheeks packed like a chipmunk and his mouth with turkey sticking out of it as he chewed. Cody used the large serving spoon in the dish of mashed potatoes to take a huge mound of potatoes from the bowl and into his mouth. Sheamus was stuffing yams whole two at a time into his mouth with his bare hands.
John Cena was the next victim to stand up and shout. "Hey, you haven't said Grace!" he reminded them.
"Grace!" the five wrestlers shouted with their mouths already full. Tony was laughing uncontrollably the whole time, and Jackie watched with extreme interest. She had never before seen a man eat like Jack Swagger and she was enthralled.
The other guests were getting restless and irritated at the party-crashers. When CM Punk reached out to try to snatch a scrap of turkey before it was completely gone, Sheamus grabbed the big two-pronged turkey fork and stabbed CM's hand with it, pinning it to the table. As CM's screams filled the air, Luke Gallows tried to help his boyfriend out. He had to really yank to remove the fork as deep as it had gone into the table. After Luke helped the sobbing, bleeding Punk away, no one else tried to help themselves.
Eventually, the guests dispersed, hungry and disappointed. Only Jackie and Tony remained, enjoying the display the five wrestlers had put on. Soon there was nothing left but bare bones of the turkey and a few stray crumbs. Cody was even licking the gravy boat clean. Tony's highlight of the night was the five monstrous belches at the end of the meal.
Jack had noticed Jackie had been observing him during the entire meal. He asked Jason, "Hey, you think them pies are done by now?"
"For sure!" Jason answered. "Let's go!" Cody added, and five chairs simultaneously scraped across the floor as they jumped out of their seats. Jack snatched Jackie by the wrist and dragged her with him. "Come along! You can share mine." he said. Tony followed. He didn't want to miss a thing.
The pies were cool enough to eat by now. The wrestlers were grabbing the pies straight off the rack. Jack rummaged through the refrigerator and found cans of whipped cream. He topped his pie off with cream six inches deep and grinned at Jackie when he was done. He presented the pie to her as if it were her birthday cake. "Go ahead. You can have the first bite." he said. She grabbed a clean fork out of the nearby dish drainer and dipped a dainty bite of pumpkin-cream pie a la Swagger. It was scrumptious, but Jack shook his head and said, "Let me show you how a pumpkin pie's 'sposed to be et."
He took a bite straight out of the pan, coming up with white cream on his nose, upper lip and chin. Jackie giggled sheepishly at the sight. Jack just grinned at her and said, "Come and get this. I know you want to." Without further ado, she came toward him and he snatched her up in a one-armed bear hug. Instead of licking the cream off as she'd intended, Jackie found herself being firmly kissed, her face quickly getting covered with the cream too. As everyone else finished the pies around them, Jackie silently named this Thanksgiving "The November To Remember."
The End!