Alright, so there's this huge ass fantasy world, right. Shit's real tight. Bitches getting murdered left and right, fuckin' dragons flying around, all these other mythical creatures just chillin', all these wars going down and giant ass explosions and that, and all this other shit.

And in this here fantasy world (which is called Westeros, by the way), there are all these kingdoms and families. One such family was the Lannisters. These dudes were massive dicks, right. Too busy being stuck up twats and fucking their close relatives to do non-dickish things, we are led to believe. But this one dude from the Lannisters is not a dick. This dude is Tyrion, and he's a kickass dwarf. Not a generic fantasy universe dwarf; he has nary a beard nor a battle-axe. But he does have a shit tonne of sass and he bludgeoned a guy to death with a shield this one kneecaps are never safe when it comes to this dude.

And Tyrion has these bros, right. There's his homie Bronn, who is singlehandedly the coolest motherfucker without even needing to try. He's like, the kind of person who would wear leather jackets and sunglasses. He doesn't wear either of these things, on account of them not being prevalent in Westeros. But nevermind. And then there's Podrick, who's like the baby of the group. But Tyrion and Bronn are the greatest wingmen you ever did see, so he got shanghaied into the squad of cool dudes after getting hooked up with like three happy hookers.

BUT THEN (and this is where the story stops being canon and spirals into whatever the fuck I want it to end up as), SHIT WENT DOWN, IN ONE FATEFUL NIGHT. WHICH I SHALL NOW WRITE ABOUT.

~THE HANDOVER~

(LOL, GETTIT, LIKE THE HANGOVER, EXCEPT WITH HANDS AND SHIT)

CHAPTER 1

Okay, so you know those three guys that I just told y'all about? Well, let's pretend there was a fourth one. Because there was! And his name was Jaime Lannister, first class bellend and his name is one apostrophe away from being French for 'I like', except it's ironic because you don't like him very much. But I digress. He's not a main dude in the group of bros, but he's a dude nonetheless, and he'll function as our plot device for the time being. Kinda like Tim Johnson from 'To Kill A Mockingbird' who was only there to produce character development in Atticus Finch (go hard or go home motherfuckers).

So what happens is that after King Bellend (also known as 'he who shall not be named, but we can tell you that his name sounds ever so slightly like "banoffee pie") came down with a sudden case of the death, the rich cunts had a secret party. Except it wasn't all that secret, as rich people are really shit as subtly on account of them having massive egos and a shit tonne of wonga. There was drinking, there was casual murder, there was drunken banter, there was drinking, there was the brief reappearance of everyone's favourite dance master Syrio Forel from the dead, there was the quick murder of Syrio Forel after everyone got too pissed off at him for beating them one too many times on Dance Dance Revolution, and of course, there was drinking. Shit was kickin'.

The very next morning, Tyrion woke up amongst the piles of whores and oatmeal (don't question it dude), and then he looked around at the figures sprawled out beside him. There was Bronn, there was Podrick, and there was Jai-

HOLY SHIT, THERE WAS NONE OF THE EXPECTED JAIME! WHAT THE DICKS?!

And Tyrion was all like 'OH SHIT, WHERE'S HE BUGGERED OFF TO?'

And Bronn was all like 'FUCK THE JAIME, HE HAD A FUCKIN' GOLDEN HAND! SHIT'S PRICEY!'

And Podrick was gonna make some sort of beneficial contribution that could have stopped the unorthodox shit that would inevitably unfold, but he was hungover and had morning wood, and so said nothing.

'SHIT DUDE, WE GOTTA GO ON AN UNORTHODOX ESCAPADE!' said Tyrion, thus fulfilling the bullshit prophecy and introducing a plot after a whole chapter. Bronn no doubt said something witty, but I am not a good author and so cannot think of anything. But fuck it dude, I ain't no George R R Martin. END OF CHAPTER 1, HIT THE FUCKIN DECK, CONTAIN YOUR ANUS AS CHAPTER 2 IS INCOMING BITCHES.