I Never Asked for This
I felt drained. Exhausted. Tired. Tired of having to defend my ideals, my dreams. Tired of trying to explain myself to Dorothy, of being at the receiving end of her pointed remarks and sarcasm. I want to rest. I have no business here, I have no right to be ruling the Cinq kingdom. Oh, I know it's mine by heritage, that it's because I'm a Peacecraft. But I never asked to be a Peacecraft. I never asked for the kingdom, for the responsibilities of ruling over thousands. I'm only a teenager. One minute, I'm safe in my boarding school, the next, my father, the only father I've ever known, is killed and I'm told that he isn't my father, and that I'm actually a princess.
I never asked for any of this.
I have no experience. I'm only fifteen. How can they expect me to make decisions, to carry out my birth father's ideals of Absolute Pacifism? I know nothing. But because of all the responsibilities they have heaped upon my shoulders, I have to pretend that I know everything. I have to appear cool and calm and collected all the time and it exhausts me. I can usually manage, but I don't succeed all the time.
Like when Pagan told me that Noin had found Heero and was thinking of bringing him to Cinq. My feelings were thrown into a turmoil—Heero, here, in Cinq… I don't know what it is about Heero that makes me feel so confused when he is around, or even when his name is mentioned. I do not approve of fighting as a means of attaining peace, but Heero is doing what he believes is right. Without Heero, I can probably preach Absolute Pacifism with all my heart, but Heero has forced me to reconsider my stand. I know that peace will not prevail for long in Cinq, not with the Romefeller Foundation around, but still, I have to try to do what I can. Not for myself, but for the father I never knew, the brother I never thought I had, the father I knew who was killed trying to keep the peace, the innocent civilians in Cinq who have welcomed me with open arms…
Pagan has just informed me that Heero's plane will be arriving in another ten minutes. I long to see him, yet I'm afraid. Afraid that I'll act like a childish schoolgirl in front of him, afraid that he'd treat me coldly, like he always does. I don't understand why I'm so drawn to him, even when he makes it perfectly clear that I'm a nuisance to him, that I'm an obstacle in his path. Time and time again he has brushed me off as one would shoo away an annoying fly, but time and time again I cling on to him like a hopeless love-sick puppy. I hate this weakness in myself, yet I can't help it. Despite his promise to kill me, I feel safe whenever he is around, even though I know that his presence will bring about war and destruction. He frightens me, yet I'm drawn to him.
His plane is arriving. I must welcome him. I pray that I will be able to keep a calm façade in front of him, but something tells me that it's not going to work.
I never asked for this.
~THE END~