Kathryn deeply inhaled the scent of the flowers in her hand and sighed. It was really very sweet of Chakotay to send them. She had been an utter cow to him earlier and yet somehow he'd gotten the impression he was the one who needed to apologise. The words on the little card attached to the bouquet sent a warm tremble down her spine.
"I hope you can forgive me for the misunderstanding and that you're still willing to be my date for tonight. Chakotay x"
A kiss. There was definitely a single kiss there on the end of the sentence. She squinted at it, trying to convince herself it could be something else - not that she really wanted it to be - but yes; without question he'd ended the message with a kiss. Well what the hell did that mean?
As she arranged the blooms in a vase on her nightstand, and ruminated on the significance of the card, she found herself actually beginning to look forward to the evening's planned festivities despite her initial misgivings.
"So unless there's anything else to discuss I think that concludes things for today". Kathryn glanced around the meeting table to see if those present had anything to add, and her eyes instantly fell on Neelix who looked like he was all but bursting to say something.
"Yes Mr Neelix?" As he stood up to speak, almost brandishing a PADD before him like some form of protective shield, she also noticed the slightly apprehensive faces of the remainder of her senior staff; all of them looked distinctly nervous – all that is except Tom Paris, who was attempting to hide a broad smirk behind his hand. What on earth were they cooking up?
"Erm, Captain, firstly… I wonder if you're aware of what the date is?" Kathryn was perplexed for a moment before replying,
"Yes… it's Stardate 50382". She knew her answer was a little wary, but obviously she would know what date it was, so why in twelve star systems were they asking? She involuntarily began to grip the edge of the table. Neelix continued,
"Well, yes, but we were rather more meaning the Earth date?" His shift in emphasis from 'I' to 'we' was notable – clearly he was not happy shouldering the entire responsibility for whatever hare-brained scheme was about to be revealed. She quickly performed a few mental calculations – she rarely bothered keeping track of the earth date any more – then realisation hit her with an abrupt thud. The date was May 20th.
"It… It's my birthday". She tried hard not to allow her grip on the table edge to increase to the point that her knuckles turned white.
"Correct!" Neelix looked unnecessarily pleased with himself, "And so of course we, your friends and colleagues, could hardly let such an occasion pass without some sort of recognition". And at this point a number of her officers ducked under the meeting table, returning a few moments later with an assortment of gifts, wrapped with variable levels of skill.
Kathryn couldn't help but smile. It was incredibly sweet of them to go to all this effort, and whilst she had mixed feelings about celebrating her own birthday, festivals and anniversaries were good for the crew in general and maintained a sense of normality. And at least it was just presents and they weren't planning some sort of god-awful party where she'd be fawned and fussed over – being the centre of attention at a social occasion was her idea of a nightmare.
"And of course, this evening we'll be holding a little celebration on the Holodeck in your honour Captain". Thought too soon, Kathryn. Thought too soon.
Neelix had clearly tried hard to quietly slip the bombshell in whilst she was distracted by gifts – and the awkward silence that followed told her all she needed to know about what the crew were anticipating her reaction to be. She forced a smile onto her face.
"Thank you all, this is really, really thoughtful. And I hope you're ready to let your hair down, because I'm expecting one hell of a party tonight". She knew her tone was far from genuine, but there was a palpable ripple of relief around the room; she was at least going to feign pleasure at the prospect of a birthday celebration.
The next half hour was spent opening gifts and marvelling at the contents – her particular favourite was a pass from Tom donating two hours of holodeck time and the rather dubious honour of being the first to try out his new holoprogram featuring a character called 'Captain Proton'. Apparently this was the best he could come up with having bet away all of his replicator rations for the next three weeks.
Once all the excitement had died down and everyone had dispersed, Kathryn gathered her various gifts and retired back to her ready room. She was in the process of arranging them around her desk when the door chimed.
"Come".
Chakotay's entrance into the room was so quiet and unassuming that Kathryn was about to call 'come' again when she glanced up and saw him. He shuffled tentatively towards her desk. She couldn't imagine what he wanted - he'd had ample opportunity to discuss ship's business and had already given her his gift of a book of poetry, unless...
"Kathryn I..." That nervous look was back on his face again - yes, this was obviously something he hadn't wanted to bring up in front of the rest of the senior staff. And if it was what she suspected it was, this was going to be amusing. She cleared her throat,
"Yes...?"
"Erm, well..." His hand rubbed over the back of his hair as he cast this eyes downward, "I was wondering whether you'd want me to be your date for this evening?"
She tried hard not to laugh, but he was just so adorably hopeless that she just couldn't hold back.
"Chakotay, you accompany me to every ship function so I really don't know why we have to go through this charade of you nervously asking me every time". At this point, she expected that he'd look up, smile that half smile, and be as amused by the silliness of the ritual as she was. But he didn't. When his eyes flicked back upwards to meet her gaze she saw an expression of absolute seriousness in his eyes.
"Is that what you think, Kathryn? That I only ask you to be my date because it's somehow what we're supposed to do as Captain and First Officer? Because it means more to me than that, and I thought it meant more to you too". He was genuinely hurt, and Kathryn was aghast.
"Chakotay I don't... I mean I've never..."
"It's all right, you've made yourself quite clear. I understand why we can't be… together, but I thought you at least enjoyed spending time with me, socially". He made as if to leave but then turned back, pulling out a small box that had been concealed inside his jacket.
"I was hoping you'd wear this. I'll pick you up at your quarters at nineteen hundred and don't worry, I know what the terms and conditions are". And with that he left.
Kathryn couldn't bring herself to move for five whole minutes. She wasn't entirely sure how to process what had just happened. She knew Chakotay could be sensitive, but it wasn't like him to be quite so abrupt. Then again, she thought as she quickly recalled the past few months, this was the first proper function they'd had since New Earth... she sighed. She thought they'd put that behind them but maybe Chakotay wasn't as over it as she'd imagined.
She reached over the desk and picked up the neatly wrapped box, opening it with the reverence she felt it deserved in light of Chakotay's outburst. Inside, nestled within layers of soft pink tissue paper was a necklace. The pendant was constructed from layers of fine blue-shaded sand pressed between two pieces of thin glass. It was a breathtakingly intricate piece and Kathryn recognised the style instantly from their months on New Earth. Chakotay had made it himself - refining his sand painting techniques into something far more skilled. She was dumbfounded.
Kathryn had spent almost the entirety of the day after that point thinking about New Earth; Chakotay; how things were different since they'd returned to the ship; Chakotay; the reality of her own feelings and Chakotay. She came to the conclusion that she was no more over what had happened during those three months than he had suddenly revealed himself to be. She'd just got damn good at denying it to herself. A surge of excitement welled up in her belly when she thought back on Chakotay's earlier words. She had to admit that she liked the fact that he still felt about her that way, and she seriously hoped that she hadn't completely wiped the idea from his mind.
So when the flowers arrived some seven or eight hours later, it was to a huge sense of relief and even more butterflies in her stomach. He'd clearly spent at least a reasonable portion of the day thinking about her too.
Kathryn opened her wardrobe and began considering her choice of outfit for the evening. She wanted to try and pick out something that perfectly complemented the stunning necklace that Chakotay had so lovingly made for her. She hoped that if she showed him she'd made an effort, and really appreciated his gift, that she could patch things up between them. She was encouraged by the arrival of his flowers; they showed he was thinking something similar.
But what exactly was it that she was hoping for? They'd tried going back to normal after New Earth, but clearly that wasn't working. On the other hand, she couldn't possibly consider having an intimate relationship with her first officer. Or could she? Kathryn turned back to her wardrobe with renewed concentration. Chakotay had certainly got her mind churning.
In the end, she was forced to replicate a new dress. Nothing she had in her wardrobe even came close to creating the impact she was after. She'd spent quite some time, on top of the half hour of rifling through every item she already owned, designing exactly the perfect gown before kissing goodbye to a good chunk of replicator rations.
The moment she looked at the complete ensemble in the bathroom mirror she knew it had been worth it. Chakotay had chosen shades of blue that complemented the colour of her hair perfectly and in emulating them in the dress Kathryn had created a truly striking look. Soft layers of satin and sheer floaty gauze fell in waves from the high waistline. The bodice was more fitted, but still swept pleasingly over the shoulders gathering in a halter neck underneath the fall of her hair; which itself was drawn up into a loose flowing braid rather than her usual tight business-like bun. And of course, the whole thing stood as the ideal frame to set off Chakotay's necklace to perfection. He wasn't going to know what had hit him.
The short walk to Holodeck Two was a rather nerve-wracking one for Kathryn. She was surprised, in fact, by just how apprehensive she felt. Any thought of Chakotay just set her stomach back off on its continual churn. Thoughts of Chakotay's reaction to seeing her in the dress… well she could barely handle those. She was beginning to wonder again exactly what it was she was hoping this little exercise was going to achieve. All she knew was that she wanted more than anything for him to look at her the same way he had when he told his Angry Warrior story, and she would worry about the consequences later.
She stood in front of the Holodeck doors for several moments before she mustered up the courage to enter. When she did so, exactly as she had anticipated, every eye in the room turned to fall on her – and she was pleased to see that the majority of expressions were of obvious surprise but also approval. She searched the room for Chakotay and spied him over by the buffet table – typically he would be one of the last to turn around as she entered, causing a few additional moments of painful suspense. And then he saw her.
To say his jaw hit the floor was of course an exaggeration, but it certainly dropped by a good few inches. His gaze swept from her hair, down her neckline – a small smile escaping onto his face when he passed over the pendant – and momentarily rested a little south of there before snapping back up to her face. Kathryn was half flushed, half thrilled at the none too subtle glance he'd taken at her cleavage – certainly she had far more on display than she'd ever dared previously whilst aboard Voyager.
The room had fallen completely silent aside from the quiet jazz Neelix had playing in the background. It felt as if the entire crew present were waiting, breath held, to see what was going to happen next. It took Chakotay a few moments to gather his wits enough to move over to her.
"Kathryn you look… breath-taking". His eyes grazed over her body as he spoke before meeting her gaze again. What she saw there was startling intensity – but as always she found it difficult to read exactly what he was thinking. As well as the depth of feeling rolling off him, she sensed a hesitation; an uncertainty there which she knew must be mirrored in her own expression.
The crew had largely gone back to their conversations, but not without knowing smiles gracing a number of faces. Tom in particular wore a look of smug satisfaction. Chakotay cleared his throat as if to say something else, but she made to interrupt him, resulting in them speaking at once,
"I'm sorry". Then they both laughed, nervous, but with genuine amusement. Kathryn continued,
"Chakotay, I want you to know that of course I value your company; very much in fact. I can't imagine anyone else I'd rather have as a date for my birthday party or any other occasion. I mean that, not just because we're on Voyager and our situation is…" He interjected,
"Unique… challenging… and at times frustrating?"
"All of those things. If we were in the Alpha Quadrant right now and I had my pick of Starfleet and Civilian alike to escort me to a Grand Ball in my honour, I would still want you by my side". He smiled now, warm enough to raise a flush in her cheeks, and she felt herself sagging as if she would melt into the floor before him,
"That was all I needed to hear". He took her hand then, gently and without pressure, "I'll let you go and mingle now – I'm sure everyone is dying to wish you many happy returns, but we'll catch up later, yes?" And with that he planted a soft kiss on the back of her hand, leaving her dumbstruck as he moved over towards what appeared to be a beach area at the far end of the room.
As Chakotay had suggested, Kathryn devoted the next couple of hours to moving from group to group around the room, spending time with each of the crew. She was forced to admit to herself that this party had, in reality, been a great idea – the self-conscious feelings that would normally plague her at such an occasion were entirely chased away by the regular glances she and Chakotay were managing to steal at one another across the room. This meant that she could relax and just enjoy spending time with her colleagues – the synthehol was flowing well and the senior staff were certainly carrying out Kathryn's request to let their hair down with the same level of gusto and commitment they gave to their day jobs.
Near the beach and lakefront area Neelix had set up a cocktail bar, and it was here that Chakotay finally managed to make his way back over to Kathryn a couple of hours later. She was engaged deep in conversation with Tom and B'Elanna – Tuvok standing a little further down the bar with his usual air of indifference to social gatherings; albeit with slightly more good grace in deference to it being Kathryn's birthday. In between speaking, Kathryn was drinking from a glass containing multi-coloured layers of juice, syrup and synthehol, adorned with every traditional cocktail trimming Neelix had been able to glean from Voyager's database. Chakotay looked at it and laughed as he drew nearer, and Kathryn had to concede that he had a point – it was amazing she could even drink it around the plethora of sparkles and umbrellas sticking out at all angles.
At Chakotay's approach, Neelix motioned unsubtly to the Doctor, who took up a microphone from behind a little desk at the side of the bar and announced enthusiastically that it was time for the commencement of the dancing. Almost immediately the lights dimmed and various coloured spots started swirling about the room. At Kathryn's slightly confused expression, Neelix leaned over to explain,
"It was Mr Paris' idea – a late twentieth century Earth tradition called a disco. And the Doctor is to be 'DeeJay' whatever that is".
"It means he plays the music Captain" Tom added.
"But isn't the computer more than capable of playing the music?"
"Well… yes, but it's all part of the ambience. I hope you like it". Tom looked so earnest that she had no option but to smile and nod. A number of the crew were already making their way onto the open area before the Doctor's little desk, and Kathryn amused herself in noting exactly who was first onto the dance floor, and what that said about them. She watched as around eight people enthusiastically began moving around to the first song, two of whom were Tom and B'Elanna, and was so engrossed that she'd almost forgotten Chakotay who was waiting patiently at her elbow. He cleared his throat,
"Can I tear you away?" After the past few hours of flirtatious glances, finally hearing the sound of his voice, low and full of promise, sent shivers rippling down her spine. A small voice in the back of her head wanted to ask 'What the hell are we doing Chakotay? What is this?' But it was her heart rather than her head that provided the response,
"Of course". He led her over to a more secluded table under a parasol at one side of the room. The feel of his hand in hers made her head spin, and she was grateful to reach a seat before she was forced to grab onto something for support. There was an eagerness on Chakotay's face as she glanced up at him, and almost involuntarily she felt her face form a sort of questioning look. He spoke,
"Kathryn I think we need to talk". Well that was ominous. But the seriousness of the statement didn't mirror the softness in his expression, and she immediately felt herself relaxing. Maybe it was the effects of the synthehol, or a day of constant contemplation and mulling over of what exactly the relationship she had with her first officer could be defined as, but somehow she was ready to have this conversation with him in a way that she hadn't been before. And so she replied,
"About us?" He smiled and she knew straight away that he recognised her mirroring of words that had been spoken before, in another place and in what had almost begun to feel like another life. Not only recognised them, but understood why she had chosen them – as an indication of openness, and of how ready she was for them to confront their feelings with total honesty; feelings which had been carefully buried since they'd closed that chapter in their journey.
"Yes. About us". He put heavy emphasis on the last word, "Kathryn I don't want you to feel like I'm trying to pressure you into anything. I know on New Earth things were different, and whatever we could have become there if we'd stayed… well we can't have that on Voyager. And I don't want you to think that what happened today was me trying to push the issue. I just… I need you to know that I'll wait for you. And when we get home, if it's what you want…" He trailed off. She paused for a long time before replying, trying somehow to form the mess of swirling emotions in the pit of her stomach into words,
"Chakotay, I honestly have no idea where we go from here. We're so far from Earth and there's Mark to consider…" He made as if to interrupt but she continued, "… No let me finish. The only thing I do know is how I feel about you right now. That and how glad I am you're here with me every day, supporting me and sharing in this journey. I don't honestly know what I'd do without you. So if it's all right I'd prefer not to risk that by trying to call it anything or put it into a box. Do you understand?"
"I do. And I think that's sort of what I was trying to say too, only I didn't put it as well as you". His hand had been laced into hers during the whole conversation, but the initial sharpness of that contact had now dulled into warm reassurance – a sensation just as valuable, but less loaded; less demanding.
Another one of the Doctor's up tempo numbers was coming to a close, and he leant over to speak into his microphone,
"And now it's time for a slow one Ladies and Gentleman, so grab your partner of choice and sidle on down to the dance floor". Kathryn laughed slightly – the Doctor was as ridiculous as ever, but somehow in this context the whole picture worked rather well. Whilst she was looking over towards him she hadn't noticed Chakotay getting up from his chair and extending a hand to her,
"Captain, may I have this dance?" She noted his choice of 'Captain', worried initially that he had actually been affronted by her response to his 'declaration' for want of a better word. But he was smiling wickedly and she understood that this was his attempt to establish a new line between them – a more flexible line perhaps but still very definitely a line. A line that neither of them may like but that they both very much needed. She realised then that he was absolutely right – they should start to enjoy their relationship for what it could be rather than mourning it for what it couldn't. She allowed him to lead her forward onto the dance floor, feeling the eyes of the crew upon them but for once, not caring a jot.
The Doctor had been truthful when he said the song was a slow one and, like the majority of other couples on the floor, Kathryn and Chakotay took up a posture that felt natural for such a dance; with his hands on her waist and hers resting around the back of his neck. There was not really much option at this point other than to look at each other's face and, after a few minutes of slightly nervous laughter and downward glances, their gazes rested comfortably on one another.
Today had been wonderful. It had been nice to imagine their relationship becoming more, but they'd fortunately both come to their senses in time before they did anything they would later regret, and yet had still managed to become closer as a result. Besides, Kathryn thought, sex most definitely wasn't everything and really there was very little else that they couldn't get from one another. In fact, she could forego that part of a relationship quite easily, in spite of how handsome Chakotay was, and how good his lips looked, and how his hands felt on her waist and just skimming the very top of her buttocks as he moved her around the floor…
The lyrics broke off into to an instrumental solo and the music began to build. Chakotay's eyes seemed to Kathryn to lock onto hers with renewed intensity. She felt his hands tighten a little on her waist, pressing her towards him – she took the gentle hint and she was drawn in, allowing him to wrap his arms around her back, her hands sliding naturally upwards to rest on the back of his head, hair feathering between her fingers. Their faces were much closer together now, and he tilted his head down, inviting her to press her forehead against his. As she did so, everything and everyone else in the room seemed to blur – the entire frame of her view taken up by the dark pools of his eyes, which seemed in that moment to contain the entire Universe. She could feel, rather than hear, the beat of the music as it surged up from the floor through her feet until it blended with the strong, rapid pounding of her heart. Nothing else existed but the two of them in that moment and Kathryn felt her eyes begin to close, not even caring that she was licking her lips right in his face in anticipation of the kiss that was surely now unpreventable. He spoke,
"Happy Birthday Kathryn". She was infinitely glad that he was holding her so tightly because otherwise she would have stumbled. She felt dizzy, a head rush followed by a prickling wave of heat. The disorientation frightened her and she felt a sudden desperate urge to get away. But Chakotay smiled down at her and she forced herself to relax into his embrace. The song finished soon after and, heart still pounding, Kathryn somehow made her way off the dance floor.
"Time to cut the cake!" The Doctor shouted – indicating towards where Neelix and Kes were wheeling a trolley containing a magnificent multi-tiered cake towards the centre of the room. Kathryn sighed in relief at the distraction, and took a few deep breaths in an attempt to gather herself as she made her way over to the trolley. She was handed a knife and made a show of cutting the cake, hands still shaking, as the Doctor snapped away with his holo-imager.
As she glanced up from the cake, she saw Chakotay looking at her, smiling. When he saw her return his gaze he gave a little half-shrug as if to acknowledge what had just passed between them. It was such an unassuming gesture and, despite her lack of belief, she silently gave thanks to some imagined greater power for sending him to her. There were no road maps for their situation – surely it was unique in the entirety of existence – and every step forward was a fumble in the dark. Whether they ended up as close friends and colleagues, or something more, it wasn't going to be an easy road.
But at least they'd take it together.