Disclaimer: I only wish I was cool enough to own Katie Bell…

Chapter 1- Fairytale on Crack

I am, most unfortunately, stuck in a fairy tale. Well I think it's a fairy tale, but I highly doubt anybody would call it that. However, I have undeniable proof. I can, in fact, prove, with very few doubts, that my life is like a fairy tale. Well a slightly messed up and strange fairy tale, but nonetheless, it's the kinda story you tell your kids someday, or even your grandkids. My fairy tale has a great cast of characters that are commonly found in most bedtime stories. And the best part is…well they are all real people. But that might actually be kinda scary for some people.

Well every story need to have that mysterious-old-guy-who's-off-the-wall-comments-leave-you-in-wonder-until-they-finally-make-sense-after-said-event-has-occurred. Now that title is a bit too long to incorporate into a fairy tale, so in most stories he is the town nutcase, or old wizard. In my fairy tale, Albus Dumbledore takes the cake in this department. Throw wizened grandfatherly dude into the mix, shake well, and you have this guy pegged. And he can be oober creepy when he wants to be! It's like he knows everything. I "accidentally" went into the Hog's Head one time in third year and the next day I get called into his office to explain why a thirteen year old girl was in a pub grilling the bartender about how fire whiskey tastes. He wasn't very happy when I told him that I was just curious. He gave me the same old "why-don't-you-try-harder" speech, which I have memorized by the way. "Oh Miss Bell… (Insert overdramatic sigh here) I had so hoped that you would not be so easily corrupted by the Weasley twins. You have such potential; it is a shame to waste it on less than scholarly pursuits. If you would but exercise a little more caution and restraint you would do marvelous." Eat me; I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've heard that same speech since I was a first year. And you probably don't want to know how many times either. I swear that he is tougher on me than everybody else. I have a strong suspicion that he is holding a grudge. Geez! You steal a guy's lemon drops one time and he's disapproving for life. The squid didn't even like the stupid things anyways.

All fairy tales need a wicked witch of the West. Or maybe it's just the Wizard of Oz that needs a wicked witch of the West, but my story has one anyways. However, my wicked witch isn't so much evil as she is pushy, stern and terribly out of touch with the latest hair trends. She is the one… the only… Minerva McGonagall. The single worst person in my life. The wicked witch role used to be played by my mother, but McGonagall took center stage after my mum died. But McGonagall is even worse than my mom was as the wicked witch. It's probably because McGonagall has vital contact with my father, who, no joke, married her cousin's niece's sister-in-law's next door neighbor's room mate, who was better known as Kathryn Bell, my mother. I guess that makes me some what related to the big McG in someway… Scary huh? But really, the big McG and my dad go way back. Back to the middle ages of Hogwarts or something. It was some freak incident involving a nerf gun, toothpaste, a bewitched crown, a girl named Jocelyn and some kid named Andy. Evidently Jocelyn and Andy didn't like each other, but according to legend they ended up married… Weird huh? But anyways, my dad was caught in the crossfire and McGonagall had an amazing save. So ever since I started Hogwarts, the ol' witch has ratted me out, well threatened to rat me out. But come on! You can only rephrase "Miss Bell if you put one more toe out of line, I will be forced to owl your father." so many times. Besides, it's highly unlikely that my deal ol' dad would remember, or take enough time off work to really care. So maybe McGonagall isn't so bad, or evil/wicked after all. It seems a bit strange, but I think she has kinda taken me under her wing. Nothing that would be noticeable favoritism, just a discreet smile, or the anonymous milk and cookies when… Oh! And that note telling me that I could always stop in for a chat. She really is a nice ol' bird… er… when I said bird I totally meant cat. She could even be my fairy godmother now that I think about it. Dang! Now I'll need to find a new wicked witch.

Of course, no fairy tale, or story for that matter, is complete without some sort of evil bad guy, arch-rival, nemesis, self-proclaimed-enemy, or just mean jerk. Now, I do know a lot of mean jerks from numerous dating experiences… but one guy really takes the cake. Cormac McLaggen is king of the mean jerk department, but in the end, he's really only a mean jerk. And a mean jerk is nowhere near as evil as my archrival Janice Nair. She is the meanest, rudest, most unfeeling girl on this side of the Atlantic. But even worse than her is Marcus-Grotesque-Flint. It's a pretty long story, but we'll leave it at the whole mutual hate thing. And finally, we have the dark overlord of them all. The Darth Vader of Hogwarts. The man that has made my life a miserable rats nest since the moment I stepped foot into his classroom. He just really doesn't like me. He is the one, the only Professor Slimy Git Snake, err… I mean Professor Severus Snape. But seriously, the guy is out to get me, I swear! He hates me, and it's not just the whole Gryffindor-Slytherin rivalry thing either. It's actually the combination of that and two other things. Slimy Git Snake thinks that I was behind this rather stupid and dumb prank in my first year, but I totally was framed. Like I would seriously leave evidence or sink that low. I bet it was Janice. Well after that he just kind of hated me. But he really started loathing me after I discovered that I rock at Potions. And I really do rock at Potions. On my OWLs, I got the highest score since Nicholas Flamel retook his OWLs at age 367, I beat out the previous record holder from 1976 by 3 points. Guess who the previous record holder was? I'll give you three guess, but you should only need one. Snape was livid and I was laughing my head off. So Slimy Git Snake is pure evil and since no evil is complete without henchmen- pretty much the whole Slytherin House (a.k.a. the Slime Followers) hates me.

The part of annoying talking animal has already been taken by the resident psychotic cat. Ok, so I admit, Mrs. Norris can't really talk, but if looks could kill, then three-fourths of Hogwarts would be dead. Unfortunately, I am not included in that three-fourths, because I have the perpetual doom of Mrs. Norris actually liking me. I really don't get it. I'm not even a cat person. I'm not even a pet person, my fish all died. And if by some chance I ever did get a pet, I would totally get a dog, mainly because I'm not allergic to dogs, and cats are stuck up. Having Mrs. Norris liking me isn't a horrible fate, because it does give me free license to sneak around without her running to Filch on me. But I think I would rather have her running to Filch. Late night reconnaissance missions to the kitchen for jelly doughnuts and grape soda just aren't the same when you're sneezing to death as a huge cat tries to rub up against your legs knocking you down the stairs, and into a pile of Peeves' dungbombs.

Sorry to say, you can't have the psychotic cat without the Cantankerous Caretaker, or the beloved Mr. A. Filch. He seems to be under the impression that I am harboring some evil spell on my person that attracts cats. So I get the nastiest Filch glare possible when I walk past him in the hallway. And I'm not one to refuse a good staring contest, so I glare back. That seems to make our adored caretaker like me all the more, as he has resorted to giving me detention every time Mrs. Norris even glances in my direction. It's actually pretty hilarious when Filch finds Mrs. Norris tailing me on one of my late night escapades. First he flips out, and tries to shoo her away, but that never works, because evidently, I am much more appealing than Filch. So Filch whips out his stash of Magical Catnip (which I think he is secretly addicted to) and lures her away. In all the hullabaloo he doesn't even remember to give me detention for being out after hours, but simply resorts to carrying around Mrs. Norris for the next several days while avoiding me like the plague. I actually find the whole situation with Filch as hilarious, but most others tend to think of him as a sadistic evil goon. I think he's really just misunderstood with more than a few eccentric oddities, just a funny old man when you come down to it. He serves his roll as Cantankerous Caretaker with utmost enthusiasm and perfection, even if the Twins personally think that he would be better suited under the roll of evil goon.

With the spot of Cantankerous Caretaker already taken, Hagrid is left to fill the role of loveable giant, well loveable giant who has a passion for dangerous creatures. I almost got eaten by a spider when Rave and I followed him into the Forbidden Forest one night. The sad part was that everyone thought we were making it up until I told the story to Ron Weasley one night after a rather boisterous Quidditch party in my fourth year. The kid just got pale, and walked away mumbling something about crazy giants and following the spiders. Me and Skrewts aren't a good idea either actually. Come to think of it, me and every creature that Hagrid has ever taken a liking to just don't get along. With the exception of Fang, Fang and I understand each other. We're both cowards and scared of the dark.

But if you want my honest opinion, then Hagrid doesn't even rank on my list of top two most dangerous people in the world. That particular honor is reserved for the Weasley Twins, who function nicely as the Willy Wonkas of my fairy tale. However, their inventions usually don't have anything to do with chocolate to my disappointment. It's usually something to get us out of Quidditch Practice with Wood, or to get us in trouble with the Slytherins. Not that I really object to either one. Who doesn't want to get away from a Quidditch crazed dictator who has taken just one too many balls to the head? And I am a known troublemaker with a strong thirst for mischief with a hint of revenge. It's not my fault that troublemaker, mischief and revenge just happen to spell out 'Pranking the Slytherins', besides, I've got Fred and George to take the fall, so it's all good. Every fairy tale is entitled to a bit of mischief and revenge, right?

As in every decent fairy tale, the main character usually has some friends…. Great friends actually. Kinda like the talking mice from Cinderella now that I think about it. However, it's not really easy for me to tell you who is my resident best friend. Since I was about two it's been Cho and Abs, but that sorta dissolved when we hit Hogwarts and puberty. Then Ang and Ali adopted me in my awkward no friends stage. But I guess I am probably closest to Nat, Aer, and Gwen. Don't get me wrong, I am still really good friends with Ang, Ali, Abs and Cho, but after living in the same room as someone, you usually end up pretty close. But as for best friend, I'm pretty sure Rafe would have to take the cake for that. Me and Pip are pretty close too, and Luke isn't so bad when he's not around Mean Jerk McLaggen. But I as far as my guy friends go, the Twins and I have a pretty tight bond, it started about the moment I told them that I aspired to be a prankster, it was basically love from first sight. But the Twins aren't really the kinda guys that you can tell secrets to, or talk about stuff with. That's where Rafe came in. I'm not sure how we ended up friends, but he's like a brother, well more than a brother. A brother who is also a best friend, if that ever happens. Because let me tell yah, I am not best friends with my brothers, but that could be do the fact that they are twelve years older than me and have always been over-protective gits. I'm told that the over-protective-ness is just their unique way of showing that they care, but I think it's just a way for them to make sure that their baby sister never has a decent date in her life.

Of course, if I have to have the dumb brothers, then I at least deserve the hot older guy of the story, right? Well if you said no then I hate you. Prepare to die. But as far as hot older guys go, I definitely like Charlie Weasley. Now I'll have you know that I have only met the guy once, and he doesn't even know my name. But that doesn't mean that I can't dream about him right? If he was any hotter, he'd be on fire. But basically that is a fantasy, a nice day dream that I save for History of Magic. Lucky for me, I am surrounded by hot dense guys that have no clue that I am alive. Well Oliver knows that I am alive, but he's a Quidditch maniac and just sees me as a way to win the cup. It also doesn't help that I am completely clueless when it comes to having a good relationship with a guy in anything other than a 'just friends' kinda way. It also doesn't help that I have disastrous first dates, on account of my older brothers following me around and messing everything up. Let's just say that I am still waiting to find a nice toad to kiss and turn into Prince Charming.

Harry Potter is undoubtedly the knight-in-shining-armor. Don't ask me why, but it just seems to me that Harry always ends up saving the day. Some weird hero complex…maybe he was bullied a lot as a child? But I sincerely doubt he'll save me and then I'll fall in love with him and live happily ever after like in the movies, but it's worth a shot. Besides, the kid's saved me twice already, even if he doesn't think that saving someone from falling down the stairs counts as life-saving. So I think that since he's already saved me twice already, his chances of saving me again are pretty good. And third time is the charm… Maybe he'll really save my life one of these days.

So basically that leaves me with the only open roll. The Damsel in Distress. Oh Merlin… who in their right mind would call me a Damsel? The in distress part I can understand, but damsel is a bit much, even for me, and I am a chronic over-exaggerator. It's a very serious condition that is only afflicted on girls like me. Anyways, there you have it. That's my fairy tale…If you can even call it that. Because I am pretty sure that Harry won't be my hero, I won't fall in love with Prince Charming, and I'm pretty sure that no amount of magic will make me fall in love with 'Happily Ever After'. Plus there is the minor problem with the bad guys majorly outnumbering the good guys. And I don't know about you, but that just doesn't bode well for a good outcome to me. So that's it. My fairy tale. Or better yet… my fairy tale on crack.

Author's Note: I've had this story in my head for a long time. It's really fun to write, which is probably the main reason it is being written. The format will be kind of sporadic. It will be Katie Bell talking about her life. It won't necessarily be in any chronological order, just memories of things that have happened to her, or things that are happening at the moment. She'll have a lot of flashbacks, so if you aren't a flashback fan then this isn't the story for you. Katie has had a lot of undocumented exploits over the years that are just waiting to be revealed. She'll realize some good life lessons along the way and date more than a few losers. Maybe she'll end up with the right guy by the end? And don't worry… it won't be Harry… or Filch.

Much Love!

-Sarak