So there's a wonderful video on YouTube titled Bucky Barnes - Дело No17 that you should all check out, and it was that video that inspired this fic after I spent the whole of this week with the background song "Mercury" by Sleeping At Last on repeat.
I've been told it makes it even more powerful to have that song playing in the background while you read, so if that's your cup of tea I highly recommend it.
Standard disclaimer (if you recognize something, it's not mine) applies.
And holy crap, something of mine not rated M. Stop the press!
Replace the periods in my username with dashes, and you've got my Tumblr username. *hint hint*
Anyhoo, I hope you enjoy it. Please leave me a quick review at the end, I will be checking my email obsessively for the next week or so looking for them. :)
Steve knocked on the door to Bruce's tower apartment, nerves making his hands tremble slightly. He took a breath, reminded himself it was only Bruce, and that if he could trust anyone it was him. A few moments later, the door opened and Bruce smiled, stepping aside as he greeted him.
"Hey Steve, come on in. What brings you here?"
Steve swallowed nervously. "I, uh, had an idea for that party this weekend but I need to run it by someone before I decide whether or not I'm going to do it."
"Sure, what is it?" he asked, politely curious yet recognizing Steve's nerves.
"Well," Steve sighed, biting his lip briefly. "Back in the day when Bucky and I shared a place I used to sing along with the radio at night and he always loved it, said I had a real good voice and all that. So there was this song I wanted to sing but he's the only one who's ever heard me, and for all I know he was just biased. I really don't want to do it thinking I'm good and then find out I'm terrible," he explained with a wry grin.
"And you want me to..." Bruce trailed off.
"Just, uh, listen," Steve blushed slightly. "You're really the only person I trust to tell me the truth and not give me a hard time if I'm awful."
Bruce chuckled. "I can do that." He sat down on his couch, leaned back and relaxed against the cushions while Steve wiped his hands nervously on his pants.
"Uh, okay," he said uncertainly, taking a few deep breaths. "I've been working on it on my own since I heard about the party. Jarvis, just start it whenever."
Music began playing through speakers in the walls almost immediately, and Steve took another deep breath before closing his eyes, trying his best to pretend he was still alone in his apartment. He recognized the lead up to his intro and started singing softly, words memorized long before he'd actually come up with this idea. The song had reminded him of Bucky from the first time he'd heard it, laying in the hospital bed with Sam's ipod on shuffle. As the song continued he felt himself relaxing, emotion gathering in his chest as he almost moved with the words falling effortlessly from his mouth. He'd always enjoyed singing to himself, and eventually to Bucky when he'd quit being so shy.
By the time the music drew to a close he had all but forgotten Bruce's presence in the room, having gotten lost in the song pretending Bucky was already in front of him. When he opened his eyes he was shocked to find that the other man's were a tad shinier than normal, and he had to clear his throat briefly before speaking.
"That was excellent actually, Steve. You're talented," he said quietly, sincerity obvious in his voice. Steve nodded, relieved.
"And, uh, the song?" he asked, still somewhat timid.
"Very fitting," he assured. "I look forward to it."
"Thanks Bruce," Steve nodded, turning to leave again. Now he knew for sure he was going to do it he had to tell Tony, and then practice it about ten thousand more times.
...
A whole floor of the tower had been designated for the party, one that Steve didn't even know the actual purpose of. All he knew was Tony was throwing something or other that required the entire team and at least a hundred guests to dress up in their most expensive clothing, along with representatives of several major media outlets, for some reason or another. Their presence made him so nervous he could barely breathe, he hadn't banked on a national audience.
He discreetly made his way over to Bruce and Tony, leaning against the bar speaking quietly.
"Is it too late to back out?" He asked them quietly, jerking his head to the news cameras.
"Uh, a little," Tony answered, giving him a mildly alarmed look.
Bruce patted his shoulder in comfort. "Don't worry, you've got nothing to be nervous about. He's crazy about you, and you've got a great voice." He nodded in Bucky's direction, directing his gaze to where the other man was in conversation with Natasha and Clint. After a couple of moments Bucky felt the eyes on him and searched the room, beaming from ear to ear when he caught Steve's eye. His heart thumped oddly in his chest, and his nerves abated slightly.
He nodded, taking a deep breath and grabbing a glass of water from a passing waiter. "Thanks guys."
As the party went on people gathered in the middle of the floor, dancing slowly to music played by a DJ in the corner. With about ten minutes to spare he caught sight of Tony waving at him from the corner of his eye, beckoning him to where the DJ was set up.
"Your mic," Tony said by way of explanation the moment Steve was close enough to him, pinning something small high on his lapel. He nodded, hands starting to tremble slightly. Tony noticed. "Don't worry Cap. As nice as Bruce is, he's not a liar. If he says you're good, then you're good."
Steve nodded, knowing Bruce wouldn't let him go out and make a fool of himself. "Thanks Tony."
The other man nodded. "Knock 'em dead."
Steve wound his way through the crowd over to Bucky, smiling at the people he was talking to as he took him by the arm to the edge of the makeshift dance floor with about two minutes left.
"I have a surprise for you," he told him quietly. "Next song dance with me, okay?"
Bucky gave him a surprised look, cutting his eyes discreetly to the media reps scattered around the edges. "Seriously?"
"I wasn't planning on them either," he admitted, "But I don't care." He smiled, cupping Bucky's cheek with his hand. "All they can do is glare now Buck," he said softly.
Bucky nodded just as the song ended. "Okay."
Steve took him by the hand and led him slowly to the middle of the room just as the DJ cut off the music completely and tapped a mic, gathering the crowd's attention.
"Alright everyone, if we could get some space in the middle of the floor, Captain Rogers has something special planned."
A spotlight flashed on and followed them until they stopped, turning to each other. Steve's heart picked up speed when he noticed from the corner of his eye that every camera in the room, including those broadcasting live intermittently, were trained on them. One of his hands found Bucky's waist, and the fingers of the other wove through metal as Bucky's hand moved to rest on his shoulder. He sucked in a deep breath, gave a minute nod, and the music began flowing around them.
Despite the fact he was technically leading he could feel Bucky subtly guiding them, sensing that Steve's mind wasn't completely on the dancing. He was kind of shocked Bucky hadn't noticed the addition to his lapel, but then again maybe he had and just hadn't commented. Recognizing his cue, Steve opened his mouth and began the first lines of the song.
"Rows of houses,
Sound asleep.
Only street lights
Notice me."
Bucky's head whipped toward the speakers before returning to Steve, noticing his mouth forming the words and then cutting down to the mic. He locked eyes with Steve again and a smile grew on his face, the kind that would be called sappy on anyone else. He squeezed Bucky's hand as he moved into the next verse, knowing the significance wouldn't be lost on him.
"I am desperate,
If nothing else,
In a holding pattern
To find myself."
The happy grin slid slowly from Bucky's face, replaced by a quiet seriousness as he realized this wasn't some lighthearted, meaningless romantic gesture. Steve squeezed his hand again, blue eyes meeting blue as he continued on. He could feel every eye in the room on him now, but with Bucky's hand on his waist he found he couldn't care less what they thought. The only person who mattered was right in his arms.
"I talk in circles,
I talk in circles,
I watch for signals,
For a clue."
Bucky's mouth fell open the littlest bit as the lyrics registered, no doubt shocked. Whether by the accuracy or the fact that Steve had noticed something he'd tried so hard to hide, he couldn't be sure. Holding him a little tighter, Steve carried on as they moved in a slow circle.
"How to feel different.
How to feel new.
Like science fiction
Bending truth."
Bucky snorted very softly at the last line, not loud enough for the mic to pick up but enough to make Steve's lips quirk in the pause before he started singing again. He let his volume pick up with the next line, feeling tears prick at the corners of his eyes as he remembered that awful time when he thought he'd lost the most important person in his life.
"No one can unring this bell,
Unsound this alarm, unbreak my heart new."
It was clear Bucky caught the meaning Steve was trying to convey with the words, because his hand tightened around Steve's and he gave him a soft smile in spite of the tears forming at the corners of his own eyes. Around them he could hear the soft, hushed 'aww's as the latest phrase registered. Everyone here, hell, by now almost everyone everywhere knew their story, even if they didn't know all of it until now. Sure, in the morning newspapers and news channels would show pictures and clips of this dance, maybe this exact moment, and he couldn't think of anything that made him happier than being able to tell the world how in love he was with this man.
"God knows, I am dissonance
Waiting to be swiftly pulled into tune."
He moved their intertwined hands over briefly, just long enough to touch Bucky's jaw and nudge him so they were perfectly facing each other.
"I'll go anywhere you want,
Anywhere you want,
Anywhere you want me."
A lone tear brimmed over the lid of a dark blue eye, tracing down his cheek to mingle with dark scruff before falling off his jawline. Steve pulled him the slightest bit closer.
"I'll go anywhere you want,
Anywhere you want,
Anywhere you want me."
Bucky's chin had barely started to tremble as more tears threatened, something he tried to stop by biting down on his lower lip as the verse repeated itself again.
"I'll go anywhere you want,
Anywhere you want,
Anywhere you want me."
A couple more tears found their way down Bucky's cheeks, and he let go of his hand to bring both to his waist. He took a step closer, bringing them almost chest to chest as their steps slowed, letting a couple of his own tears fall.
"I'll go anywhere you want,
Anywhere you want me."
The next lines fell from his mouth quickly as he moved toward the most intense part of the song.
"I know the further I go,
The harder I try, only keeps my eyes closed."
He swallowed thickly before he went on, wishing desperately that he could clear his throat without the mic picking it up. He stopped their slow movement briefly, just long enough to bring his hands to either side of Bucky's face, cupping it gently as their eyes met.
"And somehow I've fallen in love
With this middle ground at the cost of my soul."
A flurry of flashbulbs went off all around them, and Steve knew he would be seeing this exact moment on the front page of every paper for the next week. He wondered whose countenance would be more captivating to people, his own as he bared his heart or Bucky's, wide-eyed with emotion and streaked with tears. His hands found their way back to Bucky's waist, and they continued moving as he went on.
"Yet I know, if I stepped aside,
Released the controls, you would open my eyes.
That somehow, all of this mess
Is just my attempt to know the worth of my life…"
It was Bucky's turn to cup Steve's face, though with one hand instead of two, and his mic picked up Bucky's whispered, "Steve..."
Steve swallowed hard as the next verse came up, knowing it was the one that would either make or break the entire thing.
"Made of precious metals,
Precious metals,
Precious metals inside."
Bucky's mouth dropped open all the way when the words registered in his brain, and what tears had remained quivering precariously on top of his lower lid came spilling over. More took their place and fell too as Steve kept on, taking Bucky's chin gently in one hand to be sure he didn't look away. Steve didn't want him to miss the sincerity in his eyes and voice as the words repeated.
"Made of precious metals,
Precious metals,
Precious metals inside."
They dropped all pretense of dancing as Bucky's tears began to fall too thick and heavy for him to see clearly, instead collapsing onto the shoulder without the mic as a sob tore up from his chest. Steve's arms wound around him, closing his eyes and holding him tightly as he drew to a close.
"Made of precious metals,
Precious metals,
Precious metals,
Precious metals."
Steve threaded his fingers through his hair, tightening his arms even more as Bucky broke down on his shoulder, face buried in the side of Steve's neck as the words washed over him.
"I'll go anywhere you want,
Anywhere you want,
Anywhere you want me."
He sang the last line just barely loud enough to be picked up by his mic, turning his head to deliver the words directly into Bucky's ear instead.
"I'll go anywhere you want,
Anywhere you want me."
As soon as the music died off the entire room exploded into cheers and applause, making him blush as the spell wore off and it dawned on him that he had really done that for what amounted to the entire country. Bucky's shoulders were shaking under his hands, but he lifted his head from Steve's shoulder and looked at him with red-rimmed eyes. Before he had quite realized what was going on Bucky had pulled him forward into a kiss, far less chaste than they usually exchanged in front of any sort of company and flashes of light blinded him even from behind his eyelids.
Nevertheless Steve curled both arms around him, cupping the back of his head with one hand as their tongues slid along each other briefly. They broke away slowly and rested their foreheads together, breathing far more heavily than the situation called for.
Steve didn't realize his mic was still on as he spoke, broadcasting his words to the entire room.
"I love you so much, Bucky."
He couldn't have cared less if the entire world heard him.
...
Later that night Bucky lay sprawled across Steve's chest, listening to the slow, steady beat that was so different from the erratic racing of their youth. Steve's hands trailed slowly along his back, tracing his spine and shoulder blades. His right hesitated just shy of Bucky's left shoulder reflexively, knowing from long experience Bucky would prefer it didn't exist.
"If you want," Bucky began quietly, "You can, um..." he trailed off awkwardly before wiggling his metal fingers.
"You don't mind?" Steve asked quickly. He was so used to Bucky's constant denial, refusing to let him touch the arm when he didn't need to. Bucky shrugged his shoulders lazily, still not quite comfortable with the idea. But if it was something Steve wanted this badly, it was the least he could give him.
"Why not?" He returned quietly, hauling himself into a sitting position, angling himself so his left side was toward Steve. Steve followed suit and reached out slowly, hands stopping just short of the metal as he gave an inquiring look. Bucky nodded, and Steve closed the gap between his fingers and the metal plates. He let his fingers explore it slowly, tracing the seam where flesh became metal and following the grooves between plates, staring in fascination when they shifted as Bucky twisted it, clenched the fist. Neither spoke for several minutes.
"It was beautiful," Bucky said at long last, out of nowhere.
"Hmm?" Steve asked, somewhat distracted by the smooth movement as he manipulated the arm's position.
"The song," Bucky clarified, succeeding in getting Steve's full attention. "It was beautiful."
Steve gave him a cautiously hopeful look. "You liked it?"
Bucky paused, then nodded. "Yeah. It was... enlightening," he decided at last.
Steve smiled, bringing metal knuckles to his lips and kissing them gently. "Precious metal," he sang quietly, before placing another kiss on the back of his hand. "Precious metal," he repeated, another kiss on the back of his wrist.
Steve worked all the way up like that, drawing more tears from Bucky's eyes when each kiss was emphasized with a melodic repeat of the phrase.
He drew Bucky into his arms with only token resistance before submitting and settling on Steve's lap, head tilted to the side to rest on a broad shoulder. A soft humming came from his throat that Bucky recognized as the same song, and he smiled in spite of himself.
Steve must have noticed, because suddenly the words were forming again, a quiet a capella rendition of the verses that hit them both the hardest. One verse in particular made him shiver, cuddling tighter into Steve's chest.
"No one can unring this bell,
Unsound this alarm, unbreak my heart new."
Bucky could hear Steve's voice crack on the words unbreak my heart, and he found himself taking the next line from memory as it resonated somewhere deep inside him.
"God knows, I am dissonance
Waiting to be swiftly pulled into tune."
Steve's arms tightened around him and his head fell to Bucky's shoulder, hot wetness hitting the bare skin there. He worked his arms around Steve's waist, twisting himself until he straddled the larger man's lap in order to hold him more easily.
"I love you too, Steve" Bucky whispered into his hair, pressing a soft kiss there. "I love you too."