I feel so...well, not necessarily dirty, but...writing and posting this. Like, I've never written anything with this kind of humor. Even though most of it is okay. I feel kinda bad. And I hope you guys forgive me. Seriously. I don't want to lose fans because of this. It was kind of a dare by Lily (EdwardsLily here on FF), of course. So...yeah.
I have a twisted sense of humor.
So it might be pretty confusing.
So, if you don't get it...
that's okay.
Quick warning and disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, or Wicked. And...please don't take of this seriously. Please. This was just for fun. I'm sorry in advance if I insult anybody with it.
The E-List
Featuring: Edward, Elli, Elphie, Mike
By the strange mechanics of plot, four very, very different people were crammed together in a train. Edward Cullen (the amazingly amazing vampire), Elli (the author of this fic), Elphie (the green witch from Wicked), and Mike (a very annoying Twilight character). Edward and Mike knew each other, of course, but they weren't acquainted with Elli or Elphie. And Elli and Elphie didn't know each other, either. Elli was, however, sitting next to the green witch, and Edward and Mike were in the seat behind them. It was a strange twist of fate.
Elli turned to Elphie. "Hi. I'm Elli. And you are…?" Edward was listening, interested in the green person, but didn't dare say anything. Elli seemed like a person that could talk forever. Mike's attention was also caught.
"Elphaba. I'm a witch." Elli thought she looked familiar. Perhaps from a book or something? No, she thought. Just some strange twist of fate and plot.
"A witch? Shouldn't you have, like, a broom and a black cat or something?" Edward chuckled quietly under his breath at Elli.
"Nope. Not today." Elphie smiled, pulling a book from her bag. Elli shrugged, and turned to look out the window.
Mike, not realizing that the conversation could have ended there, had to say something. He acted dumb, pretending that this was the first time noticing the green person sitting in front of him.
"Hey, you're green!" Mike said from the seat behind Elphie. Elphie sighed and continued reading her book, ignoring Mike.
"Maybe more of a…eau-de-nil (pale green color) color, Mike. Not so much green." Elli explained, turning in her seat so she was half toward Mike and half toward Elphie. Mike held a confused expression. Elli had yet to notice Edward.
"No. Defiantly green. Eau-de-nil is a paler color green. And her green is, obviously, green." Edward countered.
Elphie sighed, turning away from the three people. She tried to lose herself in the book she was reading, but the chatter of Elli, Edward, and Mike were overwhelming.
"Oh my Daniel Crickets! You're EDWARD CULLEN!" Elli, being a crazed Twilight fan, recognized the musical voice that rang from the seat behind her. "Wait. You're fictional. Not that I'm complaining or anything, but didn't Steph create you? Like, from a dream or something? Who cares, anyway? Lily is going to be so jealous. Oh! And wait until I tell Nora. She'll be crazy. And –" Elli would have continued her rant, but Edward cut her off.
"You talk a lot. You just might cause an ecocide (destruction of environment) from your ecphonensis (excitement)."
"Psh. You're just jealous."
"And why, may I ask, am I jealous?" Edward exhaled roughly as Elli thought for a moment.
"Because. I study emetology."
"You study vomiting?"
"Dammit. You're smarter than I thought." Elli, frustrated from her lack of knowledge at Edward's intelligence, turned back to Elphie. "So, Elphie. Aren't you, like, fictional, too? Well, I guess you can be portrayed on Broadway, but, logically…" Elli realized that Elphie was indeed from a book. Like Edward.
Elphie closed her eyes and hoped that the three of them would disappear. But, to her dismay, when she opened them, Elli's curious eyes were bright with excitement. "I suppose I'm fictional. But if I truly wasn't real, would I be talking to you right now?"
Elli huffed. "You people. So weird. I thought characters would be a bit more…eellogofusciouhipoppokunurious (good)."
"You use a lot of ecthlipsis (omitting one or more sounds in pronouncing a word). It's getting quite annoying." Edward, trying to suppress the conversation into nothing, was failing. Elli was much too persistent to let this conversation end.
"And you emicate (to sparkle). That can get annoying, too."
"But I'm a vampire. Vampires sparkle. It's what we do. Deal with it."
Mike, confused by all the large words beginning with "e," interjected for the first time. "Wait. What? You're a vampire? Whoa. That's pretty sweet, man. But emicate and eellogofusciouhipoppokunurious…? Help?"
Edward and Elphie shared a sigh at the same time. This was going to be a very over the top conversation, they thought. "Yes. I'm a vampire. If you paid attention, you would have known this sooner. It's fairly easy to catch."
"Wait. You were so reluctant to tell Bella in the books, but now you're proclaiming you're an ephemeromorph (life form that cannot be classified as animal or vegetable) to the world?" Elphie questioned, her interest now sparked. Mike continued to stare in confusion while Elli glanced between Elphie and Edward.
Edward looked around the empty train car quickly. "Sorry to tell you this, Elphie, but the car seems to be vacant of any people."
Mike cocked his head to the side, narrowing his eyes, but Elli opened her mouth before Mike could get a word in. "Are you like, an engastrimyth (ventriloquist) or something? This train was packed full just a minute ago…" Elli bit her nail nervously. This was becoming just too weird. Even for her.
Edward stared at her. Mike glared, uncomprehending anything that was being said, at the wall. Elphie tried to engulf herself back in her book. Elli was smirking, holding the stare with Edward. Everything remained silent for a brief moment, before Mike finally wanted to get a word in edge wise. "So. Let me try to understand this," he said, still staring at nothing. Elli and Edward didn't break their contest. "Edward is a vampire. Elphie is green. Elli is…Elli. And I'm Mike. Confused as hell."
"That sounds about right." Elphie said into the thick air. "Hey, Mike, do you realize that you're the only person that name doesn't start with 'e?'" Elphie hoped that this would shut Mike up for a while. Everyone was annoying her now.
Suddenly, Elli had a thought. What if I pried for information? She thought. That would be too fun.
"Twenty questions? Er, something like it." Elli asked Edward, a grin forming. She ignored Elphie and Mike, though she heard them fine.
Edward smiled crookedly, almost causing Elli to lose the staring contest. Her eyes were beginning to water, however…
Mike and Elphie turned their attention, interested at Elli's sudden declaration.
"Shoot." Edward replied, dark humor dancing at his perfect features.
"Are you eidolism (belief of ghosts)?" Elli asked, racking her fogged brain for obscure questions. She was hoping to find out some information having to do with Breaking Dawn, but was starting out totally off topic.
"I suppose. Never gave much thought to ghosts, though. Do you always try to be this…emberlucock (to confuse)?" Edward asked, smiling as Elli blinked, closing the contest.
Elli let a string of profanities escape quietly before answering. "Sometimes. It's fun to confuse people. My turn. Um…" Elli thought for a moment, and then suddenly giggled at her choice for the next question. "Are you erotophobic (fear of sex)?" She asked, laughing hysterically internally. Elphie giggled from her seat. Elli has some interesting questions, she thought. And a pretty good sense of humor. Mike however, was beginning to feel very stupid, not understanding these unusual words that just happen to keep beginning with "e."
Edward gaped at her. "Of course not! Are you always this strange?" he asked in disgust.
"Yep. Sure am. Next question…hmmm…how do you have such good encraty (self-control)? It's amazing, really."
"Decades of practice. My turn." Edward smiled evilly. "Are you eurotophobic (ahem. Look this one up for yourself…)?"
"YOU'RE SICK! Twisted mind. God! Of course not! I AM a girl. Common sense, Edward." Elphie burst out laughing, while Mike continued to be…confused. As usual. "Ugh. Next question. Have you composed an epithalamion (song or poem composed for weddings)?"
"Nope. Not planning on doing one, either. That's Alice's business."
Elli sighed heavily. "But that would be so amazing! Just think of great it would be in the fourth book! When it comes out, of course, but…" Elli was cut off my Edward's musical voice.
"I believe it's my turn, Elli." Again with the evil grin. "Do you suffer from enuresis (uncontrollable urination)?" Elli's jaw dropped. Edward, she realized, had a much more twisted sense of humor than Steph let leak out in the book.
Elli struggled for words for a moment, her anger rising. Of course she didn't suffer from enuresis, but, frankly, she was slightly appalled that at the question. "NO!" she practically screamed from her seat. Edward continued to grin.
"You may want to hush down a little, Elli. The passengers are beginning to question your sanity." Elli glanced around quickly, noticing for the first time that the train car was now full – full of people that were giving awkward looks their way. Elphie and Mike laughed, and Edward, his golden eyes like liquid, stared at Elli.
Then Elli grinned triumphantly. "You're just trying the hide the fact that Bella chooses Jake in Breaking Dawn, aren't you? Giving me repulsive questions so I wouldn't think to ask you about that. Am I right?"
It was Edward's turn to look shocked. "So, what you're saying is that I am a time traveler? That I went forward into time, all the way through Breaking Dawn, and then chose to come back here. Sitting in a train with you, this green witch, and…Mike?" Edward threw a cruel glance at Mike, and he sunk back into his seat.
"Yeah. Because you were so ashamed that Bella didn't choose you. So, hoping to turn time around, you arrived here, to think things through. And possibly change the outcome of the book. So that Bella chooses you, and there will be a lot more happy fans."
"Is this all epideictic (done for show)?" Elphie spoke for the first time since Elli and Edward started "twenty questions." "Are you just trying to confuse people, and you two are in this together, trying to hide the true evidence that…Bella…dies or something?"
Edward, Elli, and Mike stared at Elphie. Elli spoke first. "That made no sense." Edward and Mike nodded their head in agreement.
An awkward silence rung through the air for a long moment. "Anyway…" Elli broke the silence, of course.
"Yes. Anyway. I believe it is my turn, Elli," Edward said, resuming their questioning with each other.
"Oh. God." Elli breathed, nervous. "Continue…"
"Do you tend to have erethism (abnormal irritability)?"
"Uh, no. Not normally. Does Bella become enceinte (pregnant) with Jake's baby?" Elli was enjoying the discomfort Edward was obviously feeling.
"Not that I believe. Because then, Jacob would be dead now. Because I would have killed him."
"So, what you're saying is that Jake dies in the book? Tsk, tsk Edward. You should know better than murder!"
Edward sighed. Mike looked like he was trying to solve a very difficult math problem in his head, and Elphie was reading her book again, a smirk pulling her lips up. "Would you please continue, Elli?"
"So you admit it. You DO kill Jake! That's horrible! Of course, I never really liked Jake in the first place, but still! How'd you do it?" Elli's enthusiasm was running Edward low on energy.
"I cornered him, and then threw empasm (deodorant powder) in his eyes. Preceding that, I knocked him out, and then carried him to a large hole that so confidently dug up in the middle of woods. I dumped his body in the hole, and then threw tulips over his body, performing a ritual of the dead. But by this point, he was expergefacient (waking up), however. So I popped a balloon full of water in his face and broke his jaw. And then he was pretty badly bruised and such, so he jumped off a cliff," Edward replied smugly. Of course he was being sarcastic, but it was much too much fun to kid around with Elli. "So, technically, he committed suicide."
Elli was stunned. She knew was lying by the tone of his voice, but it seemed impossible that he thought up an explanation that quickly. She decided to play dumb. "Wow, Edward! That's, like, so amazing!" Elli was using her valley girl voice, which caused a few more stares from the people on the train. "I like, totally, wish I could, like, be that amazing! Like, it would totally be the best thing in, like, the universe!"
Elphie turned to stare while Mike continued to figure out whatever was happening in that little mind of his.
"Never again, please. That was just strange." Edward sighed.
"Whatever. You need to work on your tone, by the way. When you're trying to lie, I mean. It sounds so fake. I saw right through your sarcasm." Elli replied, slightly frustrated.
Edward rolled his eyes. "I wasn't trying to lie well. That much was obvious, even for Mike." Mike turned his attention to Edward at the sound of his name. Like a golden retriever, Elli thought. "My turn," Edward added. "Are you eisoptrophobic (fear of looking in mirrors)?"
"WHAT? Are you saying I'm ugly? I'm so ugly that I'm afraid to look into the mirror? You have such a crude sense of humor! UGH! And, no. I'm not. Are you epistaxiophobic (fear of nosebleeds)?" Elli, now angry to fullest, chose the first thing that came to mind.
"Nope. Enetophobic (fear of pins)?"
Elli shook her head. "Eremophobic (Fear of being oneself or of loneliness)?"
"Of course not. Hm. Are you…" Edward began, but Elphie cut him off.
"You want to know what my phobia is? Ephebiphobia (fear of teenagers)! Ugh. You people are so annoying."
Edward and Elli looked down sheepishly. Mike turned back to his thinking, and Elphie angrily turned back to her book. Abruptly, the conductor appeared beside their seats, wearing a deep frown. "Could you turn it down a touch? There have been some complaints."
"By who?" Elli asked.
"ME!" Then, he turned and walked away.
"Well. This was an interesting conversation. Not a touch of eutrapely (pleasantness in conversations)." Edward sighed.
"You can say that again." Elphie agreed. Elli nodded her head. The train was beginning to slow, and the station was coming into view.
Then Mike broke into a wild grin. "ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM!" The other three turned to look at him.
"Mike, do you even know what that means?" Elphie asked.
"Uh. No…"
They sighed in unison.
"Antidisestablishmentarianism…?" Mike said once again, much quieter, in a much smaller voice. It was more of a question.
"You just keep on thinking that Mike. Just keep on thinking that," Elli said, standing up. The train had stopped, and passengers were gathering by the door to exit.
Mike smiled to himself, smug. "Antidisestablishmentarianism."
Eww.
I probably shouldn't post this. It's so bad and strange. But it was fun to write.
And a new experience for me.
Like it? Hate it? Review, please.
I would love you forever.
:)