disclaimer: this is a short angsty story on Edward's feelings about Al's predicament. This contains MAJOR HAGAREN MOVIE SPOILERS (WITH SLIGHT PLOT TWIST)! just warning you

-metalraven ;)

never meant to leave you

I walked into your room for the 100th time that day. You sat there, on your stripped wooden bed, holding a kitten, being careful as for your armor not to pull out fur. I knew that if you had eyes you would cry, lungs you would sob, and the sensation of feeling you would wrap your arms around yourself. But, you don't. That's where I come in.

I cannot say that I am proud of what I have done to you. How could I? I am not heartless, no matter what people say. I am Edward Elric, your brother. I will always be that. I may lose my State Alchemist title, I may lose my own soul in sin, but I will always be your elder brother.

Now that we...you have finally settled down, time passes slower. It seems like I have to count the seconds, the minuets, the hours, or time will refuse to pass. This is equivalent exchange. This is how we live...you live.We are alchemists, and life will always be about equivalent exhange.

How can I tell you about the days my life ended? Both days-the one where my mind went blank, save thoughts on never getting you back, and the day I truelly left this world. The day I went practically insane was the day I found out that human blood, the making of life, was the main ingredient of the Stone. The other day, the one where I left this world, was the day I put in that ingredient...in the form of myself.

Alphonse, can you forgive me? I ask this as your brother, even in death. Why did I mess up our lives, especially yours? Mother was important, yes, but father was out there, somewhere. We were not orphans, and yet, you desired, no, aspired, to make me happy. You went along with my burning down our home, and leaving our life behind. You are only here because of my selfishness. If I had just let you die, lie there behind the gate, I would meet you, and mother,in happiness. But, no.I decided that I could not live without you, could not breathe without you. But, now that I am the way I am, I cannot take back anything, cannot hold anything, cannot feel anything. Not even the love I felt as your brother. The love I felt for mother, you, and, I do admit, father...gone. I caused this orphaning. I know your thoughts. You hate me. Please, don't visit me because you feel bad.

You put down the cat, and stand, armor creaking. You walk out of the room, unable to feel as you bump into me. I silently follow you down the hall, into the library. I watch you sit down at the desk, and get out paper and a pen. I sit in silence on the floor as I watch you. If you weren't my brother, I would consider myself to be stalking. But, considering my predicament, I cannot part from this place. You stand, and glance at a childhood picture of us. I am smiling, right thumb up, and you're caught in the grip of my left elbow. We look so happy...I wish to be in that time.

I'm sorry, Al. If I could redo anything, I would live without mother, or at least, persuade you that I do not deserve the earth, and do not, please, do not use this alchemy for gaining...equivalent exchange says I must go. No...Al...DON'T!

My last words to you. The bright light blinded us both, and you fell, dead, and my metal limbs gone. I cried for the second time in my life...remember Nina? I couldn't live without you...and I learned the literalcy of those thoughts.

My alchemist transmutation worked, the armor came back to life. I took the Philosopher's Stone out of my pocket, looking depressed. The words "gomen nasai, I'm sorry" came to mind. The stone grew red in light, and surrounded us both. You yelled, "Niisan, brother! IIE...DON'T! Iie niisan!"

I didn't listen, the world hated me anyway. I smiled as the light surrounded me. I was getting, finally, what I so deserved for playing God. The light cut into my skin, the alchemic power binding with my blood. I left you, Al, in the time you needed me most.

That's why I must greave here. I left you to deal with my mistakes. I am such a wonderful brother, aren't I? You can never, and will never, think that. You will not remember me in love...only in hatred. That is what I want. Equivalent exchange also says you should feel this way. Alphonse, you cannot forgive me, I know...I am only a ghost, silently watching your every move.

There is only one thing I regret not saying, something I should have told you before my ending came. Alphonse...Al...brother...

I want you to know thatI never meant to leave you.

owari

do you want a continuation? R+R if you do! arigato! METALRAVEN