A/N:this is a story that is just supposed to be a laugh.
Harry Potter
And the very bad year
Harry woke up; his arm was leaning over the edge of his bed. It hurt a lot. He looked at it and thought "hold on I swear my arm was bigger than that yesterday".
Then he looked across his room to see his trunk whistling loudly, and trying, but failing, to look innocent.
"Damn trunk, that's the fifth time you've bitten me this week" said Harry to his trunk.
To his horror the trunk seemed to become offended.
It didn't seem to like been called a damn trunk.
Growling loudly, it began to bounce across the room towards Harry, who screamed and ran out the room, tripped, and fell down the stairs.
Hearing all the noise, aunt petunia ran out the kitchen clutching a saucepan, and proceeded to hit Harry, thinking he was a burglar.
After been beaten almost unconscious by Aunt Petunia before she realised it was him,
Harry crawled towards the living room, bruised and leaving a small trail of blood behind him.
He climbed onto the couch and began to nurse his injuries. Unfortunately Dudley had decided to watch television and sat down on the couch where Harry lay.
The sofa then went arghhh, and Dudley thought this was an odd noise for a sofa to make and started jumping up and down on the sofa where Harry lay.
All this jumping up and down unsettled Dudley's stomach, which still had curry in from last night, and before Dudley could stop himself, there was a rude noise and a very bad smell filled the room which caused Harry to choke.
As Dudley had never heard a sofa choke before, he ran up stairs to get something while Harry tried to catch his breath.
Dudley came back a bit later carrying baseball bat, and repeatedly hit what he thought was the sofa, but was really Harry. When Dudley finally realised that it was Harry he was hitting, he said "oh it's you" the he continued hitting Harry.
When Harry saved up enough strength he croaked out, "stop hitting me you over grown pie".
Dudley became very offended at this remark, climbed up on the living room table, and dived onto the sofa.
This caused the sofa to break apart into little pieces, and Harry to fall onto the floor with a loud crash.
At that moment, uncle Vernon came running into the room, his face red with fury.
"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS, BOY?" he yelled at Harry, through a megaphone.
Unfortunately, the megaphone was so powerful that it blasted Harry off the floor, and out the window.
He would have landed on the road, but the neighbours had just come back from the supermarket, carrying their shopping.
This resulted in Harry crashing headlong into them, spilling shopping everywhere.
The woman screamed as if she was been mugged, and proceeded to hit Harry with her handbag.
Her husband picked up Harry by the collar of his shirt, and threw him into the road, causing a car to brake hard, narrowly avoiding him.
At this point Harry's trunk jumped out his bedroom window, growling loudly again.
After devouring the neighbours and the driver of the car, the trunk turned towards Harry, who began crawling down the road as fast as he could.
Just then a police car was driving the other way when he saw this strange sight he stopped his car and said to his radio "officer needing assistance; escaped trunk on privet drive"
A few moments later 3 or 4 police cars pulled into privet drive and a rescue helicopter hovered over head.
Seeing the state Harry was in, the rescue helicopter lowered a harness, and prepared to air lift Harry.
As he was lifted up in the harness however, the trunk jumped and grabbed him by the legs.
As the trunk was so heavy the helicopter couldn't take the weight and fell towards the ground, it would have landed on the ground if the power line hadn't been there.
The helicopter then exploded and Harry, still in the harness with the trunk on his legs, flew through the dursleys living room window where Dudley was standing with his baseball bat.
"STRIKE!" he yelled, and hit Harry with the bat as hard as he could, causing Harry to fly back out the window.
The trunk had dropped off his legs and was now attacking Dudley, who was screaming like a pig (not forgetting he is a pig).
Later Harry went back into the house through the garage where he found uncle Vernon's bent rifle.
Muttering a quick spell, he fixed the rifle, and took it upstairs.
Back in his room he found the trunk growling at him from the corner.
"I've had enough of your antics" he said, pointing the rifle at the now cowering trunk.
"You attack me daily, but today was too much. Now I take my revenge".
BANG BANG BANG
When the trunk did not stop moving, Harry pulled out his wand and conjured a grenade.
Running out from behind his bed, Harry forced the trunk open, and threw the grenade inside.
He slammed the trunk shut and ran out the room, slamming the door behind him.
Just as the door shut, Voldemort appeared behind Harry.
"Harry Potter. We meet again," he said. "Where is that trunk of yours?"
"What do you want with it?" asked Harry.
"It is my last remaining horcrux." Voldemort said. "I must ensure that it remains safe."
Before Harry could respond however, a loud explosion sounded from inside Harry's room, which blew the door off its hinges.
"That was it" Harry said.
However, Voldemort did not respond. Harry looked around and saw that Voldemort had been knocked down the stairs by the door, and now lay unconscious in a pool of blood.
"Oops," said Harry.
Just then, the ministry of magic burst through the window. When they saw Voldemort unconscious, most of them fainted.
The ones that didn't dragged Voldemort away.
Before Harry could do anything, there was a rather loud BANG after which several ministry people dived through the window.
"Harry, get your stuff and get out of here" one of the ministry people said.
"Odd joke, what stuff?" thought Harry as hedisapparated to the Weasleys' house.
What he did not realise was that heapparated ontoa road, just as a car drove past.
The car hit Harry, who flew threw Weasleys' kitchen window, where they were having tea.
Harry landedonthe kitchen table, right on the chicken, causing Mrs. Weasley to scream "ARGHHH THE CHICKEN'S ALIVE!".
She then proceeded to hit what she thought was the chicken with a broom.
"Oh! It's you Harry! My apologies!" said Mrs. Weasley, but Harry did not respond; he was unconscious.
"What are we supposed to do now?" said Ron.
"Put Harry up stairs would you Fred?" said Mrs Weasley.
Fred nodded and he murmured "wingardium leviosa" and floated Harry upstairs, bumping his head against every wall in the house.
When they reached Ron's room, Fred made Harry do a loop in the air, and then crashed him into the bed as hard as he could.
This caused the bed to go through the floors, eventually smashing into the ground.
By this time, the bed had fallen to pieces along with the rest of the house.
"FRED!" yelled Mr. Weasley.
"Yes?" trembled Fred, who was still standing in the same spot.
"You're banned from coming to our new house EVER again." said Mr. Weasley
"When you have it that is," Fred muttered, before disapparating.
"Where are we supposed to live now?" asked Ginny
"Shut up" growled Mr. Weasley.
About 26 seconds later, Mr. Weasley had conjured up a temporary house for them to stay in for the night.
Next morning, Harry was woken up after 65,491 bricks fell on his head.
It turned out that George had "accidentally" conjured up a bomb, and dropped it down the stairs.
"GEORGE!" yelled Mr. Weasley at the top of his voice (which was rather loud, especially through a megaphone).
"As I can't throw you out I'll…" said Mr. Weasley.
George looked at his father a bit worried.
"I'll blow you out" he said, and with that he conjured up a canon, put George in it, and fired it.
About an hour later, Ginny, Ron, Harry, Mrs. Weasley and Mr. Weasley were having lunch. As they were doing so, a car pulled up outside the house, and Hermione got out.
"What the hell happened here!" said Hermione. "Did you have a war or something?"
"Better not to ask." said Ron.
The next day, Harry was awoken at 5 in the morning.
"What the?" he said after Ron had shaken him very hard.
"There's someone lurking behind the bush!" squeaked Ron.
Harry conjured up a stun grenade and threw it at the bush.
A few seconds later, Ron and Harry went over to the bush, and found Malfoy out cold.
Harry decided to conjure a makeshift prison, and put Malfoy in it.
Harry then went back to sleep, and when he got up it was 4 o' clock in the afternoon.
He remembered they were going back to Hogwarts tomorrow.
"Harry, have you packed your trunk yet?" asked Ron.
"What a bad joke." thought Harry. "What things do I have to pack?"
"Well?" said Ron impatiently.
"I don't have a lot to pack, or anything to put it in for that matter!" Harry said heatedly.
"When you brats, I mean kids, come home we should have a new, uh, house I think." Mr. Weasley announced proudly as they finished tea.
"When he says 'I think' it usually means no," Ron whispered to Harry.
When it was time to go to bed (or in Ron's case the bed to go to Ron, as he had floated it to him, even though in the process he knocked Harry out cold), Mr. Weasley somehow managed to get his head stuck in the ground.
Next morning at breakfast, Harry's brown juice attempted to drown him, and his bacon ran away and got squashed by a car.
After breakfast, two ministry cars came to pick every one up and take them to the train station.
At the train station, Harry remembered he hadn't let Malfoy out the cage, but he figured that he had disapparated back home when he saw him getting onto the train.
When Harry got on the train, he found an empty carriage which stayed empty through the whole journey as Ron and Hermione had to go to the prefects' carriage.
But through most of the journey to Hogwarts, they were too busy disarming a bomb or 6 that an idiot had left lying around.
Ron and Hermione were having a lot of trouble, so they went back for more help.
Neville tripped over a rock, and landed on the detonator, causing a large explosion as the back two carriages exploded.
Fortunately from Harry's point of view, Malfoy had been at the very back of the last carriage.
Even more fortunately, Ron had been on the fourth carriage but Hermione, who had only just left the back carriages, was blown right to the front of the first carriage.
When they reached the train station, Ron, Harry and Hermione met up again and slowly walked towards Hogwarts.
Suddenly there was another explosion behind them, as the whole train had blown up and flown 200ft into the air.
After running back and helping a few first years, everybody made it safely to Hogwarts (except Malfoy).
In the great hall, a lot fewer first years were about than usual.
Harry wondered whether this was because of the explosion of the train, or because of the general lack of witches and wizards.
After the extremely short sorting ceremony, Dumbledore said a few words (nitwit blubber oddment tweak) and everyone started eating.
However, Ron had already eaten most of the things on the table, which greatly annoyed everybody else.
To be continued…
(As long as I don't get too many bad reviews)