Disclaimer: I don't think this is quite J K Rowling's style, somehow.
AN: Lying Low at Lupin's… remember? Lots of Maraudery nonsense. Muahahaha. R&R.
"Padfoot!" called the friendly, if loud, voice of Remus Lupin, werewolf. "You can't stay in bed all day, OK? And even if it's not, I've got toast and sausages cooking for breakfast! Pork and granny sausages," he added, still at full volume.
Sirius Black, escaped criminal from wizarding prison, alleged mass murderer and public enemy no. 1, groaned and rolled over. Slumber was attempting to escape with him when his brain finally caught his attention. It took several more minutes for him to run his friend's monologue through his head. And re-run. Several times.
"Pork and granny?" he yelped and leapt up. "Did you say pork and granny?"
Remus turned round from his position at the grill. You had to admire the way he calmly took in Sirius, in all his naked glory, and Sirius' face, with a panicky expression pasted across its expanse.
"Padfoot? You're not wearing anyth-"
Sirius glanced down, squealed – there was no other word for it – and disappeared again. By the time he eventually reappeared, this time fully clad, Remus was nursing a cup of tea and glaring at a sausage.
He looked up. "Would you like one?"
Sirius inspected it suspiciously. "What is it?"
"A sausage. Pork and granny," Sirius' eyes bulged, "smith apple," finished Remus.
"You said pork and granny, first time!"
"I did not!" denied the werewolf, almost convincingly.
Sirius grumbled incoherently and started attacking sausage number one. "Is it meant to be this pink? I mean, pink's an OK colour, but for a sausage…"
"It's fine," sighed Remus, buttering his slightly charcoaled toast.
"What are the green bits?"
"Herbs."
"I hope so." Sirius poked his sausage some more. "Why is it so burnt?"
"I've just cooked it. Carbon's good for you. Especially on sausages," added Remus hurriedly.
"And why does some of it look grey?"
Remus rolled his eyes. "It's a sausage! Who cares?"
"I do!" Sirius cautiously took a bite of the offending object. "It tastes rubbery."
Remus rolled his eyes again.
Suddenly, with the sausage half-way to his plate, Sirius stopped short. His mouth dropped open, as it was apt to do when he thought of something new. "It was the shock thing, wasn't it?"
"What?" Sirius' friend looked understandably flabbergasted.
"Like when you woke me up by howling in my ear."
Remus stared blankly, then started to laugh.
Sirius looked a little upset. "It was a good dream!"
Sirius
I admire the pretty girl in front of me. She's slender, but suitably curvy for my satisfaction. Her blonde curly hair floating down to her shoulders is rather typical of Hufflepuffs. Her long eyelashes flutter irresistibly and I lean closer, captivated by the large navy eyes. I'm too interested in those eyes to wonder whether navy eyes are possible.
And the lips… the lips are so soft and smooth and dark. And inviting…
I lean closer yet…
And leap back as a very unangellic howl tears from the girl's throat.
My eyes fly open.
"What'd you do that for?"
My friend, although probably not for much longer, Remus Lupin, looks up innocently. "I'm just learning to sing 'Werewolves of London'."
"At-" I grope for some clock – "six eighteen a.m.?"
"I thought you were awake," replies the thirteen-year-old.
"Yeah, right."
Remus laughed again. "Come on, Padfoot, your expression was priceless!"
Sirius scowled. However, his scowl lightened as another memory hit him. Hard. "Ouch! Remember when James got to 'taste revenge'?"
"Apparently it was very sweet," nodded Remus, grinning.
James
I don't open my eyes, hoping the dream will come back, savouring the gentle touch of Evans' lips on my own, remembering the feeling of her slight body in my arms.
I kissed her. In my dreams, I kissed her.
It's no use. The dream is slipping away as I think of it. I squirm in my bed, trying to get comfortable. Then I feel the icing sugar.
My eyes pop open and I stare at the ceiling, my first thought, "who did it?" my second, "how do I get them back?" I hear Moony shuffling in his bed, and glance at him, seeing his eyes flick to Sirius and back.
So it was Sirius, was it? Well, he's not going to get away with this. I take out my wand.
"I don't think what he did was fair, though," protested Sirius.
"Even though you'd dumped twenty tonnes of icing sugar in his bed and gently watered it?" Remus' eyebrows were disappearing into his hair.
"Well… yeah…"
Sirius
When I wake up, I'm not looking at the top of my four-poster. I sit up, bash my head on the ceiling, swing my legs over the side and fall off the top of the wardrobe. Ouch. I must've broken about 200 bones.
I carefully get up and feel myself all over. Nothing crucial is broken, thank goodness, but I'm badly bruised in several places. I hear sniggering from somewhere near the door, and know instinctively that it's James in his Invisibility Cloak. He must have levitated me onto the wardrobe. He was probably getting his own back for 'A Taste of Revenge'. Well, he has now.
I wince. Walking is painful, but I can probably bear it, at least to the Hospital Wing. Hopefully, Madame Pomfrey will fix me up quickly.
"Then there was the time we had the Tableware War just to see McGonagall's reaction…" reminisced Sirius.
Remus
The first years look incredibly nervous. I don't blame them, really. It's a terrifying experience, being Sorted in front of the whole school. I was nearly sick when I put on the Sorting Hat four years ago. I don't hear the first name Professor McGonagall calls, but our first Gryffindor, Renata Biegel, looks surprised and relieved that a not-too-brutal-experience is over. She sits down nearby, and the Sorting continues.
Sirius is fidgeting opposite me. "I'm hungry," he moans.
He's always hungry. I tell him so.
Peter's stomach interrupts me, and Professor McGonagall removes the Sorting Hat and stool.
Professor Dumbledore, to whom I owe my place in Hogwarts, rises. Luckily, his 'speech' consists of seven words. "Please eat up before it gets cold!"
I start scoffing, or perhaps wolfing down my dinner, but Sirius, having heaped his plate so high that nobody can see him, looks speculatively at Professor McGonagall, resuming her seat at the high table.
"Hey, James." Sirius has that glint in his eyes that I hate because it usually means something dangerous. "What do you think McGonagall would say if…" He lowers his voice and I can't hear the rest.
Oh, no. We're going to be murdered. This is Sirius' idea! Sirius, who is so daring that even the headmaster is scared of what he might come up with.
Oh, no…
Claudius Pritchard whirls round as Sirius' roll whacks him across the back of his head. Bad idea. The roll starts thumping his face, and Pritchard can only helplessly try to fend it off.
His twin sister, Claudia, also in Slytherin, is more observant than her brother. She can see who's causing the violent roll. Her wand flicks out of her robes pocket and several jugs of pumpkin juice fly across the hall to upend their contents on Sirius' head.
James' reply is to send the tureen of soup beside Claudia up into the air, then slowly – ever so slowly – turn it over. Peter flings a carrot for good measure, and Sirius, having used a drying and cleansing charm, encourages Professor Dumbledore's plate of vegetables to attack all of the Slytherins at once.
Severus Snape is furious when pieces of diced carrot start bouncing off his head, and he lets a curse loose, hitting a chunk of roast beef. The zombie lump of beef charges over to the Gryffindor table, knocking Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs aside in its mad dash. It whacks several Gryffindors, who gladly join the battle, before a sixth year stops it in its tracks.
For some reason, even when the food fight develops into an all-out war, the Ravenclaws don't involve themselves. However, the Hufflepuffs unashamedly send charmed balls of food in all directions.
The cutlery is drawn in, next.
Somehow, dessert makes it up to the tables, and everyone has to keep their eyes open in search of demented whipped cream or custard pies.
Suddenly, we run out of food, and Professor McGonagall is left, hair streaked with cream and spinach entwined round her glasses. Her face matches the Gryffindor colours perfectly.
Sirius shrinks back in his seat, while James dives under the table.
"Somebody hide me!" he whispers, and I find myself suddenly alone, Peter and Sirius fighting it out for the security of the position behind my chair.
"Who," demands Professor McGonagall, "did this?"
I glance down at Sirius.
"I just wanted to see her expression!" he protests.
"It was a good idea!" declared Sirius, indignantly. "Shame we didn't get away with it, though…"
"Remember the 'Drowned Rat Trick'? He really looked like one!"
Peter
I am cold, wet and furious.
Cold, because the water I was pushed into was freezing.
Wet, because water is wet and no-one thought that I might be uncomfortable.
Furious, because Sirius got away with it.
I was harmlessly sitting by the lake, thinking about – various things, when James left, to talk to Lily Evans, and Sirius followed. I didn't think any more of it, until I realised I was drowning.
He'd pushed me into the lake!
I kicked upwards, well aware of the fact that I couldn't swim. As soon as my head broke the water, I took a deep breath and screamed. Lots of people turned round, and lots more came running, to try and help me. Remus, I noticed, wasn't there – he'd disappeared up to the castle.
Sirius pretended to try and help me out, but he was just pushing me further in. I was considering an attempt to swim, when Lily Evans took a hand.
"Accio!" she cried, imperiously, and I flew over everyone's heads. I landed, without even a 'bump', beside her.
Concernedly, she asked if I was OK, and I managed a small nod. At that point, Sirius appeared beside me, to take me to the hospital wing. The bell rang as we started going up to the castle.
Just before we arrived at the Hospital Wing, Sirius apologised, claiming that he hadn't meant it. I didn't believe him, of course; I'm not that gullible. All the same, I am trying to accept his apology.
We reach the Hospital Wing and I step inside, nervously, to face Madam Pomfrey's wrath.
"He did look awfully funny," Sirius asserted.
"And do you remember that time that James knocked over Lily's drink and offered her his, only you'd put the Screaming Hair Potion into it, and Lily blamed James when her hair turned purple and started singing religious songs at twice the normal volume…"
"And the time James charmed my chair to buck me off it and I got detention for swinging on it…" remembered Sirius.
"And Peter's singing socks, which you'd 'accidentally' dropped in the Screaming Hair Potion…"
"And when James asked Lily out and she said yes…"
Remus
I don't believe it!
James has asked Lily Evans out for the first time this year (and the 2931st time overall, apparently) but – get this – this time she said YES! Erin, school gossip queen, has just told me. I can't believe it!
I need to find James. evilgrin
I go looking for him, but bump into Sirius, who asks me what's wrong. I blurt it all out to him. His mouth twists into a slightly evil smirk and we both continue the search.
He's in the Common Room.
"James," I say, "come up to the dormitory in five minutes, would you?" I try not to snigger. "I've got something to show you."
"All right," he mutters. "I'll just finish this essay."
"Ok. We'll wait for you up there."
Sirius literally bounces up the stairs, and I follow him, more soberly.
Peter's in the dormitory, and we ask him to warn us when James is coming, He agree and sidles out of the room.
Meanwhile, Sirius and I get set up. I charm my midnight blue dress robes to look pink and frilly, and quickly pull them over my head. Then I put a pink bow, which Sirius "borrowed" from a Gryffindor third year, in my short, light brown hair, while Sirius searches through his things for a diamond ring. Where he got it I will never know. We sit on the end of my bed, which is opposite the door, and practise what we're going to say.
Sirius is already sniggering when Peter comes in, nods, and stares.
"Never mind us!" hisses Sirius. "Gerraway from the door!"
Peter moves over, just as James wanders in, whistling a half-formed tune absent-mindedly. He stops and stands, frozen to the spot, looking first at me, with my absurd outfit, a dreamy expression on my face and my head resting on Sirius' shoulder, and then at Sirius, looking sheepish, with one arm draped round me.
"Oh, Jamesie, dear," I begin in a high soprano voice. "Oh, Jamesie, my dear, strong, brave-"
James is looking at me incredulously.
"-daring, cheerful, handsome, noble, truthful, dependable, intelligent-"
Sirius and Peter are trying not to laugh.
"-valiant, bold, generous, selfless, modest-"
Sirius snorts.
"-adorable, benevolent, wonderful boyfriend!"
Sirius replies in a ridiculously deep voice. "Lily Marie, flower of my heart, darling, true love, precious, treasure, gem, dearest sweetheart, apple of my eye, angel, blossoming beauty, pretty princess, love of my life, beloved," his pitch deepens some more. "I love you."
"Oh, Jamesie, dear," I reply, "I love you too."
Peter's face is rapidly turning red from trying to stifle his laughter and James looks torn between defending Lily and laughing his head off.
"Lily Marie Evans," booms Sirius, "do you really like me?"
"Of course, Jamesie, dear. I love you." I flutter my eyelashes madly at him.
"Lily Marie Evans, will you go out with me?" How does he get his voice that deep?
"Of course, Jamesie, dear." I snuggle up to him. "I love you."
"Lily Marie Evans," he gets down on one knee and offers me the ring, "will you marry me?"
"Of course, Jamesie, dear. I lo-"
James interrupts me. "All right, point taken. Now shut up!"
"Of course, Jamesie, dear. I love you."
Sirius is in fits. Peter is screaming with laughter. James is fighting a losing battle to keep his face straight. Even I can't help smiling.
"The best bit was when Peter came up to me later, and asked me if I was gay!" Remus grinned. "That was funny!""The best bit was when Peter came up to me later, and asked me if I was gay!" Remus grinned. "That funny!"
Sirius' laughter abated a little at the mention of Peter Pettigrew, the traitor. "Gay? You?"
"Yes, me, and no, I'm not."
A tapping on the window interrupted them.
"It's a letter from Harry," Remus declared as the owl flew away. "Here, have a look."
Sirius read the letter through. It seemed reasonably cheerful, telling him how he was getting on, how he was missing Sirius and hoped to see him soon, how Ron and Hermione were writing frequently.
"We'll have to make sure he follows in his father's footsteps," Sirius said, finishing the letter.
"I think," Remus replied carefully, "that he already has. Put the letter down, Sirius."
It was stuck. And, Sirius noted, his robes had turned an interesting shade of purple with green polka dots. "Why, the underhand little devi-"
Remus interrupted him. "And you wouldn't have done the same?"
Sirius gaped at him, his goldfish impersonation finally being put to good use.
The next morning, Sirius didn't hear any wake-up calls from Remus, but that didn't particularly bother him, since he was asleep.
Remus had decided that speech would not wake Sirius up, since he had no new phrases to wake his friend up with, and Sirius no longer responded to, "Sirius? Could you come and remove this dragon from the roof?"
Therefore, Sirius was about to get a new shock.
The water started pouring down.
"Moony! What'd you do that fo- Why am I in the shower?" yelled Sirius. "I'm not that filthy… any more."
He staggered downstairs, his towel wrapped round his middle. "Why did you wake me up?"
Remus turned round from his position at the grill. "I did not!" he denied, almost convincingly.
Sirius glared. "Yes you did. And don't try the puppy-dog eyes – they don't work on me."
Remus ignored him. "Want a sausage?"
"What is it?" Sirius asked suspiciously.
"Pork and granny with green bits."
"All right, then."