Author's Notes: I so wanted to get this finished before Breaking Dawn, but it looks like that won't happen anymore, bah. And I won't be buying it, so I'm going to have to wait to borrow someone else's copy before I can even finish it. Sadness.
Anyway, this has been playing around in my mind before Broken Ends had even a single chapter out... I just knew that I'd never finish Broken Ends if I started on this one before I finished the other (because I am so looking forward to finishing this, much more so than I was for my last one). There have been a lot of theories circulating about the vampire anatomy in relation to sex (there was an entire thread at livejournal about how the inhuman anatomy responded to, ah, stimuli as well as a rather amusing concept of vampire venom taking the place of semen--ow) and I'm not really sure where I stand on all the specifics (I suppose we'll have a clearer understanding as of reading the book, ha), but I do know that this is what would totally make my day if it were to really happen.
&
"Please," she mouthed, her broken words falling further apart into silence.
It was useless—he couldn't hear her anymore, he couldn't understand what was happening, he couldn't realize what he was doing, he couldn't focus, he couldn't concentrate, he couldn't control—
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
But he didn't, but he couldn't.
"Edward, stop!"
&
"Bella?" Alice's voice chimed. "Hello?"
Bella snapped to attention, only to find herself in the midst of another round of Alice's imported, exotic flower petals floating from the ceiling. She could hear the admiration of her old female classmates around her, now suddenly deafening compared to the blur of her daydream.
Or nightmare, perhaps, was more appropriate.
"Alice?" Bella asked, hesitantly. She could hear a faint murmur of voices and the sound of noise makers, hazy and indistinct.
"Are you all right?" Alice cocked her head to the side, staring intently, which made Bella shrank involuntarily. Then someone called out to Bella to say goodbye and thank her for the invitation—Bella assumed it was Jess. Bella nodded and gave a small smile, still feeling disoriented, and then tried to gain her bearings. Alice wasn't convinced, but knew that her role for the moment was hostess. She escorted Jessica and the last of the others leaving to the door. "Have a good night, ladies!" Bella heard Alice's voice chime outside. "Or should I say good morning?"
There was laughter. And then after the sound of car doors being shut, of engines starting, of wheels turning, and of vehicles pulling away into the dawn. Alice returned not shortly after, peeking her head around the door frame first, and then gliding her way along.
"Cheer up, Bella," Alice said lightly, coming to pet Bella's hair. "I know you didn't want your Bachellorette Party to be this big...or this long...or this involved, but... really," Alice began to look the slightest bit discouraged. "You can't have not had any fun." Bella felt her heart tighten in guilt.
"No, no, Alice, it's not that," Bella reassured her. She was fidgeting with the zipper on her jacket. "The party—all of it—it was... It was great, Alice." She turned to her. "Really." Alice smiled gently, her pride and gratitude flashing in her eyes, but it shifted almost instantly into a mischievous grin.
"You should just be happy that I didn't hire an entertainer like the girls demanded," Alice's laughter floated. "That," Alice grinned deviously. "Is the ultimate experience, I hear."
Bella wasn't laughing.
"I think I'm going to go for a little walk," Bella said, quietly rising and heading for the door. Alice watched her leave with curiosity, the line of concern on her brow.
&
"Sto-op—please—"
Bella gasped, shooting upright. She checked her surroundings, surprised to find herself in Edward's still-indisposed-of bed and Alice sitting in a chair in the corner, checking her fingernails.
"You were a little more tired than you expected," Alice didn't look up from her cuticles. "Fell asleep just twenty feet from the door." She flexed her fingers; tightened them into a fist, then released. "So I put you to bed. Edward has yet to return from his hunt and I don't intend to tell him what happened." Alice looked up, the obvious concern shining in her eyes matched by the matronly tone in the edge of her voice. "Is there something that I need to tell him?"
"No," Bella said quickly, horrified to think that there could be even more reasons for Edward to continue on with his newly-acquired state of paranoia. "No, Alice, really, I'm fine. Just tired." She vaguely realized that she was begging. Alice sat quietly, listening. "He already has too many things to worry about, I don't want to add another trivial—"
"But is it so trivial?" Alice asked.
"It's nothing," Bella said with conviction. "I was just tired." She stared into her gaze fiercely. "Besides," Bella continued, her gaze and voice softening. "You're the one at fault here." Alice cocked a delicate eyebrow. "It was your party that drained me." Bella smiled. Alice smiled back.
"It was a fantastic party," Alice admitted, with pleasure. She rose from the chair and made for the door.
"No one will ever be able to top it," Bella said, happy for her. She was starting to feel cold from being out from underneath the covers.
"That's what I'm counting on," Alice smirked as she reached the door. "Goodnight, Bella, darling," she whispered as she turned the corner.
"Goodnight, Alice," Bella said sleepily, the small smile still on her lips. She began to settle herself back under the blankets.
"And Bella?" Alice paused just before she rounded the corner.
"Yes?"
"I suggest you take the time to tell Edward about those nightmares." And she was gone.
Bella paused. She took a hold of the comforter, slid down the mattress until her head reached the pillow, and then pulled the blankets up to her chin, and closed her eyes tightly against the memories. She allowed herself to glance a peak at the couch—the welcoming, safe, nightmare-less couch—and knew that if Edward saw her avoid the bed that things would only get worse. She told herself to stop acting like a child and tried to get some sleep. She had a very strange feeling that she was going to need it.
&
She never was very good at skipping stones.
But it felt nice to cast them out into the ocean and to watch them plummet beneath the waves. She threw another, but it didn't go as far as her others. There was an ache in her shoulder and a pain in her wrist, so she sat on the grass and thought.
Bella was positive that she couldn't take it anymore.
She couldn't take the fact that nothing had changed in the few weeks since their... incident. Edward was still distant, still stiff, still paranoid and cautious and overprotective and reticent. Edward was still out on his latest hunt—they were so frequent and endless now—still obsessed with finding ways to keep her as safe from him as possible, the fixation over which grew stronger every time he saw her and her wedding ring. She couldn't take the fact that even though it had only been a few weeks since the accident, just a short while, that she still wanted to try; she couldn't take the fact that she needed to know what it felt like—what it really meant to sleep with someone she cared about, the one last act of humanity that she desired before her transformation She couldn't stand knowing that she shouldn't be wanting anything, not after what happened, not so soon, but... her need hadn't lessened. She couldn't stand that she had tried to forget about it, to ignore it, but nothing has helped.
"I just..." Bella whispered to herself, staring at the rocks at her feet. "I need this before I finish everything else... I need this before I give up my life. This is... This is the ultimate, the most intimate act of life, of being alive, of creating life." Bella swallowed, finding it difficult to speak, even if only to herself." "I want to have this before I lose mine."
Bella hugged her knees to her chest, bracing herself against the wind. It wasn't that she was unused to feeling alone—she'd spent almost the entirety of her senior year exploring the definition of "alone"—but that she was unused to feeling this kind of alone: feeling alone when they were apart despite knowing that there would never be another reason to doubt his love for her and feeling alone even when they were together because even when he was there, he was far away, remote and discovering the true meaning of restraint.
"There has to be another way," Bella breathed. She closed her eyes and remembered the last time she tried to reason with Edward about another attempt—and its quick demise. She swallowed again, feeling all the more hopelessly discouraged. "There has to be... Even if Edward and I can't make it work, there's got to be something I can do." She looked at the sky, pleading with the clouds. "There has to be something that won't make me regret my last decisions as a human. There has got to be—"
And all of a sudden, the thought came. The idea arrived, the possibilities were explored, the chances weighed, the consequences deliberated, and the decision was made.
This was the other way. The only other way.
She jumped to her feet and ran, knowing that she wouldn't have to move very fast or very far before Alice saw her coming to see her and met her. Alice found Bella in mid-run just twenty yards from her truck and demanded to know why her future just abruptly disappeared.
"Don't panic," Bella said. "I'm just going down to La Push—"
"La Push?" Alice asked, a slight twinge of disapproval in her tone. "Don't you think it might be better to pay a visit another time?" Bella reached the truck and tore open the door.
"When do you suggest, Alice?" There was a hint of desperation to her voice. "Before or after I'm legally bound to his arch rival in eternal love? Before or after I'm supernaturally bound?"
"I'm just saying," Alice began, maintaining her composure, although her voice held the tiniest slice of pity. "You only just mended your broken feelings a little while ago. He's still hurting from his excursion into the woods and I know you understand what I'm talking about when I remind you that there is a very precarious balance to your friendship right now." Bella paused in mid-seat buckling, turning to Alice, curious.
"Why are you..." She couldn't seem to finish the sentence.
"I'm just concerned," Alice explained, frowning. "I don't like not being able to see your future."
Bella moved back slightly. "Alice, if you're concerned that I'll leave Edward, I—"
"No," Alice said calmly. "I'm just concerned for you." She slowly nodded once. "Even the dog, I suppose."
Bella's frown didn't completely vanish, but she finished buckling her seatbelt. She took a deep breath and inserted the key into the ignition. She almost felt relieved when the truck lurched to start with it's roaring engine.
"Just give me a couple of hours," Bella said softly. "I need to sort some things out."
Alice stared at her for just a moment longer before nodding and moving away from the car window. "I'll tell Edward when he returns," Alice said, a small smile gracing her pale lips.
"Thank you, Alice," Bella smiled and threw her truck into gear.
Alice watched Bella speed down the driveway (as fast as her truck would allow) with a frown on her face. Both Bella and Edward had been acting so differently lately and it was disconcerting to watch them both suffer in their own private ways. Alice told herself that there was no reason for alarm and thus, there was no reason to protest Bella's visitation to dog territory, but there was a nagging feeling at the back corner of her mind that told her she should be preparing for something.
She was going about and cleaning the party remains when hours (mere moments, really) later, Bella crossed back over the border and her future shifted into slightly sharper focus. Alice sat and watched for a moment, before coming to and running for the nearest pen and paper. She scribbled out a note to Edward about Bella's whereabouts as quickly as her inhuman abilities would allow and made for the door, thinking only of the most random nonsense to shield her thoughts, should he return before she could flee, before she could escape with and protect the existence of Bella's decision until Bella was ready to have it be known.
&
"You're going to have to talk, Bella, if you want to ask me."
"I know, Jacob," Bella said roughly. "Just give me a minute, will you?" Her face hadn't burned this ferociously in a long time and it was making things all the more unbelievably difficult.
"It can't be that horrible, whatever it is you're blushing about." Jacob laughed ferociously, prying her hands away from her cheeks and giving them a gentle shake. He was still laughing loudly. "I mean, God, Bella, it's not like you're asking me for sexual favors or anything."
The red deepened, limited only because there were too few blood cells in her body to match the true nature of her terrific embarrassment. She tried to shy away behind her hair but her progress was hindered by the fact that her hands were still captured by Jacob's at the wrists. Suddenly, Jacob's fingers surged a new sort of heat into her skin. As he peered at her around her curtain of hair, his brows furrowed, raised, and then cocked. "You're not, are you?" He asked tentatively, with what Bella, horrified, recognized as faint amusement.
"No," she gasped out. "No, of course not. I mean, really, Jacob, you should try to go at least one day without your mind in the gutter or you might—"
"You are," his eyes widened in disbelief and Bella's blush burned with a whole new level of excruciation. A boisterous laugh burst deep from within his chest as he repeated, "you really are." Then suddenly, just as quickly as the amusement had come, it vanished. His face ran blank and his eyes penetrated hers with questions and Bella vaguely mused that it was a miracle that her body hadn't collapsed with so much blood leaving her limbs. "You are," he said, his words having started to sink in. There was the unspoken why?
Bella kept her face hidden, unsure of whether it was a futile attempt to conceal her rouge-tainted cheeks or it was because she couldn't bear to see his expression. She waited.
"I don't get it," Jacob said slowly, before a bitter taste flooded his mouth and his tone. "I thought someone else was already taking care of this department." Bella swallowed roughly.
"We're experiencing... technical difficulties."
"What, he can't keep it up?" Bella turned to glare at him violently, her protective curtain of hair be damned. Jacob scoffed. "Surprised he can at all, being dead, as he is." He didn't notice that his hands had tightened the merest fraction around her wrists... just almost enough to cause pain. "Or is that it—necrophilia not your thing after all?"
Bella pulled away immediately, surprised at how quickly she broke free; Jacob had obviously not been expecting her reaction. She knew better than to try to hit him again (her hand still hadn't completely healed, but she didn't have to wear the brace, thank God), so she turned and made her way for the truck. "That's it—I should have never have even considered it and I'm an idiot for making a fool out of myself by coming here at all—thanks anyway, Jacob, appreciate your taking the time to return me to reality."
Jacob remained frozen to his spot in shock, looking after her in silent, unregistered surprise before something dawned across his features, and he suddenly burst to life. "Wait, come on, you know I didn't really mean anything!" He gently grabbed a hold of her sleeve, stopping her progress. She stared intently at a tree in the other direction, willing her face to cool. She could feel the urgency in his eyes on her back. "I never do, not really anyway. Look, I'm sorry," his eyes begged. "I'm really sorry, okay? Wise cracks will be kept to myself, I promise."
"It doesn't matter Jake," Bella muttered. "It's okay. Really. This was a ridiculous idea anyway." She sighed, defeated. "I should have known better... And I'm sorry for bringing you into my stupidity. I should just go home before I make even more of a fool out of myself."
"Bella, wait," he said gently, stepping in front of her and placing both hands on her shoulders. It wasn't a necessary gesture, as Bella wasn't on the move any longer, but he did it all the same. She turned her eyes toward their feet and hers, which were normally very big by average standards, seemed so terribly small in comparison to his. He leaned down, ducking his head into her line of vision in an attempt to meet her eyes, but she diligently kept them transfixed on his bare toes. "What's going on?"
And suddenly, to Bella's further horror, her vision became cloudy as tears began swelling in the corners of her eyes. She shut them fiercely, forcing the unwanted traitors back in, but they pushed and fought and battled their way to victory and sprawled down her cheeks. Jacob, even more intensely horrified and exponentially more confused, lurched back to full-height and brought her to his chest in a fierce hug, gripping the back of her head with an uncertain hand and wiping away the tears with an equally uncertain thumb.
"God," Bella ground out through her teeth, into his chest. "This is so unbelievably stupid." Jacob raised a sable brow.
"Which part? The coming here to La Push part? The proposing of sexual endeavors part?" Jacob made a slight noise as he cleared his throat. "Or the crying into my shoulder part?"
"All of it," Bella muttered weakly, leaning into him. "I'm being utterly ridiculous."
"You're always utterly ridiculous," Jacob said with a small laugh, resting his thumb at her ear as the tears began to subside. "The world should begin to worry if you ever fail to be." Bella gently knocked her forehead against him as she let out a tiny, frustrated groan.
"I don't really know what I'm doing right now," she said quietly, the trace of peaking exhaustion materializing in her words. "I love Edward, I do." She felt Jacob swallow. "I love him enough to give up most everything that most humans would die without." Bella laughed a sad, little laugh. "No pun intended," she said, smiling weakly into his chest as he sighed, clearly not amused. "So with all of that, why am I even thinking about... I mean, I have everything." More tears surfaced. "Most everything I could ever want." Jacob's breaths were surprisingly deep and even, but it appeared that it took some intensive labor and concentration to keep them that way. " I should be completely satisfied. More than that. I should be overwhelmed with contentment." Bella breathed in Jacob's scent. "But I'm not." She licked her lips. "I'm not because even with everything that eternity will hold for me—with every wonder of immortality waiting to greet me, there is still one chiefly mortal experience, one principal act of being alive that I can't die not having had."
"...then why haven't you already?" Jacob whispered so quietly it was hard to hear. "Why come to me?" Bella swallowed.
"We tried," Bella spoke just as quietly. "He did try. It didn't... It wasn't... safe."
Jacob was silent for a moment. Bella wasn't sure if she minded. She wished he would say something, though she wasn't sure what she wanted to hear—did she want him to knock some sense into her, to yell at her, or to comfort her?—but then she sort of appreciated the silence, the mere peacefulness of being wrapped in his arms again. It had been so long...
"I don't understand what you want me to do," Jacob said quietly, after awhile. His hold was still strong, but he barely moved, as if he feared that the slightest shift would break whatever spell they were under. Bella swallowed and burrowed deeper into him.
"I'm not sure I entirely understand myself," she sighed. "When I first came down... when I came down here tonight, I had every intention of doing something very selfish, something very impossible, and plausibly, something very mean."
"You're not mean, Bella."
"Unfortunately, I can't agree with you. Especially since what I was naively thinking of asking you is very, very mean. It's mean to think that I could have allowed myself to believe that it wasn't a completely despicable, indecent act of selfishness." She inhaled deeply, taking in the woodsy smell of him once more. "And I've already done too many mean things to you already." She opened her eyes slightly, taking in the sight of the ocean beyond Jacob's left shoulder. "I'm positively evil."
"That's the worst oxymoron I ever heard," Jacob scoffed. "But, being an oxymoron (albeit a bad one), the validity of the statement is weakened, and it wasn't very strong to begin with." He sighed a long, heavy sigh and fell silent for another moment. Bella didn't expect him to speak again, until: "What did you have in mind?"
Bella froze, her body stiffening all the way down from the toes of her sneaker-covered feet to her wind-bitten nose. Her breath wasn't even doing a very good job of moving in and out of her lungs.
"What did you say?" She didn't move from her position, but she wanted nothing more than to pull back and examine his expression, to see his face, to look in his eyes.
"I asked you what you had in mind, when you were thinking of coming down here and, being positively evil, were thinking of doing this very mean thing." Jacob's breathing was too even, too relaxed. His mastered calm unnerved her and her now startlingly red cheeks. "What does this stupid proposal entail, exactly?"
"...exactly?" Bella managed to breathe, suddenly realizing in a whole new light just how close they were.
"If..." Jacob swallowed. "If the proposal still stands, of course." Bella pulled away quickly, looking up at his face, which looked serious enough, willing enough, but incredibly unsure.
"Jake, you can't really be thinking—I can't let you do this to yourself—"
"I'm not a little kid anymore, Bella," Jacob said calmly, seriously. "I can handle more than you think." He eyed the ring on her finger, which involuntarily twitched.
"But," Bella said, already feeling her selfishness taking over and her newfound resolve weakening. "Don't you realize what this would do—you have to know—you have to understand that it couldn't mean anything more than—that afterwards... I couldn't—we wouldn't be able to—"
"I know what it would mean, Bella," he said, with the same unsettling calmness. "I'm willing to deal with it, to help you. And you're not the only one who can be a little selfish, you know." Jacob saved a stray lock of Bella's hair from whipping her face in the wind by placing it carefully behind her ear. "I'd do it. Even if it means having only one night with you." His fingers ghosted their way along her jaw and up to her lips, where they stayed. "And knowing the whole time that you belong to someone else."
Bella looked up at him, torn. "It seems like all I ever do is hurt you."
"Hey," Jacob whispered, pulling her against him again and Bella fell into the embrace, melting in and molding herself to his arms. "Remember," his lips moved against her hair. "I'm a bit tougher than you think."
"All I ever do is hurt everyone." Bella whispered, now finding herself captivated by the ring on her finger. For a moment, Jacob tensed.
"What does he think about this?" Jacob asked quietly. Bella so wished she could know what he was thinking. Was he doing a private mental dance of glee and petty victory? Was he feeling sorry for Edward? Was he really concerned at all about Edward at this point even? Bella took a deep breath.
"He doesn't know," Bella spoke into his skin. "I wasn't going to say anything until I knew if there was anything to say." She looked up at him. "This only just occurred to me this afternoon." Jacob was biting the inside of his cheek, a small frown pulling at his lips.
"But you will tell him..." Jacob stared at her. "Right?"
"Of course," Bella said. The lump in her throat was particularly hard to swallow. "I wouldn't be able to live with myself otherwise."
The fact that Jacob flinched at the word "live" didn't escape her notice, but she pretended that it did. Bella looked at him more closely, wondering if she was really capable of what they were considering, what they planning, what they were dreaming. Could she really do this to them—to all of them?
"So we're really going through with this?" Jacob asked. It seemed that his thoughts were traveling along the same lines. Was this really going to work?
"If you're sure," Bella said quietly. "Then I am." She pushed herself closer against him. Jacob nodded slowly against her head.
"I am," he whispered.
Bella took a deep breath, steadying herself; it was almost easier now, now that they had actually decided and that she had Jacob there to lean on. "I'll find some way to explain things to Edward tonight," she announced, closing her eyes. "And then..."
"Tomorrow night," Jacob mused quietly. "How ironic... the eve of your wedding."
&
"Bella," Edward breathed. "You're back."
Bella's eyes shifted before she could stop them, instinctively moving down to the carpet after seeing the glorious flash of brilliant white teeth aimed at her. Edward, having misunderstood her cause for discomfort, pushed his lips together instantly, offering her a much smaller, but no less welcoming smile.
It wasn't how Bella wanted to start the night—her last mortal night with him—but in an odd, morbid way, she supposed that this was the best atmosphere for suggesting her "proposal": their underlying tension, their regret, their frustration, their fear, their desperation... it all made very nicely for politely requesting to your soon-to-be-eternal-lover that you commit acts of selfish unfaithfulness the day before you meet at the altar.
Bella was positive she was going to throw up.
"Here, Bella," Edward said, suddenly at her side and leading her to the bed that he had never gotten rid of. "Are you all right?"
"Fine," she lied. Horribly, as always. "I guess I'm just a little... anxious." Edward chuckled.
"How do you think Charlie's fairing with the idea of you still being at your very own Bachelorette Party?"
"God, this whole week has been Alice's idea of throwing of a Bachelorette Party." But Bella couldn't help but smile, in spite of herself. It had been an interesting week... she was sure that no girl in Forks would ever be able to top Alice's extravaganza, nor ever be the same, themselves, again. Suddenly, something occurred to her. "Edward," Bella started, her nerves suddenly puncturing her voice. "Where's Alice?" Bella wondered... Did Alice already know? Of course she had to, Alice would have foreseen—oh God, she would have seen—their decision, her decision being proposed to Edward as soon as Bella passed over the border. Bella stared at Edward, horrified. Did he already know?
"You don't have to worry about Alice," Edward laughed, his voice shooting chills down her spine. "She left early this afternoon to hunt... It seems that being around you human girls all week certainly wore her out." Edward slid an arm around Bella's shoulder, but maintained his distance. Bella felt dizzy. "She apparently wanted to make sure she wasn't going to be a safety hazard for the big day." Edward tilted his head to the side thoughtfully. "All she could think about as she left was what kind of animal she was craving." Bella's throat tightened as Edward released another chuckle. "Strange," he mused. "She doesn't usually go for bearcat."
"Ha," Bella said quietly. "Strange."
And all of a sudden she was sure that she couldn't do it. Bella wasn't going to be able to go through with telling him, go through with being with Jacob, go through with the one mortal act that she desperately needed because Edward trusted her too much. Because Edward loved her too much, loved her and trusted her so much that he didn't even suspect, he couldn't imagine, he could even fathom the possibility of her concocting such a plan, let alone executing it. She couldn't do it.
"Though it is a very good idea," Edward continued, blissfully unaware. "I, myself, should go for another... round, beforehand." Bella's brows furrowed in confusion.
"...but you just went yesterday," Bella whispered. "You were still gone this morning." Edward's face took on an edge.
"I know," he said seriously, gripping her tighter. "But it certainly can't hurt anything to take such precautions." He didn't need to add, especially after what happened. "I'll go once more, just to be sure."
"But you never needed to hunt this much before," Bella was pleading and unsure of why. "You never had to leave this often."
"Bella," Edward started, surprised at her reaction. He assumed that she would be all the more grateful with his thirst satiated. "I won't be gone long. And I'll only leave when you are deep and fast asleep." He kissed the top of her head hesitantly, reluctantly, just barely letting his lips rest at her temple. Bella sat still, frozen in shock.
This is how the next two days were going to be, Bella realized. With the smallest, briefest of touches, the saddest of looks, the most frightened of words... Were her last days as a mortal to consist of fear and hesitation and restraint? Were her last moments as a human with Edward to include his brief, unnecessary excursions to the woods to quench his growing paranoia? Was this how she would remember her last days of being alive—ignoring an opportunity to enjoy the last mortal experience she wanted, avoiding the chance to be with Jacob, one last time, wholly and completely? Was this what she wanted out of the remainder of her life?
"Edward, I've been thinking." The words erupted from her mouth before she could think of them, but only just after her legs had propelled her upward and she was moving a few paces away from the bed. She paused to swallow, but couldn't manage, so she just continued talking, she continued doing whatever she could to keep her heart from coming up in her throat because she wasn't sure if she could survive with both the lump and her heart fighting to break free. "I've been thinking about what you said—about how it's not worth it to try again, how we shouldn't—"
"Absolutely not," Edward said, with such sadness and finality that Bella's heart suddenly stopped and constricted, and the lump surged down, plummeting all the way down into her stomach. "Bella, you know we can't risk it." The regret was tearing him apart. "If what happened last time were to happen again—if I couldn't manage to maintain what little control I had before—"
"I know," Bella cut in, and she noticed with horror that her voice sounded ragged. Edward noticed too, but didn't understand the real reason why. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, composing herself. "I know," she repeated, more softly. It didn't sound so deadened as a whisper. "I agree completely."
She wasn't sure what her face revealed, but it must have held some trace of desperation because he was with her in an instant, his arms around her and his head buried in her shoulder. It was the closest they'd been since the incident.
"I'm sorry," he whispered quietly. "I'm so sorry." He pulled her closer and Bella noticed, again, with horror how much more care he was actually taking in being around her again, how carefully he was holding her and how carefully he was holding his breath. Bella closed her eyes, her fuel for her mission renewed. "I know how much it means to you—but there are so many other possibilities for us." Edward was almost pleading. "Believe me, Bella, I promise, if there were any other way—"
"There is," Bella cut in before her resolve had the slightest chance to weaken. Her voice sounded too high and too quiet, but those two words had opened the door that she so dearly dreaded and so desperately wanted to go through. She licked her lips quickly, preparing to continue and Edward waited in surprised, confused silence. "That's what I was thinking about. What I wanted to tell you." Bella pulled back just slightly, gripping his shoulders tightly and unable to meet his eyes. Edward waited expectantly.
"You see," Bella began, very quietly. "I love you." For a mere second, she spared a glance into his eyes—so trusting, so innocent, so loving—and she had to turn away to keep from vomiting. She reminded herself of his hesitance, his reluctance around her and continued. "I love you more than anything, you know that... I want to be with you forever—for longer than forever." Bella could feel the tears beginning to form but violently willed them away. "But I need this, Edward. I can't go through eternity regretting that the only thing I knew I couldn't leave humanity without never happened."
"We can try other things," Edward spoke quickly, desperately. "It won't be the same, of course, but there are other things that might be similar." He was breaking.
"But you're right," Bella said, so softly that she was barely speaking at all. "It's not the same." Edward shut his eyes tightly.
"But we can't, Bella," Edward pleaded. "Don't you understand? I'd kill you. I'd kill you so thoroughly that there wouldn't be anything left to—there's no possible way I have enough control." Edward shook his head the tiniest fraction of an inch. "I'm not strong enough to."
Bella's eyelids felt heavy—not with sleep, but literally with pain. Her eyes burned and her fingers shook and her knees felt weak. She could almost taste the blood when her teeth bit down too harshly and she swore at herself to keep from tearing a hole through her lip. The tears had already begun to spill before she finished her sentence.
"Someone else..." she whispered, her voice breaking. "Might be."
It took a moment, just one, before realization set in. Bella missed his face, missed his reaction because the next moment he was at the window, bracing one arm against the frame and staring out into the woods. She wavered slightly, as he moved, but she steadied herself just before she started to fall. She wanted to say his name, to say something with strength, with conviction, to prove to him—to herself—that there was a reason for what she was thinking, what she was doing. But her lips couldn't produce any sound.
Edward's head dropped to his chest as his left hand raised itself to pinch the bridge of his nose and run itself through his hair. Bella couldn't swallow. He turned and ever-so-slowly and, keeping his eyes down, made his way back to the bed, where he sat. He laid his head in his hands and Bella decided that she deserved to die.
He didn't have to ask, who?
"How do you know he'll agree?" His voice was quiet. Too quiet. And it was a stupid question, they both realized. Bella had always known, deep down, that Jacob wouldn't be able to reject the offer... otherwise, she wouldn't have gone. She was too cruel, like that.
"He agreed this afternoon." Bella felt sick. She felt dirty, tainted, and disloyal. Edward was a statue on the bed.
"So you discussed this with him already." It wasn't a question. It wasn't his voice... it wasn't a voice at all. It was a dead, flat production of sound that held no warmth, no animation, no real reason to allow Bella believe that she'd heard it at all. But Bella nodded, having everything more to say but not knowing where to begin. So she opted for what she could manage.
"Edward, please," she whimpered, more tears escaping. "Please don't hate me—I don't know what I would do if you—"
And that was all it took. "Shhh," he was with her immediately. "Bella, you silly girl, I couldn't hate you," Edward stroked her hair as she clung to him. "I couldn't ever hate you." He gently rocked her back and forth, taking great care to secure her on his lap. "I hate myself for letting this happen," Edward continued quietly. "I hate myself for leaving you before, for creating a need for you to seek the comfort of someone else, and consequently, for allowing this sort of pain to be able to occur in the first place. I hate myself for allowing myself to believe that you'd be content with waiting, that—" Edward broke off, laying his cheek against the top of her head. "With all of the elements of mortality that I was so concerned about you experiencing, I was foolish enough to hope that this wasn't on that list."
Bella's tears were as silent as they were numerous and she had stopped trying to wipe them away. Edward remained ever attentive, taking care to brush away each one. Bella had forgotten what it was like, to have him be this close and to have him touch her this freely (even if it still had that same oppressive sense of new control). This observation only made the tears fall more freely, themselves.
"I'm so sorry," Bella whispered, feeling her lips become dry and rough. "He and I—we don't," Bella stammered, unable to say Jacob's name to Edward. "I don't have to do this." Edward didn't say anything. Even as she said it she desperately hoped that he wouldn't encourage her to break off her "proposal" because she knew that even as it pained her—physically and emotionally and mentally—to consider the possibility of not ever having had this experience, she knew that she wouldn't give it a second thought if Edward told her he didn't want her to. Edward knew this too. It was taking everything in his power (what little he had, he mused disgustedly) to not take advantage of it.
"Ridiculous," Edward said. He was tense, stiff, and disapproving, but acquiescing. "You need this." His voice was exceptionally quiet and become heart-wrenchingly soft. "If I'm going to take your life away, I might as well give you something about it worth remembering."
Bella looked at him in confusion, hurt by his words. "Edward, what are you talking about?" Did he forget that he was one of the most important things about her life, one of the things most worth remembering? She adjusted herself in his lap so she could cling onto him more tightly. Edward couldn't bring himself to return the sentiment—it was all too much, he could hurt her again, he could scare her, did she even want him anymore?—which only made Bella cry harder. "Why are you talking like that?"
"Answer something for me honestly, Bella," Edward said softly.
"Anything," she whispered.
"Do you still want to be with me?" The question was so sincerely unsure, so full of doubt that Bella found it especially hard to speak. To think that she was causing all this unnecessary pain—again!—she had trouble finding the words. Edward took her silence as uncertainty and continued. "I'd understand, of course," Edward's voice had taken on the same soulless detachment as before. "If you were to decide that Jacob could better suit your needs than I, afterwards. You hold no obligation to—"
"Edward, stop!" Bella finally exclaimed, finding her voice. The ringing familiarity of her words sent a spasm of pain through his heart. "What are you talking about—do I still want to be with you?" Bella's words were only barely distinguishable between her choking sobs. "Of course, I want to be with you." She clung to him more tightly still, but Edward's arms remained in the same loosened position as before. She released a painful sob as she lightly pounded him on the shoulder with her fist, trying to invoke some semblance of movement, of a response, of life out of him... and burst into an even greater wave of tears when there was none. Only the smallest trace of a frown on those perfect lips and empty, hollow eyes. She shook her head violently, ignoring the way her eyes smarted from the abrupt movement. "That's it," she gasped. "I can't do it." She shook her head. "I won't."
Edward had hardly moved, but his frown deepened, his eyes glossy and unseeing. "No, Bella," he said, with authority. "You must. If it's what you want," he paused. "Then it's what I want."
"Of course it's not what I really want," Bella would have shouted, had she the lung capacity. Instead, it was a dull cry. "I want you."
Edward turned away suddenly, fighting back some wave of emotion that he worked to conceal from her. She sobbed freely now and reached for his cheek, hoping to steer it back to face her. She pulled and pulled with all of her meager strength. Edward didn't concede, but merely turned farther away, shielding his face from her view.
"I want you," Bella repeated, more clearly this time, though it was followed by even more severe sobs. By the time she repeated it again, Bella realized that Edward was shaking, releasing silent, drier sobs of his own. She tried to repeat it once more, but before she could finish he turned and took a hold of her face in his hands, resting his forehead against hers. His face was contorted in pain, the ugliest of grimaces still looking magnificent upon his beautiful face.
"For how long?" he whispered, with a new edge to his tone. But Bella didn't notice—she was too preoccupied with understanding that he was touching her again, really touching her, let along speaking to her.
"Forever," she breathed, reveling in the moment, despite her continued tears and only slightly subdued sobs. "All the time. Every time. Every second of every minute of every hour." How much was it going to take to convince him? And just as she was about to leap into her next set of promises, he kissed her, strongly and passionately, as he had only done few, seldom times before. Bella couldn't breathe, much less think. At last, he broke away, but only the tiniest fraction of an inch, just enough space to allow her lips to move and answer.
"How much do you want me?" He whispered.
She could feel his lips move against his and feel his cool breath on her face and it was becoming so hard to make sense of what was going on. She couldn't understand where he was going with this, what he was doing, but with his fingers in her hair and nose touching hers she couldn't really care less about anything else. "More than anything," she answered truthfully. More than life itself, she realized, again.
"You mean you'll want me fifty years from now?" He allowed their lips to just barely touch, moving them just a fraction of an inch to the side. Bella gasped slightly, the tears still rolling down her cheeks.
"Of course." Another slight, fractional movement.
"What about ten?"
"Yes." Another.
"A single year from now?" He adjusted her on his lap, pulling her closer.
"I will," Bella could barely breathe the words.
"What about tomorrow?"
Bella swallowed, trying not to tense. "Tomorrow more than ever." Edward's hand curled into a fist in the tangle of her hair, but he released it almost immediately.
"What about now?" He breathed.
"...what?"
"Do you want me now?" His voice was low and intense, his granite body nearly rigid, but his lips remained soft and felt like mere air over hers.
"Yes," Bella whispered, her brows furrowing. "Of course, but—"
"Then have me."
"Edward," Bella breathed, confused. "What about—"
But he kissed her again, more lightly than she could ever have thought possible. There were more than a few moments where she wondered if he was really touching her at all. Yet it wasn't at all like his reluctant movements before. Now it was almost... teasing.
As if his just being there wasn't already teasing enough.
She was almost blinded by the fire burning within her, her lungs working at full capacity to produce what little breaths she could manage. Suddenly, the teasing became playing. Her fingers were in his hair, behind his neck, intertwined with his, gripping his shoulder, pulling at his back, pressing her against him, wandering and exploring creases and lines and curves that she hadn't felt in so long.
"Just one more try," Edward whispered. "One more time." His voice ran ragged, no longer concealing the desperation.
And so she didn't bother to resist—couldn't resist—and followed his lead, trying as best as she could to mirror his level of passion. She acted carefully, making sure to control herself when she felt her mind and her body move too fast, her desire grow too quickly. She only allowed her lips to move to other realms of the body when his traveled across her neck, only allowed herself to feel the firmness of his stomach after he rediscovered the softness of hers, only allowed her legs to wrap around him and bring them closer when his moved to let himself hover over her. It was a game of patience, of waiting and wanting, and of acting only when a certain piece was moved or a certain move was played.
And suddenly, as she tilted her head to the side to allow Edward better access to her neck, she realized that there was still a kind of wetness trailing down her cheeks. It wasn't just that her tears had yet to stop, but that they had yet to yield at all. She could feel them trickling into her hairline, past her earlobes, and pooling on the pillow under her, staining the fabric with salt. Edward was with her again, with her and willing to try to give her the one last thing she wanted—demanded—from life, the one thing he couldn't give her... and there she was, watching him suffer, trying to force it from him and all she could do was cry. Realizing this, of course, only made her cry harder.
"One more try," Edward whispered, his eyes shut tightly against some unknown pain within him. Bella vaguely realized that he must have been repeating this for some time now, but that she hadn't noticed. What was she doing to him?
This is only making things worse, she realized, staring up into the ceiling as Edward's lips grazed her clavicle. The movement made her shudder, both from the cold and from the sensation, and Bella strained to keep her hips glued to the mattress, pressing them down into the blankets with such force that it nearly hurt. She felt another tear escape as Edward continued with his desperate mantra, trailing daring kisses along her throat. Bella knew that doing this was only hurting both of them.
"Edward," she whispered, her voice low and too apologetic for even her own ears already.
"Just one more," Edward said, moving along her jaw.
"Edward," she repeated, more softly than before as he hit a particularly tender spot under her ear.
And then his tongue just barely grazed the bottom of her lobe and she abandoned all of her vows of precaution and restraint. So quickly that she barely understood what she was doing before it happened, she took a hold of his face and turned, meeting his lips with hers with surprising force. She wanted to be free to express all of her passion, all of her love without limitation, without the fear of losing control—she wanted to lose control. Her hips rose against him, her back arching to meet the coldness of his chest as her arms coiled themselves around his neck and her hands supported the movement of their lips. Her tongue wove through his lips and found his and—
He thrust himself back, turning away as he nearly crashed into the post of the bed in his haste. Bella was left at the pillow, panting harshly and shaking slightly. It was a minute before Edward moved again, his body only risking slow, gradual movements as he shifted to a sitting position over the side of the bed.
"You're still crying," Edward said quietly. Bella jumped at the sound of his voice against the long quiet, but didn't flinch when he wiped a tear away. Edward paused, staring a moment longer before he collapsed against the side of the bed, resting his head over her stomach and relinquishing the pain inside of him in a groan of frustration. Bella fought to return her heavy breathing to normal, but her lungs seemed to panic at the concept of slower, smaller breaths and thus turned to faster, larger ones, which eventually morphed into something similar to a sob. "I'm so sorry," Edward whispered, eyes shut tightly, which only made Bella's sobs more defined. "For everything."
After an hour or so, Edward felt it was safe to return to the more familiar position under the covers—something they hadn't enjoyed in far too long—where he cradled her back against his chest and rested his nose in her hair. Thus is how they spent their last unmarried, untransformed night together: Bella crying and Edward unable to, both knowing that the next night she would be in the arms of someone else.
They didn't sleep that night. Instead, she slept all through the morning and the early afternoon. When Edward was sure that it wouldn't bother her slumber, he played with her ring.
"I'm sorry for the way I reacted tonight, that was foolish and selfish and childish of me," he had whispered to her, right before she fell asleep. Her tears were silent now. "But I couldn't bear the thought—I just..." he trailed off, deciding that he couldn't make this any harder on her than it already was. "I know this is what you need. And I wouldn't deny you this experience, even if it meant that you had to experience tomorrow night a hundred times over. I will not stand in your way. I will not hold you back. I'm sorry for my childishness. If what you were looking for was my blessing, you have it, without a doubt. I wish you all the world's happiness and more. And know that, honestly, whichever way you choose to go, I'll be here waiting, no matter what, for forever."