Title: Shackled

Author: xfool

Rating: PG just to be safe

Disclaimer: I think we all know it by now

Notes: This is all completely in Mac's point of view, if there are any mistakes I apologize.  Yes, despite all the groans I can hear, it is a songfic, that's pretty much all I can write.  The song is 'Shackled' by Vertical Horizon and it is found on their cd "Everything  You Want."  All flashbacks are in "italics" and song lyrics are in bold.

SHACKLED

He looks so handsome…yet so unhappy, as if what he has just done has hurt him so emotionally that the smile he has on his face is for show.  I wish I could hear what he is thinking right now.

            "They make a lovely couple, don't you think so Mac?"

            "Yes they do Trish.  It's nice to see him so happy."

            "It is…but honestly," she says as she lowers her voice so only I can hear.  "I always wished it would be you and not her."

            I don't know what else to do so I smile and laugh a little.  "I think everyone does.  These two must have been a big shock to the office, especially Harriet who has forever been trying to get us together."

            She gently places a hand on mine, as if she was attempting to comfort me.  "Well," she responds with a sigh.  "What's done is done.  I just hope he knows what he is doing."  Then she gets up and heads towards the other guests here.

            Looking down at my plate I whisper, "Me too."

Will we still be Butch and Sundance or will his new role as husband end that charade?  Thank God I will be out on the Seahawk when he gets back from Hawaii.  I didn't bother to tell him that I was leaving, just as he didn't bother to tell me about his sudden urge to marry the Barbie-wannabe.  I honestly don't know what he sees in her, but if he is happy then I will pretend to be happy for him.  I wonder, does he know how watching him from where I am is slowly killing me inside?  How I wanted it to be me up there with him, greeting guests and cutting the cake, me in that white dress next to him. 

I can't bear to see this anymore.  While everyone watches them dance I sneak out and head home to the comfort I once was foolish to give up.  

For so long my life's been sewn up tight inside your hold
And it leaves me there without a place to call my own

I open my door and kick off my shoes.  Walking into my bedroom I start to unbutton my dress uniform, not caring where the garments land.  I pick out my comfy pajamas and head back out to the kitchen.  There is a familiar bottle in the fridge and I take it out, not caring about anything else. 

The bottle is half empty now.  I am on my couch, the TV on but muted, crying, finally letting out my frustration and anger.  It's four in the morning but I don't care what the neighbors think or hear.
I know now what shadows can see
There's no point in running 'less you run with me
It's half the distance through the open door
Before you cut me down
Again
Let me introduce you to the end

I called out this morning, telling the admiral that I must have gotten sick from the food at the reception.  Fortunately, I did this when I was sober so he wouldn't think anything was really wrong.  I don't ship out for another three days so all I would be doing at work is cleaning out my office for Bud.  I quickly dress and head out, desperate for something to numb the pain I have right now.

My car comes to life and soon I am flying down the highway, not caring about the police.  That's the nice thing about a military license and a radar detector. 
And I feel the cold wind blowing beneath my wings
It always leads me back to suffering
But I will soar until the wind whips me down
Leaves me beaten on unholy ground again

I am sitting on the beach in Virginia, taking slow sips from the bottle in my hand, the slight burning it causes in my throat as it goes down.  Oh, how I missed this.  I know I shouldn't be doing this and his words come back to haunt me. 

"You're not just a drunk.  You're a mean drunk…" 

"No, I'm not a mean drunk.  I'm not even a drunk!" I scream into the wind.  There is no one around me, and I don't blame them.  I don't want to be around me.  I can control myself, I know I can.
So tired now of paying my dues
I start out strong but then I always lose
It's half the distance before you leave me behind
It's such a waste of time

I just sit on the beach, soaking up the last warm rays of the sun, and I think.  I think about everything we've done and seen and experienced.  And I wonder if he is happy right now…if he is looking at the same sun I am…if he will ever know what he has done to me.  I made sure I wouldn't fall for another guy; Chris, Mic, Dalton…they were all promising me what I really wanted, they were mistakes and I took advantage of the fact that they loved me with all their hearts…and now Harm.  I don't know when I fell for him but I did, I'm sure of it.  Well, no more.  I will no longer seek what  I know I cannot have.  Harm was my last chance.  I think he's my soul mate, my one in a million, but once again fate has played a nasty trick on me.
'Cause my shackles
You won't be
And my rapture
You won't believe
And deep inside you will bleed for me

"Every man that's been with Mac is either dead or wished they were…"  Why did he have to say that?  Is it true?  Does Mic wish he was dead?  I did love him, but it just wasn't meant to be.  I don't even want to think about Chris and Dalton.    
So here I slave inside of a broken dream
Forever holding on to splitting seams
So take your piece and leave me alone to die
I don't need you to keep my faith alive

By the time I get up from my spot night has fallen and as I glance up at the heavens a shooting start streaks across the sky.  I make a wish but I know it won't come true.  I drive home in silence and as I drive I finally make a decision.  I will forget about him.  Not totally, but just in an emotional way.  He has a new best friend now.  Someone he can come home to every night, someone he can share all his dreams with.  I know now that I was just a substitute, that he feels nothing for me.  Maybe pity, but not love.  And I know that I will eventually be ok with that, I'm used to disappointment and the knowledge that I can never be happy.   

I know now what trouble can be
And why it follows me so easily
It's half the distance through the open door
Before you shut me down
Again
Let me introduce you to the end

            I walk into my office, thankful that I am the first one here.  I have two boxes in my hands, both ready to be filled.  My first priority is my desk.  I put away my pens, legal pads, other office supplies and my USMC poster in one.  The second is personal.  I pick up the framed picture of me and Harm from Afghanistan.  We're smiling, it was after we spent the night in the hills and survived the attack, after we spent the night in each other's arms.  I wrap it in newspaper and place it in the box.  I do the same with the picture of the JAG staff at our annual softball game.  My eyes immediately focus on the model bi-plane sitting on my filing cabinet.  It's bright yellow with the USMC symbol on the tops of the wings, and "Sarah" scrawled neatly on the side.  I can't take this.  I don't want it.  I leave it and finish my task.  I hastily write a note for the admiral, telling him that I will see him when I come home.  But before I leave I take the bi-plane and walk into Harm's office.  The only thing that has changed is the fact that he is not here.  There is no more dwelling on the past and I gently place it in the middle of his desk before I walk out.
'Cause my shackles
You won't be
And my rapture
You won't believe
And deep inside you will bleed for me

I land on the Seahawk and immediately head to the bridge to meet up with the Captain.  The meeting is brief, just as I expected.  I walk to my quarters and put everything away.  Then I head to the small office that will be mine for the remainder of this tour – approximately six months.  I move almost like a robot until I can finally lock up.  I head out to the flight deck and watch the F-14s take off and land, wishing that Harm would be one of the aviators landing tonight.  I can feel the calming breeze from the dark water as we move on, farther and farther from the USA and getting closer to the war zone.  Again, out of habit, I look to the heavens and quickly spot my star in the millions and millions above me.  That is the one thing I cannot give back.  Harm named a star after me one year for Christmas. 

"It's so that when we are apart we can look at the same star and know that everything will be alright.  It's so that the heavens have a spot reserved for you…"

I have to leave.  No one can see me cry, especially out here.  Thankfully I make it back to my "room" without  being seen by anyone.  Unable to sleep I turn on my computer and check my email.  A couple junk mails, one from Harriet, one from Chloe, a couple more junk mails.  Harriet's and Chloe's are basically the same… Hope you're ok, come home soon, we're all ok here, we miss you, write back soon.  So I write back, trying to sound like myself.  Then I go to bed, hoping this time I can have a dreamless sleep.
Though you know you care

It's been almost three months now and I can go out to the flight deck and no longer cry.  I'm heading to the mail room to see if anything came today.  I wait my turn in line, thinking about when I can see Little AJ again.  He must be so big.  He's almost 4 now and I hope that my present makes it to him in one piece.  The line moves forward and soon it is my turn.  I am shocked when the petty officer hands me a large box and a few letters.  The return address on the box is Harm's.
'Cause my shackles
You won't be
And my rapture
You won't believe
And deep inside you will bleed for me

Back in my quarters I open the box.  Resting gently on top is a note from him, simply addressed to "Sundance."

Dear Sarah,

     The admiral told me that you left the day I got back but I could never bring myself to write you until now.  I must say that I was shocked to see the bi-plane sitting on my desk when I returned two months ago.  I know that this must have hurt you and I won't pretend to know how you are feeling because I don't know how you are feeling.  Renee and I had a talk and she knows that she can't get you out of my life.  She never came with me to Russia to find out about my Dad, wasn't there like you were when I crashed into the Atlantic.  She is here now in everyway she can but there is a small spot in my life reserved just for you and she knows that.  I don't want to lose you just because I am married.  I love her, don't misunderstand that, but I love you too.  I know that sounds odd but it's the truth.  I am sitting here at the new house looking out the window into the night and waiting for the stars to come out.  Every night I wish on your star that you are safe and that you will be home soon.  Well all miss you horribly, especially me.  Bud won't even use your office, he says it's disrespectful to horde and senior officer's space.  I have to say, we're all a little lost with out the chief of staff here to keep us in line.  Gunny is trying his best but one marine amongst a bunch of squids is not good.  Stay safe out there…Butch and Sundance go down together.  See you in three months (depending on when this reaches you).

                                          Harm

I wipe a tear away from my eye and open the rest of the box.  Beneath layers and layers of newspaper and Styrofoam peanuts is the yellow bi-plane I left on his desk all those months ago, and a picture drawn by Little AJ.  In his picture he drew his family – mommy, daddy, Sarah, Harm, me and the Admiral.  He signed it too, well Harriet signed it for him…I love you auntie Mac! Come home soon. 
And my laughter
You won't hear
The faster
I disappear
And time will burn your eyes to tears

I stand with the other officers on the flight deck and watch as the crowd on the dock holds up American flags and homemade signs.  We are finally home I think as the gangplank meets the deck.  I, of course, was one of the winners that get to leave first.  I salute the captain and the XO before lifting my sea bag over my shoulder and as I walk down the slope of the gangplank I can see Little AJ in a mini-marine uniform sitting on the shoulders of his god-father. 

"Auntie Mac!" he squeals as he tries to climb down Harm's back.  He lifts him up and puts him on the ground.  AJ immediately runs to me and I drop my bag as he jumps into my arms.  "I missed you so much AJ."

He snuggles into my embrace and he whispers, "AJ missed you too."

I look up at Harm and smile, finally able to face him and not feel a twinge of pain.  That's when I notice his hand is bare. 

"Where's your ring?"

"Oh, well," he says almost sheepishly, "AJ had something to do with that.  It seems that he wasn't too keen on having Auntie Renee and Uncle Harm watching him while Bud and Harriet went away for the weekend.  She simply couldn't take him and I told her that he is a major part of my life and will be our kids.  I don't think she wanted to lose her figure, and I don't think she wanted kids."

"Oh Harm, I'm sorry."

"It's ok.  Sturgis and I had a laugh about it over a few beers.  C'mon.  Let's get going.  Harriet has been cooking all day for your welcome home picnic."

As he and AJ start walking to the car I pick up my sea bag and follow, knowing that everything will be alright again.