The Gift
I heard a priest once said that a gift consists of three parts: the giver, the gift and the taker. The giver relinquishes control of the gift once it's offered to another. The control and power of the gift now belongs to the receiver. The gift itself has its own power.
Some of you may not have heard my story so let me tell you in my own words.
My wife, Dee, confronted me about my affair with Kara. She told me that she would not stand in my way if I wanted to be with Kara.
I wanted to hear those words because they would release me of my obligation. That is what I thought at the time.
So, for propriety's sake I told her that we needed to talk and would she meet me at Joe's bar around 1900 hours that evening. She agreed and I left for work.
Walking down the corridor after that conversation with my wife, I was feeling good about myself. I was finally getting my chance to be with Kara. I spotted Kara in the hallway and I told her of my decision, and my conversation with Dee. We were both feeling good about life.
She had already asked Sam for a divorce. We would both be free to be together. All we had eyes for were each other. No one else matters. We wanted what we wanted, and we were at peace with it.
Later that night I met Dee at the bar. I have to admit, "she is incredibly beautiful". She was sitting at a table in the corner away from the crowd. I was glad she picked this location. It was away from prying eyes and any interruptions.
"Hi Lee," she said, "what do you want to talk to me about?" I took a deep breath and held her small hands in mine. I always liked her fingers. They were long and strong, very strong for one so petite. I told her I loved Kara and wanted to be with her. I felt our marriage was over. She listened quietly and I could see she was struggling to control herself. If nothing else, Anastasia Dualla is indeed a lady.
In a shaky voice, she said, "at least you are being honest with me. I will see to the paperwork." That's all she said, then she took back her hands, got up and walked away.
I wasn't sure what I had expected but it was not this. It felt like I was or better yet, that I had lost something irreplaceable. I should be happy. No tears, no drama, just silent resignation, but….I got up, went to the bar and ordered a drink. Kara came by and we had a couple of drinks together and began to make our relationship public.
Two months later, I was divorced. I was legally free to marry Kara, and I did. I very seldom see Dee, except in CIC. She kept to herself. I guess I can understand. Where else could she go?
After a while, I began to hear rumors about her and Gaeta. I was rather surprise, even though I knew they have been friends for a long time, but I was with Kara and our life together was going great. I wished her well.
Eventually, the relationship between Kara and me began to show signs of strain. I came to realize that outside of sex and work, we had very little in common. After the sex is over, then what is there to do? Where do you go from there? I was in this relationship for the long haul and I loved Kara. We would make it work.
I hate to admit it but I missed the quiet times and great conversations I used to have with Dee. I remembered coming home some nights and she would massage my shoulders while filling me in on all the ship's gossips. I especially missed those "other sessions" when she just take me by surprise and wore the hell out of me. Kara is very good in that area but sometimes you just need….well, never mind.
"I can't believe I just said that".
Oh, don't get me wrong, all relationship goes through their difficulties. I thought Kara and I were just going through a rough patch. I convinced myself that this time it would be different with us. I was hoping that this time it would be different.
I was in for a rude awakening when I accidentally walked in on Kara and Sam one day. I was devastated. I knew Dee loved me. I had no doubt about it, but I gave up my marriage and her love to be with Kara, because I loved her.
In my mind, I thought Dee would probably have a good laugh at my expense. After all, I cheated on her, humiliated her in front of the entire ship. "What could I say about the situation I was in now?" Payback is a bitch.
I knew I brought it all on myself. To make matters worse, who did I see in the bar, laughing and having a good time that evening? Dee and Gaeta.
I haven't seen either of them in a long time, but Gaeta has changed. There was something about him…"I am not sure what it is? He seems more relaxed, confident, not, so uptight. My gosh…He is hopelessly in love with her."
He held her close and his eyes never left her face. She was gazing at him the way she used to gaze at me. I watched her teased him with her lips, her hands wrapped around his neck, and her body, well….I had to get up and leave, because that's how she used to tease me, with promises of unbelievable things to come.
I couldn't bear to watch. "How could I watch?"
"I had it all. That used to be me."
In retrospect, I finally understood the point the priest was trying to make. A gift is freely given and once the giver relinquishes control of that gift; then, the control and power of the gift is in the gift itself and the receiver of that gift. Go figure.
When Dee gave me her love, she gave up control of that love and it was up to me to decide what to do with it.
I blew it.
I really did.