A/N: My first Lord of the Rings fanfic. The idea started when my sister was joking with me about whether or not I had reached the part in the book where Frodo meets the Tooth Fairy, and Sam asks her to marry him, and she trades Gollum a quarter for his loose tooth.

Rated K. Some disturbing images.

WIERDNESS WARNING. It starts out normal, but then it gets pretty sick!

Here we go…

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The day was fresh and new again once more. Time showed no signs of hesitation. Cute little birds high up in the trees chirped cheerfully—wait. There are no birds in Mordor. Scratch that. The toxic winds howled cheerlessly through the vast empty lands, persistent to sweep through and leave them dryer, though that was hardly possible on the single most lifeless place in all Middle Earth. There, that's better.

In this story, Shelob was lying dead in her caves when Gollum, the old hack, tried tricking Frodo to go through her premises and taking the Ring for himself. As a result, a disappointed Gollum nearly took out his anger on Sam, who nearly took out a lightsaber and beheaded him in a rage of self-defense. But that never happened. In fact, dearest Sam did not own a lightsaber—though it was on his birthday wish list.

Ahem. Anyway. So the company of three went on with their journey, parched with thirst and stumbling with exhaustion. And Gollum…well, he was in a tough spot. He needed a new plan to get the Precious. Frodo lagged far behind, his head bowed. The weight of the Ring was now hardly tolerable. It was as if he were being pulled down to the ground with a great force.

"We must move quickly now!" Gollum called back, "Master is very close now, very close!"

At that moment a sudden annoyance burned inside Sam. The Stinker was ahead of both of them, still urging on the one struggling the most. If he had once bore the Ring himself, why couldn't he better understand Frodo's pain? Sam sighed.

"We should let Mr. Frodo have his rest," he said, "We may be close, Gollum, but if Mr. Frodo can't move another fathom, we won't be any closer!"

"Thank you, Sam." rasped Frodo. This was the first time he had spoken in several hours.

"Anything for my master. I think I can see a caved shelter of rock a little to the south. We should all rest there, and maybe find some water. My mouth ain't been this parched since as far as I can remember."

"Don't speak of such things!" snapped Frodo, "It'll make everything worse."

"No water runs clean at all in the Land of Shadow, no!" said Gollum, though his commentary was quite unnecessary. I mean, c'mon, everyone knows that. But for crying out loud, they were half dead with thirst!

Slowly, they all three made their way into the mysterious cave.

SUDDENLY AND WITHOUT WARNING THEY FELL THROUGH THE BOTTOM!

Thump.

It was quite dark where they landed. Frodo shuffled underneath his cloak for the Phial of Galadriel. They would definitely need light in this place.

Then unexpectedly, they heard a voice coming from around them. Whoever's voice it was, it sounded fair and beautiful, like a lullaby.

"Oh! It is I!" it said, "it is I—the Tooth Fairy!"

Finally getting hold of the phial, Frodo yanked it out, and a great light filled the dark cave. He then cried out in anguish. For before them was the most hideous tooth fairy imaginable…really, count yourself lucky for not witnessing such a sight.

Frodo turned his head in disgust, and Gollum cowered into a ball. But Sam was utterly love struck.

"Oh, Tooth Fairy, please marry me!" he said, using a pebble as an engagement ring.

Gollum inched closer to Frodo.

"She knows!" he squealed, trembling, "She's come! She's come for the precioussss! It will be lost, gollum, gollum!" he hacked, pawing at Frodo's jacketses.

Frodo gasped, clutching the Ring around his neck protectively.

The Tooth Fairy then glided across the room to the frightenedGollum, who was now hiding behind a rock from the monstrosity that was approaching.

"So it is you with the loose tooth! If you pluck it out, I will gladly trade it for a quarter! It's very shiny!"

Gollum shrugged and took the offer. He reached to the back of his mouth and yanked out a dingy tooth, for which he was given a quarter. He eyed it with greed and wonder.

"Sam," said Frodo, "I think we should cast her into the fires of Mount Doom as well. Should we do it?"

"No," Sam replied, "Let's just run!"

So they all ran. But they forgot they were in a cave. So they ran into a wall and fell over.

"Elven rope!" cried Frodo, "Sam, you have the elven rope to fish us out of here!"

Sam rummaged through his pack for the rope, found it, and tossed it back up through the hole. It caught onto something.

"There!" he said, "now all of you, climb! Climb up at hyper speed!"

They climbed up at hyper speed. And the Tooth Fairy took no notice—she was much too occupied with studying Gollum's grimy tooth.

In a frenzy, the company of three dashed from out of the shelter and back into the cruel air of Mordor.

As they were running, Frodo spoke.

"Sam," he said, "I never want to see the Tooth Fairy ever again. The Ring is endurable, but…but the Tooth Fairy…"

Sam nodded in agreement.

So they got away safely, and that was the last they ever saw of that distorted, crooked-winged monstrosity.

The End

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Well, there you go. Please r&r! )