Disclaimer: I don't own this… *snif*
Author's Note: This is slash Remus/Sirius don't like it don't read it.
***
As I reached the front door of Godric's Hollow, I paused for some minutes. Wiping away the tears that I had shed during the last half an hour and trying regain my calm composure. Still nothing seemed to work and as I knocked at the door I was still crying and in the verge of braking down.
James Potter greeted me happily pulling me in a bear like hug. I returned the hug friendly trying at least for that second to forget everything that happened only minutes ago. Still the fresh memories plagued me, making it almost impossible to not brake down. I could feel my friend sensing that something was wrong and as he pushed me back a little, his hands on my shoulders, the man in front of me looked at me closely.
I smiled weakly at the other smiling face standing in front of me. His hair unruly as always, his glasses slightly falling of his nose and his blue eyes sparkling with joy but also concern. He pulled me inside shaking his head as he helped me out of my drained cloak.
I look around and nothing seemed to have changed. The house seemed to be filled with happiness and delight that you could actually believe that nothing was wrong at all. Everything seemed enchanted by the Christmas charm and as a smell of fresh made cookies came into my nose, I closed my eyes smiling savouring the taste already.
"Hey Moony! You're with me?" James asked and I opened my eyes quickly starting to tremble slightly.
"Sorry… I was just somewhere else. Is that Lily baking in the kitchen?" I ask trying to change the subject as I could now see the concern spread across James' face.
"Yes… yes it is. Smells wonderful don't it?" James concludes and we both start heading for the kitchen, where I am once more pulled in a fierce hug only that this time it was Lily.
"How nice to see you again Remus! What brings you here? Have a seat before you answer. Can I give you something? Maybe a warm tea?" I could only smile as Lily full or spirit and joy when she pushed me down on a chair conjuring a mug with tea, while talking lively. I hardly listened to her spoken words as I was watching James cradling Harry in his arms, who had started to play with his father's hands.
Harry such an innocent child, with no sense of danger of the world he lived in. His hair was just like James', brown and totally untameable. But he had his mother's eyes; green shining orbs sparkling with excitement and curiosity.
James looked up meeting my gaze and I thought that I would brake down that mere moment, knowing that my friend knew that something wasn't ok. Still he didn't say a word, which left the wolf in me at peace for which I was grateful. Still I guessed that James or even Lily would ask me what was wrong and I breathed in deeply taking myself together again.
I sipped slowly at my tea not really tasting it, as I was more occupied in calming down again. I closed my eyes for some seconds while silent tears drop down my cheek. I feel a hand on my shoulder seconds and I flinch slightly opening my eyes scared and in shock.
"What happened?" Lily asks soothingly her hand on my forehead while the other is still on my shoulder. I shudder involuntarily remembering again the fresh memory shaking my head in distraction, which made me whimper in pain as Lily accidentally brushes the hidden bruised gash on my forehead.
She immediately cups my head to the side inspecting the bruise carefully. Her grip firmly on my jaw and with her other hand pushing the strands of hair out of the way. I close my eyes trying to push away the stinging pain starting to tremble once more as the rest of my body starts to fill with pain again.
"James could you get me something to clean and disinfect the bruise please." Lily asked and I could hear James leave the room quietly and quickly. I try to say something but she silences giving me a troubled look.
"Maybe you should lie down a little…" Lily whispers as I close my eyes once more feeling suddenly quite dizzy. I nod sleepily as everything in front of me started to go out of focus. She helped me carefully on my feet leading me slowly to the living room on the couch. As I lay down closing my eyes, blur pictures appear and everything around me seems to change. I could hear my brother's harsh words hit me again and I started to struggle as somebody started to work on my bruise on the forehead.
"No let go please… please let go." I whimpered cowering slightly still with my eyes closed but somehow seeing clearly my brothers menacing face. His eyes dull dilated and full of hate, and his smile contorting into an evil grin. I tried to open my eyes but I couldn't and I started to struggle more as my brother came closer.
"Remus… he's hallucinating… it is maybe the best if we give him a sleeping potion…" so many voices and in between I can hear the evil laughter of my brother. I just want to get away, away from him but hands hold me down and whimper more howl like letting the tears freely go down my face.
"Shhh… calm down Moony… what is Padfoot going to say when he sees you like this…" Prongs, the wolf in me recognized the voice and calmed down a little. I tried to regain control over myself again, but with no effect the wolf in me still had the total control over my actions. I felt like if I had just my thoughts, which were from myself as the rest of my mind was totally in control from the wolf in me.
"Padfoot…" I mumble and I can feel the hands on me relax. The wolf took the chance and started to struggle again against his pack member. My eyes fly open and for the first time I see James looking at me scared like if I would transform any minute. I growl furiously as I tried to get free from his grasp kicking furiously with my legs. I smell somebody else coming and the grip on me increases which makes the wolf in me even more furious snapping around blindly.
The wolf starts to gain the total control and the human in me is being in a small corner having to watch everything with fear. I couldn't even detect the difference between the voices anymore only having one goal, getting free and then run.
A firm and strong hand was on my jaw forcing my mouth to stay open while a potion was poured down my throat. I started to get drowsy and my eyes started to close from their own, I whimper not knowing what was happening and then everything went black.
**Memory**
I had gotten an owl from my brother telling me that something dreadful had happened, and now that I was standing in front of his house I wondered what had been so important to get me out of bed so late in the night.
I knock gently at the door pulling the cloak around me closer as the winter breeze was terribly cold. I look up to the stars finding Sirius straight away. oh Sirius, my bright shining star, how I wish that you would be here right now. But I know that you can't and that you are somewhere in this country doing work for the Ministry.
Nobody opened the door and I wondered if my brother found it funny to wake me up for nothing. I shook my head apparating back to the apartment block where Sirius and me currently lived.
But before I reached the block a hand pulled one of my arms back harshly and another was on my mouth while pulling me back in the darkness where nobody would see what was occurring. Then something thin like a needle went into my neck, which made me blank out immediately.
Everything came back to focus as somebody smacked me along the face and then shaking me furiously. As everything came back to focus I found myself standing against a wall or better to say chained against it, while my whole body throbbed a little.
"You're Remus Lupin aren't you?" one of the men asked but I didn't answer pressing my lips together.
"Answer me!!" he shouted at me striking me along the face violently which made my head hit harshly against the wall. I whimper closing my eyes as the pain ebbs through my whole head quickly.
"Yes… yes I am…" I whisper and the man in front of me chuckles cupping my face in his hands. I open my eyes and I look at my brother's evil grin. His eyes, which once glowed with so much proud and self-consciousness were now dull and filled with hate.
"Romulus what has this all to mean?" I ask and I receive a punch in my stomach. Romulus laughs as I cringe in pain starting to struggle against the manacles around my wrists. He continues to hit me for several minutes until I couldn't stand on my own legs, and only the manacles around my wrists giving me the halt to stand on them. I looked at my brother pained and distressed, and as I watched him I could see that he was pleased with what he was doing and as our gazes met he smiled at me with hate. He then pulled something clothed like out his pocket and gagged me with it violently.
"I am asking here the questions and not you, have we understood?!" he said harshly and I nod, looking around for a route of escape. As my eyes fixed back on my brother he had his back turned on me and I started to breath quicker then before, as I was for the first time of my life scared of him. I closed my eyes crying silently and trying to breath slowly again.
"Remus, Remus, Remus and I thought that at least your were normal, but I must have mistaken. Does your lover know that you're a Werewolf? Or has he already left you? It is really shame with you… do you really think that he loves you? That anybody loves you? They hate you, all of them; you just seem to forget what you are. Maybe I can help you remember." Romulus came closer again smiling threateningly.
I started to struggle as his hands were on my hips and I closed my eyes too scared to see off what would happen next. I could hear him unfastening the belt and then sliding his hands inside of my trousers. I bucked and howled in frustration as my brother continued to rape me.
He started to undress me and also pulled the gag out of my mouth kissing me violently. I was too shocked and scared to even do anything. One of his hands was on my neck making it uneasily for me to breath, as I didn't respond the kiss. I thought I would suffocate while he was invading once more my mouth violently but this time I responded catching finally some air again.
"That is a good boy. You want to be good don't you?" I nod as he parted only to kiss me again seconds later. The rest passed in a blur, while I screamed and whimpered most of the time wanting all this to end as fast as possible.
At the end I was cowering naked on the wet ground trembling looking at my brother scared. He threw at me my clothes and I dressed quickly not wanting him to make him even more furious. I then got up only to be dragged out off this whole, walking around various tunnels until I was outside again in the fresh air.
It was already the next day and the fresh sunlight stung in my eyes. I closed them opening them only minutes later trying to adjust to this bright light. My body felt sore and it took me much strength to stay standing on my legs. As I looked around nobody was there anymore and I let myself fall on my knees in the snow crying. Crying because of the pain in my body and because I suddenly couldn't remember what happened.
As I get up quickly I apparate to Godric's Hollow hoping that somebody would be at home.
**End of memory**
I sat up on a couch trembling furiously, seeing the pictures over and over again in front of my eyes. I lay back down as a stinging pain invades my head and I close my eyes feeling with one hand my forehead which I feel is bandaged. I curl together in a small ball again scared of what I could have done to my best friends while the wolf had taken over control. Raging in pain and scared of anything that touched him.
Sleep over took me again quickly and I only woke up as I started to hear someone entering the room, talking with their voices just above a whisper.
"Thanks for owling me Prongs I wouldn't have known where to start searching first."
"Your welcome Padfoot, be nice to him. I don't know what happened but I don't think that it was very pleasant. I'll be in the kitchen if you need anything."
"You don't need to wait Prongs I'll disapparate immediately with him home."
"Ok then. Goodnight Padfoot."
"Goodnight Prongs."
I could hear footsteps coming closer and I curled more together just wanting to be in the warm and safe arms of my lover. My body tensed as strong arms lifted me up and I could feel tears fall on my hands. I lent my head against the shoulder smelling Sirius' strong scent and I placed on of my arms behind his neck around his shoulders to make myself more comfortable.
I strangled sob escapes my lips and I feel the pull of the apparation, opening the eyes again as the pull left looking up to Sirius. He was looking straight forward, biting on his under lip walking towards our bedroom. His hair was tousled and not as neat as normally, and his uniform he had to wear for work was totally out of place. His face was contorted with sorrow and pain while his red eyes betrayed that he also had been crying.
He only looked at me as he laid me down in bed and then sitting down on the edge of the bed next to me. One of his hands started to hold my cheek caressing it gently with his thumb while looking at me concerned.
"Oh god Moony I was so concerned… I thought that you had left me." He whispered and I shook my head slowly smiling. I open my eyes again and I can see Sirius smile again. We don't talk and only look at each other for some minutes like if Sirius felt that mentally I was still tensed up and that I needed time to calm down again.
I yawned quietly when Sirius helped me to undress and move under the blankets. After he had helped me he started to undress, lying down next to me taking me comfortingly in his arms.
"I will promise that something like this will never again." he whispered into my ear and I close my eyes feeling finally safe again.
"How do you know?" I ask slowly falling asleep.
"Your brother was so kind to leave a letter behind. Now try to sleep Moony…" Sirius whispers, kissing me on the head and holding me stronger then before. If I had only known that this was only the beginning of everything.