Eo-snowells following 1x11 and Hartley's comment: "I forgot. You don't like emotions. They're messy."
At the end of the day she truly didn't know what to think anymore. She was confused and rattled and quite frankly, she had to admit Hartley right. He was right when he told her she didn't like emotions because they were messy. She liked simple. She didn't like complicated at all. Ronnie had been simple for her once and maybe that should tell her there was something wrong with this relationship, but she enjoyed it nevertheless. She could focus on her job and keep dating him with no complications and no heavy emotions. Maybe that was the problem, maybe that just wasn't what love should be all about, but she really didn't feel comfortable with being unfocused as her thoughts kept on wandering towards a certain man. She didn't like that. It felt as though she was giving up control over her own life and her well-being and was depending it on another person, a man.
And then something messy just had to happen, she thought while biting her lip.
The particle accelerator exploded. Ronnie died. Dr. Wells winded up on a wheelchair. And now this.
Just when she thought she was more or less back to her old control, not even suspecting she might've gone a little overboard with it, built a double wall around her heart and despite her actually enjoying being with someone right now, it was a secret she guided fiercely and never let any emotions in. Just sex.
And today the trust she had in him was shaken as he admitted he'd known there have been a chance the accelerator might explode. And she truly had no idea what to think of that.
The door opened as though she willed him here with merely thinking about him and this time she truly didn't know what she felt at his sight. Usually it was admiration or desire once they were alone, but now… She couldn't tell. And she hated that. She hated that maybe over those last few months she'd developed real feelings for this man but was still keeping them locked inside of her, never letting them out, herself becoming even more cold than before. Because she couldn't let her life get even more complicated. She just couldn't.
Harrison didn't say anything, he just reached behind to lock the door and then looked at her. Something told her Rathaway already knew about their affair. There was truly nothing that seemed to escaped that boy's attention. Should she even care? Was his move today just another ploy to hurt them all? To hurt her by forcing Harrison to admit to his own guilt? And did it work? She wondered, biting her lip again without even realizing it and only Wells's eyes immediately looking in that direction with familiar fire ignited in his pupils told her so. This was good for her, she repeated to herself one more time when meeting his blues bravely. This was what she needed. No emotions. Just sex.
And she didn't like emotions.
Maybe she should lie to her herself for a little bit longer. Maybe she should leave this man. Maybe she should stop this. Only once she did that, she was pretty sure that then the treacherous feelings would finally come out and she would soon start to cry since she would be forced to admit what she lost, that she actually loved her boss.
"Caitlin, are you all right?" he finally asked in a tired voice.
Well, he must've been tired with apologizing that day, but then again, maybe he should've done it a long time ago. He was just afraid she would hate him and that was the last thing he wanted. Or maybe it would be the best thing for him, he thought, torn, yet, once again. Being with her postponed his plan, put it into haul and he couldn't let that happen, could he? He hadn't come all this way and hadn't spent all those years preparing just to quit now, because… because what? He met a girl? That would be the biggest irony of them all.
"Hartley was right," she finally spoke and Harrison frowned, not following. "I don't like emotions. That's why I need this," she finished when getting to him and straddling him, capturing his lips hard, her teeth biting him before her tongue soothed the spot and he groaned at the sensation, immediately feeling tight in his pants and knowing this woman would be his ultimate downfall. Just another irony to the pile since it apparently wouldn't be his arch nemesis – the Flash.
Caitlin didn't waste any time, pulling her blouse off over her head and then ridding of her bra before taking his hand and placing it on her breast, squeezing, needing him rough, needing to remind herself why she craved this cold release with no feelings involved.
She just wanted this. The most basic of acts, just to make herself feel better.
So she quickly got down to his pants, releasing him and taking him inside fast and hard when pushing her panties aside, glad she wore a skirt. Somehow they both knew this was her own punishment for him. And he was all right with it. It wasn't as though he didn't deserve it.
Once she came so powerfully it nearly leveled her, she felt like crying and had to push those threatening emotions aside as well. She knew she was broken. She didn't need a shrink to tell her as much or therapy to figure out her problem. She simply didn't want any help just yet. Even if what she was doing was wrong, even if by denying herself her own feelings for this man, whether it was actually love a little bit entangled in hate, she was hurting herself more, sinking deeper into the darkness, she would just not do it.
Maybe one of those days it would kill her.
Maybe one of those days she would break, bursting out crying an ending up with his arms all over her and him telling her that he was there and that he loved her.
Or maybe he would never do that. Maybe it was just her own damn imagination.
Yes, emotions were messy and she was doing her damn best to escape them as long as she possibly could.
AN: Damn, I dove deep into darkness those past few fics, didn't I? I just love the idea of a broken Caitlin and season 1 is the place for it.