"Hawke?" I called out, as I reached the top of the stairs, turning towards our room. I walked into the bedroom and found him sitting slumped in a chair facing the fireplace. The room had an air of brooding and though I felt like an intruder I stepped further in.
"Anders!" Hawke turned and smiled, though the feeling didn't reach his eyes; he still looked depressed. "I didn't expect you home so soon, Love!" His smile disappeared as he started to rise from his chair, "Is something wrong?"
I smiled as I walked up behind his chair, pressing him back down and massaging his shoulders to comfort him, before responding. "Nothing is wrong, Hawke. Relax. I closed the clinic early, today. No one needed me there and I found I really just wanted to be here..." I leaned in to whisper conspiratorially, "And for once, Justice agreed!"
Brushing my lips past his cheek as I straightened, I felt him chuckle at the jest and place a hand on mine. I squeezed his shoulder and cleared my throat before continuing, "So, tell me, Love. Why does it feel as if I should be able to turn and find 'McBroody' sitting in the corner of our room? This mood doesn't suit you at all." Though I felt I knew the reason I thought perhaps the question would allow him to talk about what was bothering him.
Hawke sighed and I wondered for a moment if he would answer, but just as I was about to give it up and make an effort to distract him from his thoughts, he spoke.
"I'm sorry, it's just… It's the anniversary of Bethany's death, so she has been on my mind all morning…" He paused and patted my hand, half-turning in his seat to look at me. "As I was sitting here, I started to think about Carver, and then Father and Mother... I'm afraid my mind was travelling down a very depressing road." He gave a half-hearted grin and let his eyes travel over the room behind me, lost in thought for a moment. "It crossed my mind that if Father had not run from the Circle, all of them would still be alive."
I didn't even recall ending up in front of his chair, and I could tell by the startled look in his eyes, that Justice had some choice words for him... I let myself sink to my knees, and rested my hands on his, feeling drained. "You do like to provoke him sometimes, don't you, Hawke?" I paused, collecting my thoughts for a moment.
Hawke shifted in his seat, and I felt him brush some hair back out of my face. Glancing up at him, I saw a side of himself that he only showed to his closest friends. The unsure side, the man that always tried his hardest to do the right thing, but who bled inside each time things went so very wrong.
"I know you haven't had an easy life, Hawke. But…" I searched his face, "Do you truly think that would have been best? You and Bethany would have been raised in separate Circles, never knowing each other or your father. Carver would likely have been taken by the Chantry, and what sort of life do you think your mother would have had? Having lost three children and their father?"
I could sense him starting to object, "I know, in the end she lost a lot, but think! Do you think she would have wanted to lose all of you even if it meant she could still be 'My Lady Amell'?"
Hawke thought for a moment, "No. I suppose not… In fact, if she were here, she would probably give me a tongue lashing for even thinking like this." He grabbed one of my hands and kissed it, "Thanks, Love." I saw a small smirk start at the corner of his mouth, "You know, though… Had I been in the Fereldan Circle, we would have met sooner…" His lips quirked a little at the thought, "But you were involved back then, weren't you… With Karl?" Hawke threw his free hand against his forehead, closing his eyes, "I suppose I would have pined away, my love denied before it even started." He sighed dramatically, peering at me through his lashes.
Chuckling, I leaned forward, pushing myself from the floor, looming over his chair, "Actually," I raised my eyebrow and leered a little, teasing, "I only told you that Karl was my first…"
Hawke laughed and punched me in the shoulder, and I waggled my eyebrows at him, leering suggestively, until he pulled me close for a kiss. For a while, we were both too distracted for further thought.
I pulled back, slightly, and chuckled; clearing my throat again. "As much as I would love to continue, I think we might not be alone…" I threw a look over Hawke's shoulder and he turned towards the door.
"Who is it? Not Isabella again?" Hawke was surprised to see it was his Mabari, 'Gunney' standing in the doorway, instead. When the dog saw us looking, he 'woofed' and turned to head out the door, looking back to see if we were following. Hawke raised his eyebrow, questioningly, at me.
A question I chose not to answer, as I pulled him out of the chair and pushed him after the dog.
As we descended the stairs, Hawke saw the entryway to the estate had been rearranged, while we had lingered upstairs. A long table had been pulled to the center of the room with our friends arranged around it, waiting for the guest of honor.
Everyone providing some of the food and drink that spread over the table; Fenris had gotten a hold of more of the wine that he and Hawke were so fond of. Isabella had provided some exotic fruits she swore would go well with the alcohol. Aveline and Donnic had snuck in a large roast that Orana had slaved over all day. Merill had wandered in looking a little lost, and overwhelmed, but had been instrumental in setting up the entire party. Varric had arrived with a gift under his arm, but wouldn't tell anyone what it was, and had decided to hide it when Isabella wouldn't stop trying to steal it for herself. Varric was determined to slip the gift to Hawke when they could be alone and undisturbed.
Several hours later (and several bottles), we were all in tears of laughter, Isabella had somehow ended up in Fenris' lap, Merill could barely lift her head from the table, and Varric was collecting more information on Hawke, having gotten him started telling some stories from his childhood.
"I swear Carver never knew what hit him! Bethany and Carver had been playing in the yard, while I was practicing magic with Father. Bethany had a ball and was playing fetch with Gunney, when Carver decided..."
Hawke's laughter was contagious, as he gasped for air, continuing his story, "He wanted a turn, but when he tried to take it from her." Hawke had to pause for breath, again, before he could continue, "Oh, Maker! I thought Father would pass out from laughter when he came outside and saw sweet little Bethany sitting on poor Carver's head!"
The party had lasted long into the night, and the sky was just beginning to lighten when I found myself half-carrying Hawke up the stairs. Everyone else was in various states of inebriation lying around and on the table, and benches throughout the house.
I was tired beyond belief, but couldn't regret a bit of it as I walked the still-singing Hawke towards the bed. "C'mon, Hawke," I grunted with effort as he stumbled against me, throwing off my balance, "Time for bed!"
I turned around, intending to sit Hawke on the edge of the bed and remove his shoes before he could pass out, but he seemed to have a different plan.
When he pulled me backwards, I was completely unprepared. I started to sit up again, but he wasn't as drunk as he had been pretending, as he swung himself around and pinned me down. Stunned for a moment, I wondered what he was up to, "Hawke, What in Andraste's name are you doing?" I glared at him, "If you vomit on me…!"
But he just chuckled and leaned in, kissing me gently, "I wanted to thank you, Anders. For tonight. For every night and every day that you are with me," He sobered a bit, playing with my hair, "It would kill me to lose you, too. You know that, right...? I don't think I've ever told you, but I think you need to hear it sometimes."
He leaned in, again, brushing his lips softly against mine. "Maker, you deserve to hear it!" He whispered vehemently before slipping his tongue in my mouth.
In the brief moments of lucidity my mind allowed after that kiss, I knew that Hawke… MY Hawke would be okay.
After all, I would drown us in blood to keep him safe...