Disclaimer: What we do not own includes, but is not limited to Pirates of the Caribbean, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Disney, Monopoly, Jeopardy, Ninja Monkeys, Dell, Indians, Rabbis, Deal or No Deal, Lifetime movies, King King, The Brady Bunch, Altoids, 300, hypothetical pirates, etc.
NOTE!: There are Harry Potter 7 spoilers in here. Be warned. Don't complain to us if you read this and the 7th book is ruined for you. We warned you...in bold. SO BE WARNED! There.
P.S.- Review because that would be the greatest thing since sliced bread. Seriously. You know you want to be cooler than sliced bread.
Alas...
Pirates of the Caribbean:
-Rain-
-Music-
-Wet Music-
-Boobs-
-The boobs aren't real though-
-They're painted on-
-Cause in real life, she has like negative boobs-
-Just so you know-
-Extremely wet music-
-More hints that this is not a happy way to start a movie-
Twenty bucks says something bad has happened.
Elizabeth has that slightly constipated look on her face. And there are British soldiers, which tend to carry an inexplicable sense of doom. I don't know why. It's like how all British men are slightly gay, all British soldiers are slightly gay evil minions.
Also, Will is in shackles. If this was not a Disney movie, that would be totally hot. But 9 year olds are not going to get that, so it's bad. It's funny how everything in this movie could either be porn or really unfortunate.
Elizabeth: I think its bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding.
Caitlin: I think its bad luck for the groom to be in shackles. But that's just me.
Kelsey: I wouldn't mind.
Governor Wetherby Swan: STAND YOUR MEN DOWN AT ONCE! THE PIRATES ARE ONLY HYPOTHETICAL!
Guy with Short Man Syndrome: I AM YOUR LORD!
Harry Potter: VOLDEMORT!
Lucius Malfoy: Holla!
Weatherby: Don't I have a sweet name?
Lord: Umm…I'm sort of exerting my incredibly awesome, extremely corrupted sense of power. Could we, you know, focus on me? Maybe, if it's not a problem for you…
Weatherby: Well, actually…
Will: Why am I in shackles?
Lord: For helping the hypothetical pirates escape.
Will: But how can hypothetical beings escape? How can you even imprison something that's not real? I mean if they can escape, then obviously they are real. But you said they're hypothetical so how can they escape? I believe your perception of reality has been disrupted by your unbridled ego.
Everyone: …
Will: I mean …um…your hat is ugly.
Lord: JAIL! ALL OF YOU GO TO JAIL! NOW! THIS IS NOT MONOPOLY!
Will: No! Not Elizabeth!
Lord: Oh, well I wasn't going to send her to jail. But now I can see where that would a really excellent plot point. More shackles!
Elizabeth: Not Norrington! Why is Norrington relevant?
Alex Trebec: And now for our special edition of Inappropriately Scheduled Jeopardy, it's Will's turn.
Will: In the category of questions not answered. Norrington?
Lord: Well, he's going to die soon, so we have to make him relevant. That way his death will evoke some sort of sympathy (see also: everyone who has ever died in a Harry Potter book)
Harry Potter and Caitlin: Bitches.
Alex Trebec: Please state that in the form of a question.
Lord: DIE!
Alex Trebec is killed by ninja monkeys. A plethora of them. Otherwise it would be sort of lame. I mean, whoever heard of only one ninja monkey? They obviously travel in secret ninja monkey packs. And a renegade ninja monkey is about as lame as a severed ear.
Lord: Guess who gets to die now?
Will: Oh! OH! OH! I know! Pick me!
Lord: Yes Will?
Will: I think—
Everybody: WAIT!
Will: I mean, who is Severus Snape?
Voldemort: Correct!
Lord: What?
Will: God, that book came out a month ago. Get with the program.
Why is death always the answer to every problem? It's like, my shoe is untied. DIE!!!! My left foot itches. DIE!!!!
Lord: Perhaps you remember someone by the name of Jack Sparrow?
Will: CAPTAIN!
Elizabeth: MY LOVER!
Will: WHAT?!
Elizabeth: ….CAPTAIN!
Lord: Riiiight. Obviously there is some sort of sexual tension going on here. Maybe you should sort that out before this wedding happens.
Elizabeth: You mean the wedding that you interrupted and is never going to happen because you are imprisoning us and condemning us to death?
Lord: Precisely.
Meanwhile, Gibbs is drunk and singing in the dark. Very little has changed since the last movie came out. Except for that there are more birds. Which goes to show that Totuga has accomplished quite a bit in the way of wildlife conservation.
Except for that they keep throwing bodies into the ocean. That could be good though. Because if your ship capsized and you needed an emergency flotation device and were a man/lacked extremely large boobs, you could just latch onto a floating corpse.
That's sort of the idea Captain Jack goes with. Except for he pretends to be dead, seals himself inside of a coffin and uses a human leg to paddle back the Black Pearl. Schematics, really.
Anyhow, the hypothetical pirate crew of the Black Pearl is a bunch of whining Indians (the India kind, not the Pocahontas kind-they're both cool because one of them is my Dell support guy and I'm still paying the other one reparations and they own a lot of casinos. Please ignore how incredibly offensive they last line was. You could mentally erase the casinos part if you want, but I don't know why you would want that. Do you think this sidenote is getting excessively long? I feel that it is a bit long, but we're having trouble getting into the parody-ing mood and so I think if I keep talking maybe I'll get an idea).
Jack: What do keys do?
Indian: …………
Jack: Aren't you supposed to know everything?
Indian #2: They unlock?
Jack: I knew they couldn't all be lying. (Kelsey: I don't really understand this line, but I really needed to get to the next part. Sorry.)
Gibbs: Okay, but what do drawings of keys do?
Jack: Yes!
Gibbs: But-
Jack: So, we need the picture of the key to find the thing that the key unlocks but not until after we use the picture to help us find the thing. And then after that we have to use the thing but we'll need this key that is in the drawing and we'll have to find that too. But we already found the drawing so I guess we don't have to that anymore. So now we just have to find the thing after we find this picture. But not the picture, the actual thing that unlocks it. Kosher?
Rabbi: Schmear.
Let's meander on back to Port Royal. Because that's what's going on. And there is booze which makes Caitlin happy because she is an alcoholic.
Caitlin: I am not.
Kelsey: That's what the alcoholics say.
Remember the East India Trading Company? That was so sweet.
Lord: Be our bitch.
Will: What?
Lord: We need you to transact with our mutual friend Jack Sparrow.
Will: If he's a mutual friend, why am I in jail for helping him escape. And didn't you say he was hypothetical? Do often imagine your friends? That's kind of sad. Almost as sad as when Lupin "died". (Oh yeah, spoiler alert!)
Lord: We had dealings in the past. We each left our mark on the other?
Will: What mark did he leave on you?
Lord: Nothing (rubbing his neck and looking fondly into the distance. And we understand that most of you are not going to get that, so we would like to tell you that it is …)
Will: A hicky?!
Lord: NO! No, of course not –eye shift-
Will: So…what am I doing?
Lord: You will recover a certain property in Jack Sparrow's possession.
Will: Recover? How?
Lord: Bargain!
Will: With what?
Lord: Your body of course.
Will: Well, I am awfully adorable. And slightly fey (for the morons, like Caitlin: "fairy like"). The teenage girls seem to find this unbelievably attractive. I'm sure it will work on Jack too.
Caitlin: Because Jack is so like a teenage girl.
Kelsey: Really, what's the difference between a pirate of questionable sexuality and a sixteen year old girl? Besides cup size?
Caitlin: Pirates have bigger cup sizes.
Kelsey: Depends where you're measuring.
Now there is an actual movie.
Lord: I would like a compass. And it's funny because the compass tells you what you really want. So if I had the compass, I could use the compass to show me where the compass is. It's a delightful paradox. Like something Dumbledore would create. If he were a pirate and not dead.
Random Man: SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE!...ON PURPOSE!!!!
Lord: So bring me the compass and we have a deal.
Note: All deals are nonbinding unless Mowie Hendel is in observance of the negotiations undergone by all involved parties.
Jump to Black Pearl.
Jack: Why is the rum always gone?
Random Person: So we can beat this joke into the ground.
Jack: Oh. That's why.
So Jack decides to find more rum. Because it's what he does.
Bootstrap Bill: Time's run out, Jack.
Jack: I'll have the payment in a week, I swear! Come on, man! Just a little more time!
Bill: Jack-
Jack: I just got the Pearl back. With a little help from your son, by the way.
Bill: William?
Jack: No, the other one.
Bill: Harry? By George, I knew it!
George: I lost an ear! Hilarity ensued.
Bill: We're going to have to foreclose—
Jack: Don't take the house! I have a family to feed!
Bill: Uh…no. You really don't.
Jack: Well, yes. But what if I did?
Bill: Then this would be an entirely different movie. Like something on Lifetime. It would be quite tragic.
Jack: Do you think they'd let me be in it?
Bill: I don't know. You're a little flamboyant for primetime.
Jack: That's prejudice!
Bill: I know, but you've got to be patient about these things. Just give the people sometime. Oh…and Davey Jones wants your soul. BLACK SPOT!!
So, now we are going to run away from the Cracken (I would name my ultimately powerful real mystical beast the Cracken. Because then I could make jokes about crack and how it's destroying society and unraveling our moral fabric. Or I could just yell "Cracken!" in really crowded places and see what happens.)
Jack: RUN! LAND!
Now really, how are you going to run to land from the middle of the ocean. And don't you think the Cracken (haha) is going to know? I mean, it's owned by the guy who runs the ocean. It would be like if Pacino tried to lie to Brando in the Godfather. Brando would know even if Pacino didn't. I hope everybody got that.
Okay, jail with Elizabeth/Will/Weatherby!
Weatherby: Do you think I wear this wig to keep my head warm?
Everybody: Well, yes.
Will: Is that a lack of faith in Jack or in me?
Weatherby: Yes.
Elizabeth: I have faith in you.
Kelsey: Well that is because you are a moron. And you're also in jail. Really, Elizabeth is completely useless throughout this entire triliogy. She's like Will/Legolas in Lord of the Rings.
Elizabeth: If it weren't for these bars I'd have you already.
Caitlin: Totally inappropriate. And he's mine (as are Harry Potter, Ron, and the Weasley Twins).
Random nine year old in the movie theater: Mommy, what does that mean?
Mom: Oh god.
Will: I'm going to leave you in the jail cell now.
Elizabeth: Can't you just break off the door like last time?
Will: I'm sorry, I have to go have sex with prostitutes in Tortuga. You can't come.
Elizabeth: What?
Will: Sorry? I can't hear you. What did you say?
Elizabeth: You're six inches away from me.
Will: The signal's breaking up. I just walked into the elevator; there's bad reception in here.
Elizabeth: ….wtf?
Will: Bye dear! I'll call you! Bad day at the office; don't wait up!
Elizabeth: I should have married Norrington. Or Jack. Or the monkey.
Random montage of people talking about Jack Sparrow. Random Jamaican dude knows everything. Just like in real life.
The French give Will a ride to Jack's secret lair. The French are rude. Shocker. (hearts to the French)
Will has now been trapped by a human tree. This is both hysterically funny and an amazing biological advancement.
This is where they filmed King Kong. And though irrelevant, we felt your lives needed to be brightened by this joyous piece of knowledge. Treasure this fact. Embrace it, cherish it. Never let go, Jack, never let go.
Jack: Is anyone hungry?
Cannibals: Booga Booga.
Jack: Eat-y eat-y, Will-y Will-y.
And now, it's Port Royal one more time. Elizabeth is escaping. But we're not very far into the movie and so it's pretty obvious that this plan is not going to work out.
Random assassin: Evening, governor. Where's your delectably delightful daughter? (alliteration, 50 points)
Weatherby: Not in the carriage?
Elizabeth: -is actually not in the carriage-
Elizabeth: -is in Lord's office, "negotiating"-
Worship our awesome transition skills.
Lord: What are you doing here?
Elizabeth: Shooting you in the face.
Lord: Oh, well. Please don't?
Elizabeth: What do you want with a bunch of cursed Aztec gold anyway?
Lord: Please, my views are not so provincial. I prefer to be Supreme Overlord of Death. Just like Harry Potter. Could you maybe help me find the wand? I know Draco had it, but I don't remember what happened to it. (This is completely untrue, so don't believe it)
Elizabeth: I would, because I have nothing better to do and my fiancé is an idiot. But you robbed me of my wedding night. And I really like sex.
Lord: Well, I could you know…
Elizabeth: Ew.
Lord: Right. Well. Here are the letters of mark and my signature and my seal and my balls.
Elizabeth: Merci.
Moving on. We are in the middle of the ocean with the bald pirate and the randomly converted pirate with the fake eye.
Fake Eye Pirate: Praise Jesus!
Baldy: Spell Jesus.
Fake-Eye: Your mom.
Baldy: Let's steal the Black Pearl.
Fake-Eye: Okay.
The Cannibals are preparing to free (God) (Dumbledore) Jack of his human prison. Jack, however, does not wish to be eaten for lunch. He's more of a dinner guy. So, the obvious solution is to pole-vault across the canyon. Clearly.
Unfortunately, the cannibals are very big fans of lunch and would like to eat Jack right now.
Will and the Indians are racing bone-cages up the cliff. The Indians cheat because they suck at life. But they die, so it's fine.
Meanwhile, Jack is being cooked. Wouldn't it be totally sick if they just let him be cooked and showed his flesh like melting off of his body? But it's a Disney movie and that doesn't happen. Jack misses the fire, runs away, and impales some fruit.
Will and his friends just run away.
Will: Lift it like a lady's skirt!
Okay. What does will know about a lady's skirt? He hasn't gotten any ever and has hopefully never worn a skirt. Well, on second thought, he probably has. Worn a skirt, that is.
Jack, on the otherhand, is invincible. While falling 10,000 feet would kill any other living thing ever, Jack just stands up and walks away.
And Will LEAVES Jack. That's dumb because Jack's hotness is greater than Will's hotness.
Cannibal: I bet the dog tastes good.
Cannibal 2: Probably tastes like chicken.
Cannibal: Dude, where the hell have you seen a chicken around here?
Cannibal 2: Yes.
On the Black Pearl.
Will: I need the compass to trade for Elizabeth's freedom.
Jack: I need to go up river.
Gibbs: Do we have to?
Jack: Yes.
Gibbs: Why?
Jack: Because.
Gibbs: Because why?
Jack: Will, have a picture of a key.
Will: Is this going to help me save Elizabeth?
Jack: ….sure.
Will: Are you lying to me?
Jack: Would I lie to you?
Will: Yes.
Jack: Well, there you go.
Will: But that does not seem like a good thing.
Jack: Neither does the fact that I almost made out with your girlfriend.
Will: What?
Jack: Oh wait, that's later.
On another ship.
Captain: NAKED GIRL ON BOARD!!
Everyone: PARTY!!
Elizabeth: Oh. Yeah…woo! Boobs! Other manly exclamations!
In a swamp...somewhere
Gibbs: Cracken.
Everybody: hehehehe
Jack: I'm going to go party with crazy Jamaican lady.
Gibbs: I gots yo back homie.
Jack: It's the front I'm worried about.
Caitlin: -finally understands sexual innuendo-
Tia-Something has a fascination with doorknobs. They're very useful when they're, you know, connected to a door. On strings however, they seem to be severe head traumas waiting to happen.
Jack: Here, have an undead monkey.
Tia: Okay.
Jack: My compass is broke and I need to find the key in this picture.
Tia: You don't know what you want!
Jack: Sure I do, I want Elizabeth.
Will: What?
Jack: Yes.
Some things occur and the basic point is that there is a key and it unlocks and Davy Jones and chest and properties of a valuable nature and woman, etc, etc, etc.
Baldy: BLACK SPOT!
Jack: Yeah, I got that.
Tia: Here, have some dirt.
Jack: This is a jar of dirt.
Tia: Very astute.
Jack: I always liked dirt.
Tia: I always liked giving people crabs.
Jack: Yeah…I'm going to leave now.
And so Jack and friends leave to find the Flying Dutchman. And it's raining. Because rain creates and ominous and foreboding atmosphere which is highly appropriate when going to frolic with the undead.
Will finds a man with no face. This is the part where I would leave, which is probably why I'm not a pirate.
I really love how Will tries to kill the undead. It's so precious.
Raise your hand if you want a peg leg!
Davy Jones!
Caitlin: …..so that's Davy Jones…… But I still don't get why he has a locker. And I really think he was the guy everyone was in love with on the Brady Bunch.
Davy Jones: Do you fear death?
Harry Potter: No.
Voldemort: Yes.
Harry Potter: -lives-
Voldemort: -dies-
Guess the moral of the story.
Davy: Snort, snort. Death. Party with me.
Dude: Okay.
Davy: Who the hell are you?
Will: Uh, Jack Sparrow sent me to settle his debt.
Davy: Really? And when did listening to Jack start being a good idea?
Will: Well…uh…
Davy: Nobody can be this stupid all the time.
Will: Apparently so.
Davy: Jack, souls. Now.
Jack: But he counts for like 2.49543534! OHH! AND he's in love.
Davy: …
Jack: With a girl. Just to clarify, because it's not really all that obvious that he would for sure like girls. But I checked. He hearts boobs.
Davy: Can you condemn a friend to a lifetime of servitude while you roam free?
Jack: Well, yeah. I mean, it's Will. It's not like he's not really that useful.
Gibbs: So where are we supposed to find all these souls?
Jack: At the soul farm?
Gibbs: Tortuga?
Jack: That kind of seems to be the go-to answer. I mean, we kind of go there for completely irrelevant reasons. Like, we need 99 souls. Or we need to hide from the British navy. Or we need a horcrux. Is there anything not in Tortuga?
Gibbs: Schools? Alcoholics Anonymous?
Jack: Minor details.
Back to the ship o' dumbasses.
Captain Man: All these taxes and tariffs and fees…. Damn the East India Trading Company!
Fen Branklin: We shall dump the tea into the harbor!! Dressed as Indians! Because we can!!
Other Man: Or we can go to Tortuga. Seems more simple.
Apparently Elizabeth is taking night classes to become a master puppeteer. She is failing.
The non-hypothetical not-pirates are really stupid.
TORTUGA!!!!! The answer to everything.
Gibbs: SO…can you inhale oxygen?
Failure #1: Uh…yeah.
Gibbs: How about exhaling carbon dioxide?
Failure #2: Yes.
Gibbs: Can you count to one?
Failure #3: No.
Gibbs: Excellent! Sign the terms of agreement on the dotted line. Congratulations! You've just entered into a lifetime of servitude!
Norrington: I have a story to tell.
Gibbs: I don't care.
Norrington: But-
Gibbs: No.
Norrington: After all we've been through?
Gibbs: Dude, you chased me across the ocean with the British navy.
Norrington: And that means nothing to you?
Gibbs: Well, I mean it was sort of a grand gesture, but it was a rather large nuisance.
Norrington: The signals just got mixed up, my intentions were good though.
Gibbs: Uh…
Norrington: Don't make me incite random violence.
Jack: Fine. Be on the boat.
Random violence still ensues. Because it's Totuga and what else is going to happen. You can't exactly reason with people who have more alcohol than blood in their systems.
You know you've failed when you get thrown out of a bar in Tortuga. When your individual failure embarrasses the collective failure of everyone in the bar, you might as well just quit.
Dramatic organ music. Not just organ music, but dramatic organ music.
Caitlin: Will is too pretty to be on the crap ship.
Kelsey: Will is too gay to be on that ship.
Pirate Man: Haul that line Mr. Turner.
Will: OK!!
Bill: OK!!
Will: Get out of my way bitch!!
Bill: No! WILL!!!
Will: Daddy?
Daddy wasn't there, to take me to the fair, put on my underwear, daddy wasn't there.
Bill: I'll take all the punishment.
Davy Jones: And what would initiate such an act of charity?
Bill: Extreme intoxication.
Davy Jones: Well ok. Beat Will with a stick Be-otch!
Awwww. Family love… shown in the way of lashings. How quaint.
BOSUN!
Ow ow! Will's taking his shirt off. Sexy sexy.
Kelsey: Davy Jones is like getting off to the lashes.
Caitlin: wow.
Will: I don't need any of your help daddy! Get away from me. You don't know me. No one understands me! SHRINE!! SHRINE!!
Harry Potter: Word.
Let's like all the angsty moments we missed while daddy was crewing the hypothetical pirate ship of undead people. I think they need Dr. Fill.
Will: Daddy, I need this key.
Part of the wall: -explains the backstory- DON'T STAB THE HEART!!
Will in the future: -stabs the heart-
Back in Tortuga.
Elizabeth: I want the man I love.
Jack: Meaning me?
Elizabeth: It depends on the time of day and what outfit I'm wearing…. And what Will has just said. More often than not its crap so usually, the answer is yes. MAKE OUT WITH ME!
Jack: No. We must wait until we are entirely sure Will sees us. That way he can be angsty and bitter for the third movie and become a bastard almost screwing everything over.
Elizabeth: Brilliant!
Norrington: I am still drunk.
Jack: You smell funny.
Fake eye: -Inappropriate hand gestures-
Elizabeth: I want Will.
Jack: Really? You sure?
Elizabeth: Yes. –wink, wink. nudge, nudge-
Jack: Look at the compass. It shows you where what you really want is.
Elizabeth: Really?
Jack: No.
Elizabeth: Oh.
Jack: But we'll go with yes for now.
Elizabeth: Oh Jack…. –insert sexual innuendo-
Elizabeth: -looks at compass-
Compass: -points at Jack-
Elizabeth: shit.
Back in Port Royal.
Blah, blah. Babble babble. East India Trading Company. Blah blah. Everyone will die. Etc.
Back on the ship of the hypothetical undead pirates.
Gambling is bad. As Will so kindly shows us.
Fast forwarding to not on the hypothetical undead ship.
Later, Will steals the key because he believes that he is badass. He would be wrong.
Will: I will not rest until this blade pierces his heart. –FORSHADOWING!!-
Gibbs says that everything is bad. So it is.
Gibbs: Will was working for the East India Trading Co. and never said a word.
Jack: That can only mean one thing.
Elizabeth: Well, actually, it could mean a lot of things. It's not like it's a given that Lord wants the beating heart of Davy Jones. As cool as that is and everything, it's not exactly a common goal. Like, someone doesn't say "I want something" and you instantly go, "hide Davy Jones' heart." It's sort of completely random.
Jack: We really don't have time for logic. It's a Disney movie. And there is something called a Cracken and an unstoppable infestation of crabs. Logic is pretty low on the list of things to pay attention to.
Elizabeth: Yeah, I guess.
Gibbs: I think I'm drunk. Still. Or again. I'm really not sure.
Jack: Would you enjoy an altoid?
Gibbs: What?
Jack: They're curiously strong.
Gibbs: If you insist.
While Gibbs enjoys his treat, Jack attempts to elicit sexual favors from Elizabeth. It's sad because it almost works. This is because Elizabeth is a whore.
Jack: Persuade me.
Elizabeth: But Will's not here.
Jack: But I'm so sexy.
Elizabeth: I know and I'm sexually unsatisfied. Sure Will's not actually a eunuch, but he might as well be, if you know what I mean.
Jack: It would be really funny if this conversation was actually happening.
Elizabeth: Can you imagine the law suits?
Jack: Disney would be so screwed.
Elizabeth: I know, right?
Jack: Do you want to continue with the plot?
Elizabeth: No, I want to molest you in a small bathroom.
Jack: Why small?
Elizabeth: It seems more cozy.
Jack: Good point.
Elizabeth: Maybe later, assuming I don't feed you to the Cracken.
Jack: Right, that should be avoided.
Elizabeth: Riiiiiiiiight…-eye shift-
Later
Bringer of Sexual Tension Norrington: There was a time when I would have given anything to have you look like that while thinking about me.
Elizabeth: What are you talking about? I was not fantasizing about small bathrooms.
Norrington: Why small?
Elizabeth: Less room to run.
Norrington: Oh.
Elizabeth: Remember when you shaved?
Norrington: Yeah, that was kind of nice.
Elizabeth: I'm glad that stopped. The whole British lumberjack look is really working for you.
Norrington: Yeah, I was going for the scenester look but the pants were highly uncomfortable.
Elizabeth: Oh?
Norrington: A little tight in the Netherlands.
Elizabeth: You know, how is there ever going to be a second generation of scenesters if they're all crushing their sperms with the tight pants?
Norrington: Not sure. They'll probably steal some rapper's babies. They've got really baggy pants. More room to breathe.
Elizabeth: Probably. Can you leave in a jealous huff so I can play with the compass?
Norrington: Sure.
Compass: You want Jack.
Elizabeth: Crap.
Let's find Will. Because he is occasionally relevant to the story line.
Will: So the dress told you to go to Tortuga?
Random: Ship coming! It's not flying any colors!
Man: Pirates!
Will: Or worse!
Man: What's worse?
Will: Hypothetical undead pirates!
Davy Jones: Feel the wrath of the Cracken!
Caitlin: Um, it's spelled with a "K".
Kelsey: It doesn't spell Crack when you spell it with a K.
The dramatic organ music (which Caitlin feels compelled to sing) means that the Cracken wins at life. And everyone dies except for Will. Who reenacts Titanic and lives because he sort of needs to be around for the third movie. Otherwise he might as well die.
Davy Jones: I am the sea.
Really? Because you sort of look like a guy with an octopus growing out of his face.
Back to the Black Pearl.
Jack: I sense that you are troubled.
Elizabeth: Take me Jack.
Jack: Really?
Elizabeth: I'm so ready to be married.
Jack: No, go back to the other part.
Elizabeth: Married, married, married.
Jack: I am a captain of a ship. And could perform a marr-i-age right NOW.
Elizabeth: Take a bath.
Jack: Trifles.
Elizabeth: There's probably some soap around here somewhere.
Jack: But it's all so flowery.
Elizabeth: What happened to the man soap?
Jack: Will used it all last time he was here.
Elizabeth: But I expected him to use the flowery soap.
Jack: So did I. So I hid all the flowery soap and forgot about the man soap. And you know he would rather smell like man soap than be dirty. So now I have no man soap.
Elizabeth: Tragic.
Jack: I know. We might as well quit looking for the chest, it's all so pointless now.
Elizabeth: Do you think this whole conversation implies that we are ignoring the actual movie?
Jack: More than likely.
Elizabeth: Just so you know, I have faith in you.
Jack: Why? It's not like I've ever done anything that would warrant faith in me. Is this leading into an incredibly obvious moment of sexual tension?
Elizabeth: Yes.
Jack: Good.
Elizabeth: Blah, blah, blah. You'll want to know what it tastes like.
Jack: It's really not that hard to imagine when your face is halfway in my mouth.
Elizabeth: I'm going to mumble some other words so that I can move my face as close as humanly possible to your face.
Jack: Yes, good idea. Let me just look at my hand and be distracted by the untimely return of the Black Spot.
Elizabeth: I'm so proud of you for not molesting me even though I'm already violating you.
Jack: I don't believe you.
Elizabeth: That's because I'm lying.
Jack: Do you want to go dig up Davy Jones' heart now?
Elizabeth: Sure. This sexual tension moment is over anyways.
Jack: Yeah. Bring Norrington. I bet that wouldn't be awkward. Especially if Will shows up for no reason whatsoever.
Elizabeth: Good idea.
Over yonder.
Davy Jones: It's really inconvenient that I can't go on land. Then we could avoid so many problems.
On land.
Jack: Look, a chest. And inside, another chest.
Norrington: You didn't lie to me?
Jack: Why are people always so surprised.
Will shows up.
Jack: Crap.
Will: Because you are a lying crap bag.
Jack: Well yeah.
Elizabeth: I hate you.
Jack: No, you still want to touch me in naughty places.
Elizabeth: Yes, but not as bad.
Will: Let's have a sword fight for various reasons.
Norrington: Would you like to waste a colossal amount talking about why we are fighting?
Jack: Of course.
Fake-Eye: I think I'll narrate the entire situation.
Baldy: And I'll call on Jesus to justify the stealing of the chest.
Elizabeth: I'm not watching the chest! Even though it's the only job I have and we're on an island with a bunch of stupid pirates. It would be completely irresponsible on my part if this got stolen. This is madness!
Totally Ripped Dude in Minimal Amount of Clothing: THIS IS SPARTA!!!
Norrington: I kill you!
Jack: Why?
Norrington: You ruined my life!
Jack: No, that would be Will.
Norrington: Oh. I kill Will!
Will: You know what would be cool?
Jack: What?
Will: If we had this whole fight scene on a giant, spinning wheel.
Norrington: Sweet!
Jack: Why not?
Baldy/Fake-Eye/Elizabeth get to fight the undead pirate crew while Will/Jack/Norrington are fighting over nothing. Yay.
Undead pirates are Mexicans. This is a joke in itself.
Jack has the heart. I guess this is sort of good. For Jack. Not for Davy.
Deciding to run away before anything else can go horribly, horribly wrong, Jack runs off on his tiny little boat. Elizabeth comes too. And the wheel ends up in the ocean. Just because.
Norrington: Hey, I'll just go steal some papers from Jack's boat. Oh look , a jar of dirt. I bet that's where Jack hid Davy Jones' heart. That's the most obvious place to put it. Other than in Elizabeth's fake cleavage.
On Jack's boat.
Will is showing why he really can't act.
Hey look, it's Davy Jones. Guess why this is a bad thing.
Jack: Look! I've got a jar of dirt! I've got a jar of dirt!
Davy: Okay…
Jack: Random ship order that nobody really understands.
And the Black Pearl is blown up for the tenth time. Everyone is talking to the boat like it can hear. Even if it could hear, who's to say that it cares? If I were the boat, I wouldn't give a crap.
Midget: They've given up!
Money says this is not true.
Jack discovers that he never really had Davy's heart. Salty.
Will: It's the Cracken! Get away from the rail! Running to the middle of the ship will totally save everybody from the giant monster of epic doom and destruction!
Elizabeth: Will!
Will: Hold your fire!
Elizabeth: WILL!
Will: Steady!
Elizabeth: I could make out with everybody in a five mile radius!
Will: Easy boys!
Elizabeth: I had sexual tension moments with Jack not even 24 hours ago!
Will: Here, have a gun and shoot things!
Elizabeth: What…okay.
Jack: I'm going to run away now.
Elizabeth: WHAT ABOUT THE BATHROOM!?!?!?!
Jack: Oh. Great. I COMING!
So even though the Cracken ate all the other ship in 1.4534534 seconds, it takes forever to kill the Black Pearl. That's because the Pearl is protected by an infinite amount of sexiness.
Will: Come and get me Cracken!!!
Elizabeth: Does the Cracken even have ears?
Will: Shoot!!
Elizabeth: No, I have to hesitate long enough to cause excessive amounts of problems and create more sexual tension.
Will: Well, then tell Jack to hurry up.
Jack: I've returned to save the world and make out with Elizabeth.
Gibbs: What should we do?
Jack: Abandon ship!
Gibbs: What?
Jack: You are delaying the sexual tension! MOVE IT ALONG!
Elizabeth: I've wanted to molest for like three days.
Jack: Ditto.
Elizabeth: -molests Jack-
Jack: -doesn't mind-
Elizabeth: I'm going to handcuff you to a pole now.
Jack: Ohhh, kinky!
Elizabeth: Well yeah, but I have to leave you handcuffed to the pole so the Cracken can eat you.
Jack: Didn't see that coming.
Elizabeth: I'm not sorry.
Jack: You still want to molest me.
Elizabeth: Not the point.
Jack: A small point.
Elizabeth: Rather large point.
Jack: I get that a lot.
Elizabeth: How scandalized are the ten year olds?
Jack: Hugely scandalized.
Elizabeth: I have to go find Will now.
Jack: I'm sorry.
Elizabeth: Not as sorry as me. You don't have to sleep with him.
Jack: I have to be eaten by a Cracken.
Elizabeth: That pales in comparison.
Jack: True. Are you ever going to leave?
Elizabeth: I'm just making sure Will gets properly angsty.
Jack: I think he's simply wallowing in self-pity.
Elizabeth: Great. The third movie is all set up now.
Jack: Well…uh…
Elizabeth: I'm going to go now. The Cracken and all. We both don't need to be eaten.
Jack: Yeah, and there could be more sexual tension if you were alive.
Elizabeth: Right. Bye now.
Jack: Right. Bye. Send Will my love.
Elizabeth: Okay. Have fun with the Cracken.
Jack: Will do.
Elizabeth leaves. Jack is eaten. Will is a bitter little girl.
Davy Jones realizes that someone stole his heart. Literally. Although, I guess metaphorically too. But who has time for metaphors?
Davy: Hey, now that I have destroyed the Black Pearl and killed Jack, let's make sure my heart is actually in the chest. Because it would suck if it weren't.
Undead Guy: Hey, look at that. The heart is missing.
Davy: Crap muffins.
Undead Guy: Maybe you should have checked that before you killed everyone.
Davy: Would you like to die again?
Port Royal.
Lord: You are tall and dirty.
Norrington: Yeah…
Lord: This is all very provocative.
Norrington: Right. Here have a heart.
Lord: Yours?
Norrington: No. Davy Jones'.
Lord: Oh. That's nice too. I guess.
Norrington: Yeah. Can I take a bath now?
Lord: Can I come too?
In the swamp.
Everyone is mourning Jack's death. But he's not really dead.
Elizabeth: Why are we all so bitter?
Will: Jack's dead.
Harry Potter: Its fun isn't it? Dying without the death part?
Elizabeth: He's not actually dead. I mean, he's obviously in the third movie.
Will: I need to practice my angsty face.
Elizabeth: This is going to get old.
Tia: Where's Jack?
Elizabeth: Temporarily displaced from a state of being.
Will: Could you just set up the third movie?
Tia: Sure.
BARBOSA!!
Barbosa: Do you want to go to China and play in a hurricane?
Will: Why not?
Barbosa: You could turn into crabs if you want.
Tia: Score.
The Trilogy is set up.
Expelliarmus kills Voldemort.
A/N: Hi. Now that you've read it, review! It took us like 3 hours to write so you should leave a review that'll take you 4.46574 seconds. Remember what we said about sliced bread? You know you do. Be better than sliced bread! Review!