Alcohol
A Jacob/Bella Fic
by: SabrinaYutsuki
Italicized, centered words are lyrics excerpts from "Grace is Gone" by Dave Matthews Band (a wonderful song). I jumbled up the order of the lines, but all the lyrics are his, not mine.
I don't own Twilight.
ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo
Excuse me please, one more drink.
Could you make it strong,
Cause I dont need to think.
She broke my heart,
My grace is gone.
The good thing about alcohol is that for a short period of time, you forget the pain and the angst that reality brings and you live in this small and happy bubble.
The bad thing about alcohol is that after that brief episode of "happiness", you wake up with a headache the size of the angst you carry around your back everyday, and in the loneliness of your pad, you wonder who is going to nurse you back to good health, while you lie suffering on your bed.
It was a fact that Jacob Black knew too well - a routine he had grown accustomed to.
A night of forgetting, a day of mourning.
Mourning for the loss of Bella Swan.
When Bella Swan walked down the aisle that fateful day, it was final. She had chosen to give up her soul for an eternal life. It seemed like the perfect path to take - beauty... power... immortality with the person she loved above all... So grandiose that she had forgotten all the things she was going to give up - and that eventually it was going to lead to a life of isolation.
Either she had forgotten or she had put them aside voluntarily.
She said that day, when things were simple and the treaty did not create a boundary between them, that she did not have a choice.
It was a careless thing to say.
A month after the honeymoon, Edward and Bella "died in an accident". It was the best excuse to hide her away forever. To make sure no one came looking for them as she suffered the effects of the first bite - the transformation... the bloodlust... the pain... the feeling of anguish as her soul ebbed away, and her memories slowly faded.
He knew how it felt because he felt it with her.
Miles away, he could hear her screaming.
His connection with her had never wavered. Probably never will.
She broke my heart,
My grace is gone.
After a month, things became quiet and she started living the serene life she was hoping for. He thanked the gods for that - even though deep down inside, the emptiness was eating him up like a ravenous beast.
That was when alcohol became his best friend.
A night of forgetting, a day of mourning.
His friends tried to beg him to stop, but they had surrended. For now, this was his only escape. A meager balm to his wounds. They were going to support him by letting him be.
(Isolation.)
She didn't feel the pain anymore. It was all just him.
I could never love again,
So much as I love you.
Where you end, where I begin,
Is like a river going through.
The year passed by quickly. He could hardly remember what he'd done all those days. It was as if he was on standby as the rest of the world whizzed past by him.
Till one day, the routine had been put to an abrupt halt.
Charlie was killed in a shooting accident. Dead on arrival.
Miles away, Bella found out about it - she didn't know how. Perhaps, she felt the remaining fragments of her heart smoldering into nothingness. She started wailing again... The feeling of anguish came back, now tenfold.
(Isolation... Regret.)
Jacob couldn't do anything to help.
Edward was doing all he could, but Bella wasn't snapping back to the reality of the choices she had made.
She remembered all the things she gave up.
Jacob couldn't do anything to help her.
She was in pain. He was, too.
He went to the bar earlier and stayed longer ever since then.
A week later, in the darkness of the bar, sitting on an uncomfortable cold bar stool he would quickly warm up, the bartender gave him a shot of his favorite whiskey.
One shot.. two shots... three... four... five... He stopped counting from there.
Today, however, after the last gulp of his third glass, he decided to call it quits.
One drink to remember,
And another to forget.
How could I ever dream to find a love like this again?
One drink to remember, another to forget...
And that's when he felt it.
A presence.
Her presence.
It's heavy on my mind, it's heavy on my mind.
There she was, in the far corner, elbows propped on the distressed mahogany table - her chiseled jaws and blue eyes a stark contrast to this seedy bar; her pale face glowing in the darkness of the room.
Take my heart, take my eyes,
Cause I'll need them no more.
If never again they'll fall upon,
The one I so adore.
Jacob stood up from his bar stool, eyes locked onto her.
"You know that girl over there? She's been coming here for a week. Pretty sight, doncha think? It's amazing that none of the guys have gone up to harass her or somethin'", the bartender inquired.
The werewolf could only nod.
She's been coming here for a week. Ever since Charlie...
A few crisp bills were hastily dumped at the bar table, and he walked to her, thoughts ricocheting in every corner of his mind. He didn't know how he managed to pick up his guts enough to call her attention. I believe they call it dutch courage - something to thank the alcohol for. She awoke from her daydream, her slender finger resting on the rim of her beer mug.
The vampire's face became a kaleidoscope - surprise, that momentary glimmer of happiness, then sadness... regret.
(Isolation... Regret.)
You think of things impossible,
Then the sun refuse to shine.
I woke with you beside me,
Your cold hand lay in mine.
"Jacob Black..."
The way she said it... the twang... the way each syllable was pronounced like a poem...
Impeccable.
Unreal.
"So..."
'Small talk. Best option.'
"So the bartender says he's amazed that none of the brawns have gone up to hit on you. One of your newfound powers?"
She wore a thin smile.
"Yeah... I can make people look at things differently... Change their perspective... When those jerks pass by, all they see is this warty old man. But I didn't do that to the bartender, he's a good guy."
He chortled a bit.
But his expression grew grim thereafter.
"Did you do that to me, too? Is that why I only saw you now?"
She stared at him... her dull blue eyes boring into his.
"No... Not to you... Never to you."
(Regrets...)
The pained expression was hard to stomach. But he knew he was wearing the same expression.
'Lighten up the conversation. That's the way to go.'
"Do bloodsu... you lot get drunk from alcohol?"
She shook her head. "Nope, we just get a bit woozy, and our eyes turn this dull shade of blue. That's pretty much it..."
He gazed at her large beer mug.
"Somehow, I'd figured you for a glass of red wine."
Another smile. This time, somehow, her eyes twinkled... Almost.
"Actually, for some reason, the taste of red wine makes me vomit. This beer is the only drink that sits well with me."
Red wine vs. Beer.
Perfection vs. Normalcy.
Edward vs. Jacob.
A guy can think about it that way, right?
They continue on like this for hours. Small talk. Trying to avoid the many land mines that adorned almost every space of the conversation. Sometimes attempting to brave those mines... "Do you still think you didn't have a choice?"... "Would you have chosen me had you known this would have happened?"... "I love Edward and amidst all this pain... I have no regrets."
A lot of rubble left in the aftermath. Shrapnels of memories... what if's... Heartache.
The hours drew on till it was an hour before sunrise.
Time for her to go.
She traced her finger on the rim of her beer mug. Over and over again.
(Isolation...)
I could never love again,
So much as I love you.
Where you end, where I begin,
Is like a river going through.
There wasn't a good way of saying it.
She looked up at him - "I better go." Her mouth moved that way but her mind was urging her to say "Can we stay longer? Stay till forever?"
He couldn't stop her.
But perhaps he could ask for a small final request.
"Bella?"
"Can you make me see... how things were? Back when our biggest problem was hiding motorcycles from our parents?"
She bit her lip, almost to the point of bleeding, then nooded to acquiesce his request.
A foggy haze enshrouded his vision, and when the smoke cleared, the dim, humid room was replaced by the majestic sunlight of La Push and the cool breeze that blew every so often. He could see her right in front of him, heart badly bruised by her loved one's hasty departure, face imperfect and perfectly beautiful at the same time, eyes with a stubborn resolution for thrillseeking. The scene was so vivid that he could hardly swallow the fact that it wasn't real.
He would give anything to live forever in those moments, but eternity was not something for humans... And in a second, the vision had completely vanished, had not even the decency to slowly dissipate so that Jacob could again get used to the darkness of his present reality. In front of him, she still sat, dull blue eyes and pale perfect skin drowning in tears. It felt heartwrenching seeing her state. Seeing her cry always made him feel that way.
His calloused finger moved up to her face to wipe off the tears. Warm fingers on cold, hard skin.
He felt like embracing her with all his might and taking him away to a happy place - one devoid of tears.
"Don't cry Bells... A vampire doesn't cry."
Vampire. He called her a vampire. It was the first time he'd ever uttered that word with such gentleness.
"We don't. But I do... for you. Always for you."
It was an unfair thing to say. In a few minutes, the sun would threaten to come up and she'd be gone in a flash.
She realized that, too, and a look of guilt crossed her eyes as she quickly tried to apologize - "I'm sorry I..."
He silenced her. Hot finger on cold, full lips.
She swallowed the bitter pill of remorse.
"I better be going, Jacob."
Your cold hand lay in mine.
A quick squeeze of his warm hands... Then a quick release. As though she was also haphazardly releasing a part of her that never died... Never will. Her graceful form started walking towards the door.
"Bells?"
She stopped, turned towards him abruptly. It was impossible for her to give him up. It was just impossible.
"You're still you. Before the vision. After the vision. I see the same Bells."
The words weren't poetic... didn't sound like they came from a Shakespeare novel... But they were the most poignant words that could ever be spoken.
She smiled. Her first real smile.
The memory of her smiling like that, radiating a warmth despite her cold hard exterior, was a memory that was going to soothe him to sleep every single night.
She rushed to him, gave him a peck on the forehead, tears falling again that she could taste their saltiness, and muttered a "Goodbye... I love you..." so quiet that if he were not so in tuned with her, he would not have heard.
He responded with the same breathlessness - "You know I love you."
And with that, she was gone, leaving behind a faint cold air tickling his warm nose.
It took several moments for him to fully wake up from his stupor. And when he did, he ordered one last drink from the bartender.
One last drink.
One more drink, and I'll move on.
One more drink, and I'll be gone One more drink,
... my grace is gone.
One final drink.
.FIN.