Disclaimer: Me: I, unfortunately, "Sniff" do… not own… the lord of the rings. "Bursts into tears" Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Legolas: It's ok. I'll still love you.

Me: Really?

Legolas: Hell no! You look like an orc!

Me: Oh really? "Stares at him evily"

2 HOURS L8R.

Me: "Throws unconscious Legolas down the stairs" Well that's over

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CHAPTER 1: Abducted and/or Arwen's surprising rant.

It was Aragorn and Arwen's wedding day, only two weeks after the war of the ring and the whole fellowship was there to witness the joyous moment including Boromir, who had been briefly reincarnated as a very fluffy, very pink and very, very angry, girl parrot. Arwen and Aragorn were just about to kiss when a voice rang out, "I object!" everyone turned to stare at Pippin, "Oh no! I meant I object to the restaurant that Frodo wants to go to." He turned to the other hobbits, "KFC is so better than !" They began to argue again.

Aragorn looked at them confusedly and then shook his head and leaned towards Arwen's lips. Suddenly an orc ran in with a pizza box, "Who ordered a double cheese and pepperoni?" Everyone turned to stare at Sam, " Oh sure blame the fat one!" Then Gandalf stepped forward, "Sorry, that would be mine." he said. Sam was grumbling as the orc gave Gandalf his pizza and then burst into sparkly confetti.

Everyone had a W.T.F. look on their faces.

"Well if that's over…" said a slightly pissed off, and even more confused Aragorn, who then leaned towards Arwen again, their lips only an inch apart when…

"Hey! Get your filthy claws off! He's mine!"

"You've got to be f*cking kidding me!" screamed a very angry king of Gondor. Everyone turned to the newest interruption to find a beautiful, tanned girl with brown, curly hair standing at the end of the wedding aisle. She was wearing jeans and a T-shirt with Gollum printed on it and she had sparkly Rudolf antlers in her hair. And she was holding Gandalf's staff.

"Oh f*ck" was all that Gandalf had time to say before the entire fellowship disappeared in a flash of lavender scented smoke…

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…and reappeared. In someone's basement.

As they all began to wake up after the inter-world-traveling induced coma, they noticed that they were tied to separate chairs Oh! And Pippin was gagged. "Shit! Not again!" said Legolas. The other eight stared at him, "What? It's not the first time that I've been kidnapped by a teenage fangirl." he said looking faintly ticked off. Then the door opened and two girls walked in arm in arm. The first was the girl who had captured them. She looked around 15 and was actually quite kind looking even if she was holding them against their will. The other girl looked a bit younger, only around 13. She had long, light-brown, wavy hair that fell to her shoulders. Her nose was covered with a spattering of freckles and she was quite pretty too. The two were exact opposites. Light and Dark. Ying and Yang. The pale girl's eyes were a beautiful ocean blue whereas the tanned girl's eyes were a very dark, flashing brown. The pale girl was dressed the same as their captor but was wearing a light-blue skirt and a sparkly headband with shamrocks on springs on it.

The dark girl walked around them, bowing and saying "My lord" to them all, with a velvet accent, until she got to Legolas, where she said "My prince" and smiling coyly she touched his hair. He looked bored and slightly irritated as he peered up at her. When she passed Boromir all she did was sneer. Aragorn wasn't so lucky. "You." The other girl was not very happy with her friend's address of the king and went to him first, apologising for the other's behaviour. She gave Legolas the same treatment as the one before but seemed more embarrassed and was blushing when she joined her friend.

They spoke together as if they had practised it, "We hope that you had a nice journey my lords!" The dark one stepped forwards, "I am Ashabi Louise," she said bowing low," I cannot wait for us to get better aquainted." She shot a quick glance at Legolas when she said this. Then it was the others turn, "I am Lanni Danni," she stuttered, obviously nervous, "It is a pleasure to meet you all." She bowed quickly before leaving.

Ashabi turned to the eight legends in the room, "I am in need of slaves and have chosen you for the roles," she explained, "you will be kept here until you submit to me, your powers and/or skills. Until then…" she walked over to Pippin and un-gagged him, "Pippin would you like to tell the others your life story?" Pippin beamed, "Of course!" The rest of the fellowship groaned and Boromir began to wish that he was still dead, or at least that he was a human and not a parrot. Ashabi smiled, "…enjoy!"

Back in Gondor, a very angry Arwen and a very confused couple of hundred, innocent bystanders had been struggling to understand what had happened. When (the slightly dumb) Arwen finally got it, she turned a frightening shade of plum. She looked like a volcano that was overdue to explode. "You've got to be kidding! First I find out that I'm gonna die because of the (blinking) guy that I fell in love with, then my dad says that I can't (censored) marry him, then I find out that he's going on a quest that could (beeping) kill him!...

2 HOURS L8R!

"And now he's (flicking) disappeared!"

Everyone was staring at her with their mouths hanging open, both shocked at the vocabulary that she used, and impressed that she was able to rant for so long without repeating herself even once. Of course, Elrond was not happy that Arwen was using such colourful language, "Arwen. If you swear one more time I'm not letting you marry Aragorn! " This was not a smart thing to do as the new queen of Gondor was looking for someone to vent her anger on. She turned to her father and screamed, "I AM SICK OF YOU RUNNING MY LIFE YOU OVERBEARING, CONCEITED, SELFISH JERK! I CAN TAKE CARE OF MY OWN (!$%&** #) LIFE!" Then she realised that she'd sworn again," Shit." Her father glared at her. "Can I marry Legolas then? He was my second choice." She asked.

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MWAHAHAHAHAHA!