Title: I Was Born Good and Driven to Evil
Summary: What was it that caused Peter to ever consider joining the Death Eaters? What if it started out as black mail, but became a passion? What if he could never admit the truth to his friends? "I didn't mean to-the Dark Lord, he can be very persuasive!" Peter's look back on his life as death comes to him by his own silver hand.
May Waters
Note: Please note this is my theory on what drove Peter Pettigrew to ever become a Death Eater. He has a special place in my heart and I hate when people needlessly hate on him. He's my adorable, chubby rat. It's also been a while since I wrote in first person, so I apologize for any discrepancies.
I was never "evil" from the beginning. I had always been a little scared of my shadow and the magic I could produce. My mother was a squib and she couldn't explain what magic was to me because of all she had endured. I also once had a sister, she was a baby when I left for Hogwarts and my friends never met her. Her name was Katie and I spent my summers taking care of her as my mother turned towards alcohol to try and drown the fact her children were magical. She had, for so long, been shunned from the magical world and it felt like she'd been forced into the spotlight by having us. I was a good boy who cared for my family when my dad left us. I don't know why he left, mum never told me. I would take up muggle summer jobs, even as a small child, to try and help provide for us. We didn't get new things often and trying to even pay for my school things would be hard. I saved a lot of cash before I turned eleven just so I could maybe buy a wand. It was all I could afford too; I didn't have a cauldron, books, and potion's ingredients. I had homemade robes my mother sewed out of blankets which were too far gone to be called anything but rags.
There's a little hovel on the edge of Bristol which is our house, it's hardly inhabitable, but we managed to get by. It didn't all really start falling apart until I went to Hogwarts. Up until then we were a half working family unit who loved each other despite our struggles and differences in ability. My sister Katie and I were close and she even came on a few jobs with me to try and help earn a little more money during the summers. I don't know if we had to pay for the house, mum was in charge of all the bills, but I remember there was no electricity. We had a candle given to us, it was the one for all our personal business about our rooms at night or when the day was particularly dark. Each candle had to last at least a month since they were so expensive. We never had fancy meals, except for a turkey at Christmas. I don't remember ever receiving a toy as a present either, we were given what we needed to survive and it was enough. Clothes were a delight to get at this time of year, especially if we got two shirts instead of one. We coveted socks and I remember searching through city dumpsters for old socks which were thrown away so we could have a little something extra. The one year I found a scarf, I gave it to Katie. She had it up until the day she died.
Then the time came when I had to go to Hogwarts. I remember not wanting to leave because my mother would struggle to care for Katie, she was two then. I was glad to make three friends at Hogwarts, James, Remus, and Sirius. I never told them anything about my life at home though; I didn't want to see pity in their eyes or for them to feel the need to support us. I tried to stay upbeat and struggled with some forms of magic, but they were kind and willing to help me get better. They did wonder why my trunk wasn't the Hogwarts prescribed one and why I didn't own any of the required text books. I didn't know what to say and mentioned we struggled a bit with money, but I'd be working over the summer to try and afford books for the next year. They made no comment about my robes as Remus' were little better than mine, they all seemed to understand and let me borrow theirs for study, assignments, and class work. This situation continued on for several years, each year I was careful to only buy a book I would need in future course work, such as Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them rather than pay for books which would change every year. I finally received my first cauldron just before fourth year and my work for Professor Slughorn increased immensely, I was proud I could capture his attention for even a moment with Lily and Snape as competition in my classes.
I needed help in becoming an animagus because I wasn't able to purchase or borrow the proper books like my friends, they let me borrow them, but I couldn't quite get the theories behind it because I wasn't able to refer back to past assignments from first year. It was just after seventh year when everything changed though. I felt like I truly belonged as a wizard in the world after managing to successfully pass my N.E.W.T.'s. I think my mates were proud of my accomplishments as well. My mother didn't seem to think too much of them when I returned home, I spent my days working low class muggle jobs, learning how to con strangers out of a little extra money. During my years at Hogwarts we always knew which houses we embodied. I suppose the boys thought I had some Hufflepuff in me too, but when it came down to the end of it all, I just wasn't enough yellow and black. I didn't know loyalty from my childhood, I learned it from my friends, but the Dark Lord knows exactly which cards to play-what to hold over your head. He slaughtered them you see; I don't know why he targeted me of all people. I wonder if it was because I was weak and could be easily manipulated, content to hide behind more powerful wizards than I because I struggled to live a life of fulfillment. I was riddled with all sorts of diseases which later left me obese as I became healthy once more; it's not something you can simply change.
It was just before Katie was to attend Hogwarts when it all happened, Lord Voldemort showed up and I didn't know anything about her or my mother's safety. I was wandless and at his mercy. I cried for him to kill me and leave my family be, but it wasn't enough for him. No, he used my sister and forced me to betray my friends. I only ever had her in my mind as I made the decision which would forever change the course of my life. He promised me I would have my sister back, she'd be safe and in my care, if only I were to join the Death Eater's and help him with a very special mission. He had heard the prophecy, I don't know where he heard it from, but James and Lily were in hiding for this very reason. The Dark Lord wanted to find them and destroy them and their child before it was born. I wanted to refuse, but the safety of my sister overrode my loyalty to my friends. I became cunning and attempted to work out how to let him reach the Potter's. I never managed it before Harry was born though; the Dark Lord punished me and I screamed for just a glimpse of my sister to make sure she was alright. Little did I know, she had been murdered the night he recruited me, it had been a blood bath in Bristol and my family were just two of the many. I was lucky to have survived. Lord Voldemort refused to let me see her because I had not completed my mission. Then the time came when I could help the Dark Lord finish off his biding. I was made the Potter's secret keeper. It was then and there I wanted to scream for them to not do it, to give it to someone else, that I was the spy and could not be trusted. I wanted to spill everything I had kept hidden for so longue, but it was as if some sort of dark magic held my tongue and I could not express my concerns. I delivered their location safely to my new master who was pleased with the outcome.
Only a week later and all my fears were realized. I feared for the bravery sitting within my heart, because I had had the courage to let my best friends be killed. I had let their infant child face death without knowing the good or bad in life. I yearned for a way to hide my wrong doing and wash my hands of the blood I had spilt. It was that night I returned to Bristol, the same night I learned my sister and mother had long since been dead. All of my actions for my family, to prove my nobility, had been for naught. It all ended when Sirius came after me of course, my secrets were up and I saw no reason to strive to be good. In the end I had chosen the dark path and I would need to pay for it. I sadly made the choice to forge a life in hiding, I managed to pin the murder of my friends on him, I knew he would take the guilt as he had persuaded them to use me in the beginning. I wish I could've told him I wished he hadn't done it; I wish he had known the reason behind it all. I wish I had the faith to have confided in my friends all those years ago. My wishes are just broken dreams I have as I kneel on this stone floor.
Most of all, I wish I could've let you know all of this Harry. I hope you know I died with bravery and something of nobility. Please know I was still a Gryffindor. The hat never made the wrong choice with me; I embody what is most important to the founder who chose me as his apprentice. I wonder what would've happened if I had embodied what Helga Hufflepuff loved, perhaps I wouldn't have gone to the dark side. I would've been able to stand with the same conviction as Sirius and Remus when they swore they would've died rather than betray their friends. Harry, if you remember anything of me as I watch you trying to save my life, please remember me as a man who made some wrong choices but now will give his life so you may live. Perhaps this is just a time for me to atone for what I did to my friends all those years ago. I'll tell them you said "hi," I think they'd like that. I know they've watched you, they've watched me too. I hope they've learned the truth, I hope they will accept me back as their friend. Harry, stay alive. Live life and never forget what you've witnessed today. Never forget me or what I've done, become a better man and show the world it is possible to love even the worst of people. I could never love myself in the past for my choices, but here I learn to love myself because of who I am. Goodbye Harry.