Alright so I joined WHHSMB&G (marching band) as a guard girl and during my second year I meet the 3 most insane people. A drummer TKB17 A clarinet The Log Rabbi and Another guard girl (. my twin) Nimbus mm. All throughout the season we would sit at competitions and on band bus ride witnessing pure insanity. Our response to the insanity was "this is why we can't have nice things." So with their help we know have a list of 150 reasons why we can't have nice things. I hope this amuses you like it amused us.
TKB17-guy
The Log Rabbi-Guy
Me-Girl
Nimbus mm- Girl
150 reasons why our marching band can't have nice things….
1. TKB17
2. The Log Rabbi
3. Jada (not even in marching band with us)
4. TKB17 and the Log Rabbi
5. Me TKB17 and the Log Rabbi
6. Me and the Log Rabbi
7. Me and TKB17
8. Me!
9. Nick
10. Drumline
11. Aaron
12. Pat
13. Darren and Fran (they each count for half)
14. Tyler
15. Chaz
16. Donald
17. Victoria
18. Donald and Victoria
19. Lexi
20. The guard
21. Chaz Donald and Aaron
22. Chaz and Donald
23. Donald and Aaron
24. Chaz and Aaron
25. Darren Fran Donald Chaz Aaron Victoria and Tyler
26. Grace and Nathan and it was shaking (Nimbus mm: Just do what I do and
don't ask questions)(TKB17:...that really doesn't work...)
27. Victoria's hands (Nimbus mm: If you can't see em, you don't want to know
what they are doing)
28. Donald's hands (Nimbus mm: No one REALLY wants to know what these
are doing is you can't see em)
29. The four hour ride to band camp and the 69
30. The band couples that include drumline members and or Sarah (Nimbus
mm: they never last long and much rape is involved)
31. Blankets (Nimbus mm: no one wants to know what happens under the blankets)
32. Hitler (Nimbus mm: it's all his fault. me: No its TKB17's it's on the
list.)(TKB17:...I resent that...)
33. Katy wanting to name her child Chlamydia (Nimbus mm: this is NOT an
appropriate name for a child)(TKB17:...in her defense it is fun to say...)
34. The drum closet (Nimbus mm: Never Ever Ever enter the Drum closet
unless you are a member of drumline me: or liked by the drumline as a guy
otherwise you may hate your life….)
(The Log Rabbi: This includes me. I have taken naps in the buckets in the drum
closet. They're oddly comfortable.)(TKB17: he's not kidding. It's also a great
place to hide from having to help load the bus...)
35. Stuff being rape in some countries (According to the author, who says this quite often)
36. Huddles including me TKB17 the Log Rabbi Nimbus mm Katy Nick Sam and 2 blankets when we've been outside in the rain all day and it's about 29 degrees at night. (Nimbus mm: We were cold, the blanket and huddle was warm. You could hear often though, whose hand/foot/other body part is this?)
37. Being put on lockdown at 1 in the morning. (Nimbus mm: It's sad but this happened when we got back from a competition)(TKB17: we spent 45min throwing stuff at each other...)
38. Wal-Mart in a six flags
39. A McDonalds in a Wal-Mart in a six flags
40. A church in a McDonalds in a Wal-Mart in a Six Flags. Nimbus mm: (If anyone mentions this again I will probably murder them. Get over it and forget it. It was just Chaz, Donald and Aaron being idiots on the bus ride back from a competition sometime past midnight)
41. White people can't drink Kool-aid. (Hell yes we can!)
42. THE RESTURANT on the way back from band camp. (Me: was literally called the restaurant) (Nimbus mm: What kind of an idiot names a restaurant "The Restaurant"?)
43. Using the guy's bathroom on the way back from band camp.
44. Sucky band camp food. (Nimbus mm: Seriously it was terrible…no one is exactly sure of what everything was)
45. Geese from band camp. (Nimbus mm: Damn geese pooped over everything, poor Akilah, she got bombed)
46. It's always TKB17's fault. (Nimbus mm: everything is Always his fault)(TKB17: No it's not! I just always get framed for stuff...)
47. It's always TKB17's fault he has to go fix it (Nimbus mm: hee hee, like his stupid comments…took y'all ten minutes to get me to come back. Me: if you weren't difficult we wouldn't have to…)(TKB17:...I hate you all...)
48. He fucks it up. (Nimbus mm: Always…)(TKB17:...)
49. He has to go fix it again and finally succeeds. (Nimbus mm: it still took 10 minutes)(TKB17:...I hate you all...)
50. TKB17 chases The Log Rabbi around trees. (The Log Rabbi: This occurred during school, with a few hundred people watching us. We laughed for a long time afterwards.)(TKB17: he's not kidding...and the sad thing was shit like that happens often...)
51. We get kicked out of the Mall. (Nimbus mm: okay…so you see what had happened was… the author and myself saw a shiney store (DEB) and we tried to drag TKB17 and The Log Rabbi into it, ended up chasing them around the mall and dragging them by their jackets, feet and anything else we could hold onto by. The Log Rabbi ended up on his back on the ground with me dragging him by his foot, and TKB17 was trying to get him away from us… me: we succeeded in getting the Log rabbis foot in the store!)(TKB17: *shudders*)
52. We laugh about being kicked out
53. We look for reasons to not have nice things. (Nimbus mm: the four of us made this list over about 3 days; we spent several hours discussing it via texting. We could probably add more things)
54. We buy Yorkshire patties (Nimbus mm: That was Nathan! He brought a box of 2 year old stale Yorkshire patties to band camp. They bounced on concrete. Me: actually it was pat) (The Log Rabbi: They sometimes bounced. Other times they fragmented/shattered)(TKB17: and it was a big box to. There were 200 of them, and when I threw them Donald and Kevin coward in fear.)
55. We throw said patties at each other. (Nimbus mm: There was war in the
drumline+ Donald, the Log Rabbi and Chaz cabin. The Log Rabbi and TKB17 cowered behind pillows in a corner. The author and myself heard about it afterward) (The Log Rabbi: They started with baseball with the patties and a 3-liter pop bottle, then we threw random pop bottles at each other, then we threw the patties.)(TKB17: by the end of the week we were finding them EVERYWHERE)
56. Because our Band director said so.
57. The Alumni office fucks it up.
58. People vote no on tax levies. (Nimbus mm: Give us money! We need it!)
59. Nimbus mm chases The Log Rabbi after he stole her hairbrush. Nimbus
mm: (Okay, so you see what had happened was…I tried to hit him with my shoe, then he stole that, then I tried to hit him with my hairbrush so he managed to get that too, with help of others. I spent a while chasing him around and got my hairbrush back, then spent a half hour trying to hit him with the hairbrush to get my shoes back. I finally threw the hairbrush and missed. I believe Scotty has a video. He was sticking his head out of the car watching us laughing his head off)
60. The disembodied hand. (Nimbus mm: Noah just had to play Duck-Duck-Goose with it. TKB17 and I tried to grab it and/or hit him with the hairbrush when he came near us. He learned to avoid us. The author cowered with her hands on her head saying "don't touch my hair!)
61. The Log Rabbi was a human sized Barbie doll (his hair flattens!) (The Log Rabbi: FUCK YOU! IT'S A JEWFRO! IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE FLAT!)
62. Because you angered the Big Headed Tiki Gods and Smurf Colony in The Log Rabbi's Jewfro. (Nimbus mm: …) (The Log Rabbi: Among the other random things that live there.)
63. Darren's Jewfro (Nimbus mm: It's bigger than The Log Rabbi's!)
64. The Log Rabbi's Jewfro (Nimbus mm: He can hide things in it)
65. The Hug rape (Nimbus mm: Dammit TKB17!)(TKB17:hehehe...)
66. Surprise Butt Sex (pat a.k.a drumline.)
67. The frying pan (The Log Rabbi: You see, what had happened was… Aaron was playing L4D2 on insane, and he had run out of ammo, so he was running around killing zombies with a frying pan. He ran around a corner, and there was a tank. [For those that don't know, imagine a human the size of a large bear, then put them on steroids.] He then started yelling about there being a tank and just having a frying pan. Everyone laughed at his pain.)(Me: yea guard girls walked past the cabin that night and heard "FUCK FUCK FUCK there is a tank and a witch and all I have is a frying pan…FUCK FUCK I'm SCREWED!")
68. Kevin hitting puberty (Nimbus mm: his voice cracked while at band camp. Twas funny) (The Log Rabbi: While he was asleep, he mumbled randomly for a few minutes, getting progressively louder, then said 'no vegetables'. It was amusing.)
69. The fact this is rule 69. (Nimbus mm: …)
70. Nimbus mm chasing TKB17 around for his hat. Nimbus mm: (I did this many times)
71. Nimbus mm tackling TKB17 for his hat. Nimbus mm: (I want the hat!)
72. Nimbus mm, Me, the Log Rabbi and TKB17. (Nimbus mm: We are a cult. We can spend several hours together just talking and not get bored)
73. L4D2 at band camp (The Log Rabbi: Okay, so this one time at band camp, me and TKB17 were playing L4D2. On the overpass level in an area with a few of those shipping crates, a witch jumped out and starts mauling TKB. he was shooting up at it with his pistol that randomly appeared when he started getting mauled, the two AI's were shooting at it, and I was standing on one of the shipping crates with a machinegun, shooting the witch and any other zombies that happened to appear. It took a few minutes to kill it.)
74. Breaking Nimbus mm's hair brush. (Nimbus mm: I threw it at The Log Rabbi after he stole my shoe. I missed and it broke on the asphalt then the handle hit Fonz's Souza)
75. Denting Nick's trombone with a Mallet hit from TKB17.(TKB17: in my defense he had been trying to ball tap me all week...)
76. Ball Tapping Nimbus mm: (For us girls, this is hilarious)
77. Guys standing in a circle around Chaz Donald and Aaron holding their junk for fear of being Ball tapped. (Nimbus mm: This too is hilarious)(TKB17:...no, it's really not...)
78. Ball Tapping Theo Nimbus mm: (Poor Theo. He got ball tapped about 5 times the same day during a break on Saturday all-day rehearsal me: Twas a Friday when we had to be there and everyone else had a fucking records day!)
79. Taking Video of it. (Nimbus mm: And pictures. I have pictures on my phone)
80. Chucking his shoes in a tree. (Nimbus mm: Theo just was not having a good day. I believe Chaz also gave him a wedgie. Then TKB17 did the same. Me: Chaz sat on him… Chaz is big man!)
81. Because it is vibrating
82. Because we are well aware of the difference between vibrating and shaking.
83. Shell (Nimbus mm: The guard instructor. Oh god…)
84. Scotty (Nimbus mm: He is the drumline instructor. Probably conceived inside of a drum case)
85. Shell and Scotty
86. Man Shuddup B (Nimbus mm: Low brass's catch phrase...)
87. Because steel drums are expensive
88. Nathan Waffle. (Nimbus mm: Nathan owes the author a waffle. He has owed her this for about a year. His nickname is now Nathan Waffle)
89. We brag about being insane (Nimbus mm: Yep… The four of us (the author, TKB17, the Log Rabbi and myself) are an insane cult and proud of it. Now we need a name)
90. We consider ourselves a cult. (Nimbus mm: An insane one. We still need a name)
91. We have KKK coats with black people in them. Nimbus mm: (They are our raincoats; they are long navy blue trench coats and have our name on the inside of the hood. So you see what had happened was…It was raining at a competition so we all had our long black band raincoats on with the hoods, which are pointy, up. A group of us band and guard members were standing in a group talking, and someone from another band said "They look like the KKK" Then several of us turned around, including Fonz, the author and Theo, and that person said, "HOLY SHIT! They have black people too!" Yea, our band is a cult too…)
92. We got ignant black people. (We aren't racist I just like the word ignant and I'm black.) (Nimbus mm: CoughChazandDonaldCough)
93. Because you see what had happened was… (Nimbus mm: The author's introduction when telling a story. Many of us have adopted it)
94. Because the four of us actually had this conversation (Nimbus mm: The conversation on why we can't have nice thing)
95. Donald and Victoria stole Nimbus mm's seat (me: let it go twin… nimbus mm: Not until Donald graduates.) (Nimbus mm: He stole my seat!) (The Log Rabbi: ...I was sitting there too...)(TKB17: LET IT GO!)
96. Maypoles (Nimbus mm: Damn the maypoles- they were guard props for our show. Actually they were modified volleyball standards and heavy as hell)
97. Margaret and her being a tree with a squirrel that eats her nuts….
98. Sarah being raped by like 10 guys as everyone else laughs their asses off pull out a camera phone and take video and pics. (Nimbus mm: They weren't actually raping her, but she was lying on the ground with about 10 guys, mostly low brass and drumline tackling and or tickling her. Heck, even a gay guy was in the pile. That was hilarious to the rest of us standing back taking pics and videos; I still have the pics…)
99. Mr. Ellis Scotty Steven and the Jell-O the fruit bits and it was shaking. (Nimbus mm: We destroyed the author's mental picture processor with this image; although we added shell to the mix me: it STILL burns.)
100. The drum closet (in its entirety. All that has/will happen/s in their. (The Log Rabbi: Especially when the lights were off.)
101. Padding muffling and Stick bags. (Nimbus mm: There is a box in the drum closet that says this on it…The author, myself and Katy went in there after school once after drumline had gone home and saw this. Being perverted, and knowing what goes on inside the drum closet, we took this differently…)
102. Our band director and his off putting pedophedioness(TKB17: he's not actually a pedophile.) (Me: he isn't but he gives off a pedophile like aura.)
103. We change in parking lots and get asked "do they know they are outside?"
104. TKB17's carrier (TKB17: Piece of shit didn't have a back!) Nimbus mm: (It's really messed up. Its broken, has no padding, the back is a piece of rope and it's shorter than all the rest on account of TKB17 grew about a foot this year. He is now as tall as me, before he was about up to my chin. Me: I refuse to accept that…. He is not as tall as you he's my height. See nimbus mm and the Log rabbi are taller than me and TKB17 who used to short as hell but decided he wanted to grow…but I'm still taller!)(TKB17:...no your not...) (Me: no one asked for your opinion.)
105. Because of white people. (Nimbus mm: Only ignant white people *CoughAaroncough)
106. Because of Zebras. Nimbus mm: (My twin is black, I am white, but we are twins and therefore zebras)
107. Shell is 4 foot 11 and feared by ALL. (Nimbus mm: That is one tiny but terrifying woman. Me: I agree)
108. Because a band tried to impress us with flip folders, staring us down as we eat and with a guard of 5 who wasn't anywhere near together. (Nimbus mm: And drummers who were offbeat. TKB17 stared down their drumline section leader and the rest of us were laughing as they tried and failed to impress us.)
109. Because of Fried Oreos (TKB17: Hey! There is nothing wrong with the Oreos!)(Yes, yes there is) (The Log Rabbi: They were good... And the only people that could eat more than five in a lifetime without getting insanely high cholesterol are band kids.)
110. Katy says: "TKB17 and Shell would be a cute couple." (The problem being shell is our 40 or so guard instructor and TKB17 is a teenager…) (Nimbus mm: TKB17 has hated and tried to torture Katy ever since)(TKB17:...she will die by my hand, I swear it! Muwahahahaha!)
111. This one time at Band Camp…. (Nimbus mm: This introduction never ends well…)
112. Me having to shove "happy pills" down Nimbus mm's throat. (Nimbus mm: I have to take "happy pills" as dubbed by TKB17, for PMS or I end up being grouchy and emotionally messed up. The Log Rabbi and TKB17 cower away from me without happy pills during that time of month)
113. Bestiality is WRONG! (Nimbus mm: Yes it is, it is NOT fun to watch! TKB17 accidentally replied to the wrong conversation. He was talking about young children learning to walk but replied to a conversation about bestiality me: then plead the fifth…)(TKB17: Dammit! Let it go!) (Me: never.)
114. Becasue we pay a lot of money and have NO money. (We pay $450 each year in band fees and yet our band of 80 is dirt poor)
115. Because Nimbus mm sets off the fire alarm then pales gravely. (Nimbus mm: It was an accident! I did turn literally the color of a sheet of paper. I thought I would get suspended or something. We now laugh about this incident)
116. Because Nimbus mm wears flip flops in the winter. (Nimbus mm: I am from California. It had been 70 degrees the previous week and I refuse to accept that winter was back)
117. Because me and The Log Rabbi have to keep Nimbus mm and TKB17 from killing each other. Why? Because they love to argue and piss the other off. (Nimbus mm and TKB17: its fun… me: yea they actually enjoy it.) (Nimbus mm: It's fun…)
118. Technology hates The Log Rabbi. (Nimbus mm: It really does…) (The Log Rabbi: It's sadly true...)
119. Sixten. (Nimbus mm: He gets yelled at the most by the band instructor for
everything)
120. GodDamn it Sixten! Nimbus mm: (Everyone else when the band instructor makes us stand at attention for Sixten's mistakes)
121. We iz ignant. (Nimbus mm: You're really a dumbass if you haven't figured this out by now…)
122. Because 2 is a letter and A is number (learned that from my music teacher…)
123. The line outside our concession stand the day our season ends. Nimbus mm: (It takes almost the entire dinner break just to get to the front of the line)
124. Why? Because we don't care as long as adults call it food. Nimbus mm: (We're ravenous teenagers, what do you expect?)
125. Sarah…( Nimbus mm: No comment. My comments could incriminate me later in life)
126. Tubleweave (A piece of weave was rolling around on the ground during warm-ups before a competition. One m Nimbus mm: ember of guard yelled "Tumbleweave!")
127. Shell: what do I need? Entire guard: HEAD!
128. Because Nimbus mm lost her soul. (Nimbus mm: My soul is gone! I lost my soul (My waterproof watch that NEVER comes off (I have a permanent tan line on my wrist)) at a football game…I have a new soul now, its shiney. Me: I offered to help her look for her damn soul when she first lost it)
129. We bring Mac and Cheese to band camp. Nimbus mm: (This was Chaz) (The Log Rabbi: It was a small thingy of EZ Mac.)
130. We throw Mac and Cheese on Aaron when he's in the shower. Nimbus mm: (Among other things. We (The author and myself) hear these stories from the drumline cabin) (The Log Rabbi: It was the packet of cheese [called cheese jiz by Chaz], the noodles, some peppermint patties, a bag of ice water, and some shaving cream.)
131. We videotape it and show it to people. (Nimbus mm: That would be Nathan who videotaped it, and the author and myself, among others, who saw it later)
132. The drumline cabin fell asleep to the sound of Gunfire (video games…) Nimbus mm: (Ah the stories we hear from the drumline cabin)
133. TKB17 has rainbow drumsticks. (Nimbus mm: The Log Rabbi made them, and it caused his parents to question whether he was straight. Just being in drumline makes you part bi, so we don't question TKB17)(TKB17...)
134. TKB17 and The Log Rabbi can't shoot in a straight line. (Nimbus mm: It's sad…)
135. TKB17 is afraid of the Demon Chicken of Doom. (TKB17: GODDAMN IT! GET IT THE FUCK OFF OF ME! MY EYES!) (Nimbus mm: Hahahahahaha, remember the time I made my signature be "~CHICKEN~" He had a miserable day…) (The Log Rabbi: I control it. I made it so that it only goes after TKB unless I tell it to go after someone else.)
136. The Log Rabbi is afraid of Acid Breath. (The Log Rabbi: WHY MUST IT BURN SO? FUCK YOU! Explanation: if Nimbus has acid breath, what happens of we are in a relationship?) (Nimbus mm: I am going to murder you with my $20 Wal-Mart bat for that) (The Log Rabbi: It never actually happened... Yet...)
137. People's reaction to us worshipping the Holy Log. (Me, TKB17, the Log Rabbi: Amen!) (Nimbus mm: You're all idiots)
138. The Log Rabbi's assortment of musical instrument. (Nimbus mm: He has and can play about 20 instruments, actually probably more. Me: boy's talented..) (The Log Rabbi: Yes, yes I am. I have two keyboards, two acoustic guitars, one electric, [Samick: 24 frets, two pickups] a set of bongos, and an electronic drumset [4 pads, one of which has a rim sensor, three cymbal pads, a kick, and a hihat petal. there are over 100 different sounds to assign to the pads.] and I can play all of them fairly well. And that's just one room.)
139. The Log Rabbi's baking abilities. (Bakes brownies, makes fudge and
damned good waffles.) (Nimbus mm: It really doesn't take that much to bake. He is still good at it though)
140. Cuz TKB17 and The log Rabbi argue over MW2. (The Log Rabbi: Asshole noobtubed me... I still killed him quite a bit...)(TKB17:...the sad thing is that most of it was luck on your part :( )
141. We sit in a circle for 3 hours on a break talking about any and everything sexually in front of band parents…( Nimbus mm: Many of the things mentioned above happened in these circles)
142. We always stand in the same formation.( Nimbus mm: Always, the same circle made of the four of us. Sometimes there are more people but it's usually the four of us)
143. Nathan refuses to pay his debt…( Nimbus mm: The waffle…and twin, he's never going to… me: HE WILL TOO!)
144. My twin's a kleptomaniac.( Nimbus mm: I am NOT! me: yea you are.)
145. I'm a pyromaniac (Nimbus mm: I still need to confiscate her lighter(s), matches and other fire-ish things me: NOT MY PRECIOUS!)
146. TKB17 is a pyromaniac. Nimbus mm: (Not as bad as my twin)
147. TKB17 doesn't get caught doing illegal things (Nimbus mm: This I really don't get)
148. I do get caught doing illegal things….( Nimbus mm: She's been to juvie twice. Most people are afraid of her when they learn why, but not the three of us. It's probably because we know we are just as capable of doing the same, we just have more self-control, or at least I do and probably The Log Rabbi. TKB17 probably doesn't, he just wouldn't get caught me: don't be telling my business! And it's true they don't care most people back away and stay away and try not to piss me. These three haven't acted different from before they knew and now that they do know so Thanks guys.)
149. The Log Rabbi doesn't use the smurfs in his Jewfro to clean
150. We actually have a list of 150 reasons. (Nimbus mm: It's sad but we could add more)
So there you have it. 150 reasons.