To Wish Impossible Things
A/N: This was actually kind of a bit of a prompt. It's a bit of a Karmy twist on an episode of One Tree Hill written for lazarusgirl. Don't worry I'm not killing any more parents. But I also apparently can't write anything but angsty stories so there's that. I needed to clear my head with a new plot for a second, so here you go.
Summary: It's just a normal rainy Saturday afternoon – until it isn't. Karma gets a devastating call that sends her and Amy on an emotional road trip and lands them alone in a motel room.
'It was the sweetness of your skin, it was the hope of all we might have been. That fills me with the hope to wish impossible things'
- The Cure
It's just a normal rainy Saturday afternoon.
Her mom is on a trip to fucking Australia for some whacky new plant for the juice truck. And her dad left yesterday for another cross-country trip to try to expand the business. It's something he's been doing for the last few years to help fund Karma's upcoming college tuition – but it doesn't mean she doesn't miss him when he's gone.
Karma's close with her dad and Saturday afternoons used to mean making lunch together (even if the food was weird as shit). Saturday afternoons used to mean doing crosswords in the paper together and helping him with yardwork after Zen moved out.
Now, Saturday afternoons are filled with FaceTime calls at four when he makes it to a gas station. Sometimes, she feels guilty that her dad had to uproot his entire life to afford her future. It'd be easier if she could be like Zen and just go join the fucking Peace Corps. But Karma wants to go to college next year with Amy and Shane (not Liam though – that ended up not being a very cordial breakup a few months back).
Amy walks through the side door and goes straight for the refrigerator like she ever finds anything edible in there; Karma kind of wonders why she keeps trying. The food situation has been worse than usual with both of her parents being gone for extended periods of time. Karma's basically living off ramen and cereal she picks up from the convenience store down the street on the way home from school. Her part time job at the ice cream place doesn't really afford much else.
"You're out of food," Amy says as she sits at the kitchen table with a banana.
"You tell me every week," Karma lunges and takes half the banana. "Where did you even get this? I didn't buy bananas."
"I took it from my house so I wouldn't die of starvation here. You wanna hang out today?"
"What about Reagan?"
"I saw her last night – I left today open for us. We haven't hung out, like just us, in a while. I miss you."
Karma feels her lips curve into a smile, "I miss you too. I'm free. Do you wanna-"
The phone makes them both jump. Karma rolls her eyes and crosses the kitchen to answer it. Of course the Ashcrofts are the only weirdos that still have a landline in this day and age. It's honestly nothing but an annoyance because it's usually a telemarketer trying to sell a weird product that her parents almost always end up buying. (It's probably why the entire basement is full of weird gadgets – and most likely why they don't have the money to send Karma to college but whatever that's beside the point).
It's just a normal rainy Saturday afternoon – until it isn't.
The man on the other end of the phone is saying words but Karma is really only catching bits and pieces, things like:
'car accident'
'found a wallet'
'need to identify the body'
And she realizes in the middle of the call that it's currently ten minutes after five and her dad has never once been late for their Saturday afternoon phone call.
Amy opens her mouth to ask what happened but Karma just shakes her head and sits at the table again.
"There was an accident on a highway in Denton," Karma says, void of all emotion, "two men were killed. They found my dad's wallet on the road."
"It doesn't mean-"
"Amy, come on. They found his wallet. He hasn't called yet this morning. He's never late."
Amy steps closer to try to extend some comfort but Karma's already up and heading for the closet to find a jacket.
"Where are you going?"
"They need me to identify the body. They don't know for sure and my mom obviously can't do it."
"Karma, you can't go by yourself," Amy says, pointedly.
And she's probably not wrong.
But Karma's trying really hard to convince herself that it might not be her dad in that morgue - even if all the signs are saying otherwise. If she breaks down now she's totally never going to stop crying.
So she gives Amy a look and says "What about Reagan?"
"I'll text her and let her know what's going on. It's fine," Amy steps into her space and puts her hand out. "One condition: I'm driving."
Karma wants to argue that she's fine. But Amy just stares at her like she knows the truth. And Karma's never really been able to lie. So, she lets go of the keys and her control of the situation.
The car is oddly quiet. It's probably the longest they've gone without some form of conversation in a long time. They usually spend such small amounts of time together since Amy started dating Reagan again that they never really run out of topics to catch each other up on.
It's a three and a half hour ride to Denton and the weather conditions are horrendous. It makes Karma nervous to be driving in the storm that may have inadvertently caused her father's death.
"Thank you for taking me," Karma says, quietly.
Amy glances away from the road for a second, "There was no way I wasn't gonna be here with you. You're my best friend."
"I know," Karma hears her voice crack at the end and winces because she knows Amy heard it too.
"It's not gonna be him. Okay? They don't know for sure."
Karma nods but she's reluctant to believe in Amy's optimism. And its not even pessimism that has her thinking it's her dad on that table – she's just being realistic.
They found the wallet. Her dad never called at eleven. The weather.
The sky is still dumping buckets in Denton and it doesn't appear to be slowing anytime soon. The sign on the door to the coroner's office says they're closed for inclement weather but that they'll be open again at seven.
Karma looks at Amy with her eyes full of the agony of uncertainty. It's the not knowing that's killing her.
"We'll be here at six thirty tomorrow morning," Amy says.
"It's already nine, Amy. By the time we get home it'll basically be time to come back-"
"There was a motel down the road that we passed," Amy grabs her arm and drags her back to the car. Karma was definitely content to set up camp outside of the door. "Let's go. We're getting soaked."
The motel is a seedy little place off the side of the highway. If this were any other situation they'd never be caught dead in a place like this.
Karma raises an eyebrow but Amy just shrugs and rents the room for the night.
It's the kind of nasty place that corporate business men rent rooms from to cheat on their wives. She cringes when they walk through the door to the room. Amy sits hesitantly on the couch in the corner while Karma takes the edge of the bed.
There's no way she's sleeping in those sheets.
"This is-" Karma starts to say, then looks at the floor trying to gather her thoughts. "I just wish my mom was here to handle this."
"I wish I could do more to help," she hears Amy say.
There's not really anything Amy could possibly say though, really. What could anyone say when she's sitting in a motel waiting to identify her dad's body? It's not really a situation she ever thought she'd find herself in. Her parents always seemed pretty invincible.
"Did you call Reagan?"
Amy sighs.
"Yeah, she's fine with it. Stop worrying so much about her, Karma. You're – this is more important right now," Amy says with a hint of frustration. Karma bites her lip and chooses not to respond.
Reagan and Amy got back together a few months ago – literally a week after she broke things off with Liam when she realized her feelings for Amy might be just a little bit less than platonic. Sure, it seemed like the universe's way of saying 'fuck you.' But it's been a few months and Amy honestly seems happy so Karma is trying to be a good friend and be happy for Amy.
It's not easy when it feels like she just missed her chance. But fucking up Amy's life again is really not something she's interested in. So, Amy is still with Reagan and Karma is left to play third wheel to the happy couple. It's whatever.
"We should try to sleep."
"I'm really probably not gonna be able to… you should take the bed," Karma says as she stands and heads for the couch.
Amy looks all sorts of confused and answers with, "We always share a bed. Why are you being weird?"
"You're with Reagan."
"And?"
"And I don't want to make things weird for you guys if she finds out. She knows our history," Karma offers as an explanation because it's true.
Things are definitely better between the three of them but it's not like they go see movies together on the weekend. Reagan and Karma just seem to have an unspoken agreement to maintain civility.
Yeah, Karma definitely still wants to strangle Reagan sometimes but she reminds herself that jail is really no place that Karma Ashcroft belongs. She's seen 'Orange is the New Black' – there's no way in fuck she'd survive in a women's prison.
She should've made her move before she turned eighteen.
The missed opportunities just keep adding up.
Amy sits on the bed. "Don't be stupid, Karma."
And that's how Karma finds herself next to Amy on top of the comforter. It's nearing two in the morning and they're both totally still awake but it's been quiet for a while.
She hears Amy turn over and Karma can feel her staring at the bracelet that she's been twisting around her wrist for the last fifteen minutes. She continues to stare at her wrist instead of looking over.
"That's one of the ones he made you, right?" Amy asks, her hands reaching to touch the bracelet. Karma shivers at the contact.
"Yeah, one of the Saturdays he was home a few months ago he wanted to do crafts," Karma laughs at the thought. She remembers blowing him off at first but caving when he begged for a half hour. "It was actually really fun since I don't get to see him as much anymore."
"I know you miss him-"
"It's – I feel bad. He's away all the time for me. Why couldn't I be more like Zen and not care about college or whatever? I mean no wonder they don't like-"
"Don't even finish that thought, Karma," Amy says, sharply. Karma finally catches Amy's eyes in the dreary lighting from the parking lot that's leaking through the sheer curtains. "It's not true. I see him with you – he adores you. He's never begged Zen to make bracelets with him."
Karma smiles a little at that one.
"He engraved the disc on this one," she points at the metal piece hanging from the leather around her wrist. She never shared it with Amy. Her time with her dad was always their thing but now, when she's staring at the possibility of losing him, it seems important that she shares him. So she reads the inscription out loud, "As long as Karma exists, the world changes."
Amy chuckles, "That's actually – I like that." Karma's smile lingers. "It's true too," Amy adds quietly.
The room looks just as nasty in the early morning sun as it did in the dark shadows when they arrived. Karma scurries out from under the blankets – how did that even happen?
"I have the breakfast of champions," Amy announces as she comes through the door with a handful of junk food.
So, it's basically just a normal breakfast by Amy Raudenfeld standards. Amy's love of junk will never cease to be amusing.
"I'm not really hungry-"
"You should eat. I have red bulls too," Amy says as she pulls two cans from her jacket pockets. "I couldn't find a coffee machine."
"I doubt it'd even be any good," Karma says with a grimace. She reaches for the pop-tarts lying in front of her. "Happy?"
Amy nods and stuffs her face. She's so ridiculous sometimes. Karma totally loves it.
It takes a few minutes before Amy says anything and then it's, "We should probably go."
"Can't we just stay here?"
"You know I would if we could – let's just… c'mon."
Waiting for the coroner to come into the room is the longest ten minutes of her entire life. It's like watching paint dry; her heart races. Amy's hand is supportively on her back the entire time – whether that's making it better or worse is up for debate, really.
It's all a blur until he lifts the sheet and she stares at a body – a body that is certainly not her father.
"That's – not him."
Thank god. She falls into Amy's arms. It's a relief like no other.
The storm has passed and the sun is so bright it hurts Karma's eyes.
"I don't know what I would've done," she says as she turns around and looks at Amy who's following. "It was still weird seeing a body like that."
"I'm proud of you. You really like kept it together in there, Karms."
"I actually felt like I was gonna die the entire time," Karma admits as she reaches for the car door. She looks down when she doesn't feel the familiar dangle of the metal disc.
"Amy-" but Amy is on the phone and holds out a finger to tell her to hold on for a second. Karma goes over to wait.
"It was Zen – your dad's fine. Some guy stole his wallet and cell phone at a truck stop a few days ago. I guess it was that dude in there," Amy says with a smile.
Karma can't help but throw herself at Amy for a hug. "He's okay?"
"He's okay," Amy replies as she squeezes and laughs in her ear. Karma pulls back as she remembers what's missing. "Hey, what's wrong?"
"My bracelet – it has to be at the motel," Karma can tell she sounds worried. She can see it reflected on Amy's face. "That's the last place I had it and-"
"Let's go. We'll stop there before we head home."
Karma rips the bed apart looking for it. She's panicked. Amy follows and closes the door just as she finds the leather band wrapped up in those gross sheets. She's fucking mad at herself for sleeping in them – she would've never lost the bracelet if she'd just stayed on top of the comforter like she'd planned.
"You got it?" Amy asks. Karma nods and looks up with tears in her eyes. And then Amy is suddenly right there. "It wasn't him, Karma. And I'm right here. It's okay."
Karma keeps nodding but looks away from as all the emotion that she's been holding back makes itself known. She feels the tears fall before she has a chance to stop it. Amy takes another step forward and wraps her arms around Karma like she's done a million times before.
"Hey, it's okay now," Amy says, softly.
Karma swallows hard as she looks up and meets her eyes. She inhales sharply when she feels Amy's hands rest on the small of her back.
The next look they share is loaded with all of the things between them that have remained unsaid over the last three years. It's been years since they've been this affectionate – Karma has been trying to respect Amy's feelings since sophomore year. But the expression on Amy's face is almost willing her forward.
She forgets about all of it the moment she rests her hand on Amy's cheek and kisses her. Amy never hesitates to kiss her back.
Her breath catches when she feels Amy pull back. Then she feels hands framing her face puling her back in, more desperate than before. Karma sighs into the next kiss. She can't help but try to have Amy closer. She just needs her closer. Her body feels overrun with emotions and hormones that have been held prisoner for years now.
Her coat falls slowly from her shoulders at Amy's hands. She shudders when they make eye contact again and then it's like she just can't help herself. She shifts her hand to the nape of Amy's neck and tugs her down by it, into a kiss that leaves no room for interpretation.
Karma wants this.
And Amy must want it too because she's pushing forward until Karma feels the backs of her knees touch the edge of the bed. It's clear she's meant to sit and then her shirt is up over her head. Amy moves in slowly to capture her lips again – and again.
She settles her weight on top of Karma as she pushes her back into the bed and the friction is just – God. Karma could stay like this forever. She's not given that opportunity because Amy is working her way down, leaving kisses on every bit of exposed skin. She's basically turned on to the point of uncomfortable now. And then she feels a few purposeful kisses along her stomach and along the waistband of her jeans.
She feels every cell in her body react at the way Amy straddles her and then watches as Amy slowly – torturously slowly – peels her own shirt off. Amy lowers herself back down and reaches for Karma's hands. She tangles their fingers together and moves their conjoined hands over her head.
Who even is this Amy? It's going to make Karma shatter into a million pieces. They're connecting in a way they never have before (in a way Karma never really let them connect before).
Karma feels surrounded by all things Amy and she's letting her guide them into this because she can't trust herself to take control. Not when it feels like this. They keep trading kisses and Karma teases a few times pulling away so Amy has to keep pushing forward to reach her lips. It makes Amy smile and that makes Karma's heart flip all over in her chest.
And then Amy is everywhere. She presses kisses along along her jaw and then spends a long moment at her pulse point on her neck, which almost has Karma jumping out of her skin at the sensation.
When she goes to come back up Karma grabs her. "Wait… hang on you're stuck."
"Sorry," Amy murmurs while Karma undoes the clasp of the necklace that's caught in her hair.
"It's okay just –" and then Amy is free and she sits up, a guilty look crossing her face.
"Reagan gave me that necklace… when we got back together a few months ago," Karma's eyes widen in realization and then she just can't even look at Amy anymore. "Karma… let's – we should probably go. It's a long ride back."
"Yeah," Karma finally sort of whispers back.
"Okay." And then Amy is gone, recovering clothes. The loss of her is suddenly very present.
Karma can't help the tear that escapes as she remains in her place with that stupid necklace. She missed her chance at Amy and now there's Reagan. The thing is - there's no question that Amy still wants her. They're so fucked.
The car ride home is fucking awkward. It's been hours and they haven't really spoken. Instead the radio fills the silences between them.
Amy keeps her eyes on the road when she finally says, "Karma-"
"Please don't, Amy," Karma says as she looks to her left. "We shouldn't have, okay? I was a mess and I kissed you and things got carried away. You know how I get when I'm emotional. It just – there's Reagan now. It wasn't – it didn't mean anything."
Amy pauses. "It didn't mean anything?"
Karma looks at her silently for a long moment and then finally answers. "Of course it meant something."
Amy glances over and lets go of a very deep breath. Karma just looks away.
How did this happen?
When they finally get back to Austin Reagan is waiting in her car outside of Karma's house. Karma kind of wants to tell her to go the fuck home because why the fuck is she here? Instead she clamps her mouth shut so tightly her lips whiten.
Reagan is in Amy's arms the second she exits the car and Karma's heart hurts.
"Karma, I heard about your dad, I'm really glad he's okay and all."
"Yeah, thanks. My brother just told me he's picking him up and they'll be home in a few hours."
Amy hugs Reagan but her eyes are trained on Karma the entire time. The guilt hangs heavy over them both.
Karma wishes she had figured things out earlier. Maybe they wouldn't be here. Maybe she'd be the one in Amy's arms right now. But she watches Reagan whisper something in Amy's ear that makes her smile and she burns with jealousy.
"I'm gonna get going, Karma. You okay?"
"Yeah… absolutely. Thank you – for going with me."
Amy nods after a moment and gets back in the driver's seat. Reagan waves goodbye as she gets in her own car.
Karma finally takes a second to breathe as she sits on her front steps alone.
Now what?