I haven't written any story (that I finished, actually) for such a long time, now, so I hope you'll like this one. It's very angsty and pretty sad, just so you know. I want to thank my beta, "J" that is redbeargirl, for her support, her advice and her patience. Please, review. I love reviews. :)

Useless hope

Have you ever had your heart so broken that it became nothing but a pile of dust? I have. Have you ever met someone who you'd think that no matter what, no matter how you see them (as a sibling, as a friend, as a lover) you'll never lose them, because they're so much a part of your life, a part of yourself, that losing them would mean losing that part of yourself? I have, and I lost them. I lost part of myself.

The first time we met, I hadn't thought much about Hermione Granger. We were both so young, and so much was going on at the time; the tournament, Cedric's death, Voldemort's return, the war…and at the time I only had eyes for Bill. Unfortunately, he began to take me so much for granted at some point, that his behaviour towards me became completely disrespectful. I tried to make it work for more than a year, but there was a limit on how much I could do without losing myself in the process.

Also, along the way, I met her again. I say "met", because before that I can't say we had truly known each other. Very quickly, I fell for her. Deeply. She's one of the most amazing girls I've ever met. I'll ever meet. Unfortunately both of us were taken at the time as I was still with Bill, and she was in a relationship with Ginny Weasley. Her relationship with Ginny had been chaotic for a long time now, and Hermione herself was doubting her feelings for the redhead.

We started to go out and it was chaotic as well. The guilt was eating her alive and she broke up with me twice. And she came back to me twice. Each time she broke up, she kept talking to me a lot, which actually made it easier for me to deal with the pain. Not that it was not painful to see her and not being with her, but at least, I knew she cared and that made it bearable. I knew I would be able to heal, if only faster. Each time she came back to me, it seemed that she just couldn't help it, that she needed me, and by then we did need each other. For support, for understanding, for helping each other with problems that life was throwing at us.

I also learned to know Ginny better. Ginny being the jealous type, she was on Hermione's back more often than not. But we still wanted to see each other as often as possible, so Hermione finally decided to introduce me to her girlfriend. Despite the fact that she was my husband's sister, I had never known her well either. It was hard to see them together, but at the same time, it allowed me to see Hermione a lot, so I went with it. What I didn't really expect was that I actually really liked Ginny. She was funny and sweet, outgoing and cheeky. It was a lot of fun to hang out with her.

For a few weeks then, things were going as perfect as they could be considering our situation. I still needed to take care of a few things before leaving Bill, but I knew by then that it was inevitable. I had loved him dearly, really, but it was nothing compared to what I was feeling for Hermione. I had so many insecurities, though, because I knew for whom my heart beat, but Hermione still had to decide whom she loved best.

Then Ginny, feeling that she may lose her girlfriend, started making a concerted effort to keep her. Hermione decided then to give her another chance and broke up with me yet again. I didn't like her choice of course, but I could not find fault with her logic; how could she truly know her feelings for Ginny while she was cheating on her with me? Her decision shattered my heart, but I clung to her promise to see me as often as she could and to be there for me if I needed her.

Unfortunately, her needs were different from mine. And while she wanted some time alone to think, to know where she was and what she was feeling, I only wanted to see her more, to lessen my pain. She definitely felt overwhelmed by my pushing to see her and she started to criticize and judge me way too easily. So, with my hurt heart, I started to be reproachful and bitter, which was only pushing her away from me. I think my bitterness was driving her crazy, so, at some point, I started to promise myself that I would only ask her presence when I really needed her, hurting in silence, for her own sake and because I didn't want to lose her. Not that I actually thought I would ever lose her completely, but I still wanted us to be close friends. And then, when I asked her to be there, when I asked to see her because life was throwing a curve at me, she wasn't. That's when she made it clear that she had never been in love with me, but only though she had. And my heart broke another time. I started to be reproachful again, which certainly didn't help, but how many blows one can take in silence for too long? Sigh.

I still wanted to be friends with her, though. She was so much a part of my life that I couldn't imagine living without her as a friend. I still needed her, her friendship, when things were wrong in my life. That's when the worse happened. I learned something about Ginny. Something I thought was true, but something that would definitely hurt sweet Hermione. I debated whether to tell her, but I thought I had to. In my point of view, I would not be a good friend if I didn't tell her.

At first, I had been very angry with Ginny, but as time passed, I tried to look at it more with a clear mind. I knew Ginny. She was a good woman, only very selfish when it came to Hermione. I wanted Hermione to stand up for herself and be able to ask what she needed to be truly happy with her girlfriend; to stop the chaos in their relationship. Knowing the truth, in my opinion, would help her do that, and there was nothing more that I wanted than her to be happy, even if she had to go through some hardship at the beginning.

So, I told her and she didn't take it well. She was so angry with me that she stopped talking to me right away. As far as I can tell, she didn't believe me. Well, she's very much in love with Ginny, and me saying something wrong about her, I should have known that it was not going to be taken well. But I only had time to tell her what I knew about her girlfriend and that was it. Hermione never let me explain myself, never heard my opinion on the matter. Apparently her anger was so grand that I didn't even deserve that much.

I know my words hurt her and that it's the reason of her reaction, but I also thought she knew me enough to let me explain myself because I've always showed her that I care. For her, and for Ginny. I thought about it and came up with a couple of reasons why she hates me so much now. Because she does. Her behaviour shows that much.

First, she probably thought that I was trying to have her back. Doesn't she remember, though, how much I had respected her choice, each time she broke up with me? That I never ever asked her back? And anyway, didn't she make it clear that she had never really loved me? So how could I even consider having her back?

Then, maybe she thought I was trying to get revenge or something. But then again, doesn't she remember how much I respected Ginny when she had broken up with me? Didn't I show her that I was not the type to be vengeful? It seems that she preferred considering me mean or even evil than just thinking I was wrong and mistaken. So, she decided to throw me out of her life completely. I don't think she ever hated anyone before me. That she really wanted to hurt anyone before me. But she hates me so much now, that it seems she couldn't care less how much hurt I am.

Is her memory so short that she doesn't remember what kind of person I am? I did become bitter and reproachful, it's true, but it was because she had changed, distancing herself just after hurting me so much. Before that, she had always seemed eager to see me! So, now, here I am, with my life punching me in the face at every corner and among all those bad things happening to me, she still is the one who hurt me the most. And she doesn't care. I naively never thought I would lose her friendship, because she knew who I was and that I never mean to hurt her. I still have a good opinion about Ginny and I hurt to know that Hermione had been so hurt herself. I know her hatred for me only comes from her own pain. I still wish I could know how she is, though. I still wish for her and Ginny to be happy. I still wish we could be friends. But she hates me so much now, I know it's not possible. At least, her own revenge was beyond any expectation she might ever have for me.

Now, I have to get better. I have to. It broke my heart to see my little four years-old girl trying to make me feel better because I'm so miserable. Victoire doesn't deserve that. Time heals all wounds, people say. That's my hope. That time will help me heal that gaping hole in my heart, in my soul. But even then, I know I'll never heal completely. Not without her in my life. My only hope, right now, seems to be so useless...