No One Would Believe Us Anyways (originally posted on my other account Miharu is Haruka's Love Child)

Summary: They sat beneath the tree, silent, as God dusted the blackened sky with glittering stars—-hope symbols, as Mello had called them. But hope was for children and fools, and Matt was neither of those. He didn't believe in miracles. M/M

Chapter 1: The letter

Author's rant: EFFING FINALS EFFING SUCK DICK. *cough* so, teenage angst anyone?

General note to everyone: The religious views expressed in this piece (whether in this or future chapters) are not a reflection of the author's personal spiritual beliefs and she should not be held accountable for them if they are found to be offensive. Please, do not be offended. This is fan fiction, no need to get so worked up. Thank you.

Mello quietly slipped the envelope in front of the door. It said one word: Matt. He knew the redhead would find it later. He was relieved that he didn't have to hand it to him face to face...it would have made leaving that much more difficult. Having no more business in the house, he picked up his sack and left. The iron gates of Wammy's house swung behind him as he walked off into the night.

Matt didn't notice the envelope until he slipped on it. He'd been paying too much attention to the Gameboy in his hands to look at junk people left on the floor. He nearly tossed it out except that it had his name on it. He opened the letter to read...

Dear Matt, (wow that sounds corny)

This is a love letter. STFU! That doesn't make me the girl here. Stop laughing, idiot. I'm not bitching at you, Jesus! Stop leaning over my shoulder; you're ruining my moment. XD

It's funny how things work out. You and me. Us. In love. I don't think anyone would believe us if we told them our story. Do you remember how we met? No, I am not calling you stupid, it's a reminiscing device you fucktwit. That's right, laugh at my rhetoric. Let's see you laughing later when you're the one cuffed to the bedpost. Tch. Thought so.

Really though, do you remember the day we met? I still remember the message that appeared on my desktop: joo haz b33n h4xord by M477.

God, I wanted to strangle the fuggin' pissbrain who dared break into my computer. Only problem was I couldn't figure out who you were. We ended up playing mind games for weeks through IM's and shit until you finally let slip that you were in the attic the entire time. I had no fucking clue that Roger let anyone sleep up there and since you never came out or even went to classes, no one else knew about you either. How many people did you play with like that before anyone challenged you back like I did? I loved having to break the little virus codes you kept putting in my system…god that was so long ago.

Do you remember the first time we met in person? You wore a paper bag over your head so I couldn't see your face. I ripped it in two while you were still wearing it. And then we just kind of stared at each other. You said my name very tentatively and I repeated yours and there was just a moment of us losing ourselves in that brush of lips because you couldn't help kissing me. I know it was darkish in the attic, and I know you apologized a million times, but I still feel guilty for giving you that black eye: everyone mistakes me for a girl at first and I shouldn't have reacted like that. I think I was just scared…scared of the fact that I could have been developing feelings for you.

Then we became friends and I forced your ass to leave that stuffy room and enjoy breathing clean air for a few hours each day. We became close and we'd joke around. So much sexual innuendos…and then we'd go a little too far for it to be jokes. But we wouldn't say anything. We just kept playing off of it like nothing was out of the ordinary…until I asked you if we were still joking and you said you weren't sure anymore…and we ended up avoiding each other out of the awkwardness.

Do you realize I got fucking depressed at the thought of spending time away from you? I don't care if we still talked on the computer; it didn't make up for having you there in front of me. And then you went and said the thing that scared me most…you told me you loved me.

I don't know how many times I've prayed to God since you've told me those three words. And every time I do, a little more of my faith seems to die. I don't want to talk to God. I don't want to read my Bible. I don't want to deal with the guilt of knowing that I can't touch you, can't look at you, can't want you, can't love you without his disapproval. I don't want to have to look you in the eyes and say that I can't go to Hell for you. So I'm ignoring him. I know he's there, but I don't want to deal with him now…and I guess that just makes what I'm about to do even easier…

Matt I'm leaving. I'm leaving everything and everybody…including you.

By the time you read this, I'll be gone. Since you're reading this, I guess L must be dead, because the only reason I'd give you this letter is if he died. Yeah, I'm kind of fucked up like that…making this thing in advance, preparing for a future that will probably happen and yet avoiding the direct confrontation. You know me. I won't hesitate to leave if it happens…I'm just sorry it had to come to this. I'm sorry you have to be reading this shit at all…and I'm sorry that I'm saying goodbye like this.

I'm sorry that I'll never feel those lips on mine again.

I'm sorry that you'll hate me and always remember me as the weak one who couldn't back down from a wrong decision.

I'm sorry. For everything. I'm a bastard, I know. I'm a fucked up coward. There I said it.

And I'm scared too.

Just…don't fucking do anything stupid, okay? Don't try to follow me.

I'm not telling you where I'm going.

I'm not.

Fucking damn it! Don't even try anything stupid, you asshole, it's hard enough leaving without having to worry how the hell you're gonna cope with me being gone.

I fucking love you, damn it. I do, truly, I love you more than life itself. That's why I can't take you with me. I can't have someone there to come home to at the end of the day. I can't have a heart anymore. I can't have a conscience anymore. I can't…I can't care about anyone else anymore. So just deal with it.

I'm going to make my own way. You should find yours too.

-Mello

A/N: thanks for reading. review if you have a chance, thank you! ^^