A/N:
This story was written in response to a challenge on BonanzaWorld (dot) net for the subject "A Gift for Pa". This is really my first "non-comedy" published fanfic.
Enjoy!
"Pa?"
Ben clutched his head in his hands, bowed over double on the edge of the bed. Those eyes… How was it possible he would never see them light up that way again?
"Pa?"
Not so long ago she was laughing at him for worrying about her and that colt. They way her eyes sparkled mischievously, the way her grin flashed at him, the way she tipped her head at him teasingly. "Ben," she laughed, "You're such a worrywart!" No, no he wasn't.
"Pa?"
A hand was on his shoulder, lean and strong, in spite of its youth. Ben released his head and looked up slowly.
"Pa, you should try to rest." Adam's face was full of compassion, but somehow Ben missed the red rims around his eyes, the weary way in which he leaned on the bedpost and the paleness of his complexion.
Ben didn't answer. His eyes fell on Little Joe, asleep on Adam's hip. The curly head was drooping on his brother's shoulder, dark lashes fluttering uneasily against his dirty cheek. Dirty and with tear tracks sketched down them. Another pang shot through Ben's heart and he bowed his head again.
"Pa. Please." Adam's voice was tired.
"I will, son," murmured Ben, not exactly truthfully. After a moment's hesitation in which he felt Adam's eyes boring into him, he added, "I'll try, anyway."
He heard Adam's soft and quiet sigh, then the creak of the bedframe as the teenager dragged himself off the bedpost. The floor squeaked as he made his way to the door and then there was a soft whimper, followed by Adam's deepening voice in a soothing tone, murmured words Ben could not hear. The whimpers faded as the footsteps moved farther away.
"Shhh, shhhhh, Joe." Those eyes, gazing down so lovingly. "Nothing can harm you. Nothing can ever harm you while I'm with you. I'll protect you from all your nightmares."
Curly head snuggling in the soft blue folds of the dress spread over lean thighs. Soothing hands running over the tiny back. Pink lips smiling with pure and radiant love.
"Oh, Marie!" It was a choked sound, barely more than a breath. Words cannot describe how much we need you still…
A scent floated towards him suddenly and the familiarity of it made another pang of hurt dash across his heart. One lonely tear trickled out from under the tightly shut lashes.
"They are beautiful! Oh, Ben! Oh!" She was clutching them in her hands, kissing their soft petals, laughing and dashing away the silly tears of pleasure that made her eyes shine all more. "Oh! How I've missed these!"
Ben opened his eyes with a shuddering sigh- and to his astonishment was greeted with the sight of a single red rose held under his down-turned face so that he could see. He stared at the flower as it quivered faintly, as though a breeze were caressing its petals. Chubby fingers were wrapped tightly around the stem, spread apart to avoid being pricked by the thorns. Slowly he raised his head and the sight of the new grey streak in his hair was replaced by the sight of his lifting face.
"Momma still loves 'ya, Pa," whispered the blue eyed boy, "She jist dun gone away fer a little while."
Ben stared at his son for a moment. A strangely cracked voice began speaking and he realized with a start it was his own, "Who told you that?"
"Adam told me, Pa. He said that I shouldn't be too v'ry sad 'bout Momma leavin' us 'cause she's jist waitin' fer us somewhere much nicer than it is 'round here. Adam said it's real nice up there, in Heaven. When I asked him why she ain't waitin' fer us here so's we won't be so sad without 'er and if'n it meant she don't love us no more, he told me that weren't true. He said she still loves us and she always will. And I know she will, Pa. Not jist 'cause Adam says so, and you know Adam ain't never wrong, but 'cause I kin feel her love, Pa." He held up the flower. "She dun left us her roses, Pa. She dun left us Little Joe. She dun left us e'rythin' that she loved, Pa. If'n that don't mean she loves us … I ain't got no idea what love is."
Ben's throat constricted. Hoss was gazing at him so earnestly, clutching the red rose so tightly, his blue eyes so warm and… And glittering with unshed tears.
He reached out a hand and carefully plucked the rose out of the child's grasp. Lifting it to his face, he closed his eyes and buried his nose in the fragrant petals, breathing deeply of its unique smell. The smell that she loved so dearly. He opened his eyes and turned them towards his middle son- just in time to see the boy roughly dash his hand across his face. He never afterwards remembered moving, but the next instant he had his son crushed in an embrace as the rose fell from his grasp and some of the petals fluttered freely to the floor.
"She loves us, Pa!" choked Hoss, trying unsuccessfully to rub his tears away with a slightly grubby fist, "I know she does!"
Ben closed his eyes as tears of shame coursed down his cheeks. All this pain and worry… And he hadn't even noticed. It should have been his job to comfort Hoss. Not Adam's
Hoss pushed away from his Pa very suddenly and gazed into his face. With one meaty finger he wiped a tear from Ben's cheek. "Don't cry, Pa," he whispered, "She dun left us her roses. Adam says they're her gift to us, fer us to keep… Always." He bent down and lifted the blossom from the ground where it had landed, then held it out to his father. "It's her gift to you, Pa."
Ben closed his eyes again for a moment, then reached out and gathered Hoss into his arms, "And to you, son. It's her gift to all of us. Like Adam said, she loves us very, very much."