Kagome couldn't believe it.
In retrospect, she should have suspected something the minute Sango had started babbling about going to bed early, or when Miroku had tried to convince her to stay and "take care of Shippou" (who was soundly asleep). But she had wanted a fresh drink of water, and she just had to run across this instead…
Kikyou. And. Inuyasha. Kissing.
The scene really didn't deserve capital letters, she realized with a sniffle—it happened all the time. Well, it had technically happened twice. Ok, so maybe it was really once, but her vivid nightmares surely added up to another transgression, right? And regardless, the count was being upped anyway, because there they were, larger than life, making out against the Sacred Tree.
I wonder if you can go to hell for that a rebellious part of her mind whispered, and the rest of her consciousness cringed. For all she knew, that was Kikyou's intention.
What do I do? Another portion of her mind shrieked. I'll be lost without him!!! The voice then fainted dramatically, angering another part of her psyche.
You're better off without him! Just go home and STAY THERE for once! Go out with Houjo or something.
But what about the search for the Shikon shards? A worrying voice interjected. You know it's your fault it was broken!
Bullshit! The sappy part flared up again, slightly losing its sweet, sugary edge in abject frustration. You know and I know that's just a delusion that helps keep her by the side of her Eternal True Love, Inuyasha! Why, our love crosses Time and Space and—
--And knock it off! You're giving us a headache! Fuck the Shikon no Tama AND the stupid dog! The argumentative part snapped.
Oh, what a romantic idea…!The violent side joined with the worrying side and began beating down the sappy voice.
Meanwhile, Kagome (who was seriously beginning to wonder if she was just hallucinating the whole experience) rubbed her eyes and tried to make Kikyou and Inuyasha disappear. Nope, still there—still one undead miko, leeched onto a certain dog boy like a vacuum cleaner. Leaning weakly against a nearby tree trunk, the schoolgirl wasn't sure if she should laugh or cry.
I should leave…her mind whispered again, this time in unison, but for some reason her legs refused to move.
Yes, something was definitely wrong here, and Kagome couldn't decide if it was a) her, for torturing herself by watching b) Inuyasha, for kissing the mud-woman, c) Kikyou, who didn't have the decency to die and stay dead or d) the whole goddamn world, which was going to hell in a hand basket. She was leaning toward d, although some other annoying voice in her brain was playing intellectual and telling her that the world was several thousand miles across and thus far too large to go anywhere in your average hand basket. Damned education.
And then…
"Hiiiiii everybody, didja miss me?!?" a terribly familiar, and terribly unwelcome voice came soaring into the clearing, and Kagome realized she wasn't going insane after all.
"Oh hell, not you again!" Inuyasha moaned, releasing his "lover" and dropping her to the ground.
"Hey!" screeched Kikyou indignantly.
"Shhh!" Inuyasha admonished. His golden eyes narrowed.
"Ta-daaaa!!!" The Author burst into view wearing an unusually extravagant ensemble: velvet pants and a clashing Hack Sign shirt.
"I should have known something odd was going on!" Kagome pouted. "Making Inuyasha and Kikyou kiss like that."
"We—what?!" Inuyasha panicked and hit the ground instinctively, not even bothering to wait for the "sit". I am so dead…
" Moi? But surely you don't suspect little ol' me of such a horrible thing…" the Author whimpered, speaking with a faux French accent and acting defenseless. Inuyasha knew what that meant—time to reach for Tessaiga, grab Kagome, and make a break for it. Unfortunately, the Author noticed his movement and rearranged his sentence to have him break Tessaiga, reach for Kagome and make a grab for it…landing him back on the ground with Kagome's shoe print embedded on the back of his skull.
"You're not planning on sticking us in some weird lemon again?" Kagome worried. Kikyou sniffed and turned her nose up at the very thought.
"Like I'd star in anything with you in it."
"But you did, that one time with the-mmph!" Inuyasha suddenly found himself Up Close and Personal with a curious soul-stealer. "Whmmph was that-mph forrr?" he growled through his makeshift gag.
"Author…?" Kagome ventured again, reaching discretely for an arrow or three.
To everyone's immense surprise and relief, the Author shook her head.
"Sorry, sweet thing, today's strictly business…although I could help you out with that lemon thing later, if you're still interested." The fanfic writer winked at Inuyasha, who immediately began waving NO. "But right now, I need to steal you for a minute."
"WHAT?!" screeched Inuyasha, horrified at the idea of Kagome left to the Author's devices. "Get your dirty hands off her!!!!"
"But I thought you promised to protect ME, Inuyasha!" Kikyou huffed.
"I, uh…" the hanyou stammered, nailed in her gaze.
"And THAT'S precisely what I need to talk to you about, honey!" The Author jerked a finger in Inuyasha's direction. "Let's go."
"What the---?"
Twin clouds of Author Energy spouted up underneath writer and schoolgirl alike, lifting them high above a murderous hanyou and over the tree-stand.
"Now, look…" said the Author as she snapped her fingers, lowering them down into a secluded meadow. "I don't like to muck around in other people's business…"
"Oh really? Couldn't tell." Kagome huffed sarcastically.
"…but I can't just sit back and let one of my favorite characters torture herself like this." The Author finished, completely ignoring the other girl's protests.
"Wha—torture?" gaped Kagome, rubbing her wrists as if expecting more Author-induced bondage scenes.
"You see, when a man loves a woman, he's got to tell her…pluck up his courage and let her know about it! He needs to make a decision and stick to it, or he's not worth his salt!"
"Right…" nodded Kagome slowly, not sure where the Author was going with this. She didn't think Inuyasha had any salt in him…pepper or curry spice, maybe, but salt? No. Although he had been known to smell a bit ginger-y at times; he still hadn't realized that her herbal cough drops were medicine. Although they did look a bit like candy, she supposed.
"So I think you shouldn't be taking this crap from Inuyasha!" The Author continued, oblivious to Kagome's internal monologue.
"Huh?" the schoolgirl blinked. "Inuyasha?"
"Yes, Inuyasha…" the Author sighed. "You've only been mooning over him for half the series! Isn't it time you woke up? He's stringing you along!"
"I-It's not like that!"
"Oh, it isn't, huh? What about him and Kikyou? Wouldn't it be easier for everybody if he'd just choose and be done with it?"
"But I don't want—"
"But you don't want what? To chase after him time after time, building up your expectations just to get them smashed? To find out that he'd choose her? C'mon, girl…the more you put it off the harder it'll be. So what if your worst fears come true an' he wants the mud-woman? Good riddance! At least you'd know, so you can place your affections elsewhere."
"I'd never thought of it like that before…" Kagome mused, looking thoughtful.
"Hah! FINALLY she sees the light!" The Author punched the sky triumphantly. "So that's why I've decided you need to find somebody worth your time…somebody like Sesshoumaru."
"WHAT?!" Kagome screeched.
"Yup, Sesshoumaru…he's strong, he's sexy, he's…"
"A block of ice, always fighting with us…"
"…unattached!" the Author completed, glaring at the other girl. "And you're going to love him!" Somehow, the statement came out as an order.
Before Kagome could react, the Author snapped her fingers and a glowing plot-hole flung Sesshoumaru head-first into the ground at Kagome's feet.
"Behold! Your NEW lover (and what a nice one too, I might add.) Don't worry, you'll get a relationship…not even I am uncouth enough to toss characters together without any back plot."
"What about that lemon fic…?" Kagome wondered.
"SILENCE! We do not speak of that." The Author huffed, leading some present to wonder whether or not there were multiple persons in the "Author's" head. "At any rate, you two are going to run off together and find true happiness without that sorry excuse for a hanyou…or ELSE!"
Sesshoumaru removed his face from the ground slowly and glowered malevolently at his thrice-damned torturess.
"Stupid bitch—"
"Aw, did I make the poor doggy mad? Maybe the cute widdle puppy would like to be in another Kouga/Sess bestial fic…"
"W-why you…!" Sesshoumaru sputtered and pulled himself into a defensive crouch.
"I thought so!" the Author continued smoothly, "accidentally" stepping on the full demon's tail. "So you'll do just what I tell you…because I'M the Author!" She ground her foot back and forth for emphasis.
He's got a tail again? Kagome thought over Sesshoumaru's high-pitched yelping. This can't be good…although it is kind of cute…eep! She's already getting to me! Not the OOC "sudden attraction" device!!
"That's right, Kago-chan…" the Author smiled benevolently. "Come pet your fuzzy little puppy…I promise he won't bite." Sesshoumaru focused all his energy into glaring at Kagome, trying to ward her away. His eyes promised that he wouldn't need to bite…he would just swallow her whole.
Got to…fight…it… Kagome panted, trying to stand still. Unfortunately, her limbs seemed to have a mind of their own, propelling her body forward. Sesshoumaru bristled, growling softly. Can't…let…her get… to me… One trembling arm reached out. Sesshoumaru's growl crescendoed into a near roar.
…and broke off in a yelp, as Kagome's soft hands wrapped around his mangled end of his "tail".
"Dammit, bitch! That hurts!" he snarled, flipping his wounded appendage away from her inquisitive fingers. Unfortunately, as many a lemon writer has found out, tails that grow out of armpits are somewhat unwieldy – they move in a decidedly lopsided fashion. Before Sesshoumaru could lean left to compensate, the bulky tail's movement sent him toppling off balance. He reached out, trying to grab on to something to right himself…
"Eek!" Kagome squealed, beating the holy hell out of an ill-placed hand. "Pervert!!!!"
"Stupid wench!" Sesshoumaru snarled, pushing Kagome away from him. Unfortunately, her death grip on his wrist brought him down with her. "What the—"
Girl and demon hit the ground hard and began yelling at each other.
Well, that didn't exactly work as planned the Author scowled. But at least we've got A beginning… Oblivious to the squabbling behind her, she reached for a pen and notepad and began to work.
Still struggling to get Sesshoumaru off of her, Kagome could only think of one thing. Where are you, Inuyasha?
"Kagomeeeee!!!!" Inuyasha screamed, zooming around the tree trunks. Who knew a tiny island like Japan could have so damn many trees in it? And how the hell had the Author gotten so far ahead of him?
"Inu, baby…" Kikyou purred from somewhere behind him. "Why don't you leave her where she is? I'm sure she'll be fine…"
"You don't know what that…that thing is like! Who knows what she could be doing to Kagome right now?" Inuyasha fumed, slashing through a mountain of underbrush. A few soul-stealers moved forward inquisitively, searching the rubble for dead animals. Kikyou smirked and bid them continue. After all, she'd need all the energy she could get.
"Well, put it this way…" the priestess grinned absently, unfastening her divided skirts.
"Huh?" the hanyou asked belatedly, turning to face her. A few soul-stealers swooped around him, waggling their pinchers mockingly.
"Whatever they're doing, it's not half as interesting as what's going to happen to you." Far, far too late, did Inuyasha notice the vacant look in Kikyou's eyes.
"Oh, SHIT!"
It was going to be a long night.
Stay tuned for the Author's first attempt: "By the Goshinboku (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Kikyou)!"
And remember: it's never too late to give me a belated Christmas present! R-E-V-I-E-W!