~Rolling Girl~
I can't break out of this cycle
This never-ending cycle
Rolling girl is always in a dream
I just don't see why
Those people, so many people,
Try so hard
that will never come true.
It's not like it matters
Or anything
Not like their lives
Will make a difference
There's so much noise inside her little head.
All the chatter I hear in school
From the teachers
From the students
From the people who call themselves
"my friends"
She scratches it all around, scratches it all around.
It washes over my head
Unheard
Unacknowledged
"No problem," the words come out so lightly;
Half of the time,
My head
Can't even process what they're
Saying
Half of the time,
My head
Can't even process
What
I'm
Saying
did she lose the words she had to say?
Stupid things
Little things
Small mistakes
Are exaggerated to an unbelievable amount
Of worry
It's a mistake, what a mistake
The teal strands of my hair
Were once black
Like everyone else's
But I wanted to stand out
To be different
To rebel
If it ends up to be another puzzle
When I roll down that
Steep
Steep hill
So much grass gets caught in those teal strands
It takes hours to brush out
And my scratched hands
Turn the handle of the brush bloodstained
It rolls again!
One boy,
Who calls himself "my friend"
Always looks worried
When I come to school with bandages
His expression
When he sees me those mornings
Mirrors the faces of my teachers
On those mornings
One more time, one more time
I guess I always act a certain way
On days that I go to the hill after school
Because that boy
Always will ask me
"Ro-ru notameni kyou iku kotoka?"
("Going for a roll today?")
And I respond,
"Watashi wa kyo mo korogari masu to,"
"I will be rolling again today,"
He always asks
Like he's worried
Like he cares
If I get cut
Or scraped
Or my teal hair is nearly torn from my head
By the force of the wind
As I roll
and the girl says, the girl says,
Sometimes, when I roll
I can hear all the things
I've said in the time that's passed
The words I haven't acknowledged
The words I've spoken
But never realized
as she orchestrated the meaning in her spoken words!
And sometimes
That boy
The one who calls himself
"my friend"
Will find me after I roll
And he'll take my hand
Gently
So gently
And ask me,
"Mou ikkai?"
"Are you done yet?"
And when he does,
I always have
And always will
Pull my hand away
And bow my head
Whispering,
"Not done yet,"
I can hardly stand it
When he's there after I roll
The way his eyebrows pull together
The way he looks at me
The way his skin gently brushes mine
It makes me so angry
When he looks at me
With pity in his brown eyes
Those brown eyes
So deep
And caring
Flecked with gold…
"the future is still so far away from me"
It's not like I like him or something
The only reason
My face gets red
When I'm around him
Or when I talk about him
Is because he knows my secret
My rolling secret
And that makes me angry
So angry
That I could choke myself
"so I'll stop my breathing,"
Who does he think he is, anyways?
He found out about my rolling
Because he followed me
The little stalker
Followed me to my rolling hill
And ran after me
When I started
Tumbling
Down
"for now"
When start falling
Tripping
Stumbling
Rolling
Down that steep, steep hill
The pain of the ground scraping my body
The pain of what people say about me
The pain of my thoughts
The pain of the way people look at me
The pain of the world
Becomes dulled, somehow
Rolling girl has come to her end
But then
When I reach the end
And the momentum stops pulling at my body
It all comes rushing back,
And I start to cry
Because I know I can't roll two days in a row
Because I know the pain
Of their hurtful words
Of my thoughts
Of their cruel eyes, piercing through my confidence
Of the world
Will always come back
In a never ending cycle
A cycle
I will never manage to break
Beyond the color she can't reach
The first day
The boy came running after me
The first day
Someone learned of my rolling
He saw me crying
And after a while
He began to cry, too
I felt the fury begin to build in my heart
The fury of hatred towards him
Hatred directed towards him because he pitied me
Pity
Is a thing for fools
Pity
Is a useless emotion
Because no one
Will ever
Understand
My
Pain
Those overlapping voices in the air
On those Rolling Days
When that boy finds me again
He talks to me
As I cry
He tells me stories
They're all pretty pointless
Always something to do with faraway lands and magic
Always something to do with things
That aren't even real
I told him once
"You should be a writer,
Because your stories
Are ever so thrilling,"
She mixes them together, she mixes them all together
I said it as a joke
But he looked at me
Blushed
And laughed nervously
Like a stricken lovebird
After I roll
That boy walks me home
And asks me what I liked about
That day's story
I can never sort out the characters
Because he has so many
That he makes up
Their names wash over my head
As salty tears sting at my cuts
As salty tears wash the dirt from my face
I can never sort out the stories
Because there's so many that he's told me after I roll
That he makes up
Their titles wash over my head
As my heart thumps hard with adrenalin
As my heart thumps hard with anticipation
"No problem," the words come out so lightly;
Sometimes, his stories have happy endings
But other times
They don't
There are so many stories he's told me
So many…
she's lost the words she has to say
Once, he offered me a bandage after I rolled
And he tried to tend to my cuts and scrapes
But I pushed him away and ran off
We didn't speak to each other for weeks
But then he came again
On a Rolling Day
He didn't offer me a bandage that time
I didn't push him away that time
I didn't run off
"What should I do to make it right?"
Sometimes, the reality of it all hits me hard
So hard,
That I stagger
And have to hold onto something to keep my balance
The reality
Of the mistakes
That the world has made
Of the mistakes
That I've made
"No matter how many times the mistakes are made,"
The mistakes
Repeat themselves
They cycle
Like a circle
Like a clock
A never-ending cycle
That I still try to break
"the slope is tempting me to roll on it again"
At the beginning
When I first started rolling
The Rolling Days were distant to each other
Far apart
But as I continue
As the hill becomes more and more comforting
The Rolling Days are becoming
Closer together
One more time, one more time
I tell myself
This will be the last time
As I stand on the top of my rolling hill today
This will be my last roll
But when the roll is over
After the ground has bruised my skin
After the ground has made scratches on my skin
After the ground has torn at my school uniform
After the ground has torn at my heart
I find that the pain is still rushing back
And I whisper in my head
"Mou ikkai…mou ikkai…"
"One more time, one more time,"
"Watashi…o douka korogashite to…"
"Please let me roll again one more time"
I don't know who I'm asking
To roll again
I don't know who I'm begging
To let me roll again
and the girl says, the girl says
I start to rock myself back and forth
Back
And forth
Whispering those words
With tears washing the dirt from my face
With tears stinging the cuts on my face
And then I hear the footfalls
Familiar footfalls
And I hear breathing
Labored breathing
The footfalls are behind me
Coming down the hill
Familiar…
as she lays the meaning over her unspoken words
That boy
He's found me again
On my Rolling Day
My face burns
Mirroring the angry flames in my heart
He comes to a halt
And kneels down beside me
"Mou ii kai?"
He asks me
Tenderly
"Are you done yet?"
He puts his hand on my shoulder
And I jerk away
Not accepting his pity
"Mou sukoshi,"
I mumble into my knees
"Just a bit more,"
I turn my eyes away from him
Not wanting to see the worry that I know
Will be in his eyes
"Mo sugu nanika mieru daro to"
"You'll see something soon,"
A sentence he won't understand
A sentence I don't understand
Until I feel hands
My hands
Tighten around
My own throat
"Iki o tomeru no,"
"So I'll stop my breathing,"
It's painful
The way my body
Struggles for oxygen
But my hands don't loosen
When my vision starts to blur
And turn dark at the edges
And even though my mouth is dry
And I'm gasping for air
As I squeeze the life out of myself
I somehow manage to finish
The thing I was trying
Tell that boy
"….Ima…."
"for now."
I close my eyes
And suddenly
I'm not struggling to breathe anymore
I've given up
I started to give up
On my first Rolling Day
But now,
I've given up
For good
I recall saying something earlier
What was it?
Was it "mou ikkai"?
"Mou ikkai…"
"One more time, one more time,"
I recall saying something
Today, at school
Responding to a question that boy had asked me
"Watashi wa kyo mo korogari masu to,"
"I will be rolling again today,"
Those two phrases
Those two short, short sentences
Circulate in my mind
Endlessly
As I am slowly choking
and the girl says, the girl says,
I can't tell
If I'm laughing out loud
Or if it's just in my head
But something is just so funny
Something I can't understand
Is completely hilarious
And I can't stop laughing
as she plays the sound of laughter to her unspoken words!
Suddenly
I can breathe again
The crushing, choking feeling
Around my throat
Is pulled away
And I suck in oxygen greedily
My lungs gasping with relief
And then
There are arms around me
Warm arms
Comforting arms
It's the boy
He's hugging me
People have hugged me before
My family
The people who call themselves "my friends,"
But never before
Has a hug
Felt this damn good
He's nearly squeezing me to death
Yet somehow
That makes it even better
"Mou ii kai?"
He whispers into my teal hair
"Are you done?"
I nod
I can't speak
My eyes are wide
And I can feel tears brimming
In the corners
"Mou ii you,"
"That's enough now,"
He tells me
Almost like he's talking to a child
And yet…
His voice is so soothing…
"Soro soro kimi mo tsukareta roune,"
"You must have been sick and tired of this,"
I nod
In agreement this time
My eyes are wide
I can't speak
"Iki o yameru no,"
He says
Stroking my teal hair
"So don't breathe now,"
It all comes rushing back
The things people have said to me
Words of friendship
Words of belonging
Words of kindness
The stories that boy told me
After I had rolled
I can finally remember them
And I also remember
A name
It takes me a second to realize
Whose name it is
The name is Hiro
The boy's name
And as I sit there
Wrapped in Hiro's warm embrace
I finally realize
That when my face turned red
When I was around him
Or when I spoke of him
It wasn't because I was angry that he knew
My rolling secret
I realize
That my heart burned not with flames
Of fury
Or hatred towards Hiro
They burned with love
I loved the boy
Who walked me home on my Rolling Days
And walked me home on my regular days
I loved the boy
Who told me stories of faraway lands and magic
After I had rolled
I loved the boy
Who held me in his arms
Without fear
Without repulsion
Without regret
With love
"Iki o yameru no,"
He says again
("So don't breathe,")
"Ima."
"Right now."
Well here it is! My first oneshot/poem thingee of the summer! I plan on posting one each month or so, so put me on author alert if you want s'more!
The Rolling Girl can have a lot of different interpretations, and this is the one I drew from it. Some ppl think its like she's having a rough relationship, or something, so that's why every day is rolling, like a cycle, and she still comes back with a smile, or something. Heh. I know the boy in the video doesn't have a name, but you know. Come on! He has to have a name!
This was kind of a weird experience for me, writing a oneshot that's so intense. I'm not a very serious person, I'm actually kind of a hyper and happy-go-lucky kind of girl, but I saw the video the other day, and just on a whim, pulled up Microsoft Word and started typing, with no real direction in mind. The video and the lyrics combined tell a sort of story, and I had to put it into words. He heh. You all must think I'm crazy. Writing about emo ppl is kinda fun!
When I started, I just had the English dialogue, but as I got into it, I was just like "screw it. I want Japanese!" I actually said that out loud, and my sister looked over at me like I was crazy. She does that a lot.
If you want to see the video, here ya go!
If you want super-duper-fantastical HD - www (dot) youtube (dot) com/watch?v=-kgsK1CNPWI&playnext_from=TL&videos=Bx_NkCIZ8t4
If you want accurate translations with Romaji lyrics too - www (dot) youtube (dot) com/watch?v=T8WCE00OuZo&feature=related
Well, that's all for now!
Peace, Love, and Rolling Girls,
Lily Grace, AKA RazberryPineapple