M O O N S H A D O W
- - -
sliver
- - -
A/N: Don't ask. I wouldn't even be able to START on how this thing came about.
Warnings: Sap. Angst. 9+6/6+9 and 9+3/3+9.
- - -
It was rather ironic, the way things happened that night. The dull grey of the sky had lost its mellow light, fading into mirky shades on dusk until finally it was left bare: a black sky studded in a weak impression of stars. The moon was lit in its entirety, the sun gifting it by positioning itself so that the reflected light coming from the cratered surface shone the color of true silver.
I turned away as they were preparing to leave.
They shook hands. Returned smiles and well-wishes, exchanged parting bits of gentility. Overnight bags were tossed into their car, last minute forages around their room to make sure that nothing important had been left behind. The usual preparatory mannerisms. The family's prayers for a safe trip and general happiness.
A faultlessly transcendent sky was all I saw. A silver moon through denim and slate colored clouds, a pretty picture too beautiful to exist apparently thrust up into the heavens to please whoever would take the time to observe it. The wind was perfection as it swept across everything and as I turned back to them, it rustled his long hair.
Zechs' smile dropped as he saw me. The shadows that were juxtaposed across his face from the swaying trees blocked my view of his face. Trowa was stiff and unmoving next to him, barely attempting to keep up the context of content visitor or departing acquaintance. He scarcely acknowledged everyone's excited farewells. The required amount of delaying had been completed and everyone walked back to the house, leaving me alone with the two of them as the car slowly pulled out of the driveway.
A soft drizzle had begun and my hair repelled the moisture, allowing the water to cling off of the ends of my bangs in tiny beads. I stood out on the grass long after the car had driven out of sight. Everything was dark. The only light came from the ivory splashes of moonbeam that fell through the trees and patterned itself around me. The perfect night that I'd never been able to create in my writing had finally happened. The setting was ideal, the flawless ending of a story. But the story-line was as sarcastically painful and hollow as life could make it.
- - -
The perfection of that last encounter was probably what made the actual ordeal worse. Zechs had looked so gorgeous in a plain pair of black dress pants and long-sleeved shirt. His hair was loose and flowing soft to the touch from having blow dried it. Even Trowa had managed to look relaxed for the few hours that they had stayed in the house. He'd borrowed some clothes from Delos and had worn black jeans along with a black sleeveless turtleneck. The clothes went well with his usual floor-length coat and boots, which he had yet to grow out of. Everything had happened in such a frantic blur that I'd forgotten all of the details that I swore I wouldn't.
I had left work early that morning, waiting anxiously for their arrival. I had received a clipped notice by link from Zechs that they would be coming in towards the mid-afternoon. And then they were here...And announced that they would be leaving the same night, it broke all of the illusions I had harbored of them remaining in Italy long enough to adjust myself to the idea of them being in country.
I was confused. Hurt, really. And they knew it, because they couldn't even look me in the eyes. The feeling of displacent washed over me as I drifted around the house, occasionally conversing with them about unimportant drivel that no one really cared about. Zechs and Trowa seemed closer friends than before. They glanced at each other and that must have muffled some of their discomfort, because I felt as if though they couldn't figure out what to do with me at all.
I guess maybe all of the awkwardness might have had something to do with me, but I wasn't really thinking. I wasn't ready for it. I loved them both, what can you really say when you haven't seen the people you love the most in years and they suddenly appear? Could I actually have been able to mutter out anything vaguely coherent if I wanted to?
The clear memory of walking down the hallway in silence, when Trowa had just come out from taking a shower. Steam filled up the hall and I fell against him. He stepped back so quickly that I could hear the sound of his back as it touched the wall. The hot mist cleared away and I noticed that his clothes had fallen to the floor. His dripping wet hair had turned the grey carpet at his feet black and he just...stood there. I knelt down, picking up the folded pair of pants and rumbled t-shirt and handed them back to him. He nodded in appreciation, finally detaching himself from the wall, but refusing to touch my hands as the clothes passed from my own trembling hands to his deathly steady ones. I held back tears as I left him in the hall.
I fled and made by way upstairs and out to the terrace balcony.
And Zechs had already beat me to it.
He was standing on the edge of the railing. He heard the soft click of my steps and turned. I thought to turn back, to maybe jump off or hide near the tea-roses, but the look on his face kept me walking until I had reached him. He opened his arms and I almost tripped over myself as I fell into his embrace. His arms wrapped around me for a few seconds and he kissed the top of my head, releasing me almost instantly.
"It's been a long time."
I nodded, not knowing what to say.
He swallowed and fidgeted with his hair. The gesture was familiar. Nostalgic with the edge of sorrow all traces of him had held for me for nearly four years. "Have you spoken with Trowa?""
"No."
He sighed as if he understood and told me their plans.
My disappointment must have shown on my face because he pursed his lips, attempting to explain the reasons. The tired reasons of business and responsibilities. Italy was only to be a short stop on their tour of Europe. They were supposed to have bypassed it and continued home to Sank Kingdom. The expectations of them had been to clean up all affairs concerning Sank's on-continent contracts within Europe and report immeditately to Parliament, rest for a few days and proceed to do the same in Asia. And now their trip was over and there was no need to stay. Nothing to keep them from just leaving.
I did my best not to think of the way that Trowa had acted so withdrawn towards me. Zechs had always been the one to support and carry my burdens, but my having fallen for his best friend had hit him hard. I loved him, loved him just as much as I was able to, but it was too difficult and neither one them was willing to share. What could they do, but leave me? Their friendship had endured the death of Trowa's last surviving blood-relative and Zechs' court-marshal from OZ. I couldn't allow the reason of its failure to rest upon my shoulders.
Zechs had accepted my rejection of his marriage proposal. Had accepted that I would not ever marry and had no intention of having children. But Trowa...I didn't know how he was dealing with it all. My refusal to chose one of them. To prefer to move out of Sank so that I would be away from them. I still wasn't sure if I truly loved Trowa or not. All I knew was that it hurt me more that Zechs was willing to speak to me while Trowa has refused.
And despite my loving him since the age of fourteen, if Trowa had been willing to acknowledge me and ZECHS had been the one to forget me, I have this feeling...I know that...
...that it wouldn't have mattered as much.
- - -
last revised: 01-24-04, saturday, 10:07:30pm
- - -
Maybe some of you have read this story in its previous, vastly more terrible incarnation. It was posted a rather long time ago under a different penname. It has taken me over a year to tackle the challenge of re-writing this.[This in fact being one of the only surviving ficlets of my first batch of GW writings.] I hope it was half-way decent. Let me know what you think. All type of constuctive comments are always welcomed. ^_^