Disclaimer: I don't own Saiyuki.
Title: The Taste of Insanity
Summary: His memories returned, but once he recieved them he wanted to forget them once again. The only thing to do is to build on the past to become stronger. SanzoXGoku, fluff, non-Yaoi
--
Maybe it was wrong to know, maybe it was always meant that he would go on living without ever knowing what he had done wrong, without knowing the true reason behind his imprisonment. It had all come back to him, one night after their first fight with the War God Homura, and he should be glad, right? Glad that he finally knows why he was imprisoned, but now it had traumatized him. No one else knew, no, he refused to tell Gojyo, Hakkai, or even Sanzo why he was always tossing and turning every night. Why he was so quiet, why he had changed completely from the person he was before.
It wasn't as if anything had changed, he still fought with Gojyo, Hakkai still was the mother-hen, and Sanzo was always yelling at them. They went on with their journey as if nothing had happened, but his crimes were there now at the back of his mind, gripping at him. Goku's eyes had become sunken, almost due to the fact that he was scared to sleep in fear that he'll have those nightmares again. He had never felt this way, he knew he had it easy compared to the other's who had to deal with their pasts their whole lives, but now that he knew he couldn't handle it.
"...Hey, Monkey, why so quiet again?" Gojyo asked, in a bored tone as they continued driving through the forest, "This has been going on for a week, and it's beginning to bug the living shit out of me..."
"I'm just thinking..."
"Wow, the monkey can think."
Goku glared at the half-breed, "Can you just leave me alone?" He didn't yell, he didn't screech, it was merely a suggestion. Usually, he would be angry with Gojyo, but it was more of a slight annoyance.
"Well, sorry..." Gojyo poked his head, "But this behavior is getting annoying."
"Almost as annoying as you are."
Hakkai laughed, "Maa maa, Gojyo, maybe Goku's just not in the mood for a good spar today."
"How about for this week?"
"Will you be quiet for once, Kappa?" Sanzo hissed, "Just leave the stupid monkey alone."
Goku just stared out, zoning everyone out once again as he continued to stare out into the horizon as they drove by. Hakkai glanced back at the teen, wondering what was wrong with him. He knew the boy hasn't had any sleep for about three nights, but he knew also not to pursue the matter. If things got out of hand, he will ask, but for now it seems that Goku wasn't going to be telling them anything.
"Goku..."
Goku looked up, "What is it, Sanzo?"
"When we stop I want to talk to you.." Sanzo said, putting a cigarette to his mouth, "Alone."
"...Alright..."
--
Sanzo stared down at the boy as they sat near a creek, right off where they stopped for dinner. He wasn't even looking back at him, occasionally he would, but for the most part Goku would just stare up at the sky.
"Goku."
Goku looked at him, "What is it that you want to talk about?"
"What the hell is wrong with you?"
There was silence, "I don't know what you mean..."
"Don't tell me that load of bullshit! There's something wrong, and you know it!" Goku flinched at the sound of his voice, but kept quiet, "You're acting different, and it's beginning to piss me off!"
"...Well, I'm not whining..."
"Well, for some damn reason I've become accustomed to it, so tell me what's wrong before I make you."
"..I remember..."
Sanzo raised an eyebrow, "And what the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Everything before my imprisonment, I remember. I got my memories back, Sanzo..." I'm a murderer.
"I see..." Sanzo looked at him again, "Care to tell me about it?"
"...I guess..." Goku sighed, "I had a master back then, his name was Konzen, he kind of looked like you only with longer hair...he had a friend, Tenpou, and then there was Kenren..."
"And that's traumatizing?"
"I'm not finished, Sanzo!"
"Fine, go on..."
"I had a friend, the War Prince Nataku, we were best friends I guess, but his father didn't like that." Goku's voice started to have a sad tone, almost sending chills down the monk's spine, "Nataku did anything his father said, because he was a war god and that's what he did. Nataku was a heretic like me, and Homura, but after a while his father commanded him to kill me...that didn't fit well for Konzen..."
"Your master, right?"
"Hai, and Tenpou, and Kenren were there too...Li Touten ordered Nataku to kill me, but I didn't...I never even told him my name, so when I told him my name he stopped, and turned the blade on himself..." The heretic paused before continuing, "Nataku was sent into a coma, but it wasn't finished there...Li Touten, out of anger, tried to finish the job himself but it didn't end up that way...he ended up killing Konzen instead..."
"...What happened?"
"Konzen took the blow for me." Goku frowned, "I was so upset that my diadem broke off, and in the end I had killed Tenpou and Kenren as well...I killed over three hundred Gods, Sanzo...I can't atone for that..." He paused again, "The worst of it all, I live with the guilt that I had murdered the only people who have ever believed in me."
"..."
"They wanted to kill me, but Konzen's aunt didn't want that, so she just imprisoned me to five hundred years without my memory..." Goku couldn't look at him, "Konzen had said something before he passed on, that if I kept calling, that he would return to me..."
"...But he never came..."
"I sometimes feel him around me, but yeah..."
There was a slight pause, "Goku..."
"What?"
"Don't dwell on the past too long, it'll only bring you down the more you think about it." Sanzo sighed, "I don't want you to end up like me."
"Eh? Like, how you are when it rains?"
"Hai..."
Goku paused before replying, "Have you ever had thoughts of dying? Just like, you should just kill yourself right now to end the pain?"
"...Maybe."
"I have many times when I was imprisoned..." Goku had never shared this with anyone, but he felt as if Sanzo should know, "I even attempted...you haven't seen it, but I have a huge gash on the back of my right leg, it was when I tried to cut it open...I don't know why, I guess I was half-insane that day..."
"Wait, how did-?"
"My leg healed fast, my whole body did, when I was imprisoned. I couldn't kill myself, it was if the Gods were mocking me...and now I know why."
Sanzo stayed silent for a moment, "They have nothing to mock, what you did was out of rage."
"I still commited a crime."
"A crime for what? All this wasn't your fault, Goku, this isn't your crime."
"Then-"
"You were imprisoned because someone higher than you didn't like you, you were imprisoned because the gods thought you were a monster." Sanzo sighed, "You were imprisoned because you are of heresy, and they're too weak to kill you off."
"..."
"They're scared of you, Goku. They're scared of all of you, Homura, you, and Nataku."
"I guess..."
"You can't dwell on what they did, you have to use that to become stronger..." Sanzo looked at him, "Don't live for anyone but yourself."
Goku looked at Sanzo, then at his hands, "You're right..."
"Tch, don't you remember what you said before we started this stupid journey?"
"Eh?"
Sanzo rolled his eyes, "Stupid, remember."
"From the day I was born...until the day I die, the only side I'm on is my own."
"Are you going to go against that now?"
Goku stared back, "No...No I'm not..."
"Good, now come on, let's go back." Sanzo said, "You're stupidity is beginning to grow on me."
"Hey, what's that supposed to mean?!"
If you meet the buddha, kill the buddha, if you meet your father kill your father, free of everything you are bound by nothing, just live the life that is given to you.
--
Okaaaaaaaaaay I wrote this on a whim. I I hope you enjoy. This is basically, a better version of 'Truly Cares' which my first ever Saiyuki fic, so i just kind of made it...more interesting? And plus, Sanzo is really a softie, isn't he? Especially when it comes to Goku. And he is very wise. D Well, no flames please...suggestions, yes, insults, no.
You all should know what the quote at the end is froooooooooom lol