Emo Farm

Emo Farm

Disclaimer: I no own Naruto or any other show/book, so please no sue me. I do own Hiroku and Hirari. -rawr- Mine!

Summary: Emo Farm- the emo-est place in the world! Orochimaru goes to stay there, and is joined by Sasuke, Gaara, and other emo Naruto peeps.

Author's Notes: this was inspired by an icon I saw on , with Naruto holding a piece of paper and text that said "Dear Loser, I've gone to live with Orochimaru on Emo Farm. Goodbye forever, Sasuke." I thought it was the funniest idea ever, so I promptly stole it and spun a story on it. As for the crossover characters…I'm assuming most of the known universe has at least heard of Potter, and the rest, well, I'll replace them with Naruto characters soon, so bear with me.

Well, that's enough of the useless long winding author's notes…onwards, onwards to the story!

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.

Orochimaru frowned at the ramshackle little house he saw. The sign on the rusty front gate said "Emo Farm". Sighing, Oro picked up his bags and walked to the front door.

Well, maybe here he'd be able to relax a little. Hoping Kabuto and Kimimaro wouldn't burn down his home in his absence, the sexiest of the three Legendary Sannin knocked on the front door.

The door burst open. A petite brunette with eyes the color of rain stood in the doorway, dressed in an elegant blue kimono with a simple stream pattern on it. Two silver silk fish were stitched into it; one at her right hip, the other at her left knee.

She grinned, the act lighting up her sickly grey face like a sunburst after a summer rain storm.

"Welcome to Emo Farm!! The emo-est place on Earth!" she squealed, dragging him in. The interior of the house was drab, in black, indigoes, purples and magentas.

"I'm Hiroku, I'm your hostess! C'mon in, let me introduce you to our other residents!" she chirruped merrily, leading him into a grand common room type hall where four men where playing poker.

"Sup," said a young looking boy, with apple green eyes, nodding at the new arrival.

"That's Harry Potter. His parents were killed by an evil wizard and he's inexorably linked to him due to a prophecy that states (and I quote) 'neither shall live while the other survives'," Hiroku explained brightly. Orochimaru waved uncertainly.

"This is Itachi-kun, yes, Uchiha Itachi, I think you've met…? His parents named him weasel. Tragic, isn't it? No wonder he killed them. He screwed over his little brother and joined an evil organization. They sent him off here for a vacation."

Itachi gave a brief grimace to acknowledge their acquaintance.

A pair of white haired men sat side by side—one had doggy ears and wore a red haori. They gave Orochimaru twin brief, appraising looks and returned their attention to their cards.

"Sesshoumaru-sama. His father dumped his ma for a human. He has issues with his brother, and is in love with a girl 1/116th of his age. Inuyasha (his brother) is torn between two women. Should he choose the dead one who was ready to believe that he'd betrayed her and wants to drag him to hell? Or should he go with the one that's alive, completely in love with him, but belongs to another time?"

"The eternal question," Orochimaru said sarcastically.

Hiroku laughed. "You'll fit right in."

"Anyone else?" he asked wryly.

"Yeah um…hey…" she looked around at the four men, "Guys," she began in smooth voice, "Where are Murtagh and Aikawa-chan?"

"Uh…who cares?" ventured Harry Potter.

"I think he said something about throwing her in the well," Itachi offered in an off hand way.

Hiroku sighed. "I'm sorry," she said, turning to Oro, "I'm going to have a look. Hirari!" she yelled, and received a muted response from upstairs (COMING!) "He'll take care of you," she said, leaving.

No sooner had she done so did a boy come into the room. Unlike his sister (there was no mistaking those eyes, grey as a slab of slate and heavily eyelined) he was tall, tall enough to tower over Orochimaru. Unlike his sister he had ruddy skin and rough hands. Like his sister, he was in a kimono—this one was green, patterned like a forest with a golden monkey on his left shoulder and a scarlet parakeet around his right ankle. Like his sister, his smile was sun kissed.

"I'm Hirari," he introduced himself, "I'll take your bags upstairs…you hang out with the boys. Hiroku will be back soon."

So she was, bringing in tow a very wet girl with onyx eyes and obsidian hair and a scowling, shamefaced teen with brown hair and brown eyes.

"Orochimaru-san, this is Aikawa-chan. She was raped by her stepfather, and got pregnant twice. Aborted the first time, gave birth the next, and put him up for adoption. Now she's in love with the only boy who knows of her tragedy, and is scared he won't accept her."

Oro nodded appreciatively.

"This is Murtagh, last but not least. His father threw a sword at him when he was three and gave him a back injury. This makes him prone to random seizures. He's destined to kill his bro or be killed by him, and his dragon is destined to get hit on by an older dragon who already hit on her gazillion year old teacher. Fun, no?" Hiroku concluded.

"I get all of them…them and their messed up stories…but what about you and your brother?" Oro asked, just as said brother came in to announce lunch.

"Hirari and I?" Hiroku giggled, "Oh, we're just a zesty incest-y couple! Everyone we've ever loved shunned us, and our parents sent out people to kill us. That's our messed up story in a nutshell of a nutshell, and lunch is getting cold, so let's go eat it, yes?"

Everyone trooped into a dining hall much too large and ornate for the simple meal of miso soup, rice, and taro.

"Except for mealtimes, you're pretty much free to whatever," Hirari explained as he smushed his rice with chopsticks, pouring soup over it, "The house goes on forever underground, so you can explore. Or if you like sunshine, the surrounding lands for a four hectare radius are ours. If you come across any tenant-type people, try not to kill them—its their money that puts food on our table."

Orochimaru nodded. He hadn't expected staying here to be so…tolerable. He wasn't exactly a people's person. But it seemed ok…so far.

--

Uwah, that was only an okay beginning...next chapter, Orochimaru writes some letters, and what is Sasuke's reply to an unexpected invitation? Well, you can wait for the next chapter to find out. Just to clear things up, Aikawa is from the manga Bitter Virgin, Murtagh is from the Inheritance trilogy by Chris Paolini, Inuyasha and Sesshoumaru are from the manga Inuyasha (or the anime, you pick) and if you know where Harry Potter's from, I send you a virtual sarcastic thumbs-up!