"Well... I wanted to talk to you, about that thing..."
"Huh? What thing? ...Roxas?"
"Axel, I... I think I like you. No, I know I like you."
"Well, I like you too, Roxas..."
"No, Axel. I like you."
"..."
"Roxas! Daydreaming again?" The blonde's head jerked upwards as he heard that hoarse voice calling his name. Shit... had he drifted off again? These daydreams were almost becoming a disability. A completely welcome one, though. It was his way of living out the one thing he really truly wanted, that single dream that would never come true... At the same time, it just put him in a bad mood. "Uh, what was the question?"
He looked up at the old woman, coming back into his consciousness. Roxas' English textbook was open on his desk, and a page number was written on the board. Had he really been daydreaming that long? He didn't usually do the book work anyways, having other things to preoccupy him. Drawing, mostly. The boy's sketchbook was closed, under his textbook.
This was his secret... or, rather, where his secrets came to life, dancing or crawling, lurching across the pages, driven forward by the blonde's overactive imagination. The pencil was an extension of his subconscious, doing things on its own sometimes, with no consent from Roxas' consciousness. At least, that's what it felt like. His drawings spoke for him, screamed out his happiness and sorrow, his anguish and darkness. Sometimes it seemed like they could jump off the page, tear themselves from that paper prison, and reveal to the world exactly what the boy felt. The surreal feeling they held was only visible to the blonde, for only he knew the acuteness of the impossibility those simple lines held.
Impossibility... his life seemed to revolve around it. It pulsed within him, suffocating his heart and any love it could possibly exude or absorb. It was always there, watching, waiting, evil and malicious. Always. He could feel it, like a prickling sensation, just below his pale skin, constantly teasing. Always reminding him of... that. It's all he ever dreamed about, all he ever thought about. The impossible feeling pulled at his veins again, trying to get a reaction out of him. He musn't give in, must not let all this out.
Needless to say, no one ever saw the inside of his sketchbook.
--
The bell finally rang, and Roxas slammed his textbook closed. Without hesitation, he picked it and his sketchbook up, along with his messenger bag, and was the first to leave the classroom. He quickly went to his locker, pulling the door open and slamming it against the wall, the metal-on-concrete sound reverberating in the hall. He threw his textbook in it and headed to his favorite class early, even though they had a break period before class started again. It's not like he had anyone to talk to anyways. All his friends had other people to talk to anyways... No one ever noticed he wasn't there. It just made that beast inside him tug harder on his heartstrings. His fingers twitched around his sketchbook.
The blonde dropped his bag and secret book on the table, where he and Marluxia would be sitting. The pink-haired male was another of his 'friends' who never seemed to care. Roxas dropped into his seat, letting out a tired sigh. He did get rather bored during this time of the day, when everyone else was out in the hall, conversing and laughing, having fun... The boy thought of who Axel would be talking to... probably Demyx and Ritsuka, Luna, maybe Zexion. And maybe - the demon clawed at his heart - Kairi. She was his rival, unbeknownst to her. Rival in love.
That was the secret expressed most often in his sketchbook - he had a crush on Axel, the most nonchalant 'friend' of his. It was strange - they hardly ever talked, and only really met each other through Demyx. But Roxas' heart yearned for him, for those slender fingers and that perfect body... He doubted the red-head even knew he was gay. Not that it would make a difference, because Axel had already expressed his thoughts on homosexuals. 'It's okay if you're gay, just don't be gay around me.' Is what he had said before. Hypothetically. And it had killed Roxas to hear that. That was the moment all his mental torture had started, when that fiend was born.
Even if they're only in the same room – no, if he's within earshot and eyesight of the blonde… he can feel the tension eating at his soul, egging him on, wanting Roxas to burst out in bloody awful screams. He's wanted to do that for awhile now. His heart pounds in his chest, knocking against his ribcage with such force it could knock the boy sideways in an instant. But… the blonde has an inkling that Axel can't feel this at all, that he's oblivious to the yearning Roxas holds, to the lust and desire he can't seem to keep under control any longer. And that's the worst of it. Only Demyx and Ritsuka know of what sleeps restlessly in his heart. Axel probably won't… no, will never know. It's impossible.
And to add insult to injury, when the blonde and his crush do talk, Axel, being the rather… dramatic person he is, says things jokingly, like, 'Hey, sexy!' He'd put his arm around Roxas' shoulders playfully, unknowingly tempting the blonde. And at that parting hug the red-head always gave him... the boy felt like never letting go. He tried to hold on forever, but Axel would always pull away too early for the blonde's desires to be satisfied. Sometimes, when his emotions were pulled taut in a position of acute sensitivity, he would go directly to his bus after school, instead of waiting to talk to the red-head. Of course, his 'desires' would never be completely sated… what he wanted was utterly… impossible.
'Impossible.' It repeated over and over in his mind, plaguing him with this paranoia and depression that he wished he could do away with forever. What could he do? Telling the red-head was out of the question, most definitely. After all, Axel certainly wasn't gay. But… neither was Roxas. In fact, the blonde thought that this love wasn't determined by gender at all. He was just… doomed because of it. Some power or powers that be must love seeing Roxas like this.
Maybe Ritsuka or Demyx will let his most carefully concealed secret out on accident, maybe Axel will eavesdrop, like he always did, on them talking about it. Then, maybe the red-head will realize what Roxas already knows – that they're destined to be together. Forever. Or maybe the blonde was just thinking too hard. Perhaps… there was no future for him and his secret, the thing he repeated over and over in that sketchbook. His thoughts on the subject would just disappear into unknown oblivion, never to see the light of day. Those pages will be burned, scorched by Axel's unawareness. Roxas would never be touched so tenderly by those fingers, never feel the love he wished he had, never get all he ever wanted. 'Never'. The second word that controlled him day after day.
The blonde half wished that Axel would find out. But all Roxas could imagine in a case like that are the red-head saying the words, 'faggot' and 'never' and refusing to be friends with the boy. Eventually… this will just eat him alive. And no matter what happens, Roxas will just… fade away, never to say the words hidden deep in his consciousness – "I love you, Axel."
And to never hear a genuine, affectionate response from his partner - "I love you too, Roxas."