You Are the Reason - A Dawsey Fanfic

Act One

"There goes my heart beating, cause you are the reason
I'm losing my sleep, please come back now

There goes my mind racing, and you are the reason
That I'm still breathing, I'm hopeless now"

Casey sighed as he hopped off Truck 81 and hung up his turnout coat. They were returning from a tough fire at an apartment complex and he was exhausted from running in and out of the building. He rubbed his neck as he followed his guys and thought for a moment about staying with them to finish the dinner that they'd left behind for the call but decided against it once he saw how talkative they were in the common area. He didn't feel like being chatty. He managed to pick up what was left of his food and head down the hallway without anyone noticing and was thankful for the quiet of his office. He sighed again as he sat down.

Nothing on this shift had been anything out of the ordinary for House 51 but at the same time, everything was different. Casey looked on his desk and saw the bright brown eyes and shining smile of his wife, Gabriela Dawson, staring back at him. She wasn't there but he always felt her presence when he was on shift. She was off in Puerto Rico on an assignment with a CFD task force that was helping the country recover from Hurricane Maria. The assignment was for three months and the end of it was coming up soon but it would never be soon enough for Casey. She'd been gone for 2 months, 2 weeks, 3 days, and 16 hours…he couldn't help but keep track. On one hand it felt like a million years since she'd left but on the other, it felt like only yesterday that he'd taken her to O'Hare where they'd both said, "See you later" (no goodbyes…that was the promise). He knew that things were going well for her down there, they spoke on the phone twice a week, but he still missed her. She was experiencing new things, meeting new people, helping fix a country, and he was just, there. He sat back in his chair, his food forgotten, and thought about how they had gotten to this point. Where did it all go sideways?

*flashback*

Gabby slowly walked into her and Matt's apartment and sighed as she put her coat down on a chair. She looked around but saw no sign of him in the living room. The lights were mostly out but she saw something coming from their bedroom so she headed in that direction. She opened the door and saw him sitting on the floor in front of their bed with his head resting on the end. He looked so lost that her heart broke. She slowly approached him and said, "Hey".

He turned with a start, so much concern all over his next words, "You came home. I was starting to wonder after it got so late."

"I'm sorry. I know I said I would only be gone a little while but I guess time got away from me. I ran an errand and then just needed some time to myself before coming home."

He gave her one of his small smiles before asking, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," she returned his smile and sat down next to him on the floor. "Please tell me you haven't been sitting on the floor this whole time."

He chuckled as he answered her, "No, I was out on the couch before I came in here."

She was glad that he hadn't been stewing on the floor all this time. She knew they were both still fragile from their earlier fight. It was a rough one. Things had gotten so tense between them throughout this whole baby situation and she was scared to rock the boat by bringing it up again. She knew they needed to talk though and it had to be that night. She prepared herself for what could be a tough conversation and decided to just go for it.

"How did we get here Matt?"

"Honestly, I have no idea Gabby. One minute we're having all kinds of fun trying to get pregnant, the next we're being told about that scary aneurysm that makes pregnancy dangerous for you, then we're fighting in our kitchen over the best way to add a child to our family, and it all snowballed from there. I feel like I got hit by a brick to be honest."

"That's pretty accurate", Gabby said as she sighed next to him. "We're both pretty emotional anyway so this whole thing just rocked us to our core."

"You forgot stubborn," Matt said wryly as he smiled at her, "but yeah, that news really did shake us up. Neither of us expected that type of news". She smiled softly back at him and nodded before continuing the conversation.

"I'm sorry that I was so stubborn about having a baby. I know you weren't trying to upset me with the whole adoption thing or even with everything you said earlier tonight. You were just trying to find a solution for us that would keep me safe. I didn't see that before but I do now. I thought I was explaining my reasons for this decision well but looking back, I know that it didn't come across that way."

"I'm sorry too Gabby," Matt said quietly as tears threatened in his eyes. "I never meant to leave you out of that adoption thing. I knew it was something that would be hard for you and I only wanted to get information from them, but I don't think I realized how much it hurt you to think about raising an adopted child. This isn't the same situation as Louie was for us, but I get now how much it scared you that it would turn out the same way. I'm sorry for that and for not saying things right on my end either. We're both guilty of not communicating our best through this whole thing."

"Yeah, I think we've been talking *at* each other instead of talking *to* each other and that's what created this mess. I really don't like fighting with you Matt."

Matt nodded before saying, "I don't like it either" as Gabby leaned into his side and rested her hand on his knee. Now that their emotions weren't as high, they were much calmer and felt more, well, normal. They sat that way for a while before Gabby cleared her throat and prepared herself for the next part of their conversation.

"I think we should table this whole baby thing for a while," she said quietly. "This all happened so fast that it didn't give us a chance to breathe. I thought tonight about what Herrmann told us after we lost Louie. He said that sometimes you have to live with the pain for a while…process it. We need to admit that the news we got about my health was the 'real blow' for us this time and admit that it really hurt. We haven't really done that yet and I think we need to before we can get past our differences. I know I need to sit with it for a while myself…I don't think I've really processed the medical part of this yet and I know I need to."

Gabby felt Matt nod next to her. He rested his hand on hers and said, "I think you're right. That was such a big blow for us. I don't think either of us saw that coming. I really do feel like we could figure out something that works for both of us but I still don't know why were in such a big rush to fix it all at once."

"I think I know…at least for me", Gabby said quietly. Matt turned to look at her and saw that her face had grown sad. He squeezed her hand hoping it gave her some strength.

"I haven't been the same person since Shay died. I think somewhere deep inside me I knew this but when I was out today it really hit me…" Gabby paused to sniffle a bit as she remembered her lost friend. Matt turned so she could lean further into his side. Clearly this was something not related to their earlier fight and it worried him as she continued her story.

"That should have been me Matt…the person who died in that warehouse explosion. Shay and I switched places when we were taking care of that patient near the stairs. When that beam came down it landed right where I'd been standing. It shook me so much and I struggled for a long time trying to process what happened."

Gabby swallowed hard before continuing, "I went to see Chaplain Orlovsky because I was so overwhelmed and finally told him about the beam. He was great and let me cry it all out in his office one day. I thought that would have helped me move past the pain and loss but now, after how I reacted to this medical issue and being told I shouldn't have a baby, I think I've confused my strength and confidence with something bigger. I think over time I've been trying to, I don't know…sort of, prove to the world somehow that I'm worth being here? I know that must sound really odd."

"No," Matt said quietly. "Grief can do weird things to us so I get it. I went through difficult issues with Darden and Hallie's deaths. We never really get over losing someone close to us when it happens that way…you just learn how to deal with it over time."

Gabby nodded, remembering how hard Matt took it when they died and how long it took him to recover from each one. She took a breath before continuing.

"It wasn't just being confident in my abilities. It was helping anyone when I could and trying to do everything possible to prove myself. I felt like I had to be the best paramedic, the best candidate, the best friend, the best girlfriend, the best sister, the best wife, and on and on and on. If something got in my way or someone tried to tell me that I couldn't do something, it just made me even more determined to do it. Every single obstacle I faced these last few years just made me more determined to not let it get in my way. It wasn't just you, I wasn't taking advice from other people either. That strength that everyone always saw in me had become more of an obsession and I realize now how much it's affected all my relationships."

Gabby paused for a moment and Matt thought back to a few of their more recent arguments. The thing with Bria popped into mind first and he remembered how determined Gabby had been to help that girl. Her determination to be a foster mom to Louie even though he had been against it at first. He thought about all the times she didn't tell him something she was working on or kept information from him because she knew he wouldn't agree with it.

She used to come to him with all her problems and it startled him to realize that over time, that had changed between them. No wonder she had reacted so badly to this aneurysm news…this wasn't something she could fix on her own, and she'd forgotten how to rely on another person. He really did love her independence and strength but she couldn't be strong all the time and that's all he wanted for them…for her to rely on him when she couldn't handle it on her own. He stroked her hand to make sure she knew he was still right there with her.

"I'm sorry that I've put distance between us at times during our relationship. I love you so much and I never meant to hurt you. My brain was seeing reliance on someone else as a weakness and proof that maybe I should have been the one who died in that warehouse, and it made me act in ways that, looking back now, I think I would have handled differently."

"I know I've put my own wants and needs above yours and I'm so sorry for doing that. I know that's not how marriage works and its not how friendships work either. Sylvie yelling at me after our call today about being selfish was another thing that triggered all this in my brain. I don't want people seeing me that way. I really don't want you seeing me that way."

Gabby was crying at this point and Matt shifted again so he could hold her close to him. His heart was breaking for her. Yes, at times she'd done things her way and not listened to anyone else's advice, but deep down, he knew that Gabby had a heart of gold and that she only wanted to help people. He remembered how many times she'd been there for him when he was at his absolute worst and how much they'd supported each other through their miscarriage and losing Louie. He stroked her hair as she continued to cry in his arms.

"It's okay Gabby and for the record, I don't see you that way at all. I know how much you love to help others and I never mind when you have these big ideas or something a little crazy that you want to do."

"I just want you to let me go there with you so you're not dealing with everything alone. You don't have to depend on me all the time; I just don't want to be left behind as we go through our life together, and, just for the record," he stopped for a minute and raised her head so he could look into her eyes, "Your strength? Your passion? Your desire to help others? Those *are* all the things I love the most about you. Tonight's mess doesn't change that for me, but for us, this baby decision isn't something that either of us can do on our own. We need to figure it out together because it directly affects both of us. I agree that tabling the baby discussion is a great idea. I really am okay with that."

Gabby smiled at him and gently stroked his face. He had reacted to her confession better than she thought he would but then again, Matt had always been way more understanding than he needed to be about things so she wasn't all that surprised by his reaction either. They held each other for a while and eventually decided to go to bed after a very exhausting day and talk more tomorrow. They slept in each other's arms, tired from the overly emotional evening but finally finding some peace.

*end flashback*

The next day was when Gabby had told him about the Puerto Rico trip and how Chief Hatcher had asked her to be part of this CFD task force that had been created to help with the recovery efforts. They laughed about how hard it must have been for him to ask her since they knew he didn't like her that much.

Matt got quiet though as she told him about the trip and what all they would be doing there. He was upset at first thinking that she was running away from him, especially after their talk the night before, but he quickly realized that this trip wasn't about them but about her finally finding some peace of mind again and healing her past pain. Her confession the night before showed him how much being in Chicago wasn't helping her so he encouraged her to go with the team. He could see that she needed a break, not just from the emotional bruises they'd been dealing with in their marriage, but the job issues that had suddenly formed at the house.

They were pleasantly surprised that it turned into a great discussion between them since it could easily have ended up in another fight. They both have a passion for helping others though and they knew it wasn't something that would last forever. It sounded like an incredible opportunity for Gabby to make a difference in a country that was still struggling all these months after Maria. He made her promise to call him at least twice a week so they could keep in touch and they made plans for him to come visit halfway through her assignment.

Unfortunately, another curve ball was thrown at them when Matt got injured on a call and ended up in the hospital a few days before he was supposed to leave. Then he got sidelined with a horrible bout of the flu that flattened him for a week and he couldn't make that trip to see her. They were both heartbroken about this turn of events but another trip was quickly planned and thankfully, it was coming up soon. He was scheduled to leave for Puerto Rico in a little over a week and he couldn't wait to see her. He knew the work they were doing down there had brought her a lot of peace and joy and he couldn't wait to share that with her.

Casey sighed again. His trip was soon but not soon enough. Nothing about Chicago had ever bothered him before but the routine of his current life was starting to get to him.

Chief Boden was still trying to deal with Grissom as the new commissioner and it was overwhelming at times. Political issues were not his favorite thing but he kept getting dragged into the CFD problems because of one, his alderman experience, and two, as the second highest ranking officer at the house, Boden was strongly relying on him for support. He was happy to give Boden whatever support he could but Grissom was such a pill and he was making life miserable for everyone. Budget constraints, odd decisions, protocol changes…they weren't sure when the changes were going to stop. Boden was more stressed out than Casey had ever seen him and he worried that his chief was going to break at some point soon.

As if that wasn't enough, his fellow first responders at House 51 were getting on his nerves as well and he knew it was horrible to feel that way. They didn't know the whole story, he and Gabby had decided not to tell them about all their fights or baby struggles, and while their friends understood her desire to go help in Puerto Rico, they seemed to be going out of their way to try to make Casey feel not alone. He wasn't really depressed, he kept himself busy with construction jobs in addition to his captain duties, but the more they talked about him not having Gabby there, he started feeling lousy and didn't want to do anything with them. Herrmann especially seemed intent on making him feel part of everything. Casey knew they meant well but he finally made the decision to limit his time with them to the occasional drinks at Molly's and working with them at House 51. He couldn't handle more than that right now. He knew they missed Gabby too but the constant checking on him and asking him how he was doing was becoming tiresome.

His phone startled him out of his thoughts and he smiled as he saw a familiar number pop up on his screen. He smiled as he answered the call, "Hey babe, how are things going this week?"

"Lousy," Gabby said as she sighed into the phone. "We have a big problem. Our lead contractor, the guy who's been the head of the construction planning down here for months, had a family emergency in New York and left today. We have no one who has the experience to keep the current projects going which means our assignment here is gonna end sooner than they planned and will leave several families without finished homes. It's so disappointing that we won't be able to finish what we started for them."

Matt's face fell as he listened to Gabby's story. This task force had done some amazing work helping rebuild several homes and businesses outside the city of Carolina. The team had been joined by some of the Carolina citizens in the rebuilding efforts but they didn't have the background or experience to maintain the projects' pace without extra guidance. He knew that they were all on a strict timeline for finishing this work prior to the end of their assignment. Gabby had helped with some of the homes but her main job was to help educate the citizens about healthcare issues and assist the medical team with the language barrier as necessary. He was thinking about ways to help them when an idea suddenly came to mind.

"How much do you guys have done right now?" he asked Gabby while looking at his calendar and checking his current furlough availability.

"Everything is still in progress, we're way past the planning stages for this area now, but it's not like we can leave floors half done, walls unbuilt, and cabinets uninstalled which is what happened today when Tom left for New York. No one knew what to do next in any of these projects or even how to read all the plans that he left behind."

Matt noted a couple of things about his schedule and then shared his idea with Gabby, "Well, how would you feel about me coming down there early to help out?"

"Really?!" she exclaimed excitedly into the phone. "You would do that?"

"Of course," he said smiling. "I'm coming down there soon anyway and I have the furlough available to make this a longer trip. I know I could read those plans and help everyone get back on track. I could also use the longer break from the Grissom drama here in Chicago. Do you think the team would be okay with me coming early?"

"Are you kidding?" Gabby couldn't help laughing at his question. "They've all been so anxious to meet my handsome, brave, firefighter husband that I think they'll be thrilled about you coming early. They'll be even more excited that you can help them finish all this work and hey, now I get to see you a lot sooner than I originally planned which is just, the best thing ever. I've missed you SO much babe."

The big goofy grin that Matt reserved only for his wife was plastered all over his face as he listened to her excitement at seeing him soon. He moved the phone to his left hand so he could jot some details down in his notebook and said, "Then it's settled. I'm gonna get on the phone with the airline now and see how much I can move my flight up and then let you know what day I'll be joining you in Puerto Rico. I'm pretty sure Boden can live without me for a bit longer although I can't promise he won't do something bad to Grissom while I'm gone."

Gabby chuckled into her phone, "Perfect. I'll let you go then so you can take care of everything. I'll go talk to Chief Hatcher and the others to let them know that help is on the way. Keep me posted so I can help get you from the airport to our complex here."

"Will do," Matt said with a smile. "Take care of yourself and I'll see you soon. I love you babe."

"I love you too baby. Keep your badge off the wall," Gabby said before they hung up. Matt got straight to work getting his trip moved up and putting in the request for longer furlough. Suddenly life wasn't looking so mundane anymore and the excitement of seeing his wife soon gave him extra motivation to get through his last shift at 51 before heading to Puerto Rico.

"I'd climb every mountain and swim every ocean
Just to be with you and fix what I've broken
Oh, cause I need you to see, that you are the reason"

END OF ACT ONE