Tears

A Oneshot

A\N: Tis yet another oneshot about 5x05. Isn't it amazing how many have sprung up since the episode aired? Anyways, this is basically Arthur actually noticing that Merlin had tears in his eyes when he answered that question that every single on of us was yelling at the TV\computer screen at. If I noticed that my friend had tears in his eyes when answering a question then I'd think that that would be a pretty huge tip off that something's wrong. I don't care how oblivious Arthur is, if he hasn't noticed that Merlin has had some rather drastic changes lately then he is blind. Ok, anyway, one with my fic. I'll include my other thoughts of the episode at the bottem. I don't own anything but my own ideas.

As Merlin walked away, carrying a basket of Arthur's laundry ready to be washed, Arthur paused in the hallway with an extremely thoughtful look on his face- A look filled with confusion and pensiveness. It was enough to cause Gwaine to notice.

"What's wrong Arthur?" Gwaine asked him, not failing to see that the king's eyes remained steady on Merlin's disappearing shape, even remaining in his general direction after Merlin turned a corner.

"Nothing," Arthur lied. Gwaine waited for Arthur to look at him. "Fine, it's just... Have you noticed anything about Merlin recently?"

"No, why?"

"I know it has to be nothing but I think there's something wrong with him." Arthur said, "Haven't you noticed his odd behavior?"

"Well he won't go to the tavern with me." Gwaine tried to crack a joke but it fell flat. In truth, he hadn't seen much of Merlin lately. They both had busy schedules, with Merlin following after Arthur all the time and himself protecting the realm. However, now that he thought about it, even when they both had some free time they hadn't spent it together. Gwaine realized he hadn't had a good conversation with his friend in months. Maybe something was wrong with Merlin.

"He is obviously upset about something." Arthur mused, more to himself than to Gwaine, "But..."

"What?"

"It never takes him this long to snap back." Arthur admitted, "And I've never seen him like this before. He doesn't smile, joke, complain, offer up strangely wise suggestions..." Arthur trailed off again before continuing, "Get caught in awkward situations, offer up horrible excuses, tell me who is trying to kill me that week, spend days in the tavern or anything. It's driving me mad! It's just not like the Merlin I know. Are you sure you don't know anything, I know you two are close."

Gwaine felt slightly guilty but he shook his head, "I hadn't even noticed. I will try to find out though, if something is bugging Merlin then we need to help him."

"Thank you, Sir Gwaine." Arthur thanked him. Arthur was officially worried. What was Merlin into? Why did his friend seem to be distancing himself from people? Arthur had noticed Merlin withdrawing into himself, growing solemn. It scared him. When Arthur had first met his manservant he had been cheerful, brave, he had lacked all sense of self-preservation and stood up for what he believed it. That boy had wanted to save everyone and everything, he was clumsy and he not seemed too concerned with class. It scared Arthur, how much that young boy had changed.

However, the worst thing was something that Arthur didn't even want to put into words. But he knew it was true, he had seen it before in a person that Arthur word have never thought Merlin would show any similarities with. Merlin was growing paranoid. Paranoid. Paranoid, like his father. Whenever Arthur wanted to go on a quest, whenever he wanted to do something he knew was right- something that Merlin would have advocated him to do a few years ago- if it was at anyways dangerous, Merlin advised against it. Because it was dangerous. That didn't sound like the Merlin he knew, the one who was brave and didn't mind dying for him. He remembered Merlin freaking out when he hadn't killed Mordred, uttering the most un-Merlinlike sentence he had ever heard himself say. Merlin still acted strange around Mordred. And then Merlin's complete and utter denouncement of magic from the other day, with tears in his eyes.

Tears. Arthur had asked his friend for advice and Merlin had gotten tears in his eyes. Those tears were what had finally tipped Arthur off that Merlin's weird behavior was actually serious, those tears had finally gotten him to recognize there was a problem and think back. Merlin had always been a little skittish about answering questions about magic. Arthur had never known why. He knew that it was a difficult subject, magic was a crime that would get you killed after all, but Merlin had given clear opinions on other complicated subjects before and had denounced many things to be wrong. But magic? He never wanted to answer. He'd always say that he was just a servant or something equally self-depreciating. Normally, Merlin had only justified that this was one of the few area's that Uther had been right about. However, the times were rare but they existed all the same, Merlin would also not say he supported magic but he'd let Arthur try to heal his father with it or something like that. Whenever Arthur said that he was thinking that magic wasn't Evil, Merlin would get the oddest bright look in his eyes. Whenever Arthur condemned it, Merlin's eyes seemed to grow dark and flat. But tears?

Why had Merlin gotten tears in his eyes? Arthur didn't understand! Merlin had tried to deflect the question, then answer it ambiguously before Merlin had stolen one of Arthur's father's lines that proclaimed no uncertain position against magic. But with tears in his eyes. It was if Merlin had been at war with himself, as if he really didn't want to say what he did. But why? Arthur wouldn't have condemned him if Merlin had taken the other side, in fact Arthur would have thought it to be completely in character for Merlin to say that maybe magic wasn't completely evil, it can't have corrupted everyone who used it, that it had healing purposes. He had thought Merlin would want to save a loyal knight. That's what Arthur has wanted to do. Instead Merlin had gotten tears in his eyes.

Arthur left Gwaine, determined to talk to Guinevere. She was Merlin's friend as well, openly admitting it rather than hiding it behind a transparent façade. He found her outside, on top of one of the castle walls, looking at their kingdom.

"Arthur!" She greeted, smiling beautifully. Then she noticed his mood. "What is the matter Arthur."

"It's Merlin." Arthur said,

"What about Merlin?" Guinevere looked confused and slight worried,

"I think something is wrong with him."

"Arthur," Guinevere looked slightly chastising, "He-"

"No," Arthur interrupted, feeling slight guilty, but justified as he had to correct his wonderful wife before she got the wrong idea, "He has been acting differently lately. I'm worried about him Guinevere."

Her eyes widened in surprise and then her face became grim, realizing that Arthur was serious. She knew that for Arthur to actually admit he felt anything for Merlin at all it had to be something big.

"What happened?"

"When we went back to the Disir, I asked him for his advice. I had to make a choice between upholding my father's ideals and Mordred's life. The Disir said that they would only save Mordred if I embraced magic."

"Arthur?" Guinevere was now extremely confused, "But Mordred is alive."

"I know." Arthur sighed, "And I'm thankful for that. But that wasn't helped by any choice of mine. I choose the betterment of the kingdom."

"So how is this connected to Merlin?"

"I asked him what to do. He tried to evade it, I could tell that he didn't want to answer but I needed his consul. He eventually told me that magic had no place in Camelot, but there were tears in his eyes."

"Tears?" She too, looked shocked. "But, why?"

"I don't know." Arthur admitted, "But then I got to thinking and I noticed how strange Merlin has been recently. He's been so serious, so grave. It's like he can't be happy anymore."

"You'll have to go talk to him then," Guinevere told him, "Find out what's going on with him."

"You don't know?" Arthur slumped, sadness and worry becoming apparent on his face.

"I haven't gotten to talk to him recently," Guinevere confessed,

"But why would he get tears in his eyes?" Arthur asked himself, more than her.

"Maybe he didn't like dooming Mordred, he is such a sweet boy." Guinevere suggested,

"No." Arthur knew that much. "It wasn't that."

"But the only other suggestion is that Merlin was lying." His wife brought up,

That stuck him like a blow across the face. He hadn't even considered that.

"Lying." He said quietly,

"I'm sure he wasn't," Guinevere tried to backtrack, "Why would Merlin ever lie to you?"

"I don't know Guinevere! I don't know." Arthur's mind started to go crazy on him,

"He wouldn't without a good reason." She tried to assure him,

"Merlin doesn't trust me."

"He does, Arthur. You know he does."

"No, he doesn't." Arthur went on, "He doesn't trust me that he doesn't think magic is evil. Why not? I've made it clear to him that I'm not even sure it's evil half of the time!"

"Maybe he doesn't want to think it's evil. Do you remember when we first went to Ealdor, do remember his friend Will? He was a sorcerer. We all know that Gauis used to practice. Maybe he's conflicted about it, with all the evil he's seen it do. Maybe he finds it hard to admit that those two could have turned out like Morgana."

Arthur had not thought about Will in years. That had been in the first few months that he had known Merlin, when Merlin was so much cheekier and happier. It had been the first time Merlin had ever lost someone important to him.

It was funny how a sorcerer had saved his life. He remembered that he was grateful, yet at the same time deeply ashamed at himself, that Will had been the sorcerer instead of Merlin and that Will had died so Arthur wouldn't have to deal with him. Did Merlin ever think of his childhood friend? Was that why his feelings about magic were always so strange.

"I don't know, Guinevere," Arthur finally said, "It just seemed more personal. Like saying those words were ripping him apart inside. It was like he was fighting with himself."

"Merlin does care a lot about his friends." Guinevere shrugged, not having any other ideas.

"But-" Arthur suddenly had the most insane thought he had ever come up with. "No. No, no, no. That's impossible."

"Arthur, what is it?" her voice took on a worried tone.

"Merlin doesn't have magic." Arthur stated, his voice wobbling and his eyes focused on Guinevere, desperate for reassurance.

"Merlin can't have magic!" She looked so shocked, but also very sure of himself, "He would never betray you Arthur, you know that."

"It would explain why he's been so different lately." Arthur's traitorous tongue blathered, "It could be corrupting him and maybe he can't stop and-"

"Merlin would never betray you." Guinevere said clearly, her
whole heart backing up her words. "He is loyal to a fault to you. He would die for you Arthur and I think he would die for me as well. But he would do anything for you."

"But what's happening to him? Why has he always been so cautious about magic?"

"You will have to ask him." She told him,

"He won't answer." Arthur grumbled, "He'll just evade it or switch topics."

Gwen hesitated as she looked at her husband. She knew Arthur was right. She knew what she should say, that when Merlin was ready for him to know then he would tell him. But because she was also Merlin's friend, she knew that wasn't true. Merlin would never tell them if something was truly wrong with him. He kept things to himself. She sometimes thought it was because Merlin was trying to save his friends some pain but in recent years she had worried it went a little deeper than that. Did he think no one would care if they found out? Did he think no one would believe him? Or had it just become habit?

Gwen thought quickly, weighing her options. She had noticed that Merlin had been looking more serious lately but Gwen hadn't paid much attention. If Arthur was noticing something... And worried enough to go to her for help then... Something was wrong. Merlin needed help, even though he's never ask.

She made her decision. She was Merlin's friend to and she wasn't going to have him suffer alone. She wasn't going to watch her husband fall to pieces if Merlin got into something he couldn't get out of. This was the time for action.

"Then we find out." Gwen announced, watching Arthur's face carefully, "Maybe Gaius or one of the knights will know something. We search for answers and then we'll help Merlin, you'll see."

She saw her husband start to smile. He wasn't the best with emotions, especially with Merlin but he could take action. Arthur felt comfortable with a goal. It may not have been the most mature way to deal with the situation, spying wasn't exactly the most moral way, but it would have to do. Merlin would never tell them anything and Arthur could never hold a conversation like that without making it worse.

"So we're going to help Merlin."

"We are going to help Merlin."

A\N: I'm not sure I like how this turned out or not. I like parts but some of it wandered a little. But that's ok. I'm almost temped to write another short fic about Arthur actually confronting Merlin at the campfire scene. I dunno.

Anyways, who else thinks Merlin made the stupidest mistake ever? Merlin could have gotten magic back in Camelot, fulfilled his destiny and stopped the pursecution against people with magic! Instead, he decided to kill one guy. One guy over all his hopes and dreams. One guy who hasn't done anything yet, because the dragon wants him dead. Merlin should know better than to ask the dragon for advice. It never goes well. Kilgarrah is not a big good in this series, he only wants what's best for him. Merlin is just going to end up turning Mordred smirky, and we'll have another Morgana all over again!

I suppose what I find really stupid of Merlin's decision is that he just doomed all of Camelot because a dragon (who has attacked Camelot before, not minded Hunith dying and had Merlin turn Morgana evil) told him one guy (who actually seems really sweet) should die. If Mordred really needs to die, Merlin could through him off a cliff later or something. Poison. Gaius has a nice, easy to get to supply. Magic. A quick blow to the head. If Merlin was going to kill him then he could atleast do it actively rather then depending on someone elses sorcery and missing out on the chance of a life time. If there is anyone the Disir should be mad at, it's Merlin. Wasn't returning magic supposed to be Emrys's job? But whenever Arthur gets close (notice that Arthur never stays on that 'magic is pure evil' kick for long) Merlin just stops him and make him think magic is evil for another season.

The reveal, when ever it happens (this season please!) is going to be so... it'll be beyond awkward. It's going to be painful at this point. I don't think that there are many ways left that it can happen smoothly after this point. We got past the 'ooh! Magic evil!" factor a while ago, and the "My father!" as well. Now it's going to be the lying and Merlin being hypocritical and cowardly in Arthur's opinion.

I have a really bad theory that I'm really hoping doesn't come true about this years season finale. As dark as they're making Merlin and with Arthur growing so close to Mordred, I think Merlin's going to get caught trying to kill Mordred with magic and Arthur's not going to take it well. I really hope that doesn't happen but we all know that something this season will be about Arthur picking Mordred over Merlin after this last episode. It is going to make me bawl my eyes out I tell you because I hate things like that happening in cannon (and yet I find stuff like that in fanfic wonderful...). Then again, I could be wrong.

This is a long, uber-tangent filled Author's note that I think I'll end here. I do have to say though, I've loved this season so far and am really excited about next weeks episode! We are finally going to get some more Gwen! And Gwen against Morgana! It's going to be awesome! (And maybe Gwen will actually get to talk to Merlin longer than one line!)

So what did you think about my fic? (or do you have any comments about the last episode? Or any theories about what's coming up? I completely understand if you want to rant about how things are going.)

Ergh. This is so long. I'm just going to stop right here before I write anymore!