A couple of months ago I discovered Glee (I know, I know-I'm always late lol, but the upside was I binged through it all without those annoying breaks between seasons-laughing, squeezing, singing along, tearing up, ugly crying through it all-only to go back and do it all again. After a long hiatus from writing that life decided I needed, I've decided to get back into it, I'm rusty, so creative criticism or thoughts and reviews are welcome.
Standard disclaimer applies-I don't claim to own Glee or it's characters, no money is made from this fic, and so forth…
This story is based on the scene where they were in the auditorium discussing the attempted suicide of Dave Karofsky, so what if Kurt had spoke up about his experience and thoughts? I kept the scene canon, merely added to it, but it also draws from the season 6 episode '2009' which provides more details/backstory for Kurt.
It Could Have Been Me
The members of the New Directions were seated on the stage in the auditorium of William McKinley High School in a large circle. Most were laughing as Irish exchange student Rory Flanagan enjoyed peanut butter for the first time.
It was Kurt Hummel who spoke up with a clap of his hands to cause quiet solemnity to fall over the group. "Mr. Shuester, wow, that's incredibly moving. Um, it's kind of been an emotional week for some of us." He was, of course, referring to the attempted suicide of former WMHS student David Karofsky.
Finn Hudson was the second to speak up. "Yea, Mr. Shue, what's the point of all this?"
Will Shuester looked around the group and the students he considered his before he answered. "The point is, Rory just had a brand-new experience, something as simple as peanut butter. You guys are young. I want you to promise me that, no matter how depressed you get, no matter how hopeless or alone you feel, you'll try your best to imagine all of the amazing experiences you have ahead of you.
"Mr. Shue," Mercedes Jones looked skeptical "look, I know we're a little dramatic sometimes but I don't think anyone would ever consider taking their own life."
A hush fell over the group before Mr. Shue took a deep breath and says quietly "I did." Wonderment flashes over Kurt's face while surprise clearly shows on Finn and Rachel's faces. "Junior year. That was a tough year" he chuckles. "I, uh, I cheated on my math midterm. Peeked at the answers of the guy next to me and the teacher saw me do it."
Puck interrupts "Just cause you got caught cheating?" He scoffs "I get caught cheating all the time."
Mr. Shue continues. "They called my dad at his office and he was coming to pick me up." He sighs "How was I supposed to look him in the eye? I just kept picturing my dad so disappointed in me. So…I walked up to the roof. I went right to the edge. One step and all the pain and humiliation would be over."
"Is that true?" Kurt's eyes were wide and his voice was eerily quiet.
Mr. Shue nodded and waved his hand. "That day, I promise you, it felt like it was the end of the world. But, you know what? It wasn't. You know, for some of you, getting caught cheating isn't a big deal. But, there is something…everyone has something that might take them up to that edge. And look at all the things I would've missed out on. I would never have met you guys or Emma. I would have missed out on everything."
On a quiet exhale, as if struggling to get the words out "I thought about it." Kurt opened his eyes to see everyone looking at him. "I mean, really thought about it. I never did anything though." His eyes were downcast, looking almost ashamed as tears pooled in his eyes. "It wasn't just the physical bullying, which was really bad my sophomore year. I was thrown into dumpsters or pushed into lockers and knocked down or slushied every day. After a while of being called names and looked down on, you start to believe it." Tears flowed freely down his face as he paused to catch his breath. "You feel like you aren't worthy enough to live." He felt the strong arms of his boyfriend circle around his waist, offering strength as he sat down behind him and pulled him close.
Kurt leaned back into Blaine's embrace and glanced around the circle of his friends. Most had looks of shock or concern on their faces. Finn honestly looked nearly sick, his eyes wide and mouth hung open. Puck wore a similar look of shame, his eyes closed. Kurt pushed through his discomfort to continue. "The worst thing was, nobody seemed to notice, or care. People, even teachers, sat by and just watched it happen. I felt so alone, not just lonely you know. Like if I died nobody would even care." He took a deep breath and looked up. "Mr. Shue, you were the only person who tried to help make things better."
"What about your dad?" Mercedes asked.
Kurt shook his head. "I never told him, any of it. About how I was bullied or how I was feeling. Mrs. Pillsbury noticed I was looking at a pamphlet about it and called my dad in and warned him. He told me I had to join a team at school to make friends or he would take away my sewing machine." He chuckled but continued "that led to me signing up for the glee club and making real friends who accept me for who I am, and when I left to attend Dalton I got the best thing possible." His hand came up on top of Blaine's and laced their fingers together. "Someone who truly understands me and loves me and that I love dearly too". Kurt felt Blaine tighten his embrace in response. "My dad married Carole and she and Finn joined our family…it's amazing how much things have changed in just a couple of years. Mr. Shue's right, I would have missed it all."
Finn got up from his spot and knelt in front of Kurt, tears in his eyes. "Dude, I am so sorry for what we did to you back then. I don't think I've ever apologized to you for that. It was so wrong, I was just following Karofsky and Azimio but nobody deserves what we did to you."
"Yea, and I'm sorry too." Puck sat next to Finn in front of Kurt. "It wasn't cool what we did to you."
"It's okay, we've moved past it." Kurt said simply, wiping his eyes. Sincerity shone in his blue eyes, everything the glee club had been through had brought the students together in a unique way. Even Finn and Puck had their fair share of slushies to the face since joining the club.
Finn pulled Kurt into a hug "thanks man" he whispered. Puck smiled and wrapped his arm around Finn and Kurt.
Mr. Shue took control of the group as the boys returned to their places in the circle. "So, right now, I want you all to think of something that you're looking forward to. Big things.
Sam spoke up first. "Someday, I want to earn enough money to buy my folks a new place, so they don't ever have to go through losing their home again.
Mercedes looked thoughtful. "You know, I'm most looking forward to meeting Rachel Berry's children. Finn smirked and Rachel nodded, her hands on her chest quietly mouthing thank you and smiling as the group shared laughs.
"I want to be there to see my kid's first steps" Artie added.
Sugar smiled "I want to be there to see Sex and the City Part III."
"Wow" Mr. Shue shook his head with the chuckles around the circle.
"I'm sort of embarrassed to admit it" Puck sat with his knees pulled in, arms on top of them "but I really do want to graduate high school." Most of the members knew that Puck was struggling in his geography class.
Finn nodded "I'm gonna petition the Army to change my dad's dishonorable discharge status to an honorable one."
"I'm looking forward to graduating from Yale at the top of my class" Quinn smiled.
Santana looked sad "I'm looking forward to the day when my grandmother loves me again." Everyone knew that Santana's parents were supportive of her when she came out and officially started dating Brittany but her grandmother disowned her, cutting off all contact.
"I want Lord Tubbington to kick his ecstasy addiction." Brittany was always convinced her cat, Lord Tubbington was into some sort of trouble.
Blaine simply said "I'm looking forward to marriage equality in all 50 states."
"I'm looking forward to the first time I dance at Carnegie Hall" Mike Chang looked thoughtful.
"I just want a song." Everyone, including Mr. Shue laughed at Tina's wish. It was nothing new for her.
Kurt contributed "I'm looking forward to watching my dad make a difference in Congress" with a small smile.
Rachel looked around the circle. "I'm looking forward to being friends with all of you for the rest of my life."
"I know this sounds silly, and the peanut butter really is amazing, Mr. Shue," he said around another mouthful "but do you know what I'm looking forward to? Winning at regionals." Cheers and claps erupted around the circle as the bell rang signaling the end of the class.
Thoughts/reviews and constructive criticism welcome.
I originally planned this as a one shot, but a second part with Blaine's thoughts and private reaction (if this wasn't something Kurt had shared with him before). I don't think he would have wanted to have that conversation in front of the the entire club.