Title: Make It To The Dawn
Author: eyrianone
Rating: T
Disclaimer: (Props to ViaLethe) 'Words are mine. World ain't.
Spoilers: Post 'The Limey' this ignores all promos for 'Headhunters'.
Summary: It's always the darkest right before dawn. A limey post ep.
Shadows fill an empty heart
As love is fading,
From all the things that we are
But are not saying.
Can we see beyond the stars
And make it to the dawn?
Change the colors of the sky.
And open up to
The ways you made me feel alive,
The ways I loved you.
For all the things that never died,
To make it through the night,
Love will find you.
Lyrics by 'Daughtry'.
Jacinda – it turns out is somewhat deeper than he'd supposed. She sure is fun and she sure is pretty, and she's even proved to be an adequate temporary distraction against his heartbreak – but the moment she kisses him for the first time the allusion is shattered.
She's warm and enthusiastic in his arms and the taste of betrayal in his mouth is so bitter – is so immediately violent as his heart rebels, that Castle pulls back from her almost roughly. The 'uncomplicated' blonde flight attendant narrows her blue eyes instantly, and then bewilders him as she smiles a commiserating smile at him – a wealth of knowledge suddenly visible in her previously somewhat vapid gaze.
It changes her appearance considerably; she goes from vacuous fun-loving bimbo to worldly woman. He thinks she looks the better for it – and the writer in him instantly knows there's a story there, but one he just doesn't have the stamina for. Sheepishly he stares at her, wonders what exactly she can see written on his face.
"I would ask you what's the matter but it's her, isn't it? You Mr. Castle are in love with your muse." She tells him matter-of-factly.
She's correct of course – but he isn't about to admit to it right now, or ever again – he can't, he just . . . so he feigns ignorance and hopes eventually that this lie if repeated has a prayer of becoming the truth.
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
Jacinda steps back and smiles as him again, and then she takes a seat on his living room couch and pats the spot next to her.
"You know Rick – that flight from Las Vegas – it isn't actually the first time that we've met."
Huh? What now?
"It's not?" He asks dumbly. He has absolutely no recollection of ever meeting her in the past.
The pretty blonde shakes her head. "Nope."
Puzzled the author runs a hand through his hair, and then shrugging he sits next to Jacinda on the couch and waits for her to go on.
"I work a whole bunch of different routes you know. But all of them are short-haul and domestic, and the first time we met – actually I shouldn't say we 'met' per se more like you were on a flight I was working – heading back to New York from Los Angeles – and your lady Detective - she was with you at the time."
Oh.
Oh yeah. L.A.
Castle's stomach clenches painfully – things were so very different back then.
Back when hope was a brightly bubbly thing constantly gurgling in his chest. Back when he hung on every word that came of Kate Beckett's mouth – when he just knew that one day they would be the ones he was waiting for.
It's excruciating now – the recall.
He can't think of anything to say, but apparently Jacinda doesn't really expect him too, because she carries on.
"You give yourself away you know - it's in the way you look at her – the way you watch."
Right now Castle finds himself watching the floor. And it's not like he hasn't heard this before.
"That was a long time ago." He says quietly. "It was a different life – and things have changed - my relationship with Detective Beckett amongst them."
Jacinda pats his knee. "That's what I'd assumed when you asked me out – except that it hasn't - not really – time hasn't changed the way you obviously feel. Because when I kissed you Rick you reacted like a man who suddenly realized that what he was doing was really – really wrong."
Castle sighs.
"And that's okay. I've had a blast with you – you're a funny guy. I've been spoiled rotten and driven a Ferrari and hung out with my favorite best-selling author – I've got no complaints you know. Sure I'd like it to continue – what woman doesn't want a handsome, intelligent and completely charming man in their life. I'm even up for just fun – if that's what both people want. But you're hurting – I can see that now . . . and while I hope I helped distract you, I don't want to be used." She says softly, squeezing his hand before she gets to her feet.
Ouch. But then he deserved that.
"I'm so sorry." He says.
The flight attendant dons her coat and grins at him. "There is nothing to be sorry for – you haven't done anything really wrong you know. And you're a good actor Rick – I honestly had you pegged as 'fancy-free' again until that kiss."
Well that's something he thinks – that the switch-flipping act is convincing – the memo didn't reach his heart yet, but he's working on it – truly he is.
Jacinda reaches the loft's door when she pauses.
"It's none of my business . . . "She says. "But my advice Rick – is to fight for the relationship you're involved in – the one your heart is invested in. Maybe things haven't changed as much as you think."
She turns to leave.
"They have you know – they've changed forever."
The blonde turns back. "You could be right – but I can tell you this, when you were sleeping on that plane – she was watching you the way you'd watched her. It was cute - you matched. Really all I'm saying is this- you're an author Rick, you should know you have to be careful about endings. Look it's your life, it's your story if you will – so be sure - unless you want to regret her for the rest of your life."
Castle stares at the door of his loft for a long time after it shuts behind her.
Beckett sits at the bar in some dive near JFK with Detective Inspector – 'call me Colin' Hunt and tries really valiantly to keep her mind in the here and now.
She's aware that on every level possible she's failing dismally.
Colin is regaling her with stories of Naomi in her younger days. Hardheaded, vibrant and determined, she was complex – according to Hunt. Someone Kate would have enjoyed meeting he thinks – someone who didn't deserve the tragic ending she got.
And Kate can't help but see herself a little in this complicated woman the handsome Brit describes. She understands too well why Naomi couldn't let the death of the man she loved go. How it drove her – blindly into thinking she could handle things that were way beyond her. How it blinded her to the danger.
Kate is like this too. And it's just so ironic she thinks that here she is trying to forget all about Castle right now and Colin's chosen topic of conversation just keeps bringing it all back.
He's here with her in this bar – right now, because his departing words tonight just will not go away.
"She's fun and uncomplicated. I think that's what my life needs right now."
For such a seemingly banal statement, it sure hurts like a son of a bitch. It sure feels like a slap – a hard one in her face.
Her partner's supposed to need her – Goddammit, and he did, he has, hasn't he? And for so long, just like she needs him; needs him every bit as much as she wants him.
As she's always wanted him – because she has, she has even when she'd rather have died than admit to it.
It seems stupid now – all that wasted time just holding back.
And Kate just can't figure out what the hell has suddenly gone wrong – when for long months it seemed like everything was finally going right. Sure glaciers might move faster, but after the bombing she'd just known that finally they were so close, her and Castle - she could feel it. So close to dropping the pretenses, and demolishing the walls and just going for it. Just taking that blind leap of faith in each other and risking it all – Joe and Vera-style she thinks - for love.
She'd known they would make it too.
Or at least – she'd thought she knew.
Now it's like nothing is making any sense. Like the world has turned right side over and on the flip side all that was certain is suddenly smoke in the air.
She's aware of someone clearing their throat and she forces her meandering thoughts to corral themselves, focusing back on her companion instead of staring off into space.
"You do have it bad." Detective Inspector Hunt says with a smirk followed by a swig of his beer.
"I'm sorry – what?" The words are automatic as they fall from her lips, but inside Kate finds she can't pretend she doesn't know what he's getting at.
He cuts right to it too.
"You turn me down for a drink after a long longing look at that author of yours – nice excuse by the way 'paperwork' – and then not five minutes later you're on the phone. I figured you needed a distraction so I agreed, but Kate – you're miles away and I'm guessing it's because your writer partner is out with that blonde bit he had lunch with."
Yeah, so he nailed that. Figures, she thinks – not like he's not a detective too.
"You got me." She says quietly.
"You want to talk about it? I mean I can keep talking about Naomi all night if you like – it helps to remember her alive, but you actually are among the living Kate – and a more beautiful woman I've rarely seen – so spill – why is Castle out with the blonde when he could clearly have you?" Colin asks.
"It's complicated." She replies.
The blonde Brit laughs. "And that's bull. But I have time."
Beckett sighs heavily.
"The truth is – I don't know. We've been partners for four years – he's . . . my best friend. And we've been through a lot together during that time including relationships with other people and too many near-death experiences to count. Honestly up until a week ago I thought he loved me . . . that he was waiting for me . . . but now – maybe he's just not."
Kate takes a swig of beer to cover the sting of tears she can feel burning behind her eyes.
"Waiting for you? What does that mean exactly?" Colin asks.
Kate frowns. Oh right . . . context.
"It's a long story, but the cliff-notes version is that I was shot in the chest – eleven months ago now, and as I'm lying there dying Castle confesses that he loves me. So of course I do what I always do when I can't deal with something and I push him away. I literally don't speak to him for three months while I stubbornly piece myself back together all alone and to avoid dealing with what he told me, I lie to him about what I can remember. However when I asked him to come back to the precinct and resume being my partner - I honestly thought we'd come to an understanding, that eventually we'd have the relationship that we both want, even though he still believes that I don't remember anything at all after the shot."
Kate risks a sideways glance at her companion. This is the stuff she hasn't even shared with Lanie – only Dr. Burke has heard this bedtime story before. It really shouldn't be easier to tell this to a stranger than the people that it matters to the most – it shouldn't be – but it is.
"Wow."
Kate almost snorts her beer as she laughs.
"I'm pathetic." She says sadly.
"I've heard worse." Hunt replies. "But I'm curious - if up until a week ago it seemed like he was waiting – what happened?"
And that's the question isn't it. The question a detective should be asking?
"He got tired. He wants 'fun and uncomplicated'." She answers, because this is all she's got.
The Brit shakes his head. "I'm a guy and I don't buy that. It's much too thin." He tells her.
Yeah well it's still all she's got. Well that – and then of course there's this . . .
"Maybe the truth is like you said." Her voice hardens, grows bitter. "Guys like him don't change. And Castle used to be just like this – women on either arm and in his bed. Never taking anything seriously – if he was all about 'fun and uncomplicated' then why not now?" She asks.
Hunt shakes his head.
"Guys who are really like that don't change – but it sounds to me more like it was an act – a persona – because guys like that don't fall for women like you. They want to sleep with you – but they don't fall in love. And they certainly don't stick around for four years risking physical harm on a daily basis when there's no sex involved. I mean Kate – by your own admission you even blew him off for three months and he still came back. Detective if something has very suddenly changed in his behavior you should be looking for a clue."
Sounds simple when he puts it like that. Simple and more to the point it gives her hope that all the despair currently circling her heart might be for naught.
"So what do you think I should do?" She says.
Hunt lifts an eyebrow.
"Let me see - have you tried 'asking' him?"
Beckett narrows her eyes. "He says there's nothing wrong. That he's never better."
"And that's clearly a lie." Hunt shoots back.
"You think?" Kate retorts.
"So what do we do when we know a suspect is lying to us Detective Beckett?"
Suddenly Kate smiles.
"We push harder." She replies. "And we ask them again."
Hunt nods. "Call him on all of it for as long as it takes you to get to the truth Kate – because after four years the least he owes you is the truth before you let him break your heart."