Thanks again, Nic, for beta-ing this for me. And for being generally wonderful :)

You're the Only Light I Ever Saw

She drops her keys onto the table by the en-suite, their clang cutting through the heavy silence within the loft. She cringes instinctively at the noise. It reminds her too much that she is to blame for this silence. The cause of this absence of warmth, usually ever present here.

Suddenly she wonders if she shouldn't have come back after all. Maybe he didn't want to see her now. Too many angry words, both spoken and unspoken, left hanging between them. His face as she turned and walked away, eyes dark and full of unshed tears, silently pleading with her not to go. But she had left, willing her own tears not to fall until the door softly clicked shut behind her.

He'd looked so much older these past few weeks. Exhausted. Because of her. Because she was too stubborn to acknowledge that she was tearing him…tearing them apart. She didn't know how to stop it now. She'd unintentionally lit a match, setting fire to everything they knew and now she felt paralyzed by the flames as they burned it all to ashes.

She worries her bottom lip and stays rooted to her spot in the entryway. It's too quiet, too much like her own apartment and nothing like his. She's lived what feels like a lifetime of silence and stubborn independence before him. And now…now the thought of returning to her personal brand of loneliness is agonizing.

He doesn't deserve this though. It was selfish of her to come. To show up here expecting anything from him, much less forgiveness. This silence isn't calming; it's an all too real indication of the storm that lies ahead. It churns inside her and she feels the beginnings of tears threatening again. She was so sure it wasn't even possible for her to cry anymore. But being here makes it real. And it hurts more than she can bear.

So she reaches for her keys again. All she has done is caused him pain. She won't stay here and hurt him anymore tonight.

She's already got her hand on the doorknob when he speaks quietly, one word, "Stay."

Her entire body tenses, hand tightening against the cool metal. She hadn't even heard him walk into the living room. She squeezes her eyes shut, trying her hardest to wipe away the evidence of her breakdown. But the second she turns to face him any illusion she may have been under about disguising her emotion vanishes.

Maybe that's been the problem all along. Hiding behind the anger is so much easier. Words that she doesn't mean but do such damage. Volatile distractions from the reality of feeling inside her. But she can't do it anymore. Not when he's looking at her like that. She's defenseless in this moment locked in his gaze. His eyes reading hers like an open book, easily undoing all she's hid behind. And for the first time in weeks she lets him.

She leans back against the doorway and closes her eyes, suddenly so tired. Tired of fighting, tired of running, tired of her unrelenting need to be strong all the time.

She doesn't see, but senses him coming closer, the warmth of his body radiating towards her. Oh, how she's missed it, craves it like nothing else. Longs to be wrapped up in him. To find solace in his arms. How has she done this to them? How could she risk losing all she's ever dreamed of? How could she ever walk away from this man she loves so very much?

He reaches out and she feels the slide of his fingertips across the line of her jaw and then up and along her cheek as he brushes her hair gently behind her ear. It's a slow and tentative gesture, as if he's afraid. And why wouldn't he be? She's been so cold. It aches inside her what she's done.

She unconsciously leans into the touch, needing the connection more than anything. It starts a wave of want inside her but she doesn't move - can't move. She doesn't get to make this choice. She owes him this decision. So she waits, silently praying that this isn't just the dying breath of all that they are.

When she looks up at him, it's almost too much. Everything is reflected in the dark blue depths of his eyes. The pain, the hurt she's caused, it's all there on display. The same weariness she's seen for weeks is present too but there's also something else. She doesn't know quite what. Determination maybe. She can't stop the tear that slips down her cheek. She reaches to swipe at it quickly but he catches her hand along the way, halting her movement. He uses his thumb to tenderly wipe it away.

"Don't cry, Kate, please," he says softly, on a sigh.

She nods, biting her lip, struggling to control her emotions. She notices that he's not yet let go of her hand. She wants to speak but finds that she has no idea what to say. Somehow sorry doesn't seem enough. Shouldn't she be able to figure it out by now? She should know what he needs. But everything is so muddled. Her head is swimming with the enormity of this mess between them. Maybe she has to try anyway. She opens her mouth to say something…anything but he silences her with a finger to her lips and shakes his head.

"No apologies, not tonight."

He tugs on their still connected hands and leads her into the living room. When he stops by the stereo system she looks at him, confused. He breaks their connection to fiddle with the controls for a moment before she hears the first few notes of the song begin to play. A low and haunting melody that fills the room. She thinks she's never heard anything that fits this moment more.

He reclaims her hand and pulls her closer, resting his other hand along the curve of her waist. She's suddenly overcome with the feel of his body resting against hers. It's warm and inviting, like coming home. She can't help but lean ever closer, resting her cheek against the crook of his neck as they gently sway to the song. His scent envelops her senses and she wraps her arms around his neck, folding into his embrace. And even though they're battle scarred and beaten down, they still fit together like this. This is the only thing she knows that is right.

The rise and fall of the chords surrounds them. There's a certain melancholy to the words as they float through the room. But there's also hope beneath them. She can feel his heartbeat against her chest, steady and soothing. Silently repairing the chasm of space that has cracked open.

All at once she knows. She knows that even as bad as it has been, she will spend a lifetime working to fix it, fighting for him, for them. She may leave but she'll always come back because this means too much. Means so much more than any angry words, more than any stupid defense she's built up. She can only hope that he'll forgive her for this agony she has put them through. "I love you," she breathes against his ear, suddenly needing to tell him.

He tightens his embrace and softly kisses the top of her head. "I love you too, Kate. Always."

She believes him. And maybe it won't be easy because it's never been easy for them. But all the fights and all the pain will be worth it as long as she gets forever with him.

Thoughts?