His Housecarl

I know that I shouldn't love him. He is the Dragonborn and my Thane. Most likely, I will spend the rest of my days loving a man who is far too good for me.

Lately he has been leavng me at Breezehome. His new companion is a beautiful "warrior-princess" from Riften. Her name is just as beautiful as her, and it compliments her "warrior-princess" persona perfectly. Mjoll the Lioness.

It hurts to see them together. They get along so well, sharing a love of justice. The way they speak to each other makes it seem like they have been friends forever. I know I shouldn't be, but I am so jealous of Mjoll.

I am sitting here in my bedroom, wondering when my Thane will return home. Out of no where, I hear the heavy wooden door to our home open and close. My heart speeds up. He is home.

Not wanting to seem needy, I restrain myself from charging down the stairs to speak to him. He will come see me when he wants to, I tell myself as I silently wait for him.

I hear the clang of his armor as he walks up the stairs. My heart is racing now. Will he come and say hello to me? Will he perhaps propose to me?

I am so caught up in my fantasy of his proposal that I fail to notice the second set of foot-steps, also in heavy armor. It is not until I hear her voice that I realize who is with him.

"I am so tired," She says, her exotic accent causing my blood to boil. Mjoll.

"You'll be fine," My Thane laughs. Even though I cannot see them, I just know that he is putting his arm around her. "Now, I wonder where my beloved Housecarl is."

Not wanting him to see me sitting here and daydreaming, I pick up the nearest book I can find, not bothering to read the cover. As I pretend to read the book, I am extremely aware of his presence.

"Is that..." He is laughing. Why is he laughing?! "Is that the...Lusty Argonian Maid?" He chokes out.

I glance down at the paper and I can feel my cheeks turning bright red as I read the smut.

"I...I didn't know," I stammer, quickly closing the offending book and looking away to conceal my still flushed cheeks.

He laughs. "It's okay, Lyd. I'm sure you didn't really want to read smut." If I weren't in love with him, his smirk would be rather annoying.

I smile at him and am about to tell him something, when Mjoll enters the room.

"Hello, Lydia! I haven't seen you in such a long time! You always seem to be hiding from me when I visit." She is so nice it makes my stomach churn.

"I just prefer to stay up here in my room," I say to Mjoll, hoping that she cannot hear the angry quiver in my voice.

She simply smiles at me, the face-paint on her face crinkling just a bit. Inwardly, I am grateful that she cannot tell how much I despise her. Mjoll did not earn her title as "The Lioness" for just being pretty. She is a fierce fighter and will not hesitate to draw her blade.

"I think I should get back to the Bannered Mare," Mjoll exclaims. "I must visit my old friend Hulda!"

With that said, she leaves the room. I sigh to myself and return to my seat, where I pull out a book - not smut this time - and begin to read it. I am well aware of my Thane watching me.

"What was that about?" He asks me, his voice uncharacteristically stern.

"I don't know what you are talking about," I mutter, hoping that he will go away and forget about it.

"Lydia, I have never seen you be so rude to Mjoll before. Why was that?" He sounds almost..sad. Have I disappointed him?

I sigh. "It's just that you always take her with you. I just stay at home and take care of the house. I miss going on adventures with you. I miss you." I blush as I say the last line.

He smiles at me. "I miss you, too, Lydia. It's just that I..." He pauses and sighs. "I love Mjoll."

That single sentence causes my heart to shatter into a million pieces. I stare at the doorway behind him and stay silent.

"I'm sorry if that came as a shock to you. I just...I love adventurning with her. She is so much fun and such a fierce warrior." As he talks about her, his feelings are obvious. His eyes soften and a subtle smile plays across his lips as he speaks of her.

In an instant, his soft tone becomes harsher. "Lydia, if she lives here after we are married, I want you to be nicer. Do you understand me?" I have never heard him speak so coldly towards me, before. It shatters what is left of my already broken heart.

I nod my head in submission. What can I do? He loves this girl and compared to her, I am nothing to him.

As he exits the room, I realize something.

To him, I will never be more than his Housecarl.