A/N: Another post-Doomsday fic, with a slight twist. I will get round to writing those longer stories someday, I'm sure! Few disclaimers: I obviously don't own Doctor Who, but I have to admit that the idea for one part of this story comes partly from the film "What a girl wants", and the last lines come from the film "Love Actually". The lyrics come from "I hope you dance" by Ronan Keating. I apologise for the bitty-ness of the story but it's how it came out.
The TARDIS is unique, the last one of her kind. Even the Doctor doesn't know exactly what lies in her furthest reaches. An old Time Lord legend goes that one can never know every inch of a TARDIS, and he would agree with it. Even after all this time, he still stumbles across new things on board, things he would never have dreamed possible.
He found the window quite by chance one day, whilst pottering around, lost in his thoughts. You always find things when you're not looking for them, and so it was with this. One not so very special day, the last Time Lord found a window in his ship.
And he saw her again.
He'd suspected it was possible. He hadn't even denied the chance when she'd asked.
"Am I ever gonna see you again?"
"You can't." But he had always suspected that someday, somehow, he might be able to watch her. There were a million chinks in the universes; just because he'd closed a few of them, it didn't mean they mightn't split open again. His sewing wasn't that great.
And so there she is, just waiting for him to watch her. The adventure he can't take part in, but at least he can oversee it.
"I hope you never lose your sense of wonder. Get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger."
He sees her when she meets her baby brother for the first time. Speechless, she gazes down at him, her long blonde hair falling in a curtain around him. He sees her as she looks up at her mum and finally finds some words to say.
"He's beautiful, Mum. He's…" She blinks away tears. "Just beautiful."
It's the first happy thing to happen to her since she came here. One perfect moment in all those months. And yet she still feels like crying. He watches as tears roll silently down her cheeks. He's watched her frequently, and noticed that she's perfected the silent sobbing. She can sit in a dark corner and cry her heart out without anyone even noticing. No sobs, no wails, no chokes. Just pure misery pouring from her eyes.
He sees her at work at her new job. A job that interests her this time, doing what she loves. Working alongside Mickey and her dad, they investigate strange happenings in this new world. He's pleased to see that she still wants to learn more; at least her curiosity didn't died that day, even if other parts of her did. She's earning a good wage, she could buy herself her own house, her own car. But she doesn't. She's saving it. He doesn't know why. Maybe she thinks she can use it some day to get back to him. He wishes he could tell her that that isn't going to happen.
Maybe the money doesn't interest her. That had certainly been true of her when she'd been with him. She would never have been rich, she'd never have all the clothes she wanted or a big house, but that hadn't seem to worry her. She was like him, always wanting to move on, go somewhere else. She didn't want this terrestrial based life where all that mattered was earning a wage in order for half to be taken away and the other half invested in property that kept you where you were, trapped. She wanted discovery and adventure. She still does.
Only he can't give it to her anymore.
"May you never take one single breath for granted. God forbid love ever leave you empty handed."
He sees her watching her parents fuss over Baby Adam. He can't help pulling a face at that name. You should watch that one, he thinks.
He sees her throwing herself headlong into her job and life, helping her mum where she can and keeping herself busy. Filling her life with so much stuff that she doesn't have time to dwell on the past anymore. He knows she's hurting, he can see it written all over her face. She wears twice as much make-up, smiles twice as hard, as though she can make up for the half-person she's become. But he knows.
He sees her lying in her bed alone at night, staring at the photos on her bedside table. None of him. His absence is noticeable. He feels her pain as the tears course down her face, even in the warm friendly atmosphere of Pete's house. All that love, surrounding her, and she's still empty, still not his Rose. He knows she means it when she says she loves her parents, that she loves Mickey, that she loves Adam… but he sees her gazing out the window during meals and a far away look comes over her face.
"I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean."
He sees her a year to the day since he left her, standing in the same place, her longer hair being lifted by the wind coming off the sea, and her slighter frame being knocked sideways. A year later on Darlig Ulv Stranden and nothing seems to have changed except her. He sees her looking at the spot she last saw him, as if it's ingrained upon her memory the exact co-ordinates he stood upon. And she waits. Five and a half hours, without saying a word.
He sees Mickey, leaning against Pete's truck, his hands thrust inside his pockets. He's freezing, but he's waiting for her. Sent in Pete's place to look after her, he intends to do just that. He'll wait as long as she needs.
Finally she wipes a few tears off her face and shakes her legs awake. Then she makes her way back to Mickey. Without even a word they get back into the truck and drive away. She stares out the window like nothing is wrong, like her heart isn't breaking all over again.
"Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens."
He sees her when she meets him again. The two lost sheep he'd left behind, the two he should never have let out of his sight. The expressions on their faces when they see each other is something he will carry in his memory forever.
After the initial moment of shock come the first words.
"Hey doll. I said I'd see you in hell."
And then Jack and Rose fall into each others arms, like they've never been apart. It takes some time to explain things. How Rose let go of a lever and ended up here. How Jack pulled another con and was banished here. Explaining to Rose that the door he'd come through had well and truly shut: "Exit only". No way back through it. For either of them.
"Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance."
He's seen the look of doubt in her eyes from time to time as she listens to what Jack is saying. She's had her heart bruised once before by a time traveller who let her down. Maybe her faith's gone altogether. He hopes not. Jack was a fraud in the past, maybe he still is… but he at least deserves a chance. She hadn't brought him back to life so he could be rejected again.
He doesn't know whether he wants this scene to play out for him or for them. If he could see the two of them happy together then it might make up for all the heartache he's put them and himself through. It's selfish, but true; he needs Rose and Jack to be happy.
"And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance."
He sees her at a family friend's wedding, sitting to the side in a pretty new dress, her hair loose but teased back at the sides. She chews on a painted fingernail anxiously as the DJ announces the father-daughter dance. She watches as the bride happily dances with her own father, and as little girls ride on their daddies shoes.
He sees Pete take her hand and pull her to her feet. And the anxiety lifts off of her face as she feels wanted and she gets what she's always wanted to do: dance with her father. He feels a surge of pride and happiness; he didn't get everything right, he caused her so many tears… but at least he's given her a father-daughter dance.
"I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance, never settle for the path of least resistance."
He sees her packing up her things and loading them into Jack's van. Even now he's grounded, that space cowboy has to have the most hi-tech vehicle going. She turns and speaks to her mum, who looks far from happy at her daughter leaving home.
"Mum, I need to do this," she says.
"I know." Jackie nods, but she clearly doesn't agree.
"I'll take good care of her, Mrs. Tyler." Ever the charmer, Jack gives her a wide smile.
Jackie smiles back weakly and nods. "I know."
He sees her moving into the new flat she's to share with Jack. Striking out on her own, almost. It's a big day, moving out of home permanently. Even if she never counted that house as home.
He sees her try for promotion again and again. She applies for a job to go into space, even though she has no proven skills in that field. She gets rejected without an interview every time, but she still tries again. Because he can see she wants that chance, to see what there really is out there. If there could be any more small gaps she could slip back through. She deserves to get the job, she tries so hard and wants it so badly, but he knows she won't ever get it. She's a threat to the people there really; she knows too much, much more than she ever lets on. They don't want unpredictable, exciting, living, breathing human beings like her. She's too good for them.
But that won't stop her trying.
"Living might mean taking chances, but they're worth taking. Loving might be a mistake, but it's worth making."
He sees her shyly listening to what Jack's saying, fear and longing all over her face. He wishes he could force the two of them together more firmly, but he's just an observer in this world.
She can't say it's totally unexpected, but it still comes as a shock to her. She wasn't expecting feelings like this to develop out of those nights she's gone into his room, just wanting to feel some human contact again, to feel something apart from her own pain, to escape from all this if only for a while.
She lists all the reasons it's a bad idea, and Jack cancels them out one by one. So what if this all a mistake? Life's too short. He sees her overcome her fears and place her hand in Jack's, trembling slightly lest she should ruin something this way. But he's sure she won't. They deserve better.
"Don't let some hell-bent heart leave you bitter."
He sees her paranoia raise its ugly head as Jack comes home late from work again. He tries to be patient with her; the Doctor is sure he really loves her. But Rose won't listen. She's been hurt too many times before. She doesn't seem able to comprehend that things can work out this time. It's about time they did.
And so she runs the risk of losing the one thing she's most scared about losing: the man she loves. Again.
"When you come close to selling out, reconsider."
He sees her in the bathroom, looking at the pills lined up in front of her. Her hands shake as she picks the first one up. He wants to stop her, but he's powerless as she lifts the glass to her mouth.
It smashes on the ground as she's startled by the door being pushed open. Then she crumbles to the ground, noisy sobs finally breaking through the mask she's formed over the years. And Jack falls with her, gathering her up in his arms and holding her close, breathing comforting words into her hair and crying a few tears of his own. Because they both miss him.
"Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance."
He sees her standing at the window at night, the moon beaming down on her in an old shirt of Jack's. She scans the sky, as though she's looking for something. He thinks he knows what it is.
"Rose, come to bed." Jack says, from where he already is, growing a little impatient. The Doctor feels a stab of jealousy momentarily, but then it passes. It was supposed to be this way.
"Do you think he's out there?" She doesn't turn around from the window, and her voice is distant and far away.
Jack's countenance softens. "I don't know, honey, I really don't. But I'm sure if he was he'd have found you by now. He'd have been looking hard enough."
She turns from the window, tears filling her eyes. "You think so?"
He smiles. "I know so."
She smiles back and draws the curtains, before falling asleep in his arms.
"And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance."
He sees her, glowing in a white dress, her smile reaching her eyes for once, as she's led onto the dance floor by her husband. He's glad she's there, even if it's Jack who gets the bridal waltz and not him. He imagines being there, being the one holding her, and can't, because it wasn't supposed to be. He wouldn't have married her. That was too domestic. She knew that.
But she hasn't stopped waiting.
"I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean. Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens. Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance. And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance… I hope you dance."
He sees her one last time when she stands on the beach again, the same wind bringing a rich red colour to her cheeks. But she's not alone anymore. She brings the two little girls by the hand to the edge of the sea and gazes out across the ocean.
"Daddy?" the elder of the two girls tugs on Jack's sleeve. "Why's Mummy sad?"
Jack looks across at his wife and sees the last traces of sadness on her face leaving, taking her mascara with it. He crouches down to his daughter's level.
"She's not sad really, Nancy," he says softly. "Mummy's just thinking about something. Why don't you and Sarah go and see what your Uncle Adam's doing?" He points to where his brother in-law is skipping stones across the rough surface of the sea.
The two girls run over to their favourite uncle, their blonde bunches swinging in the wind as their hats blow off. Jack picks them both up and hands one to Rose.
"Okay?" he asks gently.
She hesitates before answering. Then she smiles slowly and brushes the last tears away. She nods. "Yes. Okay."
"Good." Jack smiles back and sets off across the beach to join his daughters.
Rose hesitates one more second, and looks across the sea again. "Goodbye, Doctor," she says so quietly that no one on that beach can hear it as it gets whipped away on the breeze. But he hears it, in his warm spaceship, all that way away.
"Goodbye, Rose," he says back. Then he closes the shutters on the window and steps back. He nods to himself, and walks away.
Enough. Enough now.